Girlfriend 6 months - just completely shutdown.

[jude007]

Hi, I met my girlfriend (at least I think she still is) over a 6 months ago.

 

We had an amazing time, and it was her that brought me into her family, made me feel at home and welcome, we travelled to some fantastic city breaks. We were pretty much in each others pockets, and enjoyed our time together, we both revealed our love for each other on Valentines........We both have similar age children, and are 40. Similar we are both busy in careers, and also working on our family homes, as we broke up with the respective parents of our kids around the same time, and bought properties. we met around 4 months after.

 

We met via a dating website, and everything has been fantastic. We had the parents meet each other, we also both became close to each others children. I've had some relationships, but this has been pretty perfect until that point. I worship the ground she walks on,

 

Then all of a sudden, over April, she has cancelled on me a number of times, not responded to texts for over a day, pulled back in terms of communication......had a serious discussion 2 weeks ago about her lack of comms, we sorted it out, had a nice weekend together, all was good.

 

Ive tried to be patient about it, but the 'read'ing of texts and no response - I would never do that to someone, and b) she wont communicate. We normally have a date night Wed - she hasn't responded. So I text her last night to advise where I am with this all. ie we are 40 - she has cut me off again, kept me at arms length, and I don't understand why. I was sympathetic, but I guess yes I advised her I was not happy with the current situation, but that I am here for her if she wants to talk to me...........she has yet to respond to my txt.

 

I just do not know what to do, its been like this for 3 weeks....... and to be honest as frustrating as it is, its very sad, as when you look back over the times even the last night out we had together...........

 

Welcome anyones thoughts on this please.

[act00]

You met about four months after a major breakup. That's not a lot of time to take to heal and pretty fast to jump into a new relationship. Often times, the first one after a breakup is a transition or rebound relationship. Plus, at six months, it's normal for relationships to fade out. The honeymoon phase is over, and this is when people really start to learn whether they want to continue the relationship. it's also normal for things to slow down (not travel as much, hang at home more, not call/text as often). It could very well be that she's realizing she's not ready to go 100% into a new relationship having only been divorced four months prior to meeting you. It sounds like things moved really fast. Maybe she needs it to slow down, or maybe you are not the one, and she's ready to move on.

[jude007]

Thanks ACT.

 

I appreciate that, she actually met someone for 2 months after her breakup. MY relationship was effectively over for a year, as was hers she advised.

 

Its just a mess, she has advised we need to 'fine tune' things, and she needs time for herself, thats all very well, but their are ways of going about that, and communicating..... she just doesn't!

 

The other week was Im sorry for being so distant, but I need some time for myself....... then we talk it through, have a great time for another week, and its back to the same again......

 

What do I do - she hasn't replied to my txt, i guess i'm too old in the tooth for all this, so I should just let her be.....

 

its all very sad........

[Gaeta]

Thanks ACT.

 

I appreciate that, she actually met someone for 2 months after her breakup. MY relationship was effectively over for a year, as was hers she advised.

 

Its just a mess, she has advised we need to 'fine tune' things, and she needs time for herself, thats all very well, but their are ways of going about that, and communicating..... she just doesn't!

 

The other week was Im sorry for being so distant, but I need some time for myself....... then we talk it through, have a great time for another week, and its back to the same again......

 

What do I do - she hasn't replied to my txt, i guess i'm too old in the tooth for all this, so I should just let her be.....

 

its all very sad........

 

Yes it is sad.

 

She had a change of heart, it happens, it's no one's fault. Sounds like she divorced and had no time to herself. She got into a 2 month relationship than you. She didn't take time to herself after her break up and it's catching up to her.

 

If I were you I'd consider this relationship over. When someone wants to leave your life, let them. You can't talk someone into being with you or into communicating with you. Like I said her heart isn't there anymore.

[smackie9]

Rebound, the ex is back trying to reconcile or she met someone new.....in other words she stepped out on you. Scratch her off your list.

[Telemachus]

You used the words "amazing" and "fantastic". Amazing and fantastic things/people/encounters/situations are unpredictable and too good to be true.

 

You thought you were living in a bubble that would never rupture or burst. Amazing and fantastic things don't last, and you're old enough to know that - they are outside our expectations and unreal.

 

You don't like her communication habits - that's solely your problem, not hers. Her boss who authorizes her paycheck can specify a response time to work e-mail.

 

There is no standard in polite personal communication - you don't have that kind of claim on her time. You may want or expect a response, but she doen't owe you or anyone else one. If anything, you are being impolite for criticizing her communication habits.

 

Consider silence/nonresponse to be her response; lighten up; and find a match more to your liking.

[jude007]

Thanks for all your feedback, I am old enough but I have to say, I have had some tough times, and maybe its my expectations in some respects, and the want to be with someone...... I treat women with respect, and with alot of thought, but I guess I pushed it too much.

 

I received a message tonight - She wants to look after her child and herself, and a relationship is too much pressure.

 

I have said I want to work through it, I know when I am with her and the feeling we have together its mutual, I will give her some space, work on myself, my kid and house/work.

 

I'm very sad and gutted - at 40 - something I never thought I would feel again.

[Gaeta]

I received a message tonight - She wants to look after her child and herself, and a relationship is too much pressure.

She broke up with you.

 

I have said I want to work through it, I know when I am with her and the feeling we have together its mutual, I will give her some space, work on myself, my kid and house/work.

Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? just because it feels good to you? There is nothing to work through, her heart is gone, she broke up.

 

I am sorry.

[jude007]

In each others company its easy, we both said that, we never argued, we could talk all night, we laughed, we both said we felt like best friends, and lovers, then of a sudden in the last 2 weeks, she has kept me at arms length.

 

She was very affectionate the last time we spoke, the issue is I kept driving her to want to do things, spend time with me, I made her feel a little claustrophobic I believe.

 

I feel that if she communicated what she wanted, or if she was willing to talk it over we wouldn't be in this position.

 

time will tell, but I have some hope slight but some.........

[BCCA]

I'm sorry, that sucks, but it's over.

 

You're looking for hope because of how she ended it, but what she said was a cop out. She doesn't want to be the bad guy, but her looking after her kids is not the reason she's backing off. She's just not into it. She tried to spare your feelings, and in doing so left you with false hopes.

 

Where there is a will, there's a way. She'd find time for you if she wanted to. She doesn't. She just doesn't want to be the witch who broke your heart, so she's blaming circumstances beyond her control that forced her hand, and now you're beating yourself up over it.

 

Just chalk this one up, it's over. I've been there many times, and heard the same excuse. She's not into you any more, and you'll never know for 100% sure why or what happened, but what's important is that you treat yourself better. You deserve to be with somebody who makes time for you and makes you feel wanted. Someone who ignores you and makes excuses will only keep hurting you.

[kendahke]

In each others company its easy, we both said that, we never argued, we could talk all night, we laughed, we both said we felt like best friends, and lovers, then of a sudden in the last 2 weeks, she has kept me at arms length.

 

She was very affectionate the last time we spoke, the issue is I kept driving her to want to do things, spend time with me, I made her feel a little claustrophobic I believe.

 

I feel that if she communicated what she wanted, or if she was willing to talk it over we wouldn't be in this position.

 

time will tell, but I have some hope slight but some.........

 

She was going along to get along and that tack doesn't work.

 

At this point in an involvement, you two shouldn't have to be driving any issues at all, especially in the vein of spending time with one another--she should still be at the point where she wants to do that of her own volition *IF* that was her truth. It's not.

 

What she wants is to not be with you--and talking to you means you would have been forcing your side of the issue onto her to make her own it.

 

My advice is to back off and scratch her off your list. She doesn't want to be with you.

[jude007]

You deserve to be with somebody who makes time for you and makes you feel wanted. Someone who ignores you and makes excuses will only keep hurting you.

 

She did until 3 weeks ago, thanks for the advice...... nothing I can do I realise.

 

[BCCA]

Jude007,

 

I've been there. I had a girl call me to tell me she loved me then the next DAY give me a line about being there for her kids. Point is, it doesn't matter, once they start being flaky, always busy, too tired, etc...its done. People will use any and every excuse to wiggle out of saying I'm just not into you any more, and worse - what if all of a sudden she starts acting how she did before...only to put you through this crap again?

 

Don't set yourself up to be used. Being used doesn't have to be physical, there are plenty of emotional vampires out there who will feed off the attention you give them and leave you high and dry. Once someone starts acting funny, nip it in the bud. Call them on it and set boundaries. If you dont, you're telling them you're ok with your needs not getting met as long as theirs are. Not cool.

 

I'm telling you this while trying to stop myself from continuing to fall victim to an emotional parasite myself. It's hard, you keep thinking about how great it was and wondering why you can't just go back to how it was. I don't know why, and she probably doesn't, either, but it doesn't work that way, unfortunately. Once things turn sour there's nothing you can say or do. Just walk away, don't let your self esteem erode any further.

 

Best of luck.

[Gaeta]

She did until 3 weeks ago, thanks for the advice...... nothing I can do I realise.

 

 

Jude Dear, people don't change their mind just like that about someone they dated 6 months. While you thought you were experiencing an amazing connection she didn't experience it as intensely as you. It's common to be blinded by our own feelings and not see our partner is second guessing themselves.

 

You said something about being too cligny and wanting to monopolyze her time. Have you been like this the whole 6 months? If you have than it should have been your cue that she is not into you as much as you are. If you have only been cligny for the past 3 weeks than do you really think that 3 weeks of clignyness is all it takes to end a strong 6 month relationship? of course not.

[phineas]

work on keeping your space and having you own life and also learn that when a woman backs off you back off even more.

 

She wants space?

Give her all she wants and more.

[jude007]

You said something about being too cligny and wanting to monopolyze her time. Have you been like this the whole 6 months? If you have than it should have been your cue that she is not into you as much as you are. If you have only been cligny for the past 3 weeks than do you really think that 3 weeks of clignyness is all it takes to end a strong 6 month relationship? of course not.

 

Hi, I will be as honest as possible, we went away in march & feb, for some city breaks, and spent a lot of time with each other - the photos themselves show her looking happy.

 

then one week into coming back she got ill, so much so she needs an operation.

She did advise me I was pushing her, and also making her feel smothered. as she had her health and child to look after. We sorted it out, and spent more time together. and I need to listen.

 

then 3 weeks ago, she closed down again, we approached it, I said to her, and she started advising she was unhappy we are not training together, not getting time for her and her child. and said I expected too much, and also questioned that if I things suddenly started going bad would I walk out - as she was protective over herself and her son........... we went out the following day and had a very loving and nice time.

 

2 Weeks ago, we had a pretty dam good day at the beach. with kids.

 

1 week ago, I was ill she offered to drop supplied in, I advised no, I was too ill.

By the Saturday, I asked if she wanted to do something, she said no at the last minute. but two days prior she was all concerned, and showing alot of love in her txt.

 

I never heard from her the whole weekend, despite a couple of txt - and then I admittedly lost it (for the first time) and asked her what is happening. I didnt think about how she is feeling I was selfish but I had enough of the silent treatment - texts are showing as read but then no response for like a day.....

 

the resultant text was - the relationship was too much pressure etc.

[DontBreakEven]

Jude Dear, people don't change their mind just like that about someone they dated 6 months. While you thought you were experiencing an amazing connection she didn't experience it as intensely as you. It's common to be blinded by our own feelings and not see our partner is second guessing themselves.

 

Completely disagree. OP I had a partner do the same after 6 months. Then kept me on a string for 18 more months. But the first 6 months, it was more intense for HER, trust. She just flipped a switch. It does actually happen, and it's f*cked. Leave her alone. Let her deal with her loss. Trust me.

[DashRiprock]

Completely disagree. OP I had a partner do the same after 6 months. Then kept me on a string for 18 more months. But the first 6 months, it was more intense for HER, trust. She just flipped a switch. It does actually happen, and it's f*cked. Leave her alone. Let her deal with her loss. Trust me.

 

Agreed also. Some people CAN flip a switch. They are also usually chronic multi-daters and often have many relationships overlapping and are rarely completely single. Read= Ludic Lover. They also usually harbor some sort of psychological condition(s) as a result of unhealthy family life or childhood. I am an absolute MAGNET for these types. They're drawn to my strength, charisma, and character and then vanish just as fast without warning. In the interim, they are usually very fun, sexual, and whimsical but a very poor choice for a LTR or marriage. Now, I can sniff them a mile away.

[GemmaUK]

I have been in a couple of dating situations with a couple of clingy guys.

Sounds to me like she did talk to you about it and that you stuck with your own ways instead of just relaxing.

 

It's totally exhausting dating someone who expects so much of your time.

 

I'm afraid this is the end for this lady, she has switched because she just can't cope anymore - also sounds like she has an illness which will require her time and rest & recovery. She needs to make sure she is OK for her child and herself right now.

 

Move on and find someone who likes a lot of attention and can keep it up over a long period of time.

Maybe find some hobbies for yourself too to absorb you - that way you will naturally not need someone's time quite so much.

[jude007]

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, for your advice, as a 40 year old, I literally thought after all the women I have dated, she was the one, everything fitted, kids, our families, and our interests.

 

I got complacent in the respect that I just wanted to zone on her, and try and push something, solidify it, so we were irreplaceable. I don't have many friends as this is her home place, and I moved here 4 years ago. The family I had here cut me off after I left a horrible relationship with my child's mother - she was abusive and violent - but worked in a professional capacity.

 

I take the times we had as fantastic memories, and to be honest I never felt so comfortable, neither did she (she said).

 

But I did this years ago, with a long distance, and it made it worse, by pushing things. I should have learned my lesson. I will say this, I would be very surprised that she has no feelings, especially with the way we were together, but you never can tell.

 

Anyway this morning I have my own hurdle to get over, I developed pneumonia since last week, and I am seriously not well, yes I miss her more than I thought I would, even at this age, but I have to focus on me now.

 

I just hope one day I can find happiness, thats all I want.

 

Thank you all.

[act00]

It sounds like the honeymoon phase, and she probably did have genuine feelings for you, but it sounds like it was very busy, and after the thrill starts to wear off, you realize how exhausting it is. You have your kids every other weekend and probably a couple weekdays, where for her, she has her child 24/7. You have a lot more free time. She had fun, but then reality kicked in. She's tired. She has to care for her son and go to work and make arrangements for him while she's away. She has responsibilities at home that get neglected if she's out with you, and she still has to deal with these things. At some point, something's gotta give. Maybe she realizes she's just not in a place to date and grow a relationship. Maybe she's just no longer into you. It happens and it stinks. Either way, you admit to being a bit pushy. It's possible if you back off and give her some space, you can settle into a less hectic routine, but I would probably just expect the fact that she has outgrown this relationship.

[jude007]

thank you ACT, maybe its taken me to realise it, but you are completely spot on - I messed up.

[Gaeta]

then one week into coming back she got ill, so much so she needs an operation.

She did advise me I was pushing her, and also making her feel smothered. as she had her health and child to look after. We sorted it out, and spent more time together. and I need to listen.

 

then 3 weeks ago, she closed down again, we approached it, I said to her, and she started advising she was unhappy we are not training together, not getting time for her and her child. and said I expected too much, and also questioned that if I things suddenly started going bad would I walk out - as she was protective over herself and her son........... we went out the following day and had a very loving and nice time.

 

2 Weeks ago, we had a pretty dam good day at the beach. with kids.

 

1 week ago, I was ill she offered to drop supplied in, I advised no, I was too ill.

By the Saturday, I asked if she wanted to do something, she said no at the last minute. but two days prior she was all concerned, and showing alot of love in her txt.

 

I never heard from her the whole weekend, despite a couple of txt - and then I admittedly lost it (for the first time) and asked her what is happening. I didnt think about how she is feeling I was selfish but I had enough of the silent treatment - texts are showing as read but then no response for like a day.....

 

the resultant text was - the relationship was too much pressure etc.

 

There are always clues dropped left and right before someone change. I got ghosted on by a man I dated 6 months. I thought we had an amazing relationship and he even told me he was in love with me. He did everything right and when he disappeared without a word after 6 months I was dumbfounded. Then months went by and with the distance I was able to identify all the clues he had given me during our relationship indicating he was on his way out the door. I didn't see them while dating him because I was too in love. Now I remember every time he said yes to me but turning his head to avoid eye contact, now I understand why his friends didn't connect with me - of course they all knew he was leaving the country and I would be left behind in the dust. And the list goes on. Now I see, and in time you will see too all the clues that she was not into this as much as you were.

[jude007]

Well she contacted me first,

 

At first it was how are you? are you better. all pleasant and short.

 

Then before I know it my whole night (i'm still sick) is taking up by her.

 

She blocked me, ranted at me, accused me of preparing for dating websites, because I changed my profile picture on FB, (to my child) and not her.

 

and then didn't respond after that. Suppose it shows she cares, but not sure what she was hoping or wanting to do. I personally think she might be confused......

 

I sent her a final message advising if she wants to talk I am here.......

[jude007]

- you know what thanks again, she has clearly used this as an excuse to 'block me' from her FB.

 

then reiterated the same things tonight.

 

Yet she will go crazy if I move on......

 

One day I will meet a straight up women.