I'm not sure where I stand with him anymore

[soret]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been seeing a guy since January and I have started to feel him taking a step back for about a month now. He left on a vacation for a month in March but continued to contact me every day while he was away.

 

Before he left we discussed our relationship and about us seeing other people. We both agreed that we like each other and that we would be exclusive but without the labels. I was in an abusive relationship before I met him which I told him when we first started dating and I agreed to take things slow and see where our relationship would go.

 

When we are together everything is fine but lately when we are apart he doesn't contact me as much as he used to. He will say things like, "see you later on during the week" but never makes a set plan. He doesn't texts to ask how my day was. However, he will do this in person. I have been initiating conversations I think too much and I haven't let him chase me.

 

When we do get together he calls it "hanging out" but he never plans anything. We will hang out at his place or make dinner plans while I'm there. How is that dating?

 

I texted him last night asking why he ignored one of my messages and he said "sorry, I didn't think it was a big deal". He went on to say that he isn't big into texting and would rather use texting as a way to make plans with people which wasn't how he used to be early in the relationship.

 

I think my main concern with things is that I don't really appreciate being ignored by a person. I would rather a person tell me that they will speak to me later. I also don't see a serious relationship evolving with hardly any talking and I don't want to waste my time and get played in the process.

 

Thanks everyone

[Titanll]

Relationship sounds kind of casual but you wanted to take things slowly, correct?

 

Can't complain much about another person's behavior without doing your own thing and then assessing where the relationship is headed. In other words, speak your mind, show him where you want the relationship to go but don't expect him to just take the lead. If you want more, ask for more.

 

Just from the small amount of info in this thread, sounds like he may be losing interest or keeping you on the side.

[soret]

anyone willing to help me?

[kiss_andmakeup]

He doesn't sound very interested in you. Have you two agreed upon exclusivity in any way? If I was in your shoes, I'd probably move on, or at the very least, date other people.

[Redhead14]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been seeing a guy since January and I have started to feel him taking a step back for about a month now. He left on a vacation for a month in March but continued to contact me every day while he was away.

 

Before he left we discussed our relationship and about us seeing other people. We both agreed that we like each other and that we would be exclusive but without the labels. I was in an abusive relationship before I met him which I told him when we first started dating and I agreed to take things slow and see where our relationship would go.

 

When we are together everything is fine but lately when we are apart he doesn't contact me as much as he used to. He will say things like, "see you later on during the week" but never makes a set plan. He doesn't texts to ask how my day was. However, he will do this in person. I have been initiating conversations I think too much and I haven't let him chase me.

 

When we do get together he calls it "hanging out" but he never plans anything. We will hang out at his place or make dinner plans while I'm there. How is that dating?

 

I texted him last night asking why he ignored one of my messages and he said "sorry, I didn't think it was a big deal". He went on to say that he isn't big into texting and would rather use texting as a way to make plans with people which wasn't how he used to be early in the relationship.

 

I think my main concern with things is that I don't really appreciate being ignored by a person. I would rather a person tell me that they will speak to me later. I also don't see a serious relationship evolving with hardly any talking and I don't want to waste my time and get played in the process.

 

Thanks everyone

 

You are in an exclusive yet very casual relationship. He is not "dating" you the way a man who wants a long-term, committed relationship.

 

Have you had any conversations about each of your dating goals overall? Where does he see himself in 5 years -- career, relationship, life goals?

 

I agreed to take things slow and see where our relationship would go.

 

We both agreed that we like each other and that we would be exclusive but without the labels.

 

I don't want to waste my time and get played in the process

 

To me, you gave him license to treat this very casually . . . you reap what you sow.

 

If you want someone to date you seriously, you need to tell them you are dating for the purpose of exploring the possibility of developing a long-term, committed relationship and want to date in a way that allows that to happen which includes regular/consistent quality dating and communication and not 'hanging out" all the time.

 

Get "right" with yourself about what you want our of YOUR dating journey. If you aren't sure exactly what you want right now, take a break, because this kind of "dating" causes confusion for both parties.

[soret]

He doesn't sound very interested in you. Have you two agreed upon exclusivity in any way? If I was in your shoes, I'd probably move on, or at the very least, date other people.

 

 

I asked him before he left for vacation if he would be upset if I saw other people while he was away. I told him I wasn't considering dating around because I liked being with him. He agreed with me and said he didn't want the both of us to see others as we liked each other.

 

His words were "lets see where things go as we don't really know each other all that well yet". Which I agree with.

 

I am talking to other guys right now but I don't feel like I'm doing it for the right reasons. Mainly, because I think I am doing it out of spite.

[soret]

You are in an exclusive yet very casual relationship. He is not "dating" you the way a man who wants a long-term, committed relationship.

 

Have you had any conversations about each of your dating goals overall? Where does he see himself in 5 years -- career, relationship, life goals?

 

I agreed to take things slow and see where our relationship would go.

 

We both agreed that we like each other and that we would be exclusive but without the labels.

 

I don't want to waste my time and get played in the process

 

To me, you gave him license to treat this very casually . . . you reap what you sow.

 

If you want someone to date you seriously, you need to tell them you are dating for the purpose of exploring the possibility of developing a long-term, committed relationship and want to date in a way that allows that to happen which includes regular/consistent quality dating and communication and not 'hanging out" all the time.

 

Get "right" with yourself about what you want our of YOUR dating journey. If you aren't sure exactly what you want right now, take a break, because this kind of "dating" causes confusion for both parties.

 

I texted him and we are going to meet up and talk about this. I'm going to tell him what I want.

[leogirl876]

I texted him and we are going to meet up and talk about this. I'm going to tell him what I want.

 

Before you do that, find out what he wants. Don't make the mistake of telling him what you want and then have him tell you what you wanna hear to keep you around. To me, he sounds a lot like the guy i dumped back in January who I found out later had another girlfriend and was most likely seeing other women in addition to us. And he and I did an exclusive talk. I experienced the same feelings. When we were together everything felt fine, but when we were apart, I had all this anxiety and couldn't figure out why I was feeling so crazy.

 

This man told me lie after lie. From our first conversation, it was a lie. He even talked marriage and kids with me and I found out later, he had no intention at all. I really think he's a sociopath.

 

So I'd casually say something to him like "so what your goals in the next 5 years?" What kind of relationship would you ultimately like to have?

 

But regardless of what he says, you MUST go with your gut. I've made big mistakes over the years ignoring it and it's gotten me nowhere. My gut told me early on to not go out with this guy, but he seemed so charming and good on paper I thought I was being paranoid. Always, always, always listen to your gut, and watch what he does, not what he says!

[soret]

Before you do that, find out what he wants. Don't make the mistake of telling him what you want and then have him tell you what you wanna hear to keep you around. To me, he sounds a lot like the guy i dumped back in January who I found out later had another girlfriend and was most likely seeing other women in addition to us. And he and I did an exclusive talk. I experienced the same feelings. When we were together everything felt fine, but when we were apart, I had all this anxiety and couldn't figure out why I was feeling so crazy.

 

This man told me lie after lie. From our first conversation, it was a lie. He even talked marriage and kids with me and I found out later, he had no intention at all. I really think he's a sociopath.

 

So I'd casually say something to him like "so what your goals in the next 5 years?" What kind of relationship would you ultimately like to have?

 

But regardless of what he says, you MUST go with your gut. I've made big mistakes over the years ignoring it and it's gotten me nowhere. My gut told me early on to not go out with this guy, but he seemed so charming and good on paper I thought I was being paranoid. Always, always, always listen to your gut, and watch what he does, not what he says!

 

 

I asked him this question about a month ago he told me that he liked me, he is attracted to me, and that he is happy with our relationship thus far. He said he couldn't promise me a future because he wants to take things slow. I told him I agreed because of my abuse. I have a very hard time being open and trusting because I was abused and he has been patient with me when I go through things. I'm always paranoid because of this though.

 

If I ever want to talk about things he makes time for me. He asks me when and where I want to talk.

 

The main thing I want to talk about him treating our relationship super causal now. ie: not planning dates and just playing it by ear, lack of contact throughout the week now, discussing when he goes away for work and how that will effect communication.

 

All I can do is be honest with him and if he doesn't meet these expectations there are other men that will.

[Redhead14]

The poster above is right about him perhaps telling you what you want to hear, however, it's still up to you to observe and then if he's not approaching it the way you need it to be, you end it.

 

If things had been clearly stated in the beginning, I would end it now.

 

But since you weren't exactly clear about what you wanted out of your dating journey in the beginning, you are now hitting the reset button, so to speak. You let him know the kind of dating scenario you are looking for and if he says he actually wants that as well, you sit back and observe whether he starts dating you that way. The poster above is right about him perhaps telling you what you want to hear, however, it's still up to you to observe and then if he's not approaching it the way you need it to be, you end it. You make a mental time limit for yourself . . . say 2 weeks, a month (not more than that) and see if things change. If not, you end it with him.

 

Frankly, even if he's only dating for casual relationships, he's not even doing that very well . . . so don't expect too much after this talk.

 

If he says he just wants casual, you end it now. Remember you aren't asking him to tell you he wants a relationship with YOU at this point. You just want to know if you two are on the same page in terms of dating goals and if he wants to make more of an effort in the process with you to make that determination because the way things are now, the opportunity for it to develop isn't there. If he says the whole, take things slowly again, or something else that's nebulous, end it now. Slow is one thing, but disjointed and inconsistent is another.

 

Usually, I would recommend you end it right now but I think you should go through this "process" just so that you can learn from the experience and gain a little more insight about the situation so that when/if it does end, you'll have a little clarity/closure/understanding about the dating process.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Redhead14

[GemmaUK]

I'd say he is (and rightly so) protecting himself to make sure he doesn't get too involved with you.

 

I asked him before he left for vacation if he would be upset if I saw other people while he was away.

Saying the above even just followed up by saying you 'weren't considering' dating others is not a great way to instil any confidence is it?

 

I am talking to other guys right now but I don't feel like I'm doing it for the right reasons. Mainly, because I think I am doing it out of spite.

And this - well maybe he is sussing that you're already talking to others.

 

Sounds like you very much need to step away from dating to heal fully or until you figure out what you want.

[Gaeta]

I wish I could send a memo to all the single women and warned them that when a man says he wants to take things slow it means = I do not wish to be in a relationship with you but you are good enough for now.

[kendahke]

At the beginning of any involvement that's turning the corner into relationship, you have to drop the "playing coy" routine and state up front what you're looking for and ask him what his intentions are.

 

Telling someone one thing when your actions say something completely different is called sending mixed signals. It conveys to the other person that you dont' know what you want, so they will act accordingly.

[coolheadal]

I asked him this question about a month ago he told me that he liked me, he is attracted to me, and that he is happy with our relationship thus far. He said he couldn't promise me a future because he wants to take things slow. I told him I agreed because of my abuse. I have a very hard time being open and trusting because I was abused and he has been patient with me when I go through things. I'm always paranoid because of this though.

 

If I ever want to talk about things he makes time for me. He asks me when and where I want to talk.

 

The main thing I want to talk about him treating our relationship super causal now. ie: not planning dates and just playing it by ear, lack of contact throughout the week now, discussing when he goes away for work and how that will effect communication.

 

All I can do is be honest with him and if he doesn't meet these expectations there are other men that will.

 

Wow, this was easy.. The man is a player he's not interested in you long-term only short-term. It's like the saying "matter of convenience".

 

Your not going to like this and "taking things slow" in this subject here only means one thing "I am not into you nor I'm I committed to you" So in other words taking it slow just dragging you by your heels until he doesn't have anything else better to do and when he doesn't he'll reach out to you.

 

You see you are backup.. Do not contact this guy don't waste your time with him. You say to him, listen I going to take things really slower and when I feel like you should mean something to me I'll let you know chow!

 

Best advise for you drop him, block him, get away from him. Go find a real man who want's to be with you, who's interested in you and wants a future with you. Do you get it now, stop being in denial and stop being a push over! This guy is calling all the shots, and tolerate it. This is why the world is like it is in dating. You don't have any rights with him. He's doing whatever he wants. You agree to that, big mistake!

Edited April 18, 2017 by coolheadal

[Redhead14]

I wish I could send a memo to all the single women and warned them that when a man says he wants to take things slow it means = I do not wish to be in a relationship with you but you are good enough for now.

 

She told him she wanted to go slow too . . .

[Gaeta]

She told him she wanted to go slow too . . .

 

But she was lying to herself. She went along with him because she liked him and did not realized what she was agreeing to was a fwb situation. Now she sees what 'taking things slow' means and it's not what she signed for.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Gaeta