BornToDie Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 It's been quite a while since I've posted anything on this site, but I'm currently single, on a clean slate, and doing well all things considered. Long story short, I've [24F] currently been dating a guy [23M] whom I have a complicated 2 year history with. We've never been able to be together, but a month and a half ago, I ended my toxic relationship, told him how I felt, and we decided to "see where things went." Over the past month and a half, things have accelerated quickly. We spend almost each day together, refer to one another as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," have taken a beach trip together, and he plans to introduce me to his extended family. There are just a few things I'm slightly hesitant about. 1. Every now and then, he mentions his ex that took his virginity. One night, while out with his friends, he told me that she might be joining us, which confused me. He explained to me that some exes have been jealous of her in the past because she is attractive, but that she is part of his past, and they are friends. He told me she is part of the reason he's still alive as his mental health has been at near suicidal levels in the past. He assured me if she ever came around, I would be there, and then he told me if he wanted to be with her, he would be, but he has made it extremely clear to her that he is dating me. While I have my inhibitions about this, I understand his viewpoint: I am cordial and friendly to my ex of 6+ years who took my virginity, and he is more than understanding of this. 2. While we have made it clear to one another that we are dating and are exclusive, we are not yet official. This isn't something I'm freaking out about as we refer to each other as BF/GF. When I brought this up to him, he told me that after some emotional trauma I went through earlier this year (a family death and breakup), he wanted to first make sure that I wasn't using him as a "band-aid" or rebound, saying that things could go wrong quickly after making it official if I were. He also is on hard financial times and can barely pay for himself alone, and this makes him feel insecure as he says he wants to "take me out on dates" and "treat me the way I deserve." No matter what I say, he doesn't waiver on this. He frequently gets down on himself, saying he doesn't bring anything to the table, and while he has no plans to end our situation, "it's just bad timing." We're pretty communicative and open, and we're very happy together. Although I'm rather reassured, I just wanted to get an outside opinion. How do I talk to him about his insecurity? Do I need to say anything about becoming official? Should I be way of his reasons?
Dis Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Nothing is good about this Break up and let yourself heal from your past 1
preraph Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I would ask him if his ex still wants him back. If so, yes it's a problem. Maybe not now, but down the line if he gets discouraged or starts getting mad at you, she'd be right there waiting. Because he said he made it clear to her, so that makes me think she is wanting him back so he had to spell it out for her. Otherwise, he sounds fine, and his promise to only see her when you are there is about the best situation you can have under the circumstances. But there's still her texting and stuff and not knowing how deep that goes. He sounds like he intends to do right by you, but as you know when things start falling apart is when it could become an issue. I'd ask him a little more and see if she's actively saying she still wants him or if she ever tries to sext him, etc. First I would acknowledge what he said about only seeing her with you by his side and be sure he understands you intend to hold him to that. But if she's totally after him, she may do things to interfere. I think you'd be within your rights to ask him if she is manipulative and is likely to try to stir up trouble and drive a wedge between you, and I'd ask him never to discuss any disagreements he has with you with her or give her the idea there's a chink in the relationship where she might start digging. 1
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