Lyme Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I'm in a very bad state right now. Not eating, can't sleep, just the most extreme anxiety you can imagine over a scenario I've made up in my head. My girlfriend of 4 months left on a cruise with her roomate (this was planned before we got together). I've since convinced myself she is going to cheat on me and ruin our relationship, which I feel like I would be unable to cope with. She's a wonderful girl, and was very re-assuring before she left of how much she loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. I've never felt treated better in a relationship, and I know I haven't treated her the best, but really want to have the chance. They are going to be drinking almost every day, there are clubs on the ship, and she's far, far away from me with her roomate (who dislikes me because she feels like I stole her friend away from her) and wants her to hook up. I am terrified of her making a mistake when she's drunk, making out or having sex with someone. I've gone through every scenario in my head and it's eating me alive. I have severe issues from when I was a kid. Both my parents cheated to my knowledge, did drugs, and now my mother is an alcoholic and my dad hates me, and I miss my mom desperately. My brother died two years ago, my previous girlfriend broke up with me 10+ times to (try someone else) until I eventually ended it. She even wrote ME suicide notes to try and manipulate me back into the relationship. I do not want any more bad. If she cheated I'm not sure I could keep living like this. I love her so much and can't handle any more tragedy in my life. She has given me no reason to think that she would, and even her mom says she adores me. But here I am in a pool of anxiety feeling like I have the flu because I havent slept in 3 days. I wont even get to speak to her for a week. Please help me, I really hate myself right now and want to believe I'm worth someone staying in my life. I have not broken down in front of her like this, I just keep it inside because I know that's a surefire way to push her away.
smackie9 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 If you have that kind of history.....please seek out a therapist for your issues. 5
Gaeta Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 my previous girlfriend broke up with me 10+ times to (try someone else) until I eventually ended it. And you survived it and moved on and met your current girlfriend who you love dearly, right! If this current girlfriend cheats on you you'll break up, you'll have a heartbreak, you'll survive, life will go on, the sun will keep on rising and you will find love again. There is no secret to this. That's life. Life is a series of hellos and good byes, better get used to it. It will be like this the rest of your life. So, rewind this little film you have in your head and remind yourself you have NO control over your girlfriend, she will do as she wishes and if she does something to hurt your relationship you will simply deal with it THEN. Right now she has done nothing wrong so STOP hurting over something that may never happen. 5
kendahke Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 You would benefit from seeking help from a therapist. You need to resolve your issues with your parents, which are what is fueling this meltdown and you're winding yourself up to knots because of an overactive imagination---perhaps there's some projection on your part? As in if you were the one who was away from her, maybe you could be easily led to cheat, so you're making her own your baggage when it's not hers to own. What is crystal clear is that you don't trust her. Her bff has nothing to do with anything here (and perhaps she's protective of her friend because of precisely what you're laid out here) Here's the thing about cheating: she could be in the same city as you and cheat *if* that is what she wanted to do. Her being on a cruise ship is no different from her being at home *if* what she wanted was to seek attention/sex from someone other than you. One thing is for certain: you are going to end up speaking into existence the very thing you fear the most, so you need to get a grip on this. Your fears are going to end up destroying your relationship. Go talk with a therapist--that would be in the best interests of everyone involved here. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Dear me, you've been though an awful lot in your life OP. It's no wonder you're living in a place of fear. But you're not dealing with it in a constructive way and you will create what you fear if you don't get a handle on it. I would follow Smackie's suggestion and seek out professional help. This will help you untangle your past, which in turn should help you feel more confident in the present and approach your relationship in a healthier way. What you're describing goes beyond your garden-variety insecurity; there are deeper roots to this and a general theme of abandonment. The problem here is how you're dealing with that fear. Being overly possessive (is this why the best friend doesn't like you?) or convinced your gf will cheat will suffocate the life out of the relationship. It's also rather insulting to assume your gf will behave this way if you otherwise have no evidence of infidelity. She's been patient thus far but it won't last. Give her the space to have fun. If she cheats, well, you walk away and find a girl who doesn't do things like that. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I was in a similar situation. I booked a New Years Eve cruise before I met my now husband. By the time we reached a point when it would OK to invite him, the cruise was sold out. So there was no way he could have gone. I went any way & sent him off to a party. We kept in touch as best we could. Calls are expensive ($7.95 per minute); internet is spotty & costs money. Cruises are not great pick up places. Almost everyone is already in a couple. There are very few single people wandering around. Cruises are about having fun with the people who came on board with you. If you have this much anxiety you need help. What happened to you in the past damaged your ability to trust but simply because you have a problem trusting does not mean your GF is untrustworthy. FWIW my now husband met me after the cruise with a bag of Hershey's kisses saying these were for all the kisses we missed while I was away. Try something like that. 1
Author Lyme Posted April 18, 2017 Author Posted April 18, 2017 Thank you for everyone's input. No, I don't act possessive or keep her from doing anything she wants. I just let these unreasonable feelings fester inside my head until my physical body starts to suffer. Her friend hates me simply because she found a boyfriend and spends time with me. From day one when I showed up randomly and bought them ice cream to surprise / win her friend over, she said "I have a bad feeling about him". She doesn't treat my GF well either. I am worried that I'll show my insecurity and like most of you have said, create a self-fulfilling prophecy. On top of everything I'm also suffering from a chronic disease (as my name would suggest) that causes my brain to function poorly in stressful situations. Is therapy really going to help me here? This anxiety, though it might seem like a "just don't do it" situation, is uncontrollable, as in it's the first reaction my brain makes to most situations. After years of mental abuse from my father, my self esteem is far below a zero, which I know contributes to the feelings I'm having. I have never cheated, when those thoughts pop into my head guilt overcomes my mind and I'd just never be able to do it, so I wouldn't say it's "projecting" necessarily. Has anyone gone to therapy for similar issues with ACTUAL results? As in your brain starts to change the way it assumes the worst? This has had some impact in every single relationship I've been in, and I want it to stop.
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 I know people who have done exposure therapy, drug therapy, etc. Everyone is different as to what will work. Yes you can "retrain" your brain, but it won't happen over night. It takes the right therapist, and a commitment from you to never give up. Dr. Amen has a great video series and books to self help. I have watched his program on public TV...I find his methods brilliant and interesting.
d0nnivain Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 Yes, therapy will help you. It will help you build self esteem & undo some of the damage done by your abusive father. Also when you get anxious, you can "retrain" your brain to analyze the situation differently. I am in the process of learning some of this now so I can't say it's been a success but I do calm myself much faster now.
spiderowl Posted April 18, 2017 Posted April 18, 2017 I can see why you have a lot of anxiety, so much has happened to you and people close to you to trigger that. As others say, a therapist might be able to help you. Just talking ahout the things that have affected you would help to reduce the hold they have over you. Just supposing the worst happened and your girlfriend got drunk, hooked up with someone for a night. She'll probably regret the liaison the next morning, feel terribly guilty, and not bother with the guy again. Would that be the end of the world for you? None of us are perfect. What matters is if the underlying love is there and the person is committed to you. People fall by the wayside sometimes but a drunken one night is not a disaster. Falling in love with another guy would be a disaster, but if she loves you that is much less likely.
Recommended Posts