Ex contacting my mother AGAIN [UPDATE: Hand written bread-crumbs note]

[Corsican1]

Hello all, I'm new here 50 days post Breakup and I just

realized that I broke NC 3 weeks after the BU when the Exes close friend reached out to me in hoping that we could still be friends at some point. I answered the friend back in a vague way not saying one way yes or no... but I did give her an update on my healing... I suppose all that info must have filtered back to the Ex. Oh well... I can't undo it so I'll need to subtract 21 days from my NC 48 days = 27 days. That sucks... I was kinda proud of the 48 days.

 

So here is the latest development... I can't control whose communicates with who and people like to talk. So the Ex reaches out to my mother by email last week on the anniversary of my fathers death saying a mushy thinking of you both (her and I) on this difficult day. Mother politely replied thanks and god bless. The next day the Ex replies back saying how she misses her SO MUCH... (no mention of me, and that's fine) but then goes on to adamantly state how she is OK in "following her heart" and ending things with me. All unsolicited of course. Obviously she's in a remorseful state and is suffering some guilt.

 

I found it to be a little disrespectful of my post BU boundaries on her part however I choose to not try to influence peoples decisions whether or not to communicate. I see this as merely a disturbance to my NC but it is a subtle nuance of the NC that doesn't get much airplay.

 

????? Any thoughts on the NC nuance described above i.e. the reaching out to mother and also the unsolicited being adamant about it that she is doing the right thing (for herself obviously) ???? Personally I would've filed that under some things are better kept to yourself.

 

 

I also have to add finally that she "lost the attraction" thing exactly word for word out of HUNKs recent post. Built up the whole negative emotional image of me and worked up the courage to finally pull that trigger after 7 years together (6 good + 1 spent back-peddling in the emotional background).

 

I have no expectations of reconciliation and frankly if it were offered at this point and I were to follow "my heart" I'd have to say NO THANK YOU !!!

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, one of the worst mistakes I made during my separation and divorce was not establishing boundaries with her family and friends. They contacted me continually and wanted to know what was going on as they weren't getting the full story from her. I was angry that she wasn't being honest and these people were my friends as well so I filled in the gaps in the "story". It got back to her and it was a nightmare.

[Altair0770]

She reached out to your mother and said basically, "I made the correct decision"? Your momma should go slap her. Mine would. Literally mine would, but obviously I'm kidding.

 

As long as your mom doesn't give any updates about you, what you're doing, and any personal information I wouldn't consider it a break in NC. Just have a talk with your mom. If your ex asks her about how you're doing, just let her know to not reveal any information. Just a simple "he's doing good" is fine, and not a break in NC.

 

However, a "He's doing good, he just got a new promotion and haircut" is too much. She gets to know nothing. Let the guilt and curiosity build up and eventually she will reach out to you.

[BC1980]

You can't control other people. Only yourself. Hopefully, her contact with your family will eventually stop. That's what usually happens. Until then, ask your family not to let you know if your ex talks to them.

[Marc878]

Have your mom block Her and you do the same if you haven't.

[Corsican1]

Please weigh in on the dreaded 'I love you but I`m not 'in love' with you !'

and lets hear your situations when dealt this hand. I want to know the % chance of someone exiting a reasonably healthy relationship to be alone.

To me, in my experience, this almost never happens. Their attraction for you wanes in the presense of another... I call it fighting a ghost or a cloud. None of it makes any sense otherwise... but in the end unless you stalk them youll never know by going NC. I asked most recent Ex straight up at breakup if there was someone else on the horizon and she looked straight at me and said no. I know it was a lie because she cannot be alone for 2 second or she feels like climbing the walls...

 

Also

I have read some posts back as far as 2003 with some unfortunate loving boyfriend getting this thrown in his face... being frienzoned ...

some others are in the process of being overlapped (monkey branched) by just a friend waiting in the wings on FB..

 

Others suggest the dreaded phrase is a page straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

In my case, I personally had this happen to me years ago and now it seems to have happened again. You just can`t trust anyone ever to just wake up one day and change their mind about you. Yes ... old GF was cheating ... they always lie and say theres no one else in the picture... I guess its out of fear to protect the new person and not end up on an episode of dateline ... but again the most recent Ex

[ExpatInItaly]

I have said this to an ex, because it was true.

 

There was nobody else.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Yes, it has happened to me. My ex broke up with me because he 'lost feelings' even though the relationship was only 6 months... I found him on a Dating site the other day which I believe was set up a few months ago. Saying he is 'looking for a relationship' and listing all the things he wants in a girl. While I've been abandoned and am still completely heartbroken. It sucks.

[Maldives]

Please weigh in on the dreaded 'I love you but I`m not 'in love' with you !'

and lets hear your situations when dealt this hand. I want to know the % chance of someone exiting a reasonably healthy relationship to be alone.

To me, in my experience, this almost never happens. Their attraction for you wanes in the presense of another... I call it fighting a ghost or a cloud. None of it makes any sense otherwise... but in the end unless you stalk them youll never know by going NC. I asked most recent Ex straight up at breakup if there was someone else on the horizon and she looked straight at me and said no. I know it was a lie because she cannot be alone for 2 second or she feels like climbing the walls...

 

Also

I have read some posts back as far as 2003 with some unfortunate loving boyfriend getting this thrown in his face... being frienzoned ...

some others are in the process of being overlapped (monkey branched) by just a friend waiting in the wings on FB..

 

Others suggest the dreaded phrase is a page straight out of the cheaters handbook.

 

In my case, I personally had this happen to me years ago and now it seems to have happened again. You just can`t trust anyone ever to just wake up one day and change their mind about you. Yes ... old GF was cheating ... they always lie and say theres no one else in the picture... I guess its out of fear to protect the new person and not end up on an episode of dateline ... but again the most recent Ex

ye the most recent ex said this and for mths i tried to get intel but couldnt but just so happens there is someone but ugly as lol we all work together. i believe if there not seeing them already they have them as a prospect 100 percent woman are the biggest liars wen it comes to that theyll never admit it. my ex hasnt updated her profile on fb yet and i know why he doesnt wanna look like the bad person even tho she is in this instance she hung off me till her situation improved and waited till we had a fight. very clever shes still keeping it a secret

[fromheart]

There's no point in continuing the relationship if she comes out with something like that. I'd leave straight away, as it suggests low attraction. If you stay there hoping it will work out, what follows is her controlling and eventually abusing you for being weak.

 

If you walk away, you readdress the power and show a high level of self respect. Stick around waiting for it to sort itself out, and its highly possible she'll go off with someone else.

 

If she wants to be friends, you could always ask if she could introduce you to her hot friend, as that's what friends do for one another. If she doesn't like that her offer of friendship isn't genuine, and her friendzone is actually a control zone. A fantasy world where she stomps her heels into weak men, throwing scraps form the table until a knight in shining armor turns up.

 

Walk away, NC. I've done this in this situation, she expressed new interest in me but I'd happily moved on.

[Cornelius_Smiff]

In my experience,

 

Almost certainly there is another person involved or at least your BF/GF is trying to develop something with someone else.

 

Let me just say, that of all the things a person can say during a breakup, I find this to be one of the most insincere, cruel and cowardly.

 

It is their way of absolving their own guilt whilst simultaneously indicating they don't actually care as there is a shiny new thing they are waiting to jump to.

 

Essentially, they are trying to mask their own guilt by seemingly being nice and boosting your ego (I love you) but then making it clear that they don't have those feelings for you (but I'm not in love with you).

 

A more apt translation is "Hey, look I don't really have any interest in you anymore, and there is this new person I am interested in and well, you're just getting in the way now. Don't worry, you're nice and all but you're no longer my cup of tea. Cya and all the best picking up the pieces".

 

My ex also gave me the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' sentence when broke up with me. I later realised she had emotionally cheated with and left me for a mutual online gaming friend, who she is still with. We were together for 5 wonderful years, were getting married and she blind sided me. It's hard not to be bitter but anyone who gives you that line (and even if they are a good person deep down) isn't worth your time. They are cowards.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

There wasn't someone else in mine and my exs case... cause hes on a dating site! He'd rather be Single and looking than be with me.

[preraph]

Everyone feels like this at some point. I loved this guy as a friend and there was a little mild flirtation, but I never felt just nuts about him or anything. I am not even sure I'd say it was "love" in the friendship, I mean, nothing intense, but like any friend, you'd miss them if they were gone. I thought there was a possibility it could maybe go romantic, and we tried at his insistence on his timetable (which was half the problem,a bad time for me) and I just never did feel it. I missed him as a friend when the resentment of the breakup was too much for him to remain more than acquaintances.

 

Then you can start out being in love with someone and the excitement wears off like it always will and then what's left when that happens may or may not be enough of the right kind of love to sustain a romantic relationship. Many women become uninterested in sex with that person once their feelings change, unlike men who are just as likely to want sex feelings or no.

[Corsican1]

We were together for 5 wonderful years, were getting married and she blind sided me. It's hard not to be bitter but anyone who gives you that line (and even if they are a good person deep down) isn't worth your time. They are cowards.

 

Hey Cornelius... I can totally relate !!!

 

In my case we were together for 7 years, agreed to not marry (we're both divorced) and then she blind sided me and uttered the most awful words any guy would ever want to hear.

 

It sucks when you trust in your future as a couple and in one second, it's disappears.

 

I have been down this road before in my marriage many years ago where I was handed the same bull**** line (I love you like a brother) and of course she lied about there being nobody in the picture. We'll back then I felt I had to know the truth for my sanity sake (we had 2 kids under 5) so I hired a private eye one weekend when I was with the kids...

He brought me the pics of the 2 of them together out & about and that is when I learned the truth. I even knew the guy ... Total F&%$en Loser druggie who installed the carpets in our home.

 

Fast forward and this time around I already know the truth and I immediately recognized that dreadful feeling of fighting a ghost and being lied to my face. I even told her I knew and she lied again.

The lying btw is so she doesn't end up on an episode of dateline ... a precautionary measure to protect her new guy ... pathetic when you really thing about it. The guy that I think she has jumped to has been a facebook friend for years and an acquaintance of both of ours. I don't bother with FB finding it a waste of time but my ex is always snooping everybodys stuff...

I suppose I regret not putting my foot down after 2 years and demanding her to delete Facebook or I was out of there. I really dislike Facebook before ... and now a whole lot more.

 

Anyways long story short... Ex wife from long ago moved in with new guy ... and before you know it a couple of months later he up and moved out when she wasn't home !!! She's been alone ever since ( 20 years)

 

if it's any consolation WHAT COMES AROUND CERTAINLY GOES AROUND !!!

 

Cheers

[whatnot]

I love a cup of coffee in the morning to get me going.

 

I'm not in love with coffee. On that level....I can take it or leave it.

[Maldives]

Hey Cornelius... I can totally relate !!!

 

In my case we were together for 7 years, agreed to not marry (we're both divorced) and then she blind sided me and uttered the most awful words any guy would ever want to hear.

 

It sucks when you trust in your future as a couple and in one second, it's disappears.

 

I have been down this road before in my marriage many years ago where I was handed the same bull**** line (I love you like a brother) and of course she lied about there being nobody in the picture. We'll back then I felt I had to know the truth for my sanity sake (we had 2 kids under 5) so I hired a private eye one weekend when I was with the kids...

He brought me the pics of the 2 of them together out & about and that is when I learned the truth. I even knew the guy ... Total F&%$en Loser druggie who installed the carpets in our home.

 

Fast forward and this time around I already know the truth and I immediately recognized that dreadful feeling of fighting a ghost and being lied to my face. I even told her I knew and she lied again.

The lying btw is so she doesn't end up on an episode of dateline ... a precautionary measure to protect her new guy ... pathetic when you really thing about it. The guy that I think she has jumped to has been a facebook friend for years and an acquaintance of both of ours. I don't bother with FB finding it a waste of time but my ex is always snooping everybodys stuff...

I suppose I regret not putting my foot down after 2 years and demanding her to delete Facebook or I was out of there. I really dislike Facebook before ... and now a whole lot more.

 

Anyways long story short... Ex wife from long ago moved in with new guy ... and before you know it a couple of months later he up and moved out when she wasn't home !!! She's been alone ever since ( 20 years)

 

if it's any consolation WHAT COMES AROUND CERTAINLY GOES AROUND !!!

 

Cheers[/QUOTe]

 

 

Wish I cld say the same for my experiences I always get the worst of em then they leap frog onto something better each time altho the current ex has hooked up wth a ugly mofo lol.

Edited May 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote formatting ~6

[Bromeo]

If she wants to be friends, you could always ask if she could introduce you to her hot friend, as that's what friends do for one another. If she doesn't like that her offer of friendship isn't genuine, and her friendzone is actually a control zone. A fantasy world where she stomps her heels into weak men, throwing scraps form the table until a knight in shining armor turns up.

 

Dude, you've got balls of solid rock to pull that off. This is the most gangsta thing I've heard in awhile. Damn I love ls sometimes. Lol

 

I had to stop what I was doing to laugh at this.

 

Op, I'm not making light of your situation, but this response to the guilt-easing friend zoning request conveys a measure of emotional discipline rarely seen.

 

And let me agree, that when the knight shows up to try and pretty woman her at her work, Richard Gere style, he will get shat upon. Lol

 

One love.

[EmilyJane]

I've had it thrown at me every time I did something my ex didn't like for the last eight months.

 

He's just done it again today.

 

I have no idea how anyone can say that but I've come to interpret it with this guy as "I'm immature, emotionally unstable, mentally ill with substance abuse issues and I want you to be around to comfort me when I'm scared without having to give you anything or having to be consistent or committed"

 

I'm not letting him do it anymore. He can just bugger off to hell. Not my problem anymore

[gemsc1990]

I got this too after my most recent breakup. Told him not to contact me again nd two weeks later he's in a relationship with someone else! I have no idea if she's a rebound or if she's the reason for the breakup, I don't particularly care to know either.

 

The cruel thing about this line is it really gets you thinking 'why am I so hard to love, I must have been a bad partner for them to have fallen out of love'. Took me WEEKS to realise it's not a reflection on us, it's. Reflection on them. There seems to be a trend in people who use this line - commitment phobes and emotionally damaged/immature people who lack the ability to commit to a functional relationship because of whatever they've went through in the past.

 

Their loss - and better luck to the next partner who's unfortunate to encounter them

[jwspark85]

happened to me just recently. Girlfriend of 5+ years, same exact line...

 

She claimed there was no one else when I asked her. A month later I found out through a mutual friend she started to date one of her classmates immediately after the break-up....currently in NC.

 

If you want to read the whole story I posted it here :

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/618646-my-girlfriend-left-me-after-5-years-found-someone-else

[Corsican1]

Here we go again... the 2nd time this month, my Ex contacts my mother.

Now it was a "Happy Easter" email. Again I found it to be disrespectful of my post BU boundaries on Exes part however I try to not influence peoples decisions whether or not to communicate. I know in my heart that she does'nt want to reconcile (and neither do I) this disturbance to my NC is unsettling and is starting to really bug me.

 

Mother asked me later that day if I minded if she replied to the email ...

I said do what you want but I don't want to know the details please !!!

 

I'm not a fan of FB or social media (actually quite the opposite) so I feel she's trying to keep tabs on me anyway she can and this is super annoying since I'm 50+ days of solid NC and have to deal with this sort of reverse NC reach-around situation.

 

Another thing is that it's quite ironic to see this situation unfold as I found out a few years ago while visiting mom with my then GF that my Ex from 10 years ago had showed up at her door unannounced while she wasn't home and left her phone number in a business card jammed in the door. Needless to say I was unhappy to hear the news revealed in front of my then GF (now my current Ex) and remember how bent out of shape my Ex was to hear the news (and now she's knd of doing the same thing). She took it personal as if mother was trying to purposly rub her nose in it. I had to tell mom to change the subject while Current Ex was in the bathroom.

 

I guess I'll have to settle for the role of "the one that got away !!!"

 

Any thoughts people ?

Edited April 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[preraph]

Go over to your mother's place and block this woman's phone number on your mother's phones so she can't call or text her anymore. Your mother will never know unless she reaches out first, in which case, a big conversation and setting your foot down with your mother is in order.

[stillafool]

Tell you mother to block her and stop talking to her.

[Ronnys93]

Are you sure your mother isn't secretly wanting you to get back with your ex? I'd have a sit down chat with her and tell her that you don't want to hear your ex anymore in any capacity. No emails, no text messages, just no nothing. If your ex wants to contact you, she has to find a way to contact you and you only.

[BC1980]

So the simple solution here would be to ask your mother not to let you know if your ex contacts her. It's that simple. In time, the contact will likely die off.