OLD: Flaking

[DatingLo]

So I've been having trouble with OLD. I'm a 31 year old male.

In the past couple of weeks I have connected with 2 girls I've been interested in. The first one messaged me first, then flaked and deleted her profile within a day, cutting our conversation flat.

 

The second girl I talked to first. I exchanged quite a few messages with her, was in the process of arranging to meet for coffee. Narrowed down the day and asked for her number and it's been radio silence.

I understand that decent girls get 100+ messages in one month on these sites and that flaking is common. But it sucks. Did I say something stupid, lame or was she just playing the field?

What do you do in this situation. Do you follow it up, or do you just never say anything again and let it go?

 

It's tough because unless I go on a date all this online banter is meaningless and the person does'nt even give me a chance.

I simply don't get these opportunities very often. Like once every few months I might get connected with a girl that is compatible. Most of the girls that message me first are not even remotely compatible. Maybe my approach is wrong or I need to improve my profile, but it seems difficult. Cheers.

[leogirl876]

Welcome to OLD! It happens to women too, even good looking women. People on OLD are flakes, bottom line. I don't hear of any successful OLD dating stories, all bad. I would say though if you're gonna keep trying, don't message a women for days on end, that gets old and makes me lose interest. Exchange a maximum of 3-5 between each other and ask for her number and call her. And I stress, call her, don't text her. I've had plenty of men try to maintain attraction with texting after a date or two and I lose interest. Texting is lazy if you ask me. If you're looking for a real relationship, call, don't text.

 

I'd try those things, but overall, don't get your hopes up too high with OLD. Lower your expectations, use OLD as an addition to your dating life, not the only way you meet women and keep busy. And don't keep your profile up there for more than 3-6 months. I remember signing up a couple years ago for a month, and then 2 years later, I'm seeing some of the same guys still active.

 

That's all the advise I have....

[Knix]

I think most people on their are just sorting through who they like and quickly move on when they aren't interested. Quite frankly, it saves everyone a lot of time.

 

Cardinal rule is to never put your eggs in one basket and get your hopes up on those things. Talk and get to know them. I will spend at least a few days texting someone before I consider meeting them, and even before that I have a phone call with them, then after decide they aren't right for me based on how they communicate, revealing interests or traits I'm not attracted to, etc.

 

Just keep on talking to different people and one or more will make it to the meeting phase.. Talk to more than one person at a time and get thick skin, after all maybe it's a catfish fake profile, or they have a secret boyfriend.. who knows!

[rushed]

The second girl I talked to first. I exchanged quite a few messages with her, was in the process of arranging to meet for coffee. Narrowed down the day and asked for her number and it's been radio silence.

I understand that decent girls get 100+ messages in one month on these sites and that flaking is common. But it sucks. Did I say something stupid, lame or was she just playing the field?

What do you do in this situation. Do you follow it up, or do you just never say anything again and let it go?

 

It's tough because unless I go on a date all this online banter is meaningless and the person does'nt even give me a chance.

I simply don't get these opportunities very often. Like once every few months I might get connected with a girl that is compatible. Most of the girls that message me first are not even remotely compatible. Maybe my approach is wrong or I need to improve my profile, but it seems difficult. Cheers.

 

I doubt it was anything you said or did. When I first got on OLD and a guy asked me for my number I thought, "What?! Why is he asking me for my number? Can't he just message me on this? Oooh, this makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ghost because I'm too much of a wuss to say anything."

 

I know, pretty immature.

 

What I suggest you do is wait a few weeks and then message her again. Who knows why she disappeared the first time. Scared. Other options. Too overwhelmed. Whatever. The thing is when you message her again in a few weeks she might be more receptive. Speaking from personal experience, sometimes when a guy messaged me again after a while I'd actually talk to him. It's basically luck. Sometimes these second-timers would catch me when I was bored or during a down time. You honestly have nothing to lose by messaging her again later. If she doesn't reply, oh well. And if she does, well, there's your second chance.

[normal person]

So I've been having trouble with OLD. I'm a 31 year old male.

In the past couple of weeks I have connected with 2 girls I've been interested in. The first one messaged me first, then flaked and deleted her profile within a day, cutting our conversation flat.

 

Move on from this one, it happens.

 

The second girl I talked to first. I exchanged quite a few messages with her, was in the process of arranging to meet for coffee. Narrowed down the day and asked for her number and it's been radio silence.

I understand that decent girls get 100+ messages in one month on these sites and that flaking is common. But it sucks. Did I say something stupid, lame or was she just playing the field?

What do you do in this situation. Do you follow it up, or do you just never say anything again and let it go?

 

Don't exchange a ton of messages -- just get to the point. Most women don't want a pen pal. Also, drinks or dinner is better than coffee or lunch. Coffee and lunch aren't really conducive to romance. Once you connect with someone on there, entertain them with a few messages (don't be boring or trivial), then get their number quickly. Then text them and set up a meeting as soon as possible. Otherwise they might get bored with your inaction and go out with someone more proactive and decisive.

 

Best of luck.

[Knix]

Move on from this one, it happens.

 

 

 

Don't exchange a ton of messages -- just get to the point. Most women don't want a pen pal. Also, drinks or dinner is better than coffee or lunch. Coffee and lunch aren't really conducive to romance. Once you connect with someone on there, entertain them with a few messages (don't be boring or trivial), then get their number quickly. Then text them and set up a meeting as soon as possible. Otherwise they might get bored with your inaction and go out with someone more proactive and decisive.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

Coffee or a quick lunch on a first meet is absolutely okay. If the date doesn't go well there's nothing romantic about it

[Miss Spider]

As someone said, don't waste time chatting too much and it will alleviate some if the frustration. It doesn't have to be a date, but your objective should be to nail down a meet at least asap. You might scare some off this way, but you'll also save yourself a lot of time!

[NuevoYorko]

I think you should stop thinking of it as "flaking." They changed their mind or weren't very interested in the first place. That what happens; you'll do it too.

[chphan]

Coffee or a quick lunch on a first meet is absolutely okay. If the date doesn't go well there's nothing romantic about it

 

Pretty much this. I'm sticking to this rule on a first meet. No way am I putting in a lot of extra money on a dinner and sitting through 2 hours or so just to find out there's no real connection or attraction. That just end up a waste of time and money that a quick and cheaper lunch would be better or even coffee.

[FoundLove]

I can understand why people get frustrated with OLD, because it is difficult finding people you really have a connection with and who are on there for the right reasons, i.e. finding a relationship.

 

That being said, I married the guy I met on an online dating website, so it really can happen. It wasn't easy, but it was so worth it in the end! It took me well over a year of chatting and dating and the usual flaking and ghosting before I finally got to the right one. We've now been together for 4 years.

So, don't give up on OLD! It's a numbers game, in my opinion. The more people you meet and interact with, the better your chances become.

 

Good luck!

[OatsAndHall]

 

Don't exchange a ton of messages -- just get to the point. Most women don't want a pen pal. Also, drinks or dinner is better than coffee or lunch. Coffee and lunch aren't really conducive to romance. Once you connect with someone on there, entertain them with a few messages (don't be boring or trivial), then get their number quickly. Then text them and set up a meeting as soon as possible. Otherwise they might get bored with your inaction and go out with someone more proactive and decisive.

 

Best of luck.

 

Yeah, I asked women out pretty quickly (within two days of back and forth messaging) when I used OLD. But, fair warning, this can be hit or miss. Some people want to "chat longer" and "get to know you better" and wish them luck and move on. It's difficult to actually get a feel for someone via text and messaging because everything can be read into and there's no tone.. I have found that the women that say this are either hedging their bets with a few other guys (it happens on OLD sites) or just don't understand what I posted above. I don't want to be their pen-pal. I have done it before and it was a waste of time.

 

I do prefer coffee on the first date though as it's low key and quiet. Dinner isn't a bad option but I always pick up the first tab unless they ask to go Dutch on it. I'm not a cheap skate, by any means, but I've dropped too much money on bad dinner dates. Plus, in my experience, I don't necessarily want a serious romantic vibe on that first date. I just want to hang around with someone, chat and get to know them.

[kendahke]

It's better to drop <$5 on some coffee and half an hour of your time than to drop >$100 on a dinner date that you cannot wait for it to end. If you two have connection, it will be apparent within that half hour and you can then extend that to an impromptu lunch or dinner.

 

I think it's misguided to think that going into debt for someone you don't even know likes you like that---or worse, is only out for a free dinner--is a wise move. If she has a good head on her shoulders, meeting you for coffee isn't going to cast you in a negative light. It certainly will weed out for you those who are only after you spending your money on them and those who truly want to get to know you.

 

FWIW, I just met a gentleman for coffee and conversation a week ago and it was instant attraction for both of us. We extended our meet to grabbing lunch. We're going on our first date this Friday.

 

Want to know what we did on the first meet? We both brought a thermos of our favorite hot beverage, two ceramic mugs and our favorite books to swap and met on a park bench to get to know one another. Nerdy AF, but it was one of the best first meetings I've ever had with a gentleman. Since then, we've been in contact with each other every day. So far, so good...

[Titanll]

I think you should stop thinking of it as "flaking." They changed their mind or weren't very interested in the first place. That what happens; you'll do it too.

 

Dear sweet lord! Someone gets it! Flaking is a term created by someone that simply wanted more of a connection with someone that did not feel the same way. Does not matter one bit about the amount of messages exchanged or how giddy someone seems to be to meet you, people have choices and sometimes you are not that choice.

 

Again, OLD gets a bad rap by some of the posters above making incorrect absolute statements about how horrible OLD is. I have a couple of mustangs in my stable that only I can ride. Every single other person that has tried has been bucked. I love em. Everyone else, not so much haha! It's a matter of perspective...find your own mustang.

 

OLD is only a means of introduction. It's a concentration of men and women looking to date, hook up. make new friends, etc. Your success or failure is completely your responsibility and no amount of fictional words such as Flake or Ghost is going to place that responsibility elsewhere.

[DatingLo]

I met my first girlfriend through online dating after many months where I thought it was a waste of time so I know it can work out (well) but I agree that I should put my effort into other venues as well and not take it as serious as I do.

It's possible some of this flaking is my own issue as well. For the first girl I was very nervous, took a while to respond and ended up saying something stupid, possibly insulting.

I guess this happens and I shouldn't make a big deal of it, except to learn from my mistakes if it's obvious I made one.

[smackie9]

Bottom line......it's competition that is the reason for ghosting, rejection, etc. 99.9% they found someone else they are more interested in.

 

If you had 3 or 4 interested women....what would be your course of action?? You pick the one you are most interested in.