GunslingerRoland Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 Is the problem that your relationship with her is boring. ie: You guys don't do anything, you have nothing interesting to talk about... Or is it a matter that you want the thrill that you don't know what to expect from the relationship itself? Because the first one you can work on, and you also can't blame her for completely. You need to find new interests, maybe new friends, etc. if that is the issue. If it's the second one, then you aren't as ready to settle down as you like to think you are. You're getting older, do you see yourself married in a couple of years? With kids? You need to start picturing what you really want your life to be. (not what others tell you it should be) 1
thecrucible Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 I actually have Anxiety so I can relate to your need to feel excitement all the time. I was in toxic relationships too because of that. I didn't deliberately seek out terrible people, it's just how I interpreted love and butterflies back then. I know now that 'love' isn't the butterflies you feel from those kinds of situations. For a long time, I was commitment-phobic. I thought a long term settled relationship was what I wanted but I'd mentally check out as soon as it hinted at becoming something more serious. I've changed now. I don't know what it was that prompted that change of mindset. I did date a few 'the one that got away' kind of guys. It was only after letting go that I realised what I'd missed out on but it also taught me that I was rejecting the decent kind of guy that I actually needed to be with. And I'm tired of emotional ups and downs. I don't think relationships have to be exciting all of the time but I think you can build excitement into your relationship by planning things to do together and by having your own interests outside of the relationship. I reassure myself that it's okay for things not to be exciting all the time. For me the need for excitement isn't directly related to romantic relationships - it's part of my personality since childhood and related to my Anxiety. Are you the same? A few things to think about: - The excitement is going to wear off in every relationship after you've spent enough time together. If you date a new person, the same thing will happen and you'll go through cycles of these kinds of relationships. - Be honest. Are you really ready to settle down? Or are you just thinking that you should because your peers are doing it or you've had questions from family members? - All relationships have their ebb and flow and this is normal. It may just be that you're going through a phase and you can discuss it and work through it. - Are you thinking that 'the One' might still be out there? I think we all think that from time to time but really you've got to love the one you're with. You get far more satisfaction that way because you're growing with each other.
healing light Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 You are still young. So don't think you have to settle down if you are not feeling it right now; it's much worse to get married and divorce than to break up before children are involved. That being said, do you feel smothered by her? How much time do you spend together vs. alone? Since you seem to want to rekindle the spark you once had, I would suggest spending more time apart cultivating other interests and hobbies without the other person so that when you converse you have something to share with one another. Shake it up a bit. Try doing activities you've never done before, both with and without the other person. Date her as if you're courting her for the first time, come up with new and exciting plans. See how that affects how you feel.
winterkeep Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I think that there's probably too much at stake to rely in the advice from an anonymous forum! LS is great but people post from their own perspective, experience and pain so advice is often subjective. I'm a bit like you, I love the thrill and have felt as though I can only really love so done if they don't want me. I have massive FOO issues which I think have contributed to this plus I like challenges, I'm always chasing the next high in my career and personal life (risky or competitive adventure sports etc). BUT! I realised how limiting this was in romantic relationships, I've done a lot if reading and have learnt that love is a choice, and sparks really don't last forever as relationships evolve. These nothing wrong with you if you decide to leave, it happens and you've done nothing wrong but I think you owe it to the both of you to seek counselling first.
OatsAndHall Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 This is a case of the "reals versus feels", my friend. You are with a woman that you claim to have loved at one point and stood by your side through thick and thin. I think you need to find a way to make this work. Find ways to rekindle your relationship with her and go from there. I imagine that part of the reason why you're attracted to women that treat you poorly is because there is that continual "spark" from the drama that goes along in the relationship. Those ups and downs keep you coming back for more especially if you feel like you need to prove yourself to a woman who doesn't treat you well. Trust me, it becomes harder and harder to find quality significant others as you get older; the herd becomes thinned and the pickings become slim. So, don't focus on the negatives and start focusing on the positives you have in your relationship. Do you think that people who have been married for 30+ years have the same relationship they had when they started dating?
Kamille Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 This is about how you regulate your emotions. It has little to do with her or your relationship for that matter. You say your anxiety leads you to seek excitement at all times, makes it so you can't physically be bored. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you manage your anxiety? You don't have to live with anxiety. I'm also struck by the fact that the way you describe your allergy to boredom sounds like an addiction to excitement. Have you had to deal with addiction in your life? Is that what she's helped you through? Is it possible that the current issue you're having with your otherwise loving relationship is related to this? As in, now that you've kicked one source of anxiety-managing-excitement out of your life, you're turning to your relationship to provide another form of it? My point is: there's help out there if you want to put the work in to get over your addiction to excitement.
BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I couldn't have stumbled upon this post at any more suitable time. I hope that LS members can see that the OP and myself are not nasty people and we're genuinely here for sound, helpful and non-condescending advice. I am in a stage where the same applies in my current relationship. I feel like we don't have 'chemistry'... 'attraction'... whether that is physical or emotional. Likewise my SO has been with me to hell and back in our very rocky last 6 months we've had together. (She is also a rebound that i'm fighting like f***k to see through to our conclusion - be that together or not). I won't leave a stone unturned to try and make it work. I am also here to look for guidance on this matter because alike the OP I just lack attraction for her whilst she's very attracted to me. I was head over heels in love with my Ex (whom was v.attractive/ had chemistry) whom had very manipulative and controlling tendencies. I have had depression since that breakup and continue to see a therapist occasionally and take 'light' SRIs. I am completely lost and confused over what to do about my relationship with her. She's loving, caring, supportive... everything a life partner should be... but i'm not 'clicking' with her. Something in my gut is screaming at me that it's wrong. We lack conversation that doesn't orientate around 'us'... Can chemistry grow or attraction flourish when it wasn't there all along? In the space where this normally prospers at the start of the relationship I was a complete mess and 'used' her as a crutch, something I'm not proud of but I've grown to really like who she is. Problem is it's not the 'in love' feeling. I honestly want to get that feeling with her, or again in my life at least... but can you if that physical/chemical connection isn't there?! Like the OP, I find myself fantasizing about others, not my ex but just generally... and it's becoming more and more regular. It puts you off and i'm often asked now why I'm not wanting to have sex with her. She's a beautiful girl with a an even more beautiful heart.. that i can't bare hurting any more.. Why is it that I fell madly in love with a controlling / manipulative blonde 'princess' but I don't feel like I can continue with a caring / attentive / loving Queen?!.... Humbly looking for honest advice for myself and the OP. Best Regards
Author Ilikeevilwomen Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 I feel your pain brother ^ It's not a nice situation to be in for anyone, and it is not nice to be so confused. I was speaking to my friend today who actually said something interesting 'if your girl was to breakup with you, leave your life and fall deeply in love with someone else.. how would it make you feel?' Deep down I know, it would tear me apart. Maybe not at first but with time, I would regret it so awfully. I don't know why me and brokenheartedman89 seem to only be infatuated with women who don't really love us, sad but true. When my current girlfriend didn't show me any interest, i was thinking about her like mad.. every second of the day! And our conversations were mind blowing and could go on forever. So there was definitely a click there. But it's like the more she loved me, the more I didn't love her back. It's awful. But then, whenever we don't speak... I can't seem to not speak to her for more than a few days without feeling like my life is so empty. Honestly it's such a horrible dilemma. Brokenheartedman89, I think we both need to stay with these incredible women, mature up and realize that in life it's not all about the chase, the butterflies and excitement. It's about having a girl, a queen! A queen who lifts you up when you are down, who goes through the worst times of your life with you and supports you through everything, who has your back, who you can trust with your life. Cause life don't get easier with the years and it's important to have the right woman on ur side. Btw, one poster asked if I'm addicted to anything and I want to clarify that I haven't ever had addiction problems, however I would say I am addicted to always having a good time, to always be on a 'hype'.. I don't know why I have to feel that adrenaline rush.. but I do. I'm not sure if it's a result of anxiety or.. maybe I'm just very unhappy inside.. I really don't know.
VeveCakes Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Soooooo why is your girlfriends job to make your life exciting? You're bored - find excitement elsewhere. It doesn't have to come from your relationship. Do you have hobbies? Does she? Is there something you could get into together? Do you do anything or just hang out on the couch? Why not travel, go sky diving, the races, train for a marathon together? Relationships are supposed to be stable. Life is what you make it. Don't blame your gf because you're a boring soul yourself. 3
Zahara Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) Ive had girlfriends before who have excited me alot alot more...but they have been absolutely awful. Cheating, lying, manipulating behaviours from them. I suffered alot with one of them. But the excitement was there? You like drama and are attracted to painful relationships. You translate toxicity as excitement. It could be something from your past childhood, self-esteem issues, co-dependency, etc. Anything that is calm and consistent isn't interesting to you because you've been used to volatility and pain. It's all you've known. Your girlfriend offers a very different perspective but unfortunately, it's hard for you to digest and accept a good thing because it's not part of your nature. It would be best for you to seek counseling to figure out why you prefer being treated badly rather embrace being loved. This isn't about your girlfriend anymore. Edited April 19, 2017 by Zahara 1
Silverstring Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I agree with the posters that suggest therapy and that it likely has to do with your childhood. I suspect you weren't raised in a safe, stable environment where love was consistent. Also, how does it feel when you're "bored". Do you feel empty? Do you feel like there's a void? If so, these could be signs of a personality disorder.. Safe and stable are hallmarks of healthy relationships. Your GF makes you feel safe. This is a GOOD thing! 2
morrowrd Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 you are obsessed with the excitement of the chase, and the newness of a relationship. What you have caught, is an opportunity of a lifetime. A girl who is in love with you unconditionally, has proven herself, and honestly I'm shocked that you have lost your attraction. Before you make a BIG mistake, survey things....like YOURSELF. If your bored, depressed, etc, those things will get in the way in life. Don't blame your girlfriend, fix yourself and you'll thank me. You'll come out the other end, glad you didn't break up with her. What a mega regret you will avoid! 1
OatsAndHall Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I feel your pain brother ^ It's not a nice situation to be in for anyone, and it is not nice to be so confused. I was speaking to my friend today who actually said something interesting 'if your girl was to breakup with you, leave your life and fall deeply in love with someone else.. how would it make you feel?' Deep down I know, it would tear me apart. Maybe not at first but with time, I would regret it so awfully. I don't know why me and brokenheartedman89 seem to only be infatuated with women who don't really love us, sad but true. When my current girlfriend didn't show me any interest, i was thinking about her like mad.. every second of the day! And our conversations were mind blowing and could go on forever. So there was definitely a click there. But it's like the more she loved me, the more I didn't love her back. It's awful. But then, whenever we don't speak... I can't seem to not speak to her for more than a few days without feeling like my life is so empty. Honestly it's such a horrible dilemma. Brokenheartedman89, I think we both need to stay with these incredible women, mature up and realize that in life it's not all about the chase, the butterflies and excitement. It's about having a girl, a queen! A queen who lifts you up when you are down, who goes through the worst times of your life with you and supports you through everything, who has your back, who you can trust with your life. Cause life don't get easier with the years and it's important to have the right woman on ur side. Btw, one poster asked if I'm addicted to anything and I want to clarify that I haven't ever had addiction problems, however I would say I am addicted to always having a good time, to always be on a 'hype'.. I don't know why I have to feel that adrenaline rush.. but I do. I'm not sure if it's a result of anxiety or.. maybe I'm just very unhappy inside.. I really don't know. I think that you're on the right track here. When I was much younger than you, I had a wonderful girlfriend for three years. She always treated me well, we went through some awful times together and she put up with my crap. But, I got bored with the relationship, lost sight of what I had and screwed around on her. She broke up with me (as well she should have), we got back together off and on for a about a year and then I got bored (again..) and called it off with her. She is now married with two kids and I couldn't be happier for her. But, she will always be "the one that got away" for me. So, don't make choices that are reactionary and could have life-long repercussions. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 Perhaps you should consider opening up to her and telling her that you are missing the "excitement" factor in your relationship? You never know, she actually might be willing to accommodate you in some way, such as teasing you, or spicing things up and keeping you on your toes. She may have no idea that is what you desire, and is trying to make you feel secure and safe instead. If you value your relationship then at least give her the opportunity to work through it together. She may not want to change things, but at least she will know where she stands with you. If nothing else, you will both know that you tried. Surely that is better than blindsiding her with a breakup that she never had the chance of fixing? You only need to look at the breakup threads here to see how many people wish they knew their exes were unhappy so they had a chance to fix it. Maybe this is your opportunity to give her that? 1
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 The thrill does die down some and lull in a rship often as comfort sets in. But there should still be some left. I think this compatibility, forreal. A person can seem perfect on paper - sweet, caring, intelligent, good looking, but something that just doesn't do it for you. You seemed to only like her because you thought you couldn't have her at first. . Or maybe you are a bit masochistic and addicted to drama
olivetree Posted April 20, 2017 Posted April 20, 2017 (edited) I agree with the posters that suggest therapy and that it likely has to do with your childhood. I suspect you weren't raised in a safe, stable environment where love was consistent. This. I think an unstable childhood has led to you being turned off and bored. I think you don't feel worthy of real love but you don't realize it. You subconsciously think something is wrong with her for loving you so easily, because deep down you think that something is wrong with you. So you get turned off. Boredom in a relationship usually isn't boredom at all. It's actually because you feel disconnected. I think you feel disconnected because you're turned off, and also because you thrive on intense highs and lows. Edited April 20, 2017 by olivetree
BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 I don't know if this really all rings true with me (unloved childhood and all that).. i don't know about the OP... It's not that we like to have people emotionally abuse us abd manipulate us... I think it's more having physical attraction through your interactions (playfulness/banter) as well as looks that creates that attraction that's required in a relationship. When all the conversation is just either serious, lovey dovey or 'deep'.... where is the attraction going to build that get's you to that point of serious attachment/attraction...? Don't get me wrong it's not all physical. I've dated girls previously for a while that were very attractive but we didn't really click with our humour so it never really went anywhere... I had a frank conversation with my gf the other night and said that I'm wanting us to have more fun together, that's doing things we both enjoy and just being a bit silly/playful... How important it is to me and I want it so that i really want to spend time with her....hopefuly it get's better now. If not at least i've tried... Hope your situation improves OP.
PinkElephants Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 She's loving, caring, supportive... everything a life partner should be... but i'm not 'clicking' with her. Something in my gut is screaming at me that it's wrong I understand you guys. My ex was an unstable person. He was manipulative, a liar, his life was one crisis after another and the drama was never-ending. Things were never boring but, holy crap, did it get exhausting. After a couple years of non-stop bs I left him and decided to date someone his exact opposite. I met a guy who was sweet, thoughtful, stable, bland, and physically unattractive. It was boring. I realized I wasn't just bored but irritated because he was starting to show major insecurity. There'd never been any spark to begin with so there was nothing to fix or regain. I left him and didn't regret it. Then I met my boyfriend. The chemistry was fierce and immediate. We had such a blast travelling, going out, and staying up all night talking about whatever. Then we had a baby. We were both lucky enough to be home with her but we spent the first several months sleeping in shifts and just trying to survive. We helped each other out a lot but didn't see each other as often as we wanted and our quiet time was soon punctuated by crying. We reached a point where we looked at each other and realized that as much as we were having fun with our daughter we weren't having much fun together anymore. So what did we do? We fixed it. We put in effort. The spark had been there so we fought to get it back. We're lucky to have two sets of grandparents who are hungrily grabbing for baby time so we go on dates, go to movies, concerts, or away for a night. If we're home with the baby we get a six pack of beer and a bottle of bubble bath. We take her to the park to tumble in the grass and play on the slide and then get a bite and a glass of wine while she sleeps it off in the stroller. We found the fun again and are very happy. If this matters to you then work at it. Ask her opinion on things, plan dates, buy a bath bomb, ride rollercoasters, do something to find a thrill while not upsetting what you know is stable and healthy. If this relationship simply will not satisfy or you're trying to manufacture chemistry that was never there then leave. But do something. Btw, one poster asked if I'm addicted to anything and I want to clarify that I haven't ever had addiction problems, however I would say I am addicted to always having a good time, to always be on a 'hype'.. I don't know why I have to feel that adrenaline rush.. I knew someone like this. He ruined his life. The rush became more important than being healthy or practical. People started abandoning him due to the drama, myself included. Get this need sorted out before you self-destruct too. Is there any way to find a woman like that, who makes me feel safe and loved and is genuinely my best friend.. but who also keeps me on my toes and that I can chase through life? You need to start by clearly identifying what you want your future to look like. It's not possible to feel safe and loved while your wife is lying and cheating on you. So do you want to feel safe and loved or do you want to feel excitement because your relationship is volatile? Either choice is fine but have realistic expectations of how you'll feel and what life will be like. I genuinely always though that the exciting feeling is always there and that two people don't get bored of eachorher. I still don't know whether that is true or not.... It can be true if you put in effort. It sounds like you're not trying so, no, you're not going to succeed at maintaining excitement unless you jump back into toxicity. Relationships take work. Try it.
Nothingtolose Posted April 28, 2017 Posted April 28, 2017 When all the conversation is just either serious, lovey dovey or 'deep'.... where is the attraction going to build that get's you to that point of serious attachment/attraction...? I've been in this exact situation before and my partner also, like you, complained all of our conversations were serious/deep/about us, and he was missing just normal playful/silly interactions. The reason all conversations were 'serious' was because I felt unloved/unsafe/insecure and didn't know where I REALLY stood with him and his love, so I felt the constant need for reassurance., and it was very difficult to just relax and have fun with that cloud hanging over my head. When HE put in the effort to make me feel more wanted/loved/appreciated, I could then relax and be my normal fun and playful self, without the need to have deep discussions about us.
smackie9 Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 Take it from someone who has been with her partner for over 27 years.....you must have a lot in common that you both feel passionate about, but also able to bring new interests into it that carries on the passion. Plus having a life outside the relationship, doing your own thing is key to keeping things fresh. You need to enjoy your me time. If you lost that loving feeling, then you are not with the right person, so why push it....it happens after the honeymoon phase is over for many.
DanSCL Posted April 29, 2017 Posted April 29, 2017 Hi. IMO, you are having two issues. And the fact that you are sensing that something “may be wrong with you” tells you that… well you are right. Your girl is amazing to you. She’s filling all your universe with powerful and amazing emotions. She’s held your back countless of times. You have a keeper right there. You my friend are not feeling the excitement for her, because you’ve lost the excitement for your self. The fact that you long for the excitement that cheating, manipulating women have given you, is another evidence that you may have low self-esteem. You like women to beat you down… in your inner core you think that you don’t deserve the affection and love that your current gf provides… so you are already sabotaging that. You are not harnessing the power of being THE MAN. Your plans is to “settle down soon” and you talk about “Is there any way to find a woman like that who makes me feel safe and loved and is genuinely my best friend… but who also keeps me on my toes and that I can chase through life?” No disrespect but that’s mostly your feminine side speaking. For any relationship to work there has to be polarity. She’s doing her job as you described, but you are living in lala land. How you polarize yourself? find your purpose… what you are good at and then go all in for that… you KNOW you have an amazing woman that has your back -she’s proven that before- Read something from Nathaniel Branden. He’s a pioneer on self esteem psychology. Best Of luck.
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