shahjskalio Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 So i've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks now.we see eachother twice a week and he asks to see me. The weird thing is I usually initiates contact with him and after I do that's when he asks me out. I was wondering why he waits for me to initiate? Could it be self esteem issues or he's not that into me? Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:(
Author shahjskalio Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 So i've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks now.we see eachother twice a week and he asks to see me. The weird thing is I usually initiates contact with him and after I do that's when he asks me out. I was wondering why he waits for me to initiate? Could it be self esteem issues or he's not that into me? Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:/ 1
divegrl Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Hi! I'm so sorry you're going thru this! If you think he is having issues with self esteem, plz encourage him to go to counseling. You can be there to support him but don't make excuses for his behavior. I would stop initiating contact. If he is into you, he will step up and pursue you. Men want to lead, let him! Good luck my friend. I sincerely hope it works out! 2
EmilyJane Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Don't stop contact with him to make him pursue you! That is extremely manipulative and also highly likely to backfire. He's asking you out consistently, you're initiating contact consistently, that sounds like pretty equal distribution of dating labour to me. Like you're both going out of your way to be in contact and make occasions to see each other, it's just one of you is doing one and and the other the other. Nothing wrong with it. Please take my advice of not looking for problems to fix while the guy you like is still trying to figure out how to act, it takes time to work out how things work with a new person. You both clearly like each other and are both making the effort, that is more than many adults in long term relationships can say. 4
d0nnivain Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 If you want to be pursued by a man, you have to make it easy for him as you have been doing. He asks after you contact him because you contacting him is a signal to him that if he risks rejection by asking you he won't face rejection because you have indicated that his advances are welcome. It's tough to be the brave one & do that asking. Don't make it harder on a guy who is probably already socially nervous because of his condition. 2
GemmaUK Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I think after a few dates and he has always asked you out then it's time you asked him out - whether you initiated contact or not. Give him something a bit more to go on that you're keen on him. He is likely to be more socially awkward so give him a nudge, ask him out this time. 1
coolheadal Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 So i've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks now.we see eachother twice a week and he asks to see me. The weird thing is I usually initiates contact with him and after I do that's when he asks me out. I was wondering why he waits for me to initiate? Could it be self esteem issues or he's not that into me? Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:/ Well this is interesting. But his syndrome shouldn't impair his judgement to ask you out instead. You should let him do the chasing. You have been doing it for so long. Take a back seat and this way you can see how his interest is with him for you. I must say bravo for accepting him for the person he is not leaving him over his suffering condition. 2
EmilyJane Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Don't try to manipulate him into chasing you. Just don't. That is very old fashioned thinking about how men and women are supposed to act and you will hurt this very nice man you like. Don't hurt and confuse him please. 3
Redhead14 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) So i've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks now.we see eachother twice a week and he asks to see me. The weird thing is I usually initiates contact with him and after I do that's when he asks me out. I was wondering why he waits for me to initiate? Could it be self esteem issues or he's not that into me? Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:/ Why should he? You're doing the work for him. You need to let him do some initiating if he's going to. Sit back a little a let him show you his interest level. Usually, it's best if you let the man lead for the first few dates, then you do some initiating but give the reins back to him, so to speak. When you're doing all the work, especially, early, you don't get to observe his approach, etc. And, if it's not balanced, you're going to be stressing all the time. If he's still hesitant or feeling unconfident about you when you've already shown him how interested you are, there's a problem anyway. Sit back and let him do something. You wait it out . . . and observe. You're chasing him. Let him chase you some. He suffers from tourettes -- if he has esteem issues, do you want to be the one who bolsters all that for him over and over again? Edited April 19, 2017 by Redhead14 3
Telemachus Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 When you initiate contact with someone, it is you and not the other person who wants to be connected. He can decline to acknowledge or respond to your contact. However, when he answers the phone, answers your text, or however you connect, then he's connected with you because he wants to be. That's the reason. It's as simple as that. Instead of initiating in some other way and wondering why he then asks you out, initiate by asking him out. You'll save one step and have no question about how or why it happened that way.
preraph Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 While I agree you doing it all makes it easier for him, you would need to ask yourself if you are sure this is the kind of man you want, who can't initiate and make things happen. Don't expect it to change if this is the way it starts out. You are setting a precedent. But if who you want is someone you take the lead with all the time, then this might be okay for you. 2
Redhead14 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Don't try to manipulate him into chasing you. Just don't. That is very old fashioned thinking about how men and women are supposed to act and you will hurt this very nice man you like. Don't hurt and confuse him please. It's not about manipulating. It's about giving him the opportunity to actively participate in the dating scenario if he really wants to and giving her an opportunity to observe and measure whether he is demonstrating the level of interest she wants/needs and whether or not he is/can meet her early dating needs at least. Right now, she's feeling like he just asks her out to be nice when she calls, so to speak, and perhaps isn't as interested as she is. That's the root problem here. She's shown him enough so that it should be clear to him what her level of interest is by reaching out and accepting dates, so he shouldn't be hesitant and if he is, eh, that's not the kind of guy I'd want to date. This needs to be balanced in order for both parties to have a good sense of interest between them. When it's not balanced, one of the parties is usually uncomfortable about things. On top of this, they need to have a conversation fairly soon about what each of their dating goals are -- dating for a relationship or casual, etc. 1
Shining One Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 This needs to be balanced in order for both parties to have a good sense of interest between them. When it's not balanced, one of the parties is usually uncomfortable about things.I'm curious as to how you would define balanced in this situation. Right now, one person initiates communication and the other person initiates dates. Balanced (to me) would be each person initiating communication and dates roughly 50% of the time. Is that your intention?
Redhead14 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I'm curious as to how you would define balanced in this situation. Right now, one person initiates communication and the other person initiates dates. Balanced (to me) would be each person initiating communication and dates roughly 50% of the time. Is that your intention? It doesn't need to be one for one, but they both need to be participating. When I was dating, I liked the guy, in the very beginning to be initiating say twice and then I would initiate. But over time, it might switch a little and that's fine as long as you each are doing some of the "work".
SevenCity Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 His behavior allows things to progress at your pace. This is a good thing.
preraph Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 I believe his behavior shows some form of reluctance, but that he can't or won't say no when she initiates, which in my experience is a way a person can divest themself of responsibility. On some level, it's "Well, SHE's the one who wanted to do this. I am who I am and I'm not going to change." 1
alphamale Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:/ does he like swear at you and stuff?
TheTraveler Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Maybe he's a follower of Corey Wayne? Lol I'd love to see you, when are you free to get together?
Teknoe Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I'd love to see you, when are you free to get together? Have fun, hang out, hook up
Phoenician Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Don't try to manipulate him into chasing you. Just don't. That is very old fashioned thinking about how men and women are supposed to act and you will hurt this very nice man you like. Don't hurt and confuse him please. Take this advise from Emily , she seems to be a great woman , lucky the bastard who have her heart
Knix Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 I think he's just insecure. You should let him know in a joking way like "hey you could contact me sometimes ya know!" something like that.... just to keep it easy going but also let him know that he needs to make an effort.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 So i've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks now.we see eachother twice a week and he asks to see me. The weird thing is I usually initiates contact with him and after I do that's when he asks me out. I was wondering why he waits for me to initiate? Could it be self esteem issues or he's not that into me? Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:( Oh, yeah, likely confidence. You've only been on 4 dates, so this is not really a problem. And you do use the word 'usually', so he does sometimes initiate, right?
whatnot Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 (edited) So i've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks now.we see eachother twice a week and he asks to see me. The weird thing is I usually initiates contact with him and after I do that's when he asks me out. I was wondering why he waits for me to initiate? Could it be self esteem issues or he's not that into me? Btw he also suffers from tourettes syndrome:( Ask him. (and don't make it a multiple choice question) Don't throw out possibilities for him to choose from. Just a simple, open ended question. "Why don't you initiate contact with me?" ps...if there's silence....it might be hard for you to keep your mouth shut if you feel you've put him on the spot. If you feel the urge to "help him out"....fight that urge. Edited April 24, 2017 by whatnot
Recommended Posts