soulforge Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) Previous thread for context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/615707-dumped-my-girlfriend-now-struggling-my-decision Ok guys, do you ever question yourself when dealing with someone behaving in a rude or disrespectful manner towards you? I mean do you ever think.. Hey maybe i'm just being over sensitive, maybe I should just let this go, in order to avoid confrontation! Just want your opinion on what I have been dealing with here, as I ended a relationship with my ex couple of months ago, due to unreasonable behaviour! INCIDENT ONE 3 months into the relationship it was my exe's Birthday.. She invited me to stop with her for a weekend at her friends apartment in Scotland, then to drive over to her home town afterwards for a meal and drinks at a bar grill with her family. I agreed, so we drove over there and it was a 4 hour drive, I had also not slept much the night before.. when we arrived, we went to meet her freind, and she invited us to join her for a meal that afternoon, also to go for a few drinks. We went out sight seeing during the day.. I was very tired from the long drive, only slept 5 hours the night before, and had spent the whole day walking. I mentioned to her, that I didn't want to be out too late tonight.. just as I said that she SNAPPED. HER - That is my friend, i have not seen her in ages, who are you trying to spoil my night blah blah blah So basically she got angry because i didn't want to be out too late.. the rest of the day was very awkward, we didn't hold hands.. We then joined her freind for this meal.. her freind is a snob and proceeded to patronise me about my ethnicity.. she basically talked about my background and ethnicity for about an hour, till the point i began to feel uncomfortable! My ex was drinking quite alot.. in fact they both where.. i decided to go use the toilet.. when i came back, I noticed my ex and her friend whispering to each other.. they stopped immediately when I sat down. Then all of a sudden my then girlfriend tells me, that I probably would not enjoy going to the bar grill restaurant with her for her birthday meal, as its a very lively upbeat place and would not be my thing! She then proceeded to patronise me, and TOLD me that she would drive me back home tomorrow! Then her friend butted in, and tried to put me off the idea of going to this birthday meal too. As you can imagine i knew what there game was, and just said it's not a problem I will not go.. i was pretty angry & upset by this.. My ex then said something to mock my mobile phone.. claiming it was old and like an antique.. she has a newer phone than mine. I was already upset, so I told her I am perfectly happy with my phone, and don't appreciate her mocking it.. She then started raising her voice at me in the public in the restaurant.. I restrained myself, we then called a taxi.. she did not speak to me, when we got to the apartment, she just left me there, she went off to a separate room and went to sleep.. I knew that I could not possibly spend another day with her, so at 6am in the morning I left the apartment, found a train station, paid for a very expensive train ticket, and left for home.. I decided i had no choice but to dump this woman after the way she treated me.. so i sent a text and finished it.. For the next two weeks she bombarded me with text and phone calls.. Like an IDIOT i caved in.. and we got back together! WHAT A MISTAKE I SHOULD HAVE WALKED INCIDENT TWO (The Yawning Incident lol) So me and my ex would always WhatsApp before going to sleep.. She called me one afternoon after work, I was very tired, also had done a intense gym session.. While talking to her on the phone, I accidentally yawned.. she sounded annoyed and said this.. HER - Right i'm off speak to you tomorrow now So i said, why whats the problem? We speak every night, so whats the issue today.. HER - I must be boring you, speak tomorrow So i just put the phone down.. Couldn't believe she was acting like this over an accidental yawn. We didn't speak to each other for the next two days.. she didn't contact me in the morning like she normally does.. I felt like i was being punished for no reason here. On the third day, she started texting me, like nothing had happened.. I pointed out to her that I will yawn whenever I like, without being made to feel like a criminal for it. She did not apologise, and pretty much tried to overlook the situation and pretend it did not happen. INCIDENT THREE She asked me to stop over at her house, and give her a hand with her gardening & taking loads of junk from her shed to the scrap yard. I wasn't feeling too well, i had some back ache too, but still I manned up, and helped dig out her garden. After a few trips to the crap yard, I asked her if she could later on drop me off in town, because i want to do some shopping.. Her reaction.. NO I'M NOT, GO GET A BUS! So here i am thinking, that i have been breaking my back for her all day, and all I want is just a 10 or 15 minute ride into town, and she is telling me to go get a bus.. Here is the thing, i did not mind if she could not drop me off.. but she could have easily politely told me she cannot drop me off.. Why be so abrupt and ***ing rude about it.. this is someone who spent the whole day digging her garden up. After that I downed tools, and refused to help her any further.. INCIDENT FOUR Christmas Eve 2016, she invites me to join her for some takeaway food with her two daughters and there boyfriends. It was a very busy day and i was extremely rushed.. I had to catch a train to get to her house an hour away.. so I did not remember to go to the cash machine! When the takeaway food arrived, my ex went into her purse pulled some money out, but only had £10 in there.. So she asked if I had some money?? ME - Sorry I have no cash on me HER - DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE COME OVER HERE WITH NO MONEY IN YOUR POCKETS So one of the young lads had to pay my share for the takeaway.. i felt VERY embarrassed, but mostly because my ex spoke to me like that in front of people and showed me up She could have quite easily asked me politely to go to the cash machine, or spoke to me quietly in another room.. why embarras me.. it was an honest mistake. I was so busy, it never came to my mind, and she did give me any info beforehand how the food would be paid. Later when everyone left, i bought this up.. and she basically dismissed my feelings, started raising her voice, said it was ALL my own fault. YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD CASH ON YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH At this point I got somewhat angry, and through a plastic cup across the floor, and told her, I don't know who she thinks she is talking to me like this.. I was also quite tipsy from the vodka, and normally would not get that angry or upset. She basically blamed it all on me.. so i went upto bed on Christmas Eve at 9pm.. I felt too angry and upset to stay downstairs with her.. she did not come up to check up on me once.. Instead she stayed downstairs and blasted loud music till 4am even tho she knew I was in bed.. I did not sleep a wink At this point we where living together, and I just knew I needed to get out of this relationship ASAP.. I was also starting to resent her, and on Christmas day i got angry at her, when she starting being dramatic with me again... She started crying, but I then comforted her and made things up with her.. I started to realise I was feeling angry and resentful towards her, because I was getting fed up with her actions and no apologies or acceptance of wrong doing! INCIDENT FIVE After the New Year she told me, she is moving out and leaving me.. she blamed me entirely for the argument on Christmas.. even tho we BOTH could have handled things better.. She left.. i went no contact.. 2 weeks nc and she calls me to see how i am.. foolishly i took her call.. We talked, she agreed we got on better when we saw each other long distance.. so we got back together.. Sometime time ago, a new girl started on my team at work.. i am her team manager.. she is only 24 years old.. My ex asked me about new people joining my team.. i told her about this girl, and how some of the guys are behaving like desperate dogs around her, because she happens to be an Attractive looking girl.. I told her how i find it sad when men behave like this.. My ex must have turned this into, oh I find her attractive.. let me be clear.. I DO NOT she is just a young kid So I went to my works belated Christmas Party and she went out with her freinds for a night out, as it was her Birthday. throughout the night she kept texting me making snide remarks about this girl Gemma.. Her - Has Gemma come yet lol Her - You do know office romances do not workout haha Her - Have you seen anything good enough to eat tonight lol Her - Are you taking Gemma back home in the taxi with you.. haha as you can imagine i was getting very uncomfortable with this.. i was getting annoyed with her behaviour, to the point where i left the party early as i did not feel good being there anymore! Also she made me feel like i was some kinda pervert preying on young girls... Only 1 week after my works party, i went out for a my Birthday meal with my team from work.. She left me alone while i was at the meal When i arrived home she started messaging me on WhatsApp again.. Her - Hows was the meal? Did gemma come lol Me - Yes she did, my whole team came, and we enjoyed the meal.. Her - Good.. Well atleast you had a pretty face to look at while your eating lol At this point I called her out on her behaviour & told her she was out of order carrying on like this.. She did not take being criticed well.. and claimed it was ALL A JOKE.. yes i am sure it was.. somethings are just not funny! Few days later we had a little disagreement on Whatsapp.. I had to break away from the conversation with her, due to an emergency call from my sister.. My ex must have thought I was ignoring her.. So she left this message on whatsapp.. HER - CHARGE UP YOUR PHONE DIK HEAD HAHA I do not like being called a Dik Head.. I believe swearing like that is pushing my boundaries.. So i didn't speak to her the next day.. when i eventually took her call.. she again claimed IT WAS JUST A JOKE We had a date due for that week.. but i was working on the day she could come over to stay.. So i decided to do a shift swap at work in order for us to meet.. it is not easy to get a shift swap, it has to go through our planning team etc.. This swap meant, i finish work one hour later than i usually do.. I sent her a text on date day, said will see you around 8.45pm as i needs some extra time to get ready.. Normally i see her around 8.15pm So its only half an hour difference.. She sends me this text message.. Her - Do you want me to leave it? Lol So i called her... I explained that i had a later finish, and she needs to be a bit more patient with me, as I just need some extra time to shower, change etc.. She then said to me I WAS JOKING At this point i got a little annoyed with her and said.. ME - Look you need to start thinking about some of these jokes, as they are not always funny. At this point she got annoyed, and said, i'll just leave it, then she CUT me off phone. She didn't bother coming for the date.. 4 days went by and I heard NOTHING from her. I felt so disrespected.. she didn't even call back, apologise or anything.. After 4 days i just knew I cannot expect this kind of behaviour any longer... So i sent her a text and DUMPED her... DUMPED HER AND NOT SPOKE TO HER SINCE Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added link to previous thread ~6
nowhereboy Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 You did the right thing. This is the type of woman who would have an absolutely devastating effect on a guy with not so great self esteem. Thankfully you are not that guy. It would become one of those crazy making abusive relationships, period. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 She's your EX. You already dumped her over this stuff. What is the Q? 3
Author soulforge Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 You did the right thing. This is the type of woman who would have an absolutely devastating effect on a guy with not so great self esteem. Thankfully you are not that guy. It would become one of those crazy making abusive relationships, period. Well here is the thing.. I believe everyone deserves one chance.. that first major incident was her first chance... I let her get away with a couple of more things that where somewhat minor.. then when she resorted to cutting me off the phone.. I straight dropped her.. Its strange tho, when in a relationship like this, you LOSE your sense of reality.. you can easily lose perceptive of what is normal and not normal 1
preraph Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I see fault on both sides. You put a damper on her trip. I know it can really suck letting someone else call the shots, but when you were going to see their family or friends, this is their trip, and they should get to call the shots. Rather than suggest she cut the night short, offering to let them go out alone together might have been more appropriate, although the friend may or may not have wanted you alone in her home. I see disrespect on both sides, and feel you like to always get your way, and maybe she does too, so you're probably better off leaving this one behind and finding someone more compatible. 2
Author soulforge Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 I see fault on both sides. You put a damper on her trip. I know it can really suck letting someone else call the shots, but when you were going to see their family or friends, this is their trip, and they should get to call the shots. Rather than suggest she cut the night short, offering to let them go out alone together might have been more appropriate, although the friend may or may not have wanted you alone in her home. I see disrespect on both sides, and feel you like to always get your way, and maybe she does too, so you're probably better off leaving this one behind and finding someone more compatible. This is exactly what I wanted to suggest.. i wanted to tell her, i could go back to the apartment, but she had already snapped, as soon as i said... i don't want to be out too late tonight.. Boom! She went off one.. and if she did not want me to come to her family meal.. why not pull me aside and just explain to me, that she does not want me there.. You don't colude with a friend and patronise and belittle a person!
nowhereboy Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Well here is the thing.. I believe everyone deserves one chance.. that first major incident was her first chance... I let her get away with a couple of more things that where somewhat minor.. then when she resorted to cutting me off the phone.. I straight dropped her.. Its strange tho, when in a relationship like this, you LOSE your sense of reality.. you can easily lose perceptive of what is normal and not normal I put up with a lot of situations with my ex that left me genuinely confused trying to work out how she was unhappy with me for x y or z. I'd always just assume she was right as she seemed so set in her belief about a certain situation etc. For example, we were clothes shopping once, I asked her to help me pick something. She pointed out a section of clothes and I didn't like them much, told her "nah they are too trendy for me" and she straight out flipped at me, said I was being disrespectful, told me I snapped at her and looked at her horribly. I 100% didn't recall being disrespectful or nasty but she then stormed off and left me looking for her for the next half an hour and not answering her phone. When I finally found her she wanted an apology for the way I acted. She was so convinced I had acted badly I figured she must have been right so I said sorry and forgot about it. It wasn't until many more situations with her acting in this vicious way that I started becoming worried about her behaviour and started to think maybe I'm not the one to blame. I still stuck around and by the end of the relationship she was outright shouting at me, swearing at me and calling names, using silent treatment, stonewalling, the full works.
Author soulforge Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 I put up with a lot of situations with my ex that left me genuinely confused trying to work out how she was unhappy with me for x y or z. I'd always just assume she was right as she seemed so set in her belief about a certain situation etc. For example, we were clothes shopping once, I asked her to help me pick something. She pointed out a section of clothes and I didn't like them much, told her "nah they are too trendy for me" and she straight out flipped at me, said I was being disrespectful, told me I snapped at her and looked at her horribly. I 100% didn't recall being disrespectful or nasty but she then stormed off and left me looking for her for the next half an hour and not answering her phone. When I finally found her she wanted an apology for the way I acted. She was so convinced I had acted badly I figured she must have been right so I said sorry and forgot about it. It wasn't until many more situations with her acting in this vicious way that I started becoming worried about her behaviour and started to think maybe I'm not the one to blame. I still stuck around and by the end of the relationship she was outright shouting at me, swearing at me and calling names, using silent treatment, stonewalling, the full works. Sorry to hear this man... her behaviour became gradually worse because you let her get away with tooo much... As soon as she started to treat you poorly you should have walked away.. But i TOTTALY understand why you did not... you get to the point where you start to believe that type of behaviour is normal or you even do start blaming yourself... Also the fear of walking away, and being on your own.. the fear of thinking you will never find someone else, all this keeps you locked in an a ubusive relationship. Even I spent many days and nights blaming myself, wandering what I can do different.. how can I avoid pissin her off... There where many times where i would accept some responsibility for an argument.. but she would never accept anything.. It was all me to blame... you cannot win in a situation like this.. When my ex cut me off the phone.. and did not even get back to me for 4 days.. I just knew it was time to end this... What happens the next time she behaves in propaly, and I have to speak to her or I get annoyed with her.. She going to cut me off again.. leave me again.. vanish for 4 or 5 days... Things would have got much much worse.. Exactly like they did for you my friend.. The key here is.. any signs of disrespect from your partner, you have to deal with immediately If she dismisses you.. does not a knowledge your feelings... just walk away end it
Author soulforge Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 I put up with a lot of situations with my ex that left me genuinely confused trying to work out how she was unhappy with me for x y or z. I'd always just assume she was right as she seemed so set in her belief about a certain situation etc. For example, we were clothes shopping once, I asked her to help me pick something. She pointed out a section of clothes and I didn't like them much, told her "nah they are too trendy for me" and she straight out flipped at me, said I was being disrespectful, told me I snapped at her and looked at her horribly. I 100% didn't recall being disrespectful or nasty but she then stormed off and left me looking for her for the next half an hour and not answering her phone. When I finally found her she wanted an apology for the way I acted. She was so convinced I had acted badly I figured she must have been right so I said sorry and forgot about it. It wasn't until many more situations with her acting in this vicious way that I started becoming worried about her behaviour and started to think maybe I'm not the one to blame. I still stuck around and by the end of the relationship she was outright shouting at me, swearing at me and calling names, using silent treatment, stonewalling, the full works. In the end I am guessing she broke up with you? When they treat you like that, then dump you on top of that, can leave a man traumatised
preraph Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 This is exactly what I wanted to suggest.. i wanted to tell her, i could go back to the apartment, but she had already snapped, as soon as i said... i don't want to be out too late tonight.. Boom! She went off one.. and if she did not want me to come to her family meal.. why not pull me aside and just explain to me, that she does not want me there.. You don't colude with a friend and patronise and belittle a person! You don't wait until the night of to turn the plans upside down. Because that's exactly as she took it, ruining her night for her. She made plans. You were forcing her to pay attention to you by waiting until she was supposed to be having a fun time with her friends and throwing a little fit.
nowhereboy Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 In the end I am guessing she broke up with you? When they treat you like that, then dump you on top of that, can leave a man traumatised Yea she dumped me in the end. The whole thing was a massive head f*ck to be honest. I lived with her and raised her son as my own for three years, I lost him too unfortunately. I don't think she was doing anything maliciously or deliberately, she just got it in to her head that I wasn't a nice guy and that I was out to get her, she was super defensive. Occasionally she would be vulnerable and let me into her thoughts and her head, she was a very scared woman and was convinced I was going to hurt her. Sad situation as I was clearly running around like mad trying to show her this wasn't the case. She lost feelings in the end. I know I played a part in this breakdown of us but the difference is I've walked away and spent time learning about myself and trying to better myself. I know shes walked away thinking it was all my fault and won't be doing any soul searching. She's looking for something that doesn't exist. Anyway enough about me, sorry for the thread hijack!
Author soulforge Posted April 20, 2017 Author Posted April 20, 2017 You don't wait until the night of to turn the plans upside down. Because that's exactly as she took it, ruining her night for her. She made plans. You were forcing her to pay attention to you by waiting until she was supposed to be having a fun time with her friends and throwing a little fit. I didn't throw a little fit.. I had drove to Scotland for 5 hours.. We had only slept 5 hours the night before.. Then spent 8 hours walking around sight seeing.. The plan to go for a meal with her friend was only arranged on the day we arrived, it was not pre arranged. All I said was, I don't fancy being out too late tonight.. she Snapped I was happy to go for a meal with them and then come back home to the apartment, but she was already annoyed with me, and the conversation did not get that far. And how does this make it ok for her to scheme behind my back when I went to toilet with her friend, then try to get her friend to convince me that I should not attend my own GF's Birthday Meal?? This was her dis inviting me from the meal.. why not just tell me herself, rather than use her friend to patronise me?? Why then mock my mobile phone in front of her friend? Why raise her voice at me in a public place in front of people? Why take me all the way to Scotland, then in front of her friend TELL me she will drive me back home tomorrow? Why walk off and leave me to sleep on my own, and ignore me for the rest of the night? It was a MISUNDERSTANDING why take the situation to such an extreme?
Author soulforge Posted April 20, 2017 Author Posted April 20, 2017 Even though we broke up after the Scotland Incident.. We got back together. Yes I should have handled some things differently that night and she could have handled things better, but we got back together.. but what about the rest of drama that was yet to come??
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 It was all just drama drama and more drama from the both of you. It is exactly what happens when the end of a relationship is nigh and neither really wants to formally end it. I am not sure why you think you dumped her, when it is obvious she dumped you by cutting all contact with you. At this point she got annoyed, and said, i'll just leave it, then she CUT me off phone. She didn't bother coming for the date.. 4 days went by and I heard NOTHING from her. I felt so disrespected.. she didn't even call back, apologise or anything.. After 4 days i just knew I cannot expect this kind of behaviour any longer... ^^^ SHE dumped you So i sent her a text and DUMPED her... Too late, you were already dumped.
Author soulforge Posted April 20, 2017 Author Posted April 20, 2017 It was all just drama drama and more drama from the both of you. It is exactly what happens when the end of a relationship is nigh and neither really wants to formally end it. I am not sure why you think you dumped her, when it is obvious she dumped you by cutting all contact with you. ^^^ SHE dumped you Too late, you were already dumped. she has done this before, stopped talking to me, and we have then gotten back together.. and it's true, it was total drama.. she cut me off the phone because I told her I was not happy about her making a joke out of everything.. she got annoyed about this, and cut me off. she believed I would call her back, like I have done in the past.. but I did not.. I decided to make the break official.. either way it does not matter who broke it off.. point is it was toxic, and I am better off out of it
mightycpa Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Even though we broke up after the Scotland Incident.. We got back together. Yes I should have handled some things differently that night and she could have handled things better, but we got back together.. but what about the rest of drama that was yet to come??Well, you said it yourself. Getting back together was a big mistake. The thing is, if you don't like to be belittled, mocked and yelled at, then you were with the wrong girl. Everybody's going to have conflict, not all of it will be reasonable. So then the only thing you have left is how the other person deals with you: 1) wants to talk it to death 2) silent treatment 3) verbal abuse 4) physical abuse 5) cheating 6) breakup etc. pick your poison
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