Considering a breakup. Thoughts to my reasoning?

[MrAskAQuestion]

My gf of 21 months and I have had issues the past few weeks. Bumpy, although she says that we can work it out if we both try.

 

I think I am causing the fights because I sometimes distance myself from her, in person, over the phone and text. Not every single day, but maybe...25% of the time. I do that sometimes because, I think, I'm insecure. And, I feel insecure because of an incident from a year ago that I've tried to forget. One day, I overheard her telling her friend that while we were fighting, she was trying to not think of me and so she was thinking of another guy she liked at school. When I asker her about it, she said she didn't mean it and was angry when she said it. We talked, and for a while, I didn't think about it. But I've felt unsafe since then. And it's been kicking in strong since then.

 

We've had multiple arguments and fights since then over different things. But deep down, I think it stems from my insecurity. I feel like I somewhat lost her already. And as of recently, when the Spring semester started, we don't talk or see each other as often. She doesn't reply as often to messages because she says she's busy with friends or at school, and also said she doesn't want to deal with my negativity. So, she doesn't seem to care as much about seeing me anymore. She even insisted we break up for a weekend then get back together, to evaluate her feelings for the relationship. That, to me, screams Red Flag.

 

In general, I'm just not happy in the relationship. I don't like this feeling insecurity or being overly-jealous of someone that I feel almost uneasy about. Even though what she said was "out of anger", it scarred me in a way. And although she says she wants to try to work our issues out (and she does put in a lot of effort) it doesn't seem like there's a flare there anymore. I get this "friend" vibe from her even though we call each other our nicknames. She seems content with not seeing me as much anymore (we now only see each other once a week). So, even more I've been distancing myself from her. Now I don't reply to her as much. Because its a mix of retaliation to her replying-habits, as well as slowly losing interest b/c of the stress from thinking about our problems.

 

She is a great person and tries really hard on we have had issues. But this feeling is hard to shake off. Because our attraction to each other doesn't feel the same anymore. She doesn't care about having sex, and I have to ask her more often if she's in the mood rather her asking me. That's one thing that has really bothered me. Even if we don't have a place to do it sometimes, I wish she showed more sexual interest in me. And I think I seek that sexual reciprocation to make up/or to forget the insecurity I feel from hearing what she said to her friend.

 

My question is: Am I overthinking something that I should not be overthinking, and should I try to disregard something from a year ago?

 

Or, was that a good indicator and enough to seriously consider a breakup?

 

Any advice would be helpful. I've been thinking about breaking up the past few days, and I think I might go with that. So, input on my summarized though process would be grealy appreciated.

Edited April 19, 2017 by MrAskAQuestion

[spiderowl]

This is difficult because it sounds like the relationship is already on a downward spiral. Once you both get to the stage of mistrusting each other or get fed up of the arguments, things can go downhill rapidly because feelings have changed. Are you at that stage yet? It sounds like it.

 

If you feel you are starting the fights, then she will almost certainly think so too. If it stems from insecurity, then she will be baffled as to why the fights are occurring. Feeling confused and shaken leads to mistrust and eventually anger and avoiding the unpleasant situation. It sounds like that is where you both are.

 

What she said made you feel insecure but you were already insecure if you were starting fights - unless you are saying the fights were different before this comment. I can understand her saying something like that - her way of trying to distract herself when she is upset with you - but it has triggered deeper insecurity in you.

 

If you feel you can talk to her, why not tell her what you were thinking at that point? She is probably unaware that you are shaken to the core and have been for a while. This alone may help with you both being able to pull together and try to retrieve the relationship. I just have a feeling that the continued uncertainty and unhappiness within the relationship has gone past the point of saving. It depends really how much you two truly love each other and whether you are both willing to work on it.

 

It may help you to seek counselling for your insecurity to see where it comes from. It may not save this relationship but might prevent you from inadvertently damaging another one. I am not saying that you have damaged this one - only you know if that is the case - but counselling would give you someone to talk with at a time when you are struggling to deal with a difficult situation.

Edited April 19, 2017 by spiderowl

[MrAskAQuestion]

This is difficult because it sounds like the relationship is already on a downward spiral. Once you both get to the stage of mistrusting each other or get fed up of the arguments, things can go downhill rapidly because feelings have changed. Are you at that stage yet? It sounds like it.

 

If you feel you are starting the fights, then she will almost certainly think so too. If it stems from insecurity, then she will be baffled as to why the fights are occurring. Feeling confused and shaken leads to mistrust and eventually anger and avoiding the unpleasant situation. It sounds like that is where you both are.

 

What she said made you feel insecure but you were already insecure if you were starting fights - unless you are saying the fights were different before this comment. I can understand her saying something like that - her way of trying to distract herself when she is upset with you - but it has triggered deeper insecurity in you.

 

If you feel you can talk to her, why not tell her what you were thinking at that point? She is probably unaware that you are shaken to the core and have been for a while. This alone may help with you both being able to pull together and try to retrieve the relationship. I just have a feeling that the continued uncertainty and unhappiness within the relationship has gone past the point of saving. It depends really how much you two truly love each other and whether you are both willing to work on it.

 

It may help you to seek counselling for your insecurity to see where it comes from. It may not save this relationship but might prevent you from inadvertently damaging another one. I am not saying that you have damaged this one - only you know if that is the case - but counselling would give you someone to talk with at a time when you are struggling to deal with a difficult situation.

 

Hey, thank you for the reply!

 

The fights were different before the comment.

 

Also, I have told her recently how I felt about the comment, that it truly bothered me. I can't remember word-for-word her answer, but it was something like "I didn't mean it and I want to be with you". Something like that.

 

So, I still feel shaken by it even after going over it. Does that kind of thing seem too small to cling on to? After a year, and after going over it with my SO?

[spiderowl]

I don't know how much importance you should give to the comment. It sounds like a throwaway thing that someone might say in the heat of the moment - "Oh god, he is causing me stress, I just have to think of some fantasy guy at such times because it makes me feel better". It does not mean she would go for the fantasy guy, it's just her escape mechanism. It means she felt hurt and upset at what was happening at the time. Then again, there can be truth in jest - so which is it?

 

I suspect she would only consider other guys if things were not resolved between you. If there are lots of upsetting arguments, she is bound to feel hurt and damaged by it. Why do you want to maintain a relationship where you are both having so many arguments? I think counselling would help you to figure out whether your insecurity stems from your girlfriends actions in any way or is something that was there beforehand and has become more prominent. Basically though, do you want to stay in a relationship where you clearly feel so insecure?

[d0nnivain]

In general, I'm just not happy in the relationship.

 

 

This is the bottom line. You are not happy. Why you are unhappy is almost secondary.

 

Yes, I think you are taking this way too seriously. One off-handed comment not meant for your ears made in the heat of anger should not continue to color your perception for this long. There is a reason the saying is forgive and forget. You have allowed this to poison your relationship. Nothing she can ever say or do will be enough for you so just let her go already.

[MrAskAQuestion]

I don't know how much importance you should give to the comment. It sounds like a throwaway thing that someone might say in the heat of the moment - "Oh god, he is causing me stress, I just have to think of some fantasy guy at such times because it makes me feel better". It does not mean she would go for the fantasy guy, it's just her escape mechanism. It means she felt hurt and upset at what was happening at the time. Then again, there can be truth in jest - so which is it?

 

I suspect she would only consider other guys if things were not resolved between you. If there are lots of upsetting arguments, she is bound to feel hurt and damaged by it. Why do you want to maintain a relationship where you are both having so many arguments? I think counselling would help you to figure out whether your insecurity stems from your girlfriends actions in any way or is something that was there beforehand and has become more prominent. Basically though, do you want to stay in a relationship where you clearly feel so insecure?

 

Well, she said she was thinking about another guy she's been crushing on at school. The way she said seems like it's been going on for a while. And we had argued quite a bit during that time.

[spiderowl]

Are there girls you crush on? Would you leave your girlfriend for them because of an argument? Probably not. But then again, if the arguments go on and on and neither person seems happy, probably time to end the relationship.