More like best friends than lovers

[Superman2024]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 months now and I feel like I love her and she’s a super sweet girl, but it bothers me that I’m only mildly attracted to her and often feel like we’re more like best friends than lovers. We get along really well and have many of the same interests and are on the same page with nearly all of the most important things (family, religion, values, etc.). We both have nearly the same personality type (introverted), though this can make having deep, long conversations difficult since neither one of us are very talkative or express our emotions easily. We always talk about important stuff in person and never through texting though. We get along with each other’s families great which is always a plus. These 5 months have felt like so much longer, in a good way, since we see each other three times a week and both take the relationship seriously. She’s head over heels for me and I doubt I’d ever find a better match on a personal level.

 

It’s the physical part that I’m mainly concerned with though. She’s cute and I think she has nice hair and a decent body, but she isn’t very good at being girly or sexy. She doesn’t wear makeup or perfume, dresses conservative, doesn’t wear sexy underwear, doesn’t shower daily (would like her to at least always on days I see her), burps an unusual amount, doesn’t want to shave down there because she says it itches if she does (she keeps it somewhat trimmed but it’s still a turn off for me), and she doesn’t exercise at all like I try to do in order to stay in good shape. Something else that bothers me some is she has genital herpes (HSV-1) so we’ve never had sex since I don’t want to catch it. We get each other off with our hands as the next best thing. When we go out, I always notice girls who I think are more attractive and beautiful. I’ve never really thought of her as hot or lusted for her. It’s more like a mild attraction which concerns me. About three years ago she nearly got married, but her longtime boyfriend/fiancé backed out of the wedding because he had fallen out of love with her. She thought it was due to them living together and having sex before getting married, but I wonder if this was an attraction problem too since they were eventually not even sleeping in the same bed.

 

Another issue I have with her, though less important, is that I sometimes feel taken advantage of because I literally pay for everything and do 100% of the driving when we go out. She’ll sometimes thank me for buying a meal or taking her somewhere, but she never offers to pay or drive even when having a movie date at my house. She has bought me little gifts on occasion but it’s nothing compared to what I spend on her. I’ll be taking her to Florida for a week coming up and paying her way. I just think it would be nice if she’d at least offer to cook sometimes so we don’t eat out so much. We’ve cooked for each other once, but it’s really not my thing and she’s better at it. There’s a huge income gap with me being in much better shape financially, but she does work full time. She lives with her parents and mostly relies on her dad to cook for her.

 

I know it’d devastate her if I ended things and I’d certainly be very sad for a while, but I’m thinking about how this would work long term since I doubt my attraction for her is going to change. It’s not easy for me to meet new dating prospects with my personality type and with me being in a rural area, so that makes me worry about finding a better match if I don’t continue with this relationship. She’s 26 and I’m 32 but this is only my second serious relationship (the longest as well) and I haven’t dealt with this situation before. I’m just trying to figure out what to do in this dilemma and am struggling with what direction to go since she does have many wonderful qualities. As an alternative to breaking up, does it ever make sense to take a pause on a relationship to reassess things and see other people for a while? I know this is long, but thanks to whoever reads it and can offer me some good advice!

[emsx0x]

So why are you with her if you don't even like her? Set her free and let her find someone who doesn't want to change everything about her like you do.

[sandrawg]

I agree. You'd be doing the both of you a big favor.

[Titanll]

You don't really sound like best friends either. What's a pause in a relationship? You check out some other chicks and if you don't find anyone, you slide right back to girl one?

 

Just break it off and choose more wisely in the future concerning relationships. You knew what she looked like from day one and you decided to have a relationship with her. No human is obligated to another but at least be honest. If you are only dating out of loneliness or some other reason than the potential for love then you need to make that clear so at least the other person can make a decision based on your honest feelings.

[smackie9]

You couldn't have figured this out after the 3rd date? You just wasted her time....shame on you.

[mikeylo]

Karma can be bad , dude !

[SunnySide0418]

I'm curious how you know she doesn't shower when she sees you? That is just gross and lazy.

[healing light]

I'm with the others. This spells long-term disaster. Chemistry is something you can't fake. This will likely only wane over time. If you don't feel safe to have protected sex, don't feel like this will change for you, and aren't very attracted to her to begin with, you are also setting the stage for a lifetime without much intimacy and a lot of temptation. Don't settle; you both deserve to have someone that you're into who is attracted to you, as well. I tend to believe that chemistry and being IN love with someone is what delineates a best friend from a partner.

[EmilyJane]

She doesn't shower and has herpes

 

Posts like this make me realise why finding guys to date used to be so easy, it's a very small murky pool

 

Leave. Just leave.

 

You do not have to make every relationship or date work. There is always another.

[coolheadal]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 months now and I feel like I love her and she’s a super sweet girl, but it bothers me that I’m only mildly attracted to her and often feel like we’re more like best friends than lovers. We get along really well and have many of the same interests and are on the same page with nearly all of the most important things (family, religion, values, etc.). We both have nearly the same personality type (introverted), though this can make having deep, long conversations difficult since neither one of us are very talkative or express our emotions easily. We always talk about important stuff in person and never through texting though. We get along with each other’s families great which is always a plus. These 5 months have felt like so much longer, in a good way, since we see each other three times a week and both take the relationship seriously. She’s head over heels for me and I doubt I’d ever find a better match on a personal level.

 

It’s the physical part that I’m mainly concerned with though. She’s cute and I think she has nice hair and a decent body, but she isn’t very good at being girly or sexy. She doesn’t wear makeup or perfume, dresses conservative, doesn’t wear sexy underwear, doesn’t shower daily (would like her to at least always on days I see her), burps an unusual amount, doesn’t want to shave down there because she says it itches if she does (she keeps it somewhat trimmed but it’s still a turn off for me), and she doesn’t exercise at all like I try to do in order to stay in good shape. Something else that bothers me some is she has genital herpes (HSV-1) so we’ve never had sex since I don’t want to catch it. We get each other off with our hands as the next best thing. When we go out, I always notice girls who I think are more attractive and beautiful. I’ve never really thought of her as hot or lusted for her. It’s more like a mild attraction which concerns me. About three years ago she nearly got married, but her longtime boyfriend/fiancé backed out of the wedding because he had fallen out of love with her. She thought it was due to them living together and having sex before getting married, but I wonder if this was an attraction problem too since they were eventually not even sleeping in the same bed.

 

Another issue I have with her, though less important, is that I sometimes feel taken advantage of because I literally pay for everything and do 100% of the driving when we go out. She’ll sometimes thank me for buying a meal or taking her somewhere, but she never offers to pay or drive even when having a movie date at my house. She has bought me little gifts on occasion but it’s nothing compared to what I spend on her. I’ll be taking her to Florida for a week coming up and paying her way. I just think it would be nice if she’d at least offer to cook sometimes so we don’t eat out so much. We’ve cooked for each other once, but it’s really not my thing and she’s better at it. There’s a huge income gap with me being in much better shape financially, but she does work full time. She lives with her parents and mostly relies on her dad to cook for her.

 

I know it’d devastate her if I ended things and I’d certainly be very sad for a while, but I’m thinking about how this would work long term since I doubt my attraction for her is going to change. It’s not easy for me to meet new dating prospects with my personality type and with me being in a rural area, so that makes me worry about finding a better match if I don’t continue with this relationship. She’s 26 and I’m 32 but this is only my second serious relationship (the longest as well) and I haven’t dealt with this situation before. I’m just trying to figure out what to do in this dilemma and am struggling with what direction to go since she does have many wonderful qualities. As an alternative to breaking up, does it ever make sense to take a pause on a relationship to reassess things and see other people for a while? I know this is long, but thanks to whoever reads it and can offer me some good advice!

 

I have woman like this myself it's hard to part ways because she's everything I ever wanted but she has things I don't like and thinking is off the deep end. I am more health conscious, she's not, that drives me up the wall I can help her get to the point where I am now. Your doing what I do and you won't let go, nor should you let go. You gave up sex because of her STD situation. A lot of what you said I've been there too. But what I've learned and I can share that with you is that you care a lot about her but, you tolerate her hygiene and the way she comes across because deep down inside you love her. If there wasn't any love you wouldn't have stuck around too long. We guys do so much and yet don't realize that what you really is right there for you. So she's not 100% what you deem the right woman for you but she has a lot of good points. You spend your money on her because you can and if you don't do it then what? Your taking her on trip you don't have to do but you want her along because why? BECAUSE YOU TWO GET ALONG"

 

So many break-ups and yet no one knows why the why is they DO NOT GET ALONG" but you two do. Enjoy what you have your have 26 old woman and your in your 30's.. The option here is to keep her as a friend-zone gal friend only and go look for another woman to be with, have sex and love with instead. Only you can choose what you want. We all here can share our thoughts but in the end it's all down to you my friend. I say keep what you got , because you have invested all your time, love, money an etc into her. You leave you kill everything you have worked for with her. Again no one is perfect we all have some issues to deal with.

[berry1]

You are stringing the woman along.

 

You say that your scared to end it because you live in a rural area and might not find anyone else. That is not fair on the woman, if you truly liked or loved her you would not even think this way for a second.

 

Sooner or later you will find someone who sparks your attraction more and this girl will get shoved to one side. You really should not keep her on the side just because you are worried that you wont find anyone else.

 

The one who is most financially stable should be the one going out of there way to pay the extra on the dates in my opinion. If you are in higher paid work you should be paying for the majority of the expensive outings. Yes she should offer to pay for some things though i do agree on that one and it would also put me off a woman if they did not.

 

Everyone sees things differently on who should pay on dates though my personal values are of the old style. I like to provide for a woman and choose to pay for just about everything with the girl i am dating. But she does always offer to pay which again is definitely a quality that you want!

 

You often get called shallow if you base who you date on looks. But its not true at all as attraction is a extremely important part of every relationship and if we are all honest its the first thing you notice and judge on when meeting a new date. I dated a Muslim girl who i was not very attracted to. And i thought to myself why are you dating this girl? you are doing it because you are lonely and don't think you can get anyone who meets your attraction preferences. So i ended the dating and stopped seeing her. I knew it could have been something very special because we clicked so well but it just does not work if you feel the need to look at other womens legs when you go out together. I am now dating a girl who is perfect to me in every way. Its harder because i have to do long drives as its kind of long distance. But its worth it to find someone you want. So if you live in a rural area you do not have to be limited to that area for finding partners especially not the right someone.

Edited April 19, 2017 by berry1

[JuneJulySeptember]

Your second paragraph and the genital herpes part is a little weird.

 

Other than that, I think it's pretty normal.

 

Lots of couples stay together and get married when there's compatibility issues here and there. Some stay together forever and some get divorced.

 

But yeah. Guys marrying women who they get along very well with on a personal level and find 'cute but not I want to ravage attractive'?

 

Very common...

 

It's also not 'stringing somebody along'. Two people who enjoy each other's time are enjoying life's adventures together. Lots of people get married, and even have kids, and get divorced all the time, and they were not 'stringing each other along' and 'wasting each other's time'.

 

It's called living life.

 

If you are the person who knows exactly what you want in life and has a strict timeline of when you want it, then give your mate an ultimatum to marry you or dump you.

Edited April 19, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[berry1]

Your second paragraph and the genital herpes part is a little weird.

 

Other than that, I think it's pretty normal.

 

Lots of couples stay together and get married when there's compatibility issues here and there. Some stay together forever and some get divorced.

 

But yeah. Guys marrying women who they get along very well with on a personal level and find 'cute but not I want to ravage attractive'?

 

Very common...

 

It's also not 'stringing somebody along'. Two people who enjoy each other's time are enjoying life's adventures together. Lots of people get married, and even have kids, and get divorced all the time, and they were not 'stringing each other along' and 'wasting each other's time'.

 

It's called living life.

 

From his first post all that really comes to mind is that his main reason for not breaking up with her is that hes scared he wi not find anyone else as he is in a rural area.

 

That in my opinion is stringing someone along.

 

Its inevitable that he will come across someone more attractive in his local area eventually. And if his main reason for staying sith this woman is that he believes he wont find anyone else locally then what happens when he does?

 

You need a good reason to be in a relationship and fear of being lonely is not one of them. Just my opinion of course

[JuneJulySeptember]

From his first post all that really comes to mind is that his main reason for not breaking up with her is that hes scared he wi not find anyone else as he is in a rural area.

 

That in my opinion is stringing someone along.

 

Its inevitable that he will come across someone more attractive in his local area eventually. And if his main reason for staying sith this woman is that he believes he wont find anyone else locally then what happens when he does?

 

You need a good reason to be in a relationship and fear of being lonely is not one of them. Just my opinion of course

 

He said he loves her and she's a super sweet girl.

 

Most people, myself included, have a hypothetical idea of a perfect mate and based on that, pick apart the person they are dating.

 

Well, that hypothetical person will probably never come. Can he get closer? Maybe.

 

He can compare this woman to the women he's dated before and do a checks and balances. "Well this woman I dated when I was 24 was a stone cold fox and got me hard as a rock, but man was she a beeeotch, etc, etc."

 

Or keep holding out. That's his choice.

 

But under no circumstances do I feel that two people dating who enjoy each other's company to be 'wasting each other's time'.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I know it’d devastate her if I ended things and I’d certainly be very sad for a while, but I’m thinking about how this would work long term since I doubt my attraction for her is going to change. It’s not easy for me to meet new dating prospects with my personality type and with me being in a rural area, so that makes me worry about finding a better match if I don’t continue with this relationship. She’s 26 and I’m 32 but this is only my second serious relationship (the longest as well) and I haven’t dealt with this situation before. I’m just trying to figure out what to do in this dilemma and am struggling with what direction to go since she does have many wonderful qualities. As an alternative to breaking up, does it ever make sense to take a pause on a relationship to reassess things and see other people for a while? I know this is long, but thanks to whoever reads it and can offer me some good advice!

 

It's pretty tricky I agree. Because if you let her go, she's probably gone forever.

 

Sometimes these things work themselves out on their own. She probably has some reservations too. You'd be surprised.

 

It's a also a little different for men. We're not presented with 100 different options that we can pare down and cut (though that comes with its own downfalls) so I know how you feel that you want to hold on to her.

 

At the end of the day, life is about making decisions like this one. You'll never know how it's going to turn out. You have to go with your gut or cold hard logic and pick a road.

Edited April 19, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[Superman2024]

I really do love and care for her a lot which is why this is one of the most difficult decisions of my life. We do get along extremely well and like I said she has a ton of wonderful qualities. When I first met her I thought she was cute and attractive enough to pursue things with, especially since we got along so well. I was hoping the attraction would build over time as we got more physical (which we took slow), but unfortunately the opposite has happened. I didn't find out about the herpes thing until we were already saying "I love you's". I told her it wasn't a deal breaker or anything, but deep down it still bothers me some.

 

As far as the shower thing, she told me she doesn't shower everyday because her hair is thick and difficult to deal with. I personally notice sometimes when I'm kissing her neck or after I've fingered her. It's something she could change but that would be a terribly awkward conversation!

 

The main reason breaking up would be so difficult for me at this point is because I really care for her. I could probably find someone who's more attractive but what are the chances I'd get along with that woman as well? I think I'll see how I feel about things after spending a week straight with her on this upcoming trip. If I still have the same feelings I'll have a tough decision to make.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I really do love and care for her a lot which is why this is one of the most difficult decisions of my life. We do get along extremely well and like I said she has a ton of wonderful qualities. When I first met her I thought she was cute and attractive enough to pursue things with, especially since we got along so well. I was hoping the attraction would build over time as we got more physical (which we took slow), but unfortunately the opposite has happened. I didn't find out about the herpes thing until we were already saying "I love you's". I told her it wasn't a deal breaker or anything, but deep down it still bothers me some.

 

As far as the shower thing, she told me she doesn't shower everyday because her hair is thick and difficult to deal with. I personally notice sometimes when I'm kissing her neck or after I've fingered her. It's something she could change but that would be a terribly awkward conversation!

 

The main reason breaking up would be so difficult for me at this point is because I really care for her. I could probably find someone who's more attractive but what are the chances I'd get along with that woman as well? I think I'll see how I feel about things after spending a week straight with her on this upcoming trip. If I still have the same feelings I'll have a tough decision to make.

 

Only you can decide.

 

Nothing is guaranteed or meant to be in life. One of my friends has a mother who married a total F_UP (my friends father). He left the family when he was too incompetent to take care of himself, let alone others. So, the mom raised the kids on her own.

 

Fast forward a few decades, and the daughter is in the states, doing quite well for herself, the mom lives with her and her husband, and takes care of the granddaughter. She never remarried and doesn't care.

 

Most people on this forum (from wealthy, english speaking countries) would rather kill themselves than imagine a life like that. But everybody has their own path.

Edited April 19, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember