losing my best friend cuz he doesn't feel the same..

[sandrawg]

I am so depressed. I feel like i'm in a hole and can't dig my way out. Been struggling, crying a good part of the weekend...

 

So, in January I met this guy, from a FB group. I live in Philly and he lives in New York. He was a great writer, and smart, and we hit it off. We started IM'ing and FB chatting, and talking on the phone right away. I decided to take my time and get to know him--plus I had a lot going on that month.

 

I finally went to visit him. He took me to a nice dinner, then we went back to his place. I ended up sleeping with him but I didn't think it was a big deal because I felt like we already knew each other, from having talked on the phone every night for a month.

 

He was really sweet to me. Really great to me..my biggest fan. So supportive. We dated for a month. I mean, literally, texting and calling each other every day..I really thought things were going somewhere.

 

However...there was one thing giving me pause. He would talk about these awesome women he'd dated, that he ended up breaking up with because he wasn't in love with them. Some of these women, he dated for a while..I started to think, if he's that way with me, I wanna know right away. We were still making plans to hang out together, in the future..but I went ahead and brought up the question of, does he see that happening with me? The whole "I'm not in love with you" thing?

 

SAdly, he then confessed, he'd been freaking out because he didn't want to hurt me, but he wasn't feeling love for me. Yes, he adored me, but not in the way I needed. Not sure how he could know that after 2 months, but he thinks it happens fast. I don't. I feel like you have to get to know someone.

 

I was becoming attached to him, tho. So this was heartbreaking.

 

I tried to cut off contact with him but he begged me not to kick him out of my life.

 

He said I was really his only friend (not exactly true. i know he has other friends.)

 

Then he told me, one of the reasons he couldn't proceed romantically with me was because I reminded him too much of his mom, in my looks, and mannerisms..I thought ok, well, I can understand that. So I tried to be "just friends."

 

We would still talk for hours every day.

 

I waited a couple weeks to see him again. I finally visited him on Friday, because he was gonna give me some of his work (he's a video editor) and wanted to train me.

 

It was painful. I just wanted to touch him and kiss him, and I couldn't. And then at the end of the day it was clear I couldn't stay over, not unless i was willing to sleep on an air mattress. Oh and he introduced me to a lesbian friend of his, and was wondering if I might want to date her...so then I could come visit more often..

 

it was so confusing and hard.

 

I texted him after and told him, this is awkward.

 

He said, it'll get better and "I'm such a better friend than a boyfriend. I'm a not fun boyfriend but a very fun friend."

 

This whole thing spun me off into a very deep depression.

 

He kept texting me Saturday asking if I was ok, and calling me, and I didn't kno wwhat to say to him. The last thing I wanted was him reiterating WHY we can't be together.

 

I have been in a hole ever since.

 

He texted me "don't be mad at me." I said "I'm not mad. I'm crazy about you. That's my problem."

 

I've tried to talk to him since I sent him that, but he's ignoring me.

 

I finally just left him a voicemail message that I'm sorry, I thought I could be friends but I can't. And hopefully we can at least talk to say goodbye?

 

I am so lost. he's been my everything for 3 months. My support..my best friend..the person who makes me laugh more than anything. Just to see his smile, is my sunshine. I was living for that.

 

Now all I can do is cry.

[d0nnivain]

This guy is a player of sorts. He wanted & got sex from you. If you continue being his friend next time you see him he will expect more NSA sex. He's only about the sex but he's willing to placate you with a few calls & texts

 

 

Continue interacting with him at your own risk.

 

 

Going forward reserve the title best friend for somebody who has been there for you for more than a year. I'm going to see 2 of my best friends later today because we will all be attending the wake of the mother of another childhood friend. These women have been by my side for over 40 years; not 3 months.

[sandrawg]

Nah, he didn't still want sex.

 

When I visited him Friday, he talked about getting me an air mattress if I was going to stay over, and I decided to just leave.

 

No sexual contact anymore whatsoever.

 

He does LITERALLY JUST want to be friends.

[d0nnivain]

But since that is hurting you because you would have liked more, you have to stop allowing him to hurt you.

[sandrawg]

Yeah I know you're right.

 

It's like pulling off a band-aid.

 

It hurts a LOT right now, but it'll hurt less in the long run.

 

I guess.

[Tressugar]

Damn that sex!!!! It does it every friggin' time! The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

[sandrawg]

Yeah well, it wasn't all about that.

 

We really had an amazing connection. He made me laugh like nobody in the world. We even worked on a couple of writing projects together, and that's partially why it was so hard to walk away.

 

Like I said, he was really sweet to me, and very supportive and kind.

[Miss Spider]

Hookup culture has made like a playground for guys like these. Women who have feelings for these guys are giving them all they want from them first (sex) and companionship, then asking questions later, and are surprised when they hem and haw or outright ghost or turn them down when commitment comes up.

 

Long distance talk. You fell for him. You came out to see him and slept together. You're thinking great set up for a rship, He's thinking great set up for a fling. He continues to use you for company/emotional support/hookup in the horizon for a month but when you bring up the idea of commitment he doesn't have feelings that way, sorry, but he still wants you around for emotional support despite the obvious feelings you have for him. His feelings are more important then yours, clearly.

 

Sorry this happened. If he's a better friend than bf as he says, I shudder to think what kind of bf he is.

[sandrawg]

Good point..

[Redhead14]

I am so depressed. I feel like i'm in a hole and can't dig my way out. Been struggling, crying a good part of the weekend...

 

So, in January I met this guy, from a FB group. I live in Philly and he lives in New York. He was a great writer, and smart, and we hit it off. We started IM'ing and FB chatting, and talking on the phone right away. I decided to take my time and get to know him--plus I had a lot going on that month.

 

I finally went to visit him. He took me to a nice dinner, then we went back to his place. I ended up sleeping with him but I didn't think it was a big deal because I felt like we already knew each other, from having talked on the phone every night for a month.

 

He was really sweet to me. Really great to me..my biggest fan. So supportive. We dated for a month. I mean, literally, texting and calling each other every day..I really thought things were going somewhere.

 

However...there was one thing giving me pause. He would talk about these awesome women he'd dated, that he ended up breaking up with because he wasn't in love with them. Some of these women, he dated for a while..I started to think, if he's that way with me, I wanna know right away. We were still making plans to hang out together, in the future..but I went ahead and brought up the question of, does he see that happening with me? The whole "I'm not in love with you" thing?

 

SAdly, he then confessed, he'd been freaking out because he didn't want to hurt me, but he wasn't feeling love for me. Yes, he adored me, but not in the way I needed. Not sure how he could know that after 2 months, but he thinks it happens fast. I don't. I feel like you have to get to know someone.

 

I was becoming attached to him, tho. So this was heartbreaking.

 

I tried to cut off contact with him but he begged me not to kick him out of my life.

 

He said I was really his only friend (not exactly true. i know he has other friends.)

 

Then he told me, one of the reasons he couldn't proceed romantically with me was because I reminded him too much of his mom, in my looks, and mannerisms..I thought ok, well, I can understand that. So I tried to be "just friends."

 

We would still talk for hours every day.

 

I waited a couple weeks to see him again. I finally visited him on Friday, because he was gonna give me some of his work (he's a video editor) and wanted to train me.

 

It was painful. I just wanted to touch him and kiss him, and I couldn't. And then at the end of the day it was clear I couldn't stay over, not unless i was willing to sleep on an air mattress. Oh and he introduced me to a lesbian friend of his, and was wondering if I might want to date her...so then I could come visit more often..

 

it was so confusing and hard.

 

I texted him after and told him, this is awkward.

 

He said, it'll get better and "I'm such a better friend than a boyfriend. I'm a not fun boyfriend but a very fun friend."

 

This whole thing spun me off into a very deep depression.

 

He kept texting me Saturday asking if I was ok, and calling me, and I didn't kno wwhat to say to him. The last thing I wanted was him reiterating WHY we can't be together.

 

I have been in a hole ever since.

 

He texted me "don't be mad at me." I said "I'm not mad. I'm crazy about you. That's my problem."

 

I've tried to talk to him since I sent him that, but he's ignoring me.

 

I finally just left him a voicemail message that I'm sorry, I thought I could be friends but I can't. And hopefully we can at least talk to say goodbye?

 

I am so lost. he's been my everything for 3 months. My support..my best friend..the person who makes me laugh more than anything. Just to see his smile, is my sunshine. I was living for that.

 

Now all I can do is cry.

 

I am so lost. he's been my everything for 3 months. My support..my best friend..the person who makes me laugh more than anything. Just to see his smile, is my sunshine. I was living for that. -- Never put so much of yourself into a relationship so soon.

 

And, did you two ever have a conversation about overall dating goals fairly soon in the development of things?

 

To me it really sounds like he wasn't dating for a relationship, he's just casually dating. He was honest with you at least now and that's a good thing.

 

He would talk about these awesome women he'd dated, that he ended up breaking up with because he wasn't in love with them. Some of these women, he dated for a while..

 

"I'm such a better friend than a boyfriend. I'm a not fun boyfriend but a very fun friend."

 

These are, what I call, disclaimer statements -- I'm not really good with nor do I really want a relationship and I'm not good at it, so don't get/be attached to me.

 

He understands that you want more than he can or wants to give you and knows that it's difficult to sit on the other side of the table from someone as just friends when deep down you really want more.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling, but you just gotta do yourself the favor of cutting contact/expecting anything more from him and move forward with your life.

[preraph]

One thing contradictory. You were mad because he already knew he didn't love you because you said you thought that takes time -- but you think you already love him after this short period, so that's no different.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry you are disappointed. When a guy says he makes a better friend than boyfriend, believe him, and that's not a good thing about him. It probably just means he cheats and plays. So be glad he told you the truth, and you did the right thing bailing out on the friend part. To him, that probably only means no-strings sex.

 

You were in love with who you hoped he'd be. He's not that person.

[sandrawg]

I keep pointing out, he doesn't WANT sex. He really DID just want a friendship.

 

That's another part of the problem for me.

 

Anyway, you're all right, I need to pull away from him.

 

I wasn't mad, btw. And I wasn't in love. Just very attached. Growing into loving him, tho, for sure.

[Popsicle]

If you really like a guy but he starts talking about other women he likes or doting about his past, that's your early cue to exit. This won't be a good relationship.

[sandrawg]

If you really like a guy but he starts talking about other women he likes or doting about his past, that's your early cue to exit. This won't be a good relationship.

 

It wasn't like that.

 

We would talk about prior relationships, and he kept saying that in his prior rel'ships, he'd date a woman for a long time, then they'd break up because he didn't love her.

 

The only reason I brought that up, is because it seemed like a pattern of him staying in rel'ships where the feelings were one-sided. That prompted me to ask him what was up with US.

 

I did not wanna end up like any of those women.

 

And that's when he confessed, he was freaking out about hurting me because he didn't have feelings for me, either.

 

(despite making future plans with me BEFORE I brought up, "where are we headed" *smh*)

[stillafool]

He's probably a guy who feels the next best thing is right around the corner so he doesn't want to be tied down. You did the right thing by clarifying your relationship before you went further. BTW this guy is not your best friend as I'm sure he doesn't consider you his either this early. As others have said at least he was honest so you don't have to wonder anymore. Him not wanting sex with you anymore is definitely the friend zone. You were right to not settle for it if you wanted more.

[sandrawg]

Thanks. Yeah, I know I'm doing the right thing, it just hurts a lot.

 

More than I thought it would.

 

After he texted me on Saturday to please "not be mad" at him, and I texted back 'I'm not mad. I'm crazy about you. That's the problem."

 

I haven't heard a peep from him.

 

I emailed him and said, I am really struggling, and it's harder than i thought it would be, to be friends with him when I want more. I said, I am trying to figure out how to distance myself. I know I can't continue talking to him for 1-2 hrs every night..

 

I texted him a cpl times after that..tried to call..he's ignoring me now.

 

At least you'd think we could say goodbye to each other, but I guess this is for the best.

 

He didn't defriend me on Facebook or anything. I'm wondering if I should defriend him.

[OnlyHonesty]

I am so lost. he's been my everything for 3 months. My support..my best friend..the person who makes me laugh more than anything. Just to see his smile, is my sunshine. I was living for that.

 

 

One should never make someone else their whole world, for if they leave, then you are left with no planet. Better to be your own world, and then let another orbit your planet. Be your own sun, your own moon, and your own star, so that another can add to your solar system, but not become your entire Galaxy, lest they leave.

[sandrawg]

One should never make someone else their whole world, for if they leave, then you are left with no planet. Better to be your own world, and then let another orbit your planet. Be your own sun, your own moon, and your own star, so that another can add to your solar system, but not become your entire Galaxy, lest they leave.

 

You are very right. Thank you.

[Zahara]

After he texted me on Saturday to please "not be mad" at him, and I texted back 'I'm not mad. I'm crazy about you. That's the problem."

 

I haven't heard a peep from him.

 

He can't and doesn't want to deal with your expectations as well as your level of emotional investment. The best thing to do would be to ignore you rather than experience any sort of guilt or worst off, lead you on.

 

At least you'd think we could say goodbye to each other, but I guess this is for the best.

 

There is no need to say goodbye. You both came to the conclusion that there is no good outcome from this, so let it go. "Goodbye" is your fear of letting go and hoping for that one last hit.

 

He didn't defriend me on Facebook or anything. I'm wondering if I should defriend him.

 

Yes, because if you happen to see him with another woman, it's going to send you spiraling again. Plus, you'd likely keep track of his profile and that in turn will keep you attached and unable to move on.