Dating a Single Mom

[DashRiprock]

I’ve been dating a girl, “Nikki,” for a few weeks now. I’ve planned some great dates (theatre, dinner, and scary movie night to name a few) and really make sure she has a great time. I’m naturally quite outgoing and have a great sense of humor (some might say cocky and funny) so I can generally keep things flowing quite well while keeping things light, interesting, and fun. She’s 41 and I’m 51.

 

Here’s my challenge. I’m generally a guy who doesn’t “show all his cards” so to speak as I want to maintain some intrigue and mystery. But, the second I saw this girl, my heart dropped. I mean I was fricking smitten. This NEVER happens—and I’ve dated quite a few lookers. She’s certainly not a super model and some would say she’s kind of a Plain Jane. But, there’s *something* there I cannot put my finger on. I mean I’m keeping it cool, one date a week, maybe a couple of texts and a phone call between dates. But inside, I really want to see her more. We’ve had 4 dates with a 5th coming up.

 

She’s also a single mom. She has 12 and 14-year-old girls. The father is in the picture and by her account he is a good dad. They alternate weeks with custody of the kids. He seems to live close by. She’s come over while leaving them alone so I assume they’re quite responsible. She was married for maybe 16 years, separated for one, and divorced for one. I have no problem dealing with this arrangement. She seems worth it. She works full time after being a stay at home mom for many years. Really strong work ethic. I admire her strength and character.

 

I need some advice on dating a single mom. I’ve dated single moms before but it’s been a long time. I’ve read some blogs and garnered some advice that way but want to throw this out to the community too.

 

I ended a 9-year relationship about a year ago. I’ve dated a lot since then and met some great people but nothing much has materialized. I know it's very early, but I don’t want to screw this up. I’m mean I’m really into this girl unlike anything in a long time. I’m doing my best to be the duck, cruising across the pond as smooth as glass but paddling like hell underneath, lol.

 

Any advice welcome.

[happyonislands]

That is great! It sounds like she’s a special lady. I believe communication is key. How does she feel about you? Follow your heart, but also keep an eye out for other signs such as moving too fast. Women tend to be turn away by aggression.

I am so happy for you. Good luck! I wish you all the best.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I have dated a single mom before.

 

I don't think there's too much advice to be given until things progress to the doorstep of being serious.

 

One thing I can think of is try not to get too involved with 'This is the way you should raise your kids, or this is what you should do with your kids in this situation."

 

It will be difficult NOT to do that since a single mom with teenage daughters will be talking about her daughters ALL OF THE TIME and it's only natural to respond with your opinion. But try not to have too much of an opinion on important things.

 

I said something to that effect regarding an important subject with one of my exes daughters and she didn't appreciate it too much.

Edited April 19, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[mikeylo]

Don't play games. Meet the kids only when you have established a good mutual relationship with her first.

 

If you want to see her more, do it.

 

You have kids of your own ?

[Telemachus]

There is no "advice on dating a single mom" from someone who doesn't know her (LS community other than you) that will be of any use in dating this particular divorced mom. Your posting about your relationship with her and others recently describes a playbook or formula approach. It seems a bit contrived and calculated to me.

 

Treat her as an individual, continue to respect that most of her life does not involve you, and have fun.

[DashRiprock]

Thank you for the comments all.

 

I do not have kids of my own. I have dated single mothers before but I was much younger--and so were they. This woman is far more mature. I'm not playing games with her or running a playbook, just doing my thing. I've always had a lot of charisma so I'm told and I'm very out going. Ironically, she's very introverted. She actually doesn't bring her kids up that much despite my asking occasionally only to make conversation. I think she's a bit guarded with me. She told me a couple dates ago she finds me "intimidating." I think because of my profession and lifestyle.

 

I've done so much dating in the past year after being in a relationship for 9 years and this one is the best by far. Man, I forgot how much fool's gold one has to go through...

[OatsAndHall]

In my experience, single mothers will be looking for something serious more quickly than woman without kids. No one can fault them for wanting that as they are trying to maintain stability for their children. Just be aware of this as you go along because, as she brings you further into her life, she's inevitably bringing you into her children's lives as well.

[Blanco]

In my experience, single mothers will be looking for something serious more quickly than woman without kids. No one can fault them for wanting that as they are trying to maintain stability for their children. Just be aware of this as you go along because, as she brings you further into her life, she's inevitably bringing you into her children's lives as well.

 

I think this is more accurate of mothers with younger children. Young children require a lot more attention, but they are generally accepting of new people assuming they are treated well by them. Contrast that with teenagers, who require less general attention, but who are typically more likely to resist a parent's new romantic interest.

 

Add in that with younger kids, there's still probably a longing for the single parent to create something resembling the traditional family unit. But for parents of teens, I think it's sort of a pie-in-the-sky vision to think that you'll be creating a real solid family unit with a stepparent. Really blending families, even the success stories, usually takes years. By that point, those teens are probably close to being out of the house or already gone.

[rushed]

Be mindful of her time. I mean one should be respectful of anyone's time really, but single mom's especially, meaning try to give her enough notice of dates and try not to cancel any at the very last minute. Her kids may be old enough to stay home by themselves, but you really don't know what she might have to go through in order to arrange time for a date.

 

(I speak from experience. One time in order to be on time for a date, I had to arrange for my kids' dad to be home a little earlier than normal for the drop off, which also included some rearranging on my and the kids' plans earlier in the day. After all that running around, once I dropped the kids' off about 30 minutes before my date, I texted my date to which he said he had to cancel. Whomp whomp. He didn't know all the trouble I had to go through, but I was still pretty pissed. Whereas if I were just single and didn't have a ton of things to juggle in order to make that date, I wouldn't have been as upset.)

[DashRiprock]

All good advice. I figured most single moms want the real deal and don't have time for games. That's good because neither do I. Most of the women I've dated recently must have taken graduate-level courses in dating games. At 51, I can identify each and every one which is both sad and amusing. It would be a refreshing change to date someone who is only trying to be themselves.

 

Interesting point about teens being rebellious against parents love interests. Her girls are 12 and 14.

[Blanco]

Interesting point about teens being rebellious against parents love interests. Her girls are 12 and 14.

 

That's strictly from second-hand accounts, but it makes sense. Kids at that age are more than aware of what's going on, so they may not be so keen on new partners for their parents. Even if it's unlikely that their parents will get back together, a new romantic interest further jeopardizes or eliminates that possibility.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, much younger kids just see a new person as a potential buddy, assuming that person is kind to them. I dated a woman whose children were under 4 at the time, and for a very long time, I was just the fun guy who would come over and play around with them, read them books, and all that. And, of course, kiss their mother when they weren't looking. Point is, they didn't view me as some threat to their closeness with their mother, nor something that was going to prevent their parents from getting back together. They were too young to grasp those concepts.

[coolheadal]

Thank you for the comments all.

 

I do not have kids of my own. I have dated single mothers before but I was much younger--and so were they. This woman is far more mature. I'm not playing games with her or running a playbook, just doing my thing. I've always had a lot of charisma so I'm told and I'm very out going. Ironically, she's very introverted. She actually doesn't bring her kids up that much despite my asking occasionally only to make conversation. I think she's a bit guarded with me. She told me a couple dates ago she finds me "intimidating." I think because of my profession and lifestyle.

 

I've done so much dating in the past year after being in a relationship for 9 years and this one is the best by far. Man, I forgot how much fool's gold one has to go through...

 

This could be worst, your have some clever witty personality I must say there bravo to you. I enjoy reading you post. I've taken many single moms. Some with child of 5 years old, some with more than 4 all over 25 age still living with the mom, grandma and brother. That is a challenge. Some teenagers also. Try not to fall into the 6 month rule. That is where the mom keeps you out of the family until your 6 month probation period is over.

 

Not all single mom do this though with the 6 month. Some do during this time your contact with the mom is limited. Now I was lucky enough something had happen and the single mom was going through a divorce and she ran out of gas She didn't call the husband but she had called me. I had jump and drove to her. Help her get gas, not buy it for her. She paid, but the two teenagers had to be picked up form Charter school. That's where I met them. Son didn't want to meet me yet. But there was no choice in the matter he did. I got along with his sister also . Both kids knew me and the pets. So the word is you should me the kids if you don't then dating the mom can be a slow process. It's fun when the kids know and trust you as well as the mom does. You'll one day meet the dad the ex-husband. He will always be in the picture because they had kids together.

 

Now for the mom try to make her happy and don't over do it with her. Your fun clever witty man. She's more old school more reserved. You just have to tippy toe her. The kids will be a push over if you win their heart. Your dealing with two teenage girls. Learn what they like and their favorite foods including the mom. Takes time, always ask hor the kids are too each time you call the mom or take her out on date. The kids are 100% important to her. You will always come 3rd in her book. Just remember that.. You should be fine but don't blow it okay.. You can very easily do that if your not careful her the mom and the 2 kids. The dad if he's around just watch what you do and say. Those ar his kids your around and his ex wife. He might be protective of all 3 of them. You are still considered a stranger though. So remember that. She knows him 16 years you just new to her still. That's it good luck!

Edited April 20, 2017 by coolheadal

[noelle303]

I think this is more accurate of mothers with younger children. Young children require a lot more attention, but they are generally accepting of new people assuming they are treated well by them. Contrast that with teenagers, who require less general attention, but who are typically more likely to resist a parent's new romantic interest.

 

Add in that with younger kids, there's still probably a longing for the single parent to create something resembling the traditional family unit. But for parents of teens, I think it's sort of a pie-in-the-sky vision to think that you'll be creating a real solid family unit with a stepparent. Really blending families, even the success stories, usually takes years. By that point, those teens are probably close to being out of the house or already gone.

 

Well, not neccessarily. I'm a single mom to a 6 year old and my boyfriend of over a year has not met her yet. If anything, I feel like I'm more careful about who I introduce and how serious I get in a relationship now when she's young than I would be when she's more grown up.

 

That being said, what I expect in a relationship - don't push to meet my child, don't meddle in parenting, be understanding of my schedule, the fact that I can't be spontaneus and my lack of free time and be understanding of the fact that my child comes first in every situation.

[todreaminblue]

i agree with other posters that single mothers are looking for more serious relationships because ultimately its not just about her life and future but the future of the ones she is responsible for...and even when children move out of home(my oldest daughter leaving the nest this week ) they are in all effect always going to be her children ......holidays family gatherings sleep overs.... etc ......so integrating the guy i love who has shown me to be a sensible responsible mature compassionate man is one of my hopes.....

 

i dont need a father either for my kids.they have one what they need is a strong mature role model who knows right from wrong and wants to be in my kids lives as well as mine ...so a family unit......the father of children would be on board with that also....you cant have too many good role models......he trusts me..to pick a guy who would be

 

speaking from a personal opinion single mother point of view...what i really respect is a guy who has thought about the future and realizes what that future entails and will not be all fun and games.....it can be fun going out on dates....and getting to know each other.scary movie nights and popcorn fights.......but behind the fun times i have a serious heart.....and i dont lead guys on i dont want to be led on either.....or have my girls and sons attach to someone who doesnt see them in his future.....he has to love them.....period......because they will love him..and that is where datign leads....to meeting my kids ......

 

....so i think a guy who is contemplating taking on a ready made family, before even dating a single mom have in his mind this lady and mother of children isnt out for just a good time...but a good long time.....even if the dating process doesnt work out...i take dating seriously...

 

 

because i have to...theres more than just me to think of...even if i dont speak of my children or saty away for a weekend because i can, they are all older....my youngest however has begged me to take her with her fi i stay away...she is 17....they are not far from my thoughts....ever..there is no out of sight out of mind.....with single mothers......deb

[mikeylo]

If she is smart and a good parent , she will work around the kids. Not ALL kids rebel. It's up to you to start preparing your kids that you, as an adult , also need a companion and a partner in life. They are your kids. They will understand if made to be understood skillfully.

 

Once an empty nest, you too need a partner. Most kids understand this concept and want to see their parent happy. They don't want to worry that their parent is lonely. Having a loving partner makes letting go of kids easier.

[OatsAndHall]

I have enjoyed reading the responses from single mothers on here. They're refreshing for me. I have dated a few single mothers and it didn't work out because they pushed the kids on me a bit early. I was virtually a stranger to these women and they wanted to bring me into their kids' lives within weeks... That was a red-flag for me as either a) they weren't really conscientious of how that could affect their children or b) they were testing me for "add water" daddy material. Sometimes it was just harmless as we wanted to spend some time together, they had the kids that weekend and so including me seemed reasonable to them. But, it wasn't for me as life can be hard enough for kids in divorce situations (I was one) without adding a strange adult into their lives.

 

This thinned out the OLD numbers even further as I tended to stay away from single mothers.

[blockrockinbeat74]

If she is smart and a good parent , she will work around the kids. Not ALL kids rebel. It's up to you to start preparing your kids that you, as an adult , also need a companion and a partner in life. They are your kids. They will understand if made to be understood skillfully.

 

Once an empty nest, you too need a partner. Most kids understand this concept and want to see their parent happy. They don't want to worry that their parent is lonely. Having a loving partner makes letting go of kids easier.

 

This.

 

My kids are still relatively young but enough time (ie years) has lapsed since the divorce that they (and I!) are used to the situation. They know from our social circle or other kids in their class that parents remarry, often successfully, and their lives need not change if a new man comes along in their mum's life. I've had a couple of flings since the divorce, which they are of course totally oblivious to, and I wouldn't dream of introducing them to a man unless it was very serious.

 

We've already had casual conversations when appropriate (when we are watching a film with blended families for instance) which I have found eye-opening because I got to address some of their worries (what if he doesn't like us, what if you will love us less, what if everything changes) without there being a guy on the scene.

 

That being said, single mothers aren't just mothers - they are women in their own right, with a career, a social life, a family, expectations and hopes that will vary depending on their circumstances so the is no 'one size fits all' advice.

 

Treat her like you would any other woman that you care about and want to get to know better, keeping in mind she comes with extra responsibilities straight off the bat.

[mikeylo]

My wife's step father adopted her when her mother married him. My wife was 15 at the time. She calls him dad and he dotes on her to date.

 

It's a fine balance but doable.

[curiouslysearching]

I think you have to be mindful of several things here. She, more than

likely, has a lot on her shoulders being a single Mom (responsibility

wise) so you need to GET THAT upfront. Her schedule is probably

difficult to situate at times so be able to adapt with her. Also, be

aware that she MAY HAVE been through a rough time which ultimately

brought her to being a single Mom. She sounds like a really nice lady

so take things slowly and above all at her pace.

[DashRiprock]

Thanks all for the great advice. I think the keys I heard are slow, steady, confident, fun, be understanding, and don't push. Got it!

 

Tomorrow is another scary movie night for us.

[SevenCity]

Thanks all for the great advice. I think the keys I heard are slow, steady, confident, fun, be understanding, and don't push. Got it!

 

Tomorrow is another scary movie night for us.

 

Kids or no kids women universally want to take things at their pace. Just watch for her queues and don't make any sudden rash advances.

 

If you want to see her more throw it out there. Like have something fun to do on a Wednesday and ask her if she'd like to join. If she doesn't or can't, no big deal.

 

And trust me, when she wants more of your time she will start asking for it.

 

It's great that you found a keeper - they are few and far between the older you get!

[Imajerk17]

Well, the one relevant detail that no one has mentioned yet (at least I didn't see it, my apology if I missed that in your post) is the AGES of the kids. The OP's date's kids are 12 and 14. That is quite a big detail indeed, and the ages for the kids make for a HUGE difference from (say) 4 and 6. Especially because their dad is very much involved.

 

The big difference is, I think, that you can worry a lot less that she is (consciously or subconsciously) looking for a dad for her kids as she might be doing if her kids were much younger. Your date's kids are older and they get that Mom needs her time to date, just as they are starting to have their own lives. They also already have a dad so if you and your date do stick it out, your role in their lives will be a lot better defined as sort of an older male figure (who is really for their mom) but NOT their dad.

 

In fact, when you do meet the kids, your date probably will solicit their opinion on you! Kids at that age are surprisingly insightful.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DashRiprock]

Ok, long but worth the read:

[]

 

So, I met this girl, “Nikki”, recently and we’ve had 5 dates over 5 weeks. I’m about a year out of a 9-year relationship and have dated quite a bit since then. After dating many pieces of “fool’s gold”, Nikki appears to be a genuine nugget. She’s a single mom, recently divorced, works hard to provide, and appears to have a good head about her. She also is very sincere and I’ve detecting no game playing (deal breaker). She’s 41, I’m 51.

 

She’s actually quite plain, what some might call a Plain Jane. But the second I saw her, something resonated. This never happens with me—even with some of the “lookers” I’ve dated. I must say, I was/am a bit smitten with her. Haven’t had this feeling in a while and I must say it does feel good after so long.

 

So, I planned some cool dates; casual dinner, a couple scary movie nights at my house, walks, small theatre event, and a big theatre event (Broadway musical) where I live.

 

During our first date, in getting to know her, I asked about her family, etc. She said she had 2 girls, 12 and 14, told me their names and what they like to do. She said the dad is very involved and a “good father.” She’s been divorced for about a year after being separated for one year.

 

Last night, we had a scary movie night, kissing and caressing on my couch. After the movie, she turns to say…and here’s where I’m stunned and need a little advice. I’ll try to recall best I can:

 

Her: Dash? (insert my real name…)

Me: Yes?

Her: Have you Googled me?

Me: No, I don’t do that and I don’t care. Plus, I don’t know how to spell your last name.

Her: (long pause) Maybe you should. There are stories in the paper about me.

Me: (pause) Do you want to tell me something?

Her: (very long pause) I don’t know if I should.

Me; Do you think I’ll run?

Her: You might.

Me: (very long pause…thoughts of her killing someone, being an escort, or some kind of illicit activity start to emerge) Try me (I say).

Her: My youngest daughter is dead. (keep in mind she talked about them, not a lot, but when I would ask like both were around and alive over the past 5 weeks).

Me: (stunned) I’m sorry? (in a more inquisitive manner, like I didn’t hear her right)

Her: It all started back in 2007. She had a very virulent form of cancer. We fought and tried everything. Many trips to New York. We finally found a start-up company in (city close to us) that had an experimental drug. We tried it. And it was miraculous, it worked, at first. She was getting better. Then after about two months, the cancer figured out how to beat the drug. She got sicker again. Then, she died (very recently this February, I think).

Me: (VERY stunned—long pause) I’m so sorry.

[Long Pause……]

Me: Well, if you ever want to talk, I’m here. Just to listen.

Her: It seems I have it together but I don’t. I haven’t cleaned the house in a month. I can’t sleep. I just went back to work two weeks ago. I’m so tired. I’m a mess right now.

Me: (still stunned, just listening, holding her on the couch really tight)

Her: But I’m actually ok…80% of the time (a little contradictory, but understood)

Me: (just listening, holding her… ([Thinking only] I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I SHOULD say anything. She doesn’t want that. Only wants to be heard. Don’t give advice. Don’t say **** right now…)

[Long pause and now she’s crying a bit]

Me: (holding her tight, slowly kissing her cheek)

Me: (whispering) I have a question to ask you.

Her: What?

Me: (whispering) Will you go out on a date with me next week? (I wanted to show her I wasn't afraid of what she said).

Her: (starting to actually laugh) I suppose…

Me: (kind of adding some levity) C’mon, I’m sweating it out over here, yes or no?

Her: Yes.

Me: Great, I have something really fun planned (I never tell her what we’re doing, only how to dress). I’m a man with a plan.

Her: Yes, you are.

 

We kissed and she left.

 

I don't think she would tell just anybody what she told me.

 

So, in the past two years, she’s devoted her time to her daughters one of which who died after fighting cancer for years, went through a divorce, and started a new job to care for her daughter after not working for many years to raise kids.

 

I’m not afraid of this. She’s the best one in a long time. She’s been very cautious to this point. She wouldn’t give me her number before our first date (met on an online dating site), was kind of reluctant to give it after the first date, but did. We didn’t kiss until the second date. She’s been very shy around me (she says she's a real introvert, and is), except for last night. She’s affectionate and I can “tell” she likes what we’re doing, so far.

 

My Plan: My gut is telling me to keep doing what I’m doing: check in with her every other day or so (usually text), call once/week, ask her out and see her once/week until she asks for more. Don’t pry. Don’t even ask about anything related to her daughter’s death. Keep it fun, lighthearted. Be strong for her by just being present. Don’t push. Show her affection, but don’t overdo it. Don’t push for sex (we haven’t yet). Be her rock.

 

Any advice appreciated, especially from females, because this is a delicate situation and I don’t want to mess it up. I want to be there for her.

 

Thank you.

 

Dash

Edited April 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not a lady, but know tons about cancer and its impact (personal and professional). I think your thinking is pretty spot on. Just remember and appreciate that her recent loss will likely result in some behavior that may seem frustrating, but if she continues to keep herself together and doesn't drag you into some emotional (and personal/financial) melt-down you may have a strong woman on your hands. Worth the risk.

[Raena]

It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing in this situation. For her, you must be like a dream come true. Keep doing what you are doing and see where it goes. She must trust and like you quite a bit to open up to you.