What do you do when you really like someone, but that person can't perform sexually?

[Kkristine]

I met a guy about a week ago. We really hit it off. We had a few too many drinks, and he came back to my place. We had sex, and to be honest, I don't know if he did his job or not, so to speak. We continued this journey for a few days. In fact, I saw him every day. Common denominator though. He can't perform, or should I say do the deed. He lied and gave me excuses about it. Finally, he admitted to me that he has had this problem all of his life. I was crushed. I told him that this isn't something I can fix. Even though I like him so very much, to the point of questioning if I ever even loved my ex of 4 years, I have to have sex as a deal breaker. I even asked him if he thought about sex with me while we were apart today, and he said no. I asked him if it was me or if he was gay, and he said no. In most cases, I'd just move right along. However, we really connected emotionally in a way that I've never experienced before. I actually cried because I didn't want to lose him even as a friend. What do I do? I tried working with him, changing positions... nothing. He was able to keep it hard, but that's it.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Kkristine

[MoreThanThat]

I had an awesome relationship with someone for a few years. Was one of two guys I've ever been really in love with. We were together a few months before we had sex. The first time, he had issues. He claimed it was just performance anxiety but it continued. He was only 30-31 at the time. Anyway it turned out he was on medication for high cholesterol that resulted in dysfunction issues. When he found that out, he got some herbal version of V-gra and it worked wonders. Never had a problem again.

 

TL/DR is medication possibly an issue for him?

[Popsicle]

You've only known him for a week. Keep that in mind. Does he drink a lot? Because that causes issues.

[Els]

What exactly do you mean by "not performing"? Whenever I read of anyone using that term, it usually seems to be about ED, but in your case you say he "is able to keep it hard"? What exactly can he not do, then?

[GemmaUK]

Finally, he admitted to me that he has had this problem all of his life

 

I would guess if this is a lifelong thing that he has been to see professionals about it?

I would say whatever the reason it's not going to suddenly change.

[gaius]

I think she means he can't ejaculate els.

 

Honestly if he can't even do that the first time you're together than whatever connection you feel there's still something very wrong. My girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now and I still can't get enough of her.

[Els]

I think she means he can't ejaculate els.

 

I was thinking she might have meant that, but then she says that he can't "do the deed" - why does she consider "doing the deed" to be intrinsically tied to the man's orgasm? As in, if he doesn't O then none of it means anything? What about if she doesn't O? Did she O?

 

I mean, I can completely understand the lack of ejaculation being a dealbreaker, just trying to wrap my head around her equating the two to each other.

[CptInsano]

I'm interpreting the post in the sense that the guy doesn't think about sex, and doesn't have much of a sex drive. If the guy had his testosterone level checked, there is not a whole lot she can do. I'm also curious to find out the guy's point of view, as the OP seems rather distraught.

[kendahke]

Does he have fingers and a tongue? Do they work?

 

He probably is used to not thinking of sex because of his issue, but his lack of creativity is concerning... and perhaps it's because he's gotten the same reaction you gave him from every other woman he's dealt with, so he's learned to just never dwell on it.

[Gaeta]

It's unclear what the problem is exactly.

 

How old is he?

 

Has he seen a doctor?

[SpinScratch]

im gonna be pretty frank here... I cant get it up sometimes, or keep it up, when Im with someone new, for anxiety reasons. So I pop a quarter of a Viagra... problem solved.

 

Sometimes I cant "finish" either, even with someone I really like, for the same reason. After I get comfortable with a person, these issues usually subside.

 

As far as drinking... I dont have anything to drink on a night im expecting sex, it compounds the issues for me.

[coolheadal]

I met a guy about a week ago. We really hit it off. We had a few too many drinks, and he came back to my place. We had sex, and to be honest, I don't know if he did his job or not, so to speak. We continued this journey for a few days. In fact, I saw him every day. Common denominator though. He can't perform, or should I say do the deed. He lied and gave me excuses about it. Finally, he admitted to me that he has had this problem all of his life. I was crushed. I told him that this isn't something I can fix. Even though I like him so very much, to the point of questioning if I ever even loved my ex of 4 years, I have to have sex as a deal breaker. I even asked him if he thought about sex with me while we were apart today, and he said no. I asked him if it was me or if he was gay, and he said no. In most cases, I'd just move right along. However, we really connected emotionally in a way that I've never experienced before. I actually cried because I didn't want to lose him even as a friend. What do I do? I tried working with him, changing positions... nothing. He was able to keep it hard, but that's it.

 

He lacks the will to perform. His stamina is low LSD = low sex drive, I would have suggest a plant he can eat RAW but you said he always have this issue. So it's in his gene. So you either stay and leave. This is something you have to decide because we all have our own suggestions here. You have to do what works best for you. Keep him as a friend and get a partner who can satisfied your needs sexually.

[preraph]

All you CAN be is friends. Tell him "it is what it is," so we need to stop pretending to be romantic.

 

But meanwhile, has he gone into therapy about this and also had a thorough physical workup by a physician? If he hasn't by now, with this big a motivation, he probably won't ever, but it's worth asking.

 

I had a guy I was in love with who wouldn't have sex with me and wouldn't tell me ED was why and I thought I was going really crazy in the head imagining this relationship. It really messed me up. A decade later he married and had a kid and I was in town so met his family, and right there in front of his wife, he told me he'd had ED but that he did therapy and was straightened out now. Very sad.

[SevenCity]

Sex is super important to me in a RL. However, when you break it down, you are only having sex for a very small percentage of your time together.

 

Finding love is a way more elusive than finding sex. If you feel that strongly about him I would try to see if it can be resolved before you pull the plug.

 

My entire life I've had back issues. I never saw a doctor about it. Doesn't mean that if for some strange reason it caused an issue with a girl I really liked I would not be willing to get it checked out.

 

If you mean as much to him as he seems to mean to you, have a frank discussion about your needs and what can be done to resolve his issues.

[fromheart]

All you CAN be is friends. Tell him "it is what it is," so we need to stop pretending to be romantic.

 

 

How would you feel if you were having this issue and a man said that to you?

[healing light]

I'm going to assume you are referring to delayed ejaculation and you are still interested in exploring a romantic relationship with this person:

 

In any case, I would have him abstain from all drinking (this can interfere with a man's ability to perform) and sexual activities in the day(s) leading up to sex. Ask him if he is able to finish on his own when he's alone and if he has a libido. Some people have retrograde ejaculation, where semen is redirected to the bladder instead of out the urethra even though they have climaxed. If he does masturbate, some guys can use a really tight grip that they're accustomed to that desensitizes them, so I would consider this as a remote possibility. If it's a sensitivity issue, refraining from sex or masturbation for the days leading up to your dates can potentially help.

 

I would ask him if he's seen a medical professional or if he has any interest in going to one to get his hormone levels checked. If he's on anti-depressants or other medication, it can interfere with a man's sex drive. Sometimes other medications that treat the same problem can be substituted instead without the side effects. This is likely especially relevant in anti-depressants and hypertension medications.

 

If he's gone to a western medical professional without avail, I would recommend going to a good acupuncturist. There are different herbal formulas and needling treatments you can do to address sexual issues in men--that target the root of the imbalance rather than just the symptom (I studied Chinese medicine and have seen success in clinic). Good luck!

[Daisy2013]

I had one like that. He was early 60s though and I'm almost 50. He could get it up just fine but it either had to happen real quick for sex (which it did, usually) or he'd go soft. I didn't take it personally as he was awesome in other ways so I was very satisfied. It took a while for me to understand it wasn't me causing this. But, it was hard to not feel it was my fault. If you like him, ways can be found. If really good actual sex is important, then you just aren't compatible and maybe it's time to move on.

[thecrucible]

I think you could give it a bit longer. You may find that the next time you have sex with him, he's a bit more confident. I think the first time pressure to perform can be scary sometimes but if you act like it's totally okay and not an issue, it can bring the guy out of his shell a bit better. My current bf and I are still trying to work this out between us but he really seems keen on getting things right.

 

Give it time. But it's also important that he's honest with you and prepared to work on the issue/is enthusiastic about pleasing you. I did have a bf with erectile dysfunction but he hid the issue from me so I thought it was my fault. He wasn't prepared to work it. Sex doesn't have to be the be all end all but intimacy is important.

[Kkristine]

Sorry for not being clearer in my post. I wasn't sure how to phrase my words without crossing an inappropriate line. He can and does get hard, but he can't orgasm. He's never had an orgasm through oral either. He mentioned that it's been 4 years since he's last had sex, and that he likes masturbation (better) because of the firm grip.

 

He did say he was going to lay off of that for a while. We'll see, but it just leaves me feeling worried.

 

I asked him if he was a sexual person, and he said he absolutely is. He's 27.

[mortensorchid]

I've been with a few who can't ... Do what you're talking about. Asked them why, they said they just can't preform with any women they are with. So the answer is : NOT MUCH.

 

Unless he decides to take steps (take an Rx, seek professional help, etc.), there's not much you can do about it.