day 12 of NC & feeling myself moving on... will it last?

[lady_a]

So, last week, my fiance of one month ended our relationship, saying that he realized we are not compatible, that I do not understand him well enough, and that he cannot marry who I "actually" am as a person. We dated for 8 months, and I was always convinced that he was wholeheartedly in love with me. His actions showed it every day, and he would even tell me things such as (direct quote), "I give you my sincere promise before God that I will never leave you."

 

We are both in our mid-20s and we were good friends for several years before we began dating. The timing of everything seemed so natural and the relationship was just perfect the entire time we dated. He treated me like a queen, our families loved each other, we had many mutual friends, and we both loved each other so much. We shared SO many common interests, the same life goals and values, and there was never any doubt in either of our minds the entire time we dated.

 

We got engaged in early March and he couldn't wait to get married as soon as possible! We set a date for August and started planning. One week after we got engaged, we had a few minor disagreements about wedding plans, and it seemed that we had worked them out. The next weekend, everything seemed great, but one day as soon as I saw him he began getting very emotional and stressed and asked if we could please delay our wedding date. At first I thought he was just stressed about how soon it was, plus the fact that he had to go out of the country for his job for 2 months during the summer, and at first it seemed I was able to calm his fears and assure him that it would all work out. He expressed concern that we had been disagreeing, and insisted again that we change the date. I admit I freaked out a bit, because we had already booked venues and let a lot of people know! I said some rude things to him that were probably hurtful and he tried to explain that he needed to do this out of love for me, to make sure we got started in our marriage on the best foot. But by the next morning, I had come around and agreed that we could move everything to November!

 

He began acting strangely in the days that followed, and he was away at school that week so most of this happened via texting, but I expressed some fears of mine that I felt like he didn't actually want to marry me. He told me that he didn't know where we stood, and then refused to talk to me about it for the entire rest of the week until he got back in town! When I saw him, he actually tried to break up with me, but I reasoned with him and we came to a mutual agreement that we would just not set a date at all at this point, and we would slow down and take some time to get to know each other better first. We spent that entire weekend together, talking about ways to work through the disagreements we'd had, and he reassured me that he loved me so much and we would give this a chance. I still felt so scared because I was unsure why he continued to doubt things so much!

 

After that weekend he went back to school and we had some great conversations via text for the next several days. He invited me to go to a banquet with him the following week and we made plans. Then, abruptly on Wednesday, he began acting very odd again and told me he actually didn't want to go to the banquet, but we could just hang out and do something else instead. Thursday night, he told me he loved me and that he was excited to see me on Friday. Friday, we met up, and he broke up with me. He stated the same reasons he had brought up the previous week -- that he didn't feel we are compatible, that we wouldn't be "well suited" for each other in marriage, and that he fell in love with an idea of who I was that isn't actually who I am.

 

I was just shocked as to how several minor disagreements could lead to that. I handled the wedding date change badly, but I apologized countless times for stressing him out and not being as supportive as he needed. He was just unwilling to work with me and unwilling to give me another chance. He has also known me for years, so I know that he knows who I really am as a person. He expressed that he felt he had been putting in all the work in our relationship to get to know each other, and that he was exhausted, and he told me he wanted a clean break.

 

Two days later, I sent him a long email detailing all the reasons why I believed he was wrong. That was 3 days ago, and he has not responded. I didn't expect him to. I have no idea why he could give up on me so quickly and for something seemingly so minor. Do you think he is just having a major case of cold feet? It is possible that he was so stressed by school, his job, and other life issues that he just couldn't handle the thought of getting married on top of everything else. The breakup seemed so definitive, but he also changed his mind so many times within the past few weeks that I think he may just be very confused, and that he made an incredibly impulsive decision. Does anyone have any insight or have ever been in a similar situation? Is there any hope that he may regret doing this? I am still in love with him and convinced that all of our problems could easily have been worked out with more time, and with discussions in person instead of over texting while we were in different places. Any advice would be appreciated...

[ZayKayWill]

Kind of a petty reason to break up with you if you ask me, assuming you're telling the whole story of course. Didn't seem like anything crazy or major happened between you guys. I won't lie, though, I do feel you guys are going this a bit fast. You haven't even been together for a year and already you're discussing marriage. What's the rush? Why do you need to get married right now? Why not just enjoy being bf/gf for now and then with time take it to the next level? Yeah it seems like you guys rushed into this a bit too fast. You know him better than I do but I think he'll come back after he calms down a bit.

[lady_a]

Kind of a petty reason to break up with you if you ask me, assuming you're telling the whole story of course. Didn't seem like anything crazy or major happened between you guys. I won't lie, though, I do feel you guys are going this a bit fast. You haven't even been together for a year and already you're discussing marriage. What's the rush? Why do you need to get married right now? Why not just enjoy being bf/gf for now and then with time take it to the next level? Yeah it seems like you guys rushed into this a bit too fast. You know him better than I do but I think he'll come back after he calms down a bit.

 

I literally told the entire story. All I can think of that I possibly did wrong was just maybe saying a few rude and harsh things, and continuing to text him after he told me he couldn't handle it right then. I apologized for that COUNTLESS times and he just couldn't seem to get past it. I know it does seem like a fast relationship, but we have known each other for almost 10 years and we've been pretty good friends for several years, so we felt as if we already knew each other well by the time we started dating. I think in retrospect he definitely rushed to propose, and according to his family, they all tried to convince him to wait until May after he graduated, but he didn't listen. And I wasn't going to say no! We both were super excited to get married too and neither of us wanted a long engagement. Everything he said and did within the past 3 weeks was so out of character for him so I'm hoping it was just a terrible fluke and that he goes back to his normal state of mind after he has some time to be alone, get lonely, and get his thoughts straight. I'm not planning on contacting him. My best friend is actually marrying his brother in September, and we are both in the wedding, so I know I'll have to see him then if not before.

[Maldives]

So, last week, my fiance of one month ended our relationship, saying that he realized we are not compatible, that I do not understand him well enough, and that he cannot marry who I "actually" am as a person. We dated for 8 months, and I was always convinced that he was wholeheartedly in love with me. His actions showed it every day, and he would even tell me things such as (direct quote), "I give you my sincere promise before God that I will never leave you."

 

We are both in our mid-20s and we were good friends for several years before we began dating. The timing of everything seemed so natural and the relationship was just perfect the entire time we dated. He treated me like a queen, our families loved each other, we had many mutual friends, and we both loved each other so much. We shared SO many common interests, the same life goals and values, and there was never any doubt in either of our minds the entire time we dated.

 

We got engaged in early March and he couldn't wait to get married as soon as possible! We set a date for August and started planning. One week after we got engaged, we had a few minor disagreements about wedding plans, and it seemed that we had worked them out. The next weekend, everything seemed great, but one day as soon as I saw him he began getting very emotional and stressed and asked if we could please delay our wedding date. At first I thought he was just stressed about how soon it was, plus the fact that he had to go out of the country for his job for 2 months during the summer, and at first it seemed I was able to calm his fears and assure him that it would all work out. He expressed concern that we had been disagreeing, and insisted again that we change the date. I admit I freaked out a bit, because we had already booked venues and let a lot of people know! I said some rude things to him that were probably hurtful and he tried to explain that he needed to do this out of love for me, to make sure we got started in our marriage on the best foot. But by the next morning, I had come around and agreed that we could move everything to November!

 

He began acting strangely in the days that followed, and he was away at school that week so most of this happened via texting, but I expressed some fears of mine that I felt like he didn't actually want to marry me. He told me that he didn't know where we stood, and then refused to talk to me about it for the entire rest of the week until he got back in town! When I saw him, he actually tried to break up with me, but I reasoned with him and we came to a mutual agreement that we would just not set a date at all at this point, and we would slow down and take some time to get to know each other better first. We spent that entire weekend together, talking about ways to work through the disagreements we'd had, and he reassured me that he loved me so much and we would give this a chance. I still felt so scared because I was unsure why he continued to doubt things so much!

 

After that weekend he went back to school and we had some great conversations via text for the next several days. He invited me to go to a banquet with him the following week and we made plans. Then, abruptly on Wednesday, he began acting very odd again and told me he actually didn't want to go to the banquet, but we could just hang out and do something else instead. Thursday night, he told me he loved me and that he was excited to see me on Friday. Friday, we met up, and he broke up with me. He stated the same reasons he had brought up the previous week -- that he didn't feel we are compatible, that we wouldn't be "well suited" for each other in marriage, and that he fell in love with an idea of who I was that isn't actually who I am.

 

I was just shocked as to how several minor disagreements could lead to that. I handled the wedding date change badly, but I apologized countless times for stressing him out and not being as supportive as he needed. He was just unwilling to work with me and unwilling to give me another chance. He has also known me for years, so I know that he knows who I really am as a person. He expressed that he felt he had been putting in all the work in our relationship to get to know each other, and that he was exhausted, and he told me he wanted a clean break.

 

Two days later, I sent him a long email detailing all the reasons why I believed he was wrong. That was 3 days ago, and he has not responded. I didn't expect him to. I have no idea why he could give up on me so quickly and for something seemingly so minor. Do you think he is just having a major case of cold feet? It is possible that he was so stressed by school, his job, and other life issues that he just couldn't handle the thought of getting married on top of everything else. The breakup seemed so definitive, but he also changed his mind so many times within the past few weeks that I think he may just be very confused, and that he made an incredibly impulsive decision. Does anyone have any insight or have ever been in a similar situation? Is there any hope that he may regret doing this? I am still in love with him and convinced that all of our problems could easily have been worked out with more time, and with discussions in person instead of over texting while we were in different places. Any advice would be appreciated...

 

 

Well I'm a guy and from a guys perspective cold feet. Also another key clue is in wat he said..."he feels he's doing all the work" ok the way I interpret this is that he's not being himself. Wat i mean men and this is hard for us once we have our woman so u kno the initial stage wine n dine we tend to back off pretty quick it's just our make up. It's not a good thing but wat i mean is men get exhausted pretty quickly If they feel pressure to always make there woman happy as in if the woman relies on her bf for happiness rather than internally a lot of woman are guilty of this. Have a real hard think if u hav had that expectation of him maybe not consciously but sub or even unconsciously because I can garauntee u we men pick up on that and then get pretty exhausted because it is very hard and also to keep up wth u kno daily pressures of life like work. I cld be wring but I'm pretty sure that's wat it is from the sounds of it. I think men hv a lot more expectations in a relationship then a woman does. For example I have a mate who's been married for 20 odd yrs after say hanging out wth me and working all day he's wife then expects him to go spend time wth his kid can u see the kind of pressure that puts on a partner? She fails to take into account he's worked all day tired while she's been at home all day wth plenty of time on her hands. I'm just trying to illustrate how ur man is thinking and where this sudden 180 is coming from. If u dig deep enough he will be thinking boy so if I get married I gotta keep up this level of intensity family etc i know it's hard hearing this but I'm being honest.

[Maldives]

I shld clarify it's not like we hang out every day it's maybe once every cpl o weeks and he spends a lot o time wth his family I suspect his wife probably feels a lil jealous his time is spent elsewhere and it's kinda like a punishmental luckily for her he's a good husband and does as she says but lots of men would start to burn out afterms a while.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear this. You must be wondering what on earth happened. It could be whatever you argued about, but I have to say I get the impression his feelings were changing before that point. I would wager he met someone else and found himself interested in her. All of a sudden, he had doubts about marriage.

 

It's awful that this has happened to you. I would not try to get an explanation from him or pursue him in any way. Hard though it is, it will not benefit you to try to get something from a guy who is opting out. I would not give him the benefit of your presence. He has to work for that now.

[lady_a]

Well I'm a guy and from a guys perspective cold feet. Also another key clue is in wat he said..."he feels he's doing all the work" ok the way I interpret this is that he's not being himself. Wat i mean men and this is hard for us once we have our woman so u kno the initial stage wine n dine we tend to back off pretty quick it's just our make up. It's not a good thing but wat i mean is men get exhausted pretty quickly If they feel pressure to always make there woman happy as in if the woman relies on her bf for happiness rather than internally a lot of woman are guilty of this. Have a real hard think if u hav had that expectation of him maybe not consciously but sub or even unconsciously because I can garauntee u we men pick up on that and then get pretty exhausted because it is very hard and also to keep up wth u kno daily pressures of life like work. I cld be wring but I'm pretty sure that's wat it is from the sounds of it. I think men hv a lot more expectations in a relationship then a woman does. For example I have a mate who's been married for 20 odd yrs after say hanging out wth me and working all day he's wife then expects him to go spend time wth his kid can u see the kind of pressure that puts on a partner? She fails to take into account he's worked all day tired while she's been at home all day wth plenty of time on her hands. I'm just trying to illustrate how ur man is thinking and where this sudden 180 is coming from. If u dig deep enough he will be thinking boy so if I get married I gotta keep up this level of intensity family etc i know it's hard hearing this but I'm being honest.

 

Yeah, I'll admit that for a few days 2 weeks ago I kept texting him a bunch of times even after he told me he couldn't handle it right then, but I eventually apologized and let him have space for a few days before we could talk in person. I was freaking out because he had just told me in a text that he "wasn't sure where we stood" and then he refused to answer any of my texts in response. I think I was pretty justified in freaking out just a little. Maybe he just got overloaded with the stress of everything? Throughout our whole relationship I always felt as if I was never too demanding of his time or energy or anything like that. Anything he could possibly be referring to would have happened within the past 3 weeks, and it seems ridiculous that he would throw our whole relationship away just because of a few instances that I apologized to him for countless times.

[preraph]

He's being perfectly honest with you. It sounds like he had you on a pedestal back when you were just friends and is just now seeing you without the rose-colored glasses and realizes you're not that ideal woman he had in his head that he just projected onto you all that time.

 

You guys are still in school, so sounds like you're kind of young to be marrying anyway.

 

Everyone has doubts once the plans are underway, but it's not just cold feet. It's them finally really thinking about "forever" and how daunting that is. The wedding stuff may have brought this to a head. But if so, something else in life would have if that didn't. It may have shown him a side of you he isn't mature enough to deal with. Of course, any man with a brain knows to just get out of the way during the wedding planning and home decor, but....

[lady_a]

He's being perfectly honest with you. It sounds like he had you on a pedestal back when you were just friends and is just now seeing you without the rose-colored glasses and realizes you're not that ideal woman he had in his head that he just projected onto you all that time.

 

He was completely all in and completely head over heels for me a month ago when he proposed. When he talked to my dad, my dad was totally convinced that this guy loved me as much as a person could love anyone. My ex told me right before he proposed that there was nothing I could ever do to keep him from wanting to marry me. He told me a week after getting engaged that when he put the ring on my finger he was signing up for whatever difficulties came along. I just don't know what changed so drastically within the several weeks after that. We had a few disagreements but I thought we worked them out and I thought we were on track to fix any future ones in a better way. He expressed once that he was putting a lot of pressure on himself to be the perfect husband, despite me assuring him that he would always be more than enough for me, so maybe all the stress just got to him and he literally couldn't handle it?

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not ready to commit in the way he thought he was.

 

I realize he was eager to propose initially, but you have been dating less than a year. That is fast, especially at your ages. He hasn't even finished school yet. Being friends for a long time certainly does allow you to get to know each other, but the dynamic changes when you become a couple. You were only about 9 months into coupledom when he broke it off, if I'm calculating correctly. This is around the time when the initial honeymoon rush wears off. My guess is that he got way too caught up in the rush and thrill that comes with being a new couple, and made a choice (proposing) that he was just not ready for. Once those initial sparks settled, he realized he was in over his head. This is why I would always strongly discourage anyone - especially younger folks - to make huge decisions like this while still in the honeymoon phase. It's so important to wait until the daily rhythm of the relationship has time to unfold before deciding to make it permanent.

 

I would not try to convince him he's wrong. That's not fair - he knows his own heart and mind better than you. Maybe he does just need time alone to work out what's in his mind, but it seems he was having doubts before this argument erupted.

 

All you can do is proceed as though it's really over. Work on detaching and healing. That way, regardless of whether or not he comes back, you will be in a better place emotionally.

[Nothingtolose]

lady_a, this is a typical case of commitment phobia.

 

I highly recommend the books "men who can't love" and "he's scared, she's scared". Google them, it'll help you make sense of your ex's behaviour going from super intense to breaking up out of the blue.

[d0nnivain]

Normally I tell people it's over & not to look back.

 

 

Your situation might have a future but you will have to be patient. I think he got scared & then the slightest things provoked him. Plus I think you were moving too fast. You needed a longer engagement & premarital counseling.

 

 

You two are still somewhat entangle because of your obligations in the other wedding. Be sweet when you see him. Not obsequious just pleasant. Let him see that you understand him & show him by your actions that he jumped the gun. He needs to see calm, relaxed, no pressure you to balance out all the desire for perfection he put on himself then cracked under.

 

 

If you reconcile take things slow. Have an engagement of at least 1 - 1.5 years. Besides some wedding gowns have to be ordered 8 months in advance.

[preraph]

He was completely all in and completely head over heels for me a month ago when he proposed. When he talked to my dad, my dad was totally convinced that this guy loved me as much as a person could love anyone. My ex told me right before he proposed that there was nothing I could ever do to keep him from wanting to marry me. He told me a week after getting engaged that when he put the ring on my finger he was signing up for whatever difficulties came along. I just don't know what changed so drastically within the several weeks after that. We had a few disagreements but I thought we worked them out and I thought we were on track to fix any future ones in a better way. He expressed once that he was putting a lot of pressure on himself to be the perfect husband, despite me assuring him that he would always be more than enough for me, so maybe all the stress just got to him and he literally couldn't handle it?

 

Saying it is one thing. Reality set in when he started seeing all the problems a union has when two people have to agree on things together. It's a whole different ballgame and it's not for everyone, particularly the immature or those used to always having things their way.

[lady_a]

Saying it is one thing. Reality set in when he started seeing all the problems a union has when two people have to agree on things together. It's a whole different ballgame and it's not for everyone, particularly the immature or those used to always having things their way.

 

I would agree that he is pretty emotionally immature and probably pretty used to having things his way. I just don't know if/when he would ever mature and/or come to his senses. I think he has made a huge mistake by throwing our whole relationship away just for a few minor issues. We're both going to have a difficult time finding other people we get along with so well and agree with on so many major things.

[preraph]

I would agree that he is pretty emotionally immature and probably pretty used to having things his way. I just don't know if/when he would ever mature and/or come to his senses. I think he has made a huge mistake by throwing our whole relationship away just for a few minor issues. We're both going to have a difficult time finding other people we get along with so well and agree with on so many major things.

 

He may never grow up. It was up to his parents to raise him to be a competent adult, but so many parents these days just let their kids get their own way on everything that they don't learn the skill of compromising. And I promise you that you can't be the one to teach him because that puts you in the unhealthy sex-killing position of then having a parent/child relationship with him. Once you have to deal with real everyday issues, you both have to be able to learn to cope. If you married him now you'd have an unbalanced relationship with you being the one to give in on everything, probably.

 

IF he shows any interest in reuniting, the only thing I would recommend would be for both of you together to go into premarital counseling just in case any of these issues can be worked on. However, I would warn you that likely premarital counseling will simply uncover more issues you can't agree on.

[lady_a]

It has been 12 days since my ex-fiance broke up with me out of the blue (here is the full story... long story short we dated 7 months, were engaged for 1 month, then he suddenly changed his mind for seemingly no reason). I have adhered to no contact the whole time since he ended things, except for sending him an email the day after we broke up in which I countered some ridiculous and false statements he made about my character during the breakup (I never expected a response, but I just had to defend myself).

 

We had two pretty bad weeks before he broke up with me where I knew he was questioning whether he wanted to marry me. So in a way I feel as if my grieving for the end of our relationship started 2 weeks before it actually officially ended, if that makes sense. I cried more and felt worse during those 2 weeks than I did after he actually ended it, but the sense of finality when he ended it was a different kind of awful.

 

To be honest, I feel today as if I am already moving on. Some character flaws of his were revealed to me during the breakup, and I pretty much lost all respect for him for breaking his promise to me. The first week after the breakup was AWFUL and I missed him immensely but I started to come to terms with the fact that I actually do not want to marry him the way he is. If he ever came back, I'm not even sure if I would want to reconcile. He would have to prove A LOT to me and I don't know if I could ever trust him again. Because of that, I feel like I'm having a much easier time moving on and looking forward to a better relationship someday.

 

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? Is it possible to actually move on this quickly after a relationship ends? Or is it just a fleeting feeling that may not last?

 

At this point, I feel as if I might be ready to start talking to someone else if the opportunity presented itself, but I don't know if that would be considered a rebound at this point. I don't want a rebound; I just am really confident about what I want in a man, and right now I know my ex does not have what I need. I still do wonder about what could happen someday if he came back, but he would have to change a lot of things about himself first. I do still miss the good times we shared together, but it is a weird feeling because the person he was back then seems like a stranger to me now. I miss certain things about him, but I feel like his bad qualities FAR outweigh his good qualities in my mind right now. I miss the companionship and the familiarity we had, and also the future dreams we had made together. But when I look back at photos of us, it feels like I'm looking at somebody I currently do not know.

 

Anyway, has anyone ever experienced something like this? Am I on the right track? I feel as if the worst is over for me, but I've also read posts on here about how feelings of sadness suddenly come back at unexpected times sometimes weeks or months down the line, so that scares me a little. Does anyone have any advice or insight for me?

[Ronnys93]

Take your time. While I'm only on day 3 of no contact and I feel pretty great. I know that I can relapse at ANY moment. My ex will eventually reach back out and when he does it is going to be a test for myself. Your trigger could be anything. If you feel comfortable do go out on dates, but I'd keep them casual. I think 12 days is a little too soon but everyone is different. Just make sure you're checking in with yourself more than usual. I'm rooting for you!

[lady_a]

Take your time. While I'm only on day 3 of no contact and I feel pretty great. I know that I can relapse at ANY moment. My ex will eventually reach back out and when he does it is going to be a test for myself. Your trigger could be anything. If you feel comfortable do go out on dates, but I'd keep them casual. I think 12 days is a little too soon but everyone is different. Just make sure you're checking in with yourself more than usual. I'm rooting for you!

 

Thank you! I was definitely NOT okay on day 3 or even on day 7 but each day is getting so much better. So far, no relapses because everything just reminds me of how much my ex sucks and I don't have many loving feelings left toward him. If he tried to contact me, I wouldn't even want to talk to him. Good luck to you too! You got this!

[lady_a]

Well, I received a letter in the mail this week from my ex-fiance (dumper) after 66 days of no contact.

 

It was the rudest letter I've ever read in my life and just confirms to me that I am so much better off without him. He essentially said in so many words, "sorry for ending things the way I did, it has been the hardest 2 months of my life and I've spent every day since then crying over how much I hurt you... but I'm actually not that sorry because I was only infatuated with you, I never loved you, our relationship was unhealthy and terrible, and you and your family are the worst." He dumped me about a month after proposing to me, after we had a few minor disagreements about wedding plans, because he claimed that I couldn't "understand" him. Up until the 2 weeks before our breakup, our relationship had been pretty much perfect. If he ever had any issues with me or thought things were "unhealthy," he never gave ANY indication.

 

I know everyone says not to reply to the dumper when/if he reaches out, but a few hours after I received his letter I sent him a pretty long text message calling him out on breaking his promises and leading me on, telling him that he was incredibly rude and condescending to me in his letter, and also telling him I've realized I deserve so much more in my future marriage and that I hope he finds what he's looking for someday. It honestly felt so good to get it all off my chest. I spent our whole relationship telling him how amazing he was (I honestly thought he was) but I saw a whole new side of him when he dumped me, and again in this letter, which literally had zero purpose. I don't care at this point if he ever replies. I still struggle with missing the good aspects of our relationship, and the good qualities that he had. I don't want a rebound, but I miss the companionship. I've been on a couple of dates but haven't really clicked with anyone, nor have I found anyone that I find as attractive as my ex. I hope that someday I can.

 

Does anyone have any insight into why he sent me this letter out of the blue? If he is so "over" me, then what's the point of sending me a letter 2 months after the breakup that essentially just reiterated all the reasons he gave me back then for ending our relationship? Nothing he said was revolutionary information, but it was a heck of a lot ruder than anything he said to me during the breakup. It still sounds to me like he's trying to talk himself into the fact that he made the right decision. But I'm pretty much completely over it at this point...

[Maldives]

Yes I do have some insight. Really he has become the dumpee in this. That would explain why u felt like u were pretty much moving on after 12 days. I am rooting for u. It was a dig at u to get back at u because wen he supposedly dumped u he was probably expecting u to beg and chase and instead u really did move on.

 

I believe that the other person can sense wen we really have moved on. And in this case I believe u have just wth some normal residual feelings and memories but essentially ur on ur way, I suspect he isn't