confusedsperm Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 I have been dating a guy, a divorcee with two children, for 4 years now. We have an apartment where we meet because we can't meet at his home (it doesn't set a good example to his kids) . He pays the rent for the place. My boyfriend and I connect on a lot of things and it is a joy spending time with him. But few things have been bothering me. His own house is like a mansion and he has spared no expense when it comes to doing it up. He keeps picking up things for his home and his kids' rooms. But he has chosen to neglect our apartment completely. His reasoning is that there is no point in doing anything since the place is a rental. Whatever bare minimum furniture we have, like a mirror or shelves, are things I've bought. We've had arguments about this before and his contention has been that the person I share the place with should matter more than the things in the place. I've reconciled to this argument. We go out for the occasional movie and lunch dates. But other than that he never plans any outings and asks me to plan something all the time. So much so that even on birthdays, I don't get flowers or gifts. I always plan gifts to him, and he loves the attention and the thought I put into them but he never returns the gesture. I don't like to compare but he recently bought really expensive phones for his children and is spending a fortune on their education overseas. But all I got for my birthday was a bottle of cheap wine, that too after a few days when he sensed that I was unhappy about not getting a gift. He keeps making promises of gifts that never see the light of the day and excuses that he is low on money right now but someday he will make up for it. I mean he is free to spend on his children and his home, I don't grudge him that. But after all this time, I expected better, at least some thought to be directed towards me too. Am I being unrealistic and immature here? Or Should I be taking a long hard look at my relationship and accept that I had waited enough, breakup and move on?
Sloppyseconds Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 Personally I take issue with the opening here...4 years of dating but you still cannot go to his home? Surely after 4 years his kids must be adjusted to the fact that their parents are not together. He is willing to pay good money for a secret spot, does not plan much in the way of time together with you, and you feel less than special on special occasions, yet he is spoiled for his own. You say you're dating. Are you exclusive? Does he tell people about you? Have you met his friends or family? I see a lot of red flags with 4 years of being kept a secret. You say it would not set the right tone for his kids, but you say they go to school overseas, so what truly is his issue here. How often do you see him? Not to put doubts in your head, but is it possible the apartment is not only used by the two of you? Do you have free access? Could he be seeing more than just you? I wonder if he is simply afraid to announce another committed relationship in fear of losing things should it end, but if that were the case he should not need a secret apartment and he should be showing better treatment toward someone he is going through such lengths to be with. A lot of things here ring alarm bells for me.
Author confusedsperm Posted April 18, 2017 Author Posted April 18, 2017 We are exclusive and I do have free access to the apartment. I have no reason to believe he is cheating on me. Afraid of commitment, yes, I suppose so, because he has been burned before. But right from the start, I've never really been too demanding. I was just happy to be with him. Even the apartment was his idea. The overseas education happened only recently. That's when I started wondering why there was a different set of rules when it came to me and our apartment. Why even the simplest of things that I ask for, receives Ok as an answer but is then conveniently forgotten. Or how the minute he sees something beautiful he just has to buy it for his home. As I got to know more about his 'family' and the home he shares with the kids, I realised I'd been getting the short end of the stick. And somehow the apartment that seemed to be our special world now seems just like a cheap convenient getaway instead of expensive hotels. Really don't know what to do. On one hand my mind tells me I should not be materialistic and should look at how he treats me otherwise. But somewhere my heart tells me that if I mattered, he would make some effort or understand that sometimes I need to be treated special too.
Sloppyseconds Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 Do you also have your own place? If so why the need for the apartment? Would it be possible to get rid of it and continue things as normal? Would that ease his financial reasoning? Why not suggest that he lead for a bit in deciding a few excursions or activities. See what that does. Could it be he is stressing with work issues and just has no energy left at the moment? I am just trying to find reasons tonlogically support his actions. Material things are not my concern, it is the secrecy and respect side of things that raises my eyebrow. 4 years is a sufficient amount of time for him to either ***** or get off the pot in trusting you won't burn him. Speaking from past experiencenin getting burned, it hurts yes, but you can't hold it against a new person forever, he has to learn trust if that is his concern.
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