Techmonkey Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 So I'm in my mid-forties. Recently split from a very toxic relationship with a bipolar alcoholic. She actually dumped me at the end because I moved out after she attacked me verbally and physically. She felt I "abandoned" her. Stupid as it is, I love her and miss her pretty badly. I've asked her a few times to not contact me unless necessary. Every few days I hear from her despite that. She'll elude to maybe trying again and then change her mind, or she'll tell me how her guy friend professed his love for her now that I'm gone, or (even better) tell me how all her friends agree how screwed up I am. This **** tears me apart. She feel pretty strongly that we should be able to flip a switch to just friends and do the fun stuff we used to do, minus the romance. I disagree. I hit my limit today by telling her very firmly that I can't keep dealing with her and that she needs to leave me alone. I let her know I was blocking all means of communication (Cell phone block, Facebook, text, etc.) except e-mail. She thinks this is very immature for a man my age and a further sign of how screwed up I am. I think I'm being pretty level and fair. Thoughts? 2
Blanco Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 I wouldn't be taking cues on what is healthy/mature from someone who is a drunk and bipolar. 10
Redhead14 Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 The No Contact "rule" is all about taking care of YOU and giving yourself the focused ability to move forward with your life without that person in it . . . PERIOD. 4
whatnot Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) this woman is poison. NC with poison is immature only if you believe it's ok to play with poison. Edited April 18, 2017 by whatnot 1
DKT3 Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 The way you've told your story you seems to be Mr available for her. Of course she thinks it's immature, but keep in mind this is a woman who is playing games by telling you how many more options she has and how messed up her friends think you are. Yet wanting to ignore her is immature? Cut ties, I just have a feeling this may require some restraining orders or a really mean Chihuahua.... 2
BC1980 Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 It sounds like she is the one who is immature. She dumped you but still contacts you to tell you that she and her friends think you are screwed up. Who in the world does that? I'd block her ASAP. Sounds like she has done a number on you, but you can't see it right now. You will see it in time. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 It sounds like the sanest most mature thing you have done. You need her toxicity out of your life. Self preservation is hardly immature. Let her think what she wants. Celebrate her absence from your life. Do take time to heal because you said you loved her. Figure out why you were so attracted to such a broken person & try not to repeat that mistake in your next relationship. 4
Ronni_W Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 She thinks this is very immature for a man my age and a further sign of how screwed up I am. I think I'm being pretty level and fair. Thoughts? She is trying to manipulate and control you through accusing you of something of which you are not actually guilty, with the hope that you will react out of some sense of injustice and of being wrongly perceived and unfairly accused. It's just a way of keeping your psychologically and psychically tied into her drama, and to keep getting your time, Energy and attention. You can either submit to this manipulation or choose to rise above it and just carry on with creating your best life possible. You know what to do, yes? . 3
spiderowl Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 What does it matter what she wants if she messed you about and treated you like that? You are split up so she does not have access to you - it's straightforward really. I can imagine how upsetting it is to have her provoking you like this. I think it would help you greatly if you can block her on every front. Unfortunately, with someone determined to be provocative, they will probably find a way, but at least you can protect yourself as best you can until then. 2
breadbin Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 She has bipolar disorder. If you care about her you'll tread very carefully. Don't compare her behaviour with that of the majority of women out there. It's like apples and oranges. I think you did well so far and keep a line open like the email - good idea. It will be a bumpy ride but you should be used to that. Try not to take anything to heart. 1
spiderowl Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 She has bipolar disorder. If you care about her you'll tread very carefully. Don't compare her behaviour with that of the majority of women out there. It's like apples and oranges. I think you did well so far and keep a line open like the email - good idea. It will be a bumpy ride but you should be used to that. Try not to take anything to heart. While I agree that she needs to be considered differently to someone who does not have bipolar, she has bipolar AND is an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic alone is enough for someone to extricate themselves from a relationship. I cannot see any good coming from remaining with her. He could point her to a source of help, if he feels it necessary, and then go no contact. She is not his responsibility. 1
rester Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I think you're being pretty level and fair although I'd block her email, too. She is calling you immature to manipulate you into giving her undeserved attention. Don't engage. 2
fromheart Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 She is abusive and dangerous. How is she earning your love exactly? Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, someone who hits you isn't deserving of romantic love. You're experiencing the addiction of being abused, the abused sometimes has an addiction to abuse. Please get far away from her and reflect on this. 1
Author Techmonkey Posted April 21, 2017 Author Posted April 21, 2017 She is abusive and dangerous. How is she earning your love exactly? Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, someone who hits you isn't deserving of romantic love. You're experiencing the addiction of being abused, the abused sometimes has an addiction to abuse. Please get far away from her and reflect on this. I agree 100%. The craving I feel for her isn't healthy. It's not sex. It's just wanting be acknowledged by her. It has that rotten feeling of craving a cigarette when I quit smoking. Bad ****. Not gong back. 1
Author Techmonkey Posted April 21, 2017 Author Posted April 21, 2017 As a footnote to this, she can't seem to go more than three days without bothering me because I'm being rude, cruel, mean, etc by ignoring her. She'll text or call consistently within three days because I've shut her out. Finally I told her that I'm done asking. I blocked her text/phone/e-mail and left no way of communicating to me except through someone else. I thought it was a done deal. Then I get an e-mail from her from a different account. She's terribly hurt because she found a vitriolic song I was writing about her online that I posted for a short window of time to get feedback on the music and she feel like killing herself over it. How the ****???? I called her. Turns out she's been logging into my facebook since I left to track who I'm dating, what I'm doing, etc. I had to laugh at the irony of her being hurt over a hateful song about her that she only found because she was being a sneaky **** head. I changed my passwords and moved on, but it was pretty annoying. The other thing that bothers me is not that she was really upset over the song, but that I had posted it in a public forum where the 2-3 people who listened to it that will never meet her (different continent) might think badly of her. She is weirdly obsessive that everyone must think well of her. No matter who they are. I just don't get that kind of thinking. If you're curious, here's the partial song she listened to. https://hearthis.at/ykh3cgw2/escape-velocity/#mastering
OatsAndHall Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Cutting off contact isn't a "rule" in this case; it's a necessity. I wouldn't keep in contact with an ex who berated me and tried to manipulate me. People just don't seem to understand that there are things you say that you cannot take back. Hence, no contact. 3
Author Techmonkey Posted April 21, 2017 Author Posted April 21, 2017 While I agree that she needs to be considered differently to someone who does not have bipolar, she has bipolar AND is an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic alone is enough for someone to extricate themselves from a relationship. I cannot see any good coming from remaining with her. He could point her to a source of help, if he feels it necessary, and then go no contact. She is not his responsibility. Not my responsibility at all. I spent the last two years living with someone alternating between bitter, morose, and wanting to die and being a selfish little princess who deserves only the best. Now that I'm not paying all the bills and giving her work she is going to fail. She never worked on her resume because she felt I'd get mad at her (?). I've been gone for a month and when I do talk to her she still hasn't done it. She fritters away her days one by one. Always going to do the important stuff tomorrow. When I talked to her yesterday she got angry because I asked about her resume. I said "You could sit down and do it now. It only takes an hour or so.", but no. She had to get ready to go to World of Whiskey. She thinks that four weeks (before she has to move because the lease is up) is enough time to do her resume, find a job for $60-70K (easy because she's pretty and very smart, or so she says) and find an apartment. She's either going to go home to mom, where she says she'll kill herself, or shack up with one of her guy friends that "I worried about when there was nothing there" who have professed their love to her now that I'm gone. If she does kill herself, not my fault. All she does is drink, hide, and feel indignant. Sorry to vent, but that give a pretty good idea of why I don't want that responsibility anymore. I just want to her not exist in my universe while I get over my addiction to her.
OatsAndHall Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Not my responsibility at all. I spent the last two years living with someone alternating between bitter, morose, and wanting to die and being a selfish little princess who deserves only the best. Now that I'm not paying all the bills and giving her work she is going to fail. She never worked on her resume because she felt I'd get mad at her (?). I've been gone for a month and when I do talk to her she still hasn't done it. She fritters away her days one by one. Always going to do the important stuff tomorrow. When I talked to her yesterday she got angry because I asked about her resume. I said "You could sit down and do it now. It only takes an hour or so.", but no. She had to get ready to go to World of Whiskey. She thinks that four weeks (before she has to move because the lease is up) is enough time to do her resume, find a job for $60-70K (easy because she's pretty and very smart, or so she says) and find an apartment. She's either going to go home to mom, where she says she'll kill herself, or shack up with one of her guy friends that "I worried about when there was nothing there" who have professed their love to her now that I'm gone. If she does kill herself, not my fault. All she does is drink, hide, and feel indignant. Sorry to vent, but that give a pretty good idea of why I don't want that responsibility anymore. I just want to her not exist in my universe while I get over my addiction to her. I understand where you're coming from. My ex-wife has a multitude of emotional issues along with MS. But, she refused to take care of herself, even though she was constantly dealing with the symptoms of MS. When we first met, she drank pretty consistently and it bugged the hell out of me. First of all, you don't drink when you're taking muscle relaxants and pain killers, that's just a given. Secondly, just a few drinks would stress her body enough to cause MS issues. We were just friends at first but, when we started talking about dating, I made it really clear that I wasn't going to get involved with her romantically if she wasn't going to take care of herself. She agreed but she'd push my boundaries by bringing it up here and there.. "I really miss having a glass of whine.." "I don't miss sitting with you in the hospital while they pump you full of drugs to slow down the MS." A few weeks before we split, she went out and got sh-t faced drunk and was laid up for a week. That was just another nail in the coffin for me. I had a friend bring up her MS during the separation and I told him that the consequences of her behaviors were no longer mine to deal with. She tried to manipulate me by throwing the MS in my face during the separation and I told her the same thing. Go ahead and live life to the fullest. Until it puts you in a wheel chair. (All apologies for the rant.. Had to deal with her again today..)
Author Techmonkey Posted April 22, 2017 Author Posted April 22, 2017 I understand where you're coming from. My ex-wife has a multitude of emotional issues along with MS. But, she refused to take care of herself, even though she was constantly dealing with the symptoms of MS. When we first met, she drank pretty consistently and it bugged the hell out of me. First of all, you don't drink when you're taking muscle relaxants and pain killers, that's just a given. Secondly, just a few drinks would stress her body enough to cause MS issues. We were just friends at first but, when we started talking about dating, I made it really clear that I wasn't going to get involved with her romantically if she wasn't going to take care of herself. She agreed but she'd push my boundaries by bringing it up here and there.. "I really miss having a glass of whine.." "I don't miss sitting with you in the hospital while they pump you full of drugs to slow down the MS." A few weeks before we split, she went out and got sh-t faced drunk and was laid up for a week. That was just another nail in the coffin for me. I had a friend bring up her MS during the separation and I told him that the consequences of her behaviors were no longer mine to deal with. She tried to manipulate me by throwing the MS in my face during the separation and I told her the same thing. Go ahead and live life to the fullest. Until it puts you in a wheel chair. (All apologies for the rant.. Had to deal with her again today..) No apologies needed. I'm sorry you're still dealing with it. It's a tough choice to make and it's regretful that you (and I) had to make a choice that potentially "abandons" someone we care about, but if you don't detach from someone who won't take care of themselves they will drag you down with them. The sad part is I'm guessing both will be very angry and blaming the world when they reap what they sow.
Author Techmonkey Posted April 26, 2017 Author Posted April 26, 2017 I just figured I'd vomit my temptations to contact her here. I'm at my parents house where we'd stay during the winter because it was way nicer than our crappy run down apartment and my parents were away. I chose to come here to face down her ghost and reclaim this space from the former "we". It's tougher than I thought. We were last here early March and there are still all these little signs she was here. I'm a grown man and I keep crying. Her pillow smells like her. I keep trying to remind myself how the last year was nothing but angry resentment on both parts, no sex for months at a time, worrying about how much she drank... The closest thing to happy memories were just being able to behave like a normal couple having an average day once in a great while. But I miss her so much right now. I could call her. She thinks the no contact thing is childish and selfish. She'd pick up the phone. I won't give in, but her absence here is so pronounced and difficult to deal with. If I can just make it through tonight and sleep in "our" bed, it gets easier from here and she becomes a smaller part of this place where we spent so much time together. I wonder how much of what I'm feeling is some sort of PTSD...
Recommended Posts