Is he uninterested or just taking it really slow?

[codelock]

I have only been on 2 dates with a guy in the last 2 weeks. I am going on first dates with other guys though and have 2 dates scheduled this week so I am keeping my options open.

 

This guy I went on 2 dates, we have an immediate connection, lots of similar interests, we have talked about our values and so forth. The last date lasted for 6 hours and ended with a pretty heavy make out session and he left the date immediately saying he wants to do it again sometime.

 

Here is the thing: he got out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago (he broke up with her). I am well aware of the risk of a rebound relationship but he says he is completely over it and I am 100% on board with taking it slow.

 

We met online. I messaged him initially and asked him out. Our first date went amazing but I was not sure he was interested and figured he was not and moved on. 1 week later I surprisingly got a text from him and we texted back/forth, then I decided to ask him on date #2. I did bring up on date 2 that I seemed to be the one initiating, but he told me he has never dated before (he met his ex in college) and he is also fearful of rejection. But again we ended the night with making out, him telling me he likes me, me saying it back and both of us texting each other saying we want to do it again. He told me he would let me know when he is next free.

 

A few days pass and I have not heard from him (which is normal, he seems to not be big on texting), so I text him to ask how his weekend is going. We have a good texting conversation but he does not mention a third date. I could ask him out again but I do not want a dating dynamic where I am always initiating dates.

 

I am happy to take it slow but this pace seems really slow to me. I am used to guys at least setting a date in advance. Does he sound pretty uninterested or is he just really taking things slow and I need to go with the flow more? Regardless, I am not initiating so the ball is in his court

[todreaminblue]

if you really like the guy initiate the date again and when it comes to say good bye say i how about we brainstorm the nest date together at such a time and such on such and such date so think about some ideas.........ill call you at 7 this day o rwhenever you have planned it to confirm a date.... ..forget the texts.......and then call him...he may not have planned many dates or have a clue so guide him with your planning abilities..or it may be he doesnt want to feel rejection of his ideas...so make sure you are open to trying them when he suggests them...show him how its done with the details.....and forethought...at the end of that planned date say ti was really fun planning that date together...want to try again.....then ask him to call when he is ready to set it up..

 

eventually her will enjoy this.

 

 

i look up weather for that day ...i go ocd..tide times...free events....i bounce ideas around..add a bit of crazy to make it light and humorous in the date planning thing.... ...not such a serious chore............lol..

 

and soon he might even start to want to be doing it on his own..one thing is for sure...even if it doesnt work out between you two...he has left your dating time and days stronger and more adept at planning and saying what he likes to do for th enext time he dates...he sounds liek a nice guy adn ypou sound like you actually like him.....

 

.leaving a person better off than when you met them should become the new black......i do hope things work out with you and your dates with this guy..........good luck...deb.

[codelock]

Thanks for the advice Deb. If I had not initiated date 1 and 2 (planned 2), then I would happily initiate date 3. He also specifically wrote in his text, [Lets do that again sometime. I will let you know when I am next free. See ya then ]

 

It is pretty specific he would make the next move on setting a date and I gave him an opening today (4 days after last date) by texting him but he made no mention of a date.

 

My ideal relationship involves me organizing time to meet someone equally or just as much as the guy. I have really put myself out there more than normal for this guy, so initiating a third date would feel really uncomfortable and unbalanced for me. I realize he is shy and has limited dating experience, but I made sure on our last date that it was crystal clear I am interested and he can tell me when he is next free. Plus I texted him today, which clearly shows I am interested.

[GemmaUK]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I think it's time you leave him to figure it out.

He sounds half hearted to me from that which you have posted.

 

Sounds like you've been clear you're interested so let him step up.

For me this kind of thing is about initiative, integrity. Maybe he has always had his love life/jobs/luck whatever land in his lap. I personally wouldn't want to date a man who doesn't see that working for something can feel so much better.

 

He can't 'not know' that men persue - women do also when the dynamic is right and it should be about 50/50 - especially if what you want is an equal relationship.

I'd be curious to know why his relationship broke down - how he talks about her - all that kind of thing.

[Arieswoman]

codelock,

 

Here is the thing: he got out of a 4 year relationship a few months ago (he broke up with her).

A few months is no time at all to be fully "gounded" after coming out of a long realtionship.

 

I am well aware of the risk of a rebound relationship but he says he is completely over it and I am 100% on board with taking it slow.

 

(My italics)

 

No, he isn't "completely over it". He's just fooling himself and you as well.

If I had tuppence for every guy that told me that I'd be very rich !

 

If he can be "completely over" a 4 year relationship in a few months then he's either a very shallow person or he wasn't fully into the relationship in the first place.

Neither of these bodes well.

He could be just looking for a comfy place to be while he gets his head together.

 

Date him by all means, but also date others and make him aware that you are being cautious. And for goodness sake don't have sex with him, as that will only make things more complicated from your point of view.

[codelock]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I think it's time you leave him to figure it out.

He sounds half hearted to me from that which you have posted.

 

 

I'd be curious to know why his relationship broke down - how he talks about her - all that kind of thing.

 

Thanks Gemma you are right. He might be half hearted. That was my initial thought after our first date, and even during our second date. But then he asked me to kiss him in a cheeky way, and while we were passionately kissing he told me he liked me and all these things.

 

The relationship ended because he was always the giver in the relationship. He always wanted to see her, talk to her, be affectionate, be open, etc. He said it even got to a point where he tried to play hard to get to make her pursue him or be interested. Basically he was making most of the effort and it got to a point where he felt he was not living his life anymore for himself, and they had broken up 2 years before for similar reasons but nothing changed. Even when we made out passionately, he later said that was the first time he made out in years. This also suggests I am the first girl he has kissed or dated since the breakup. So I have considered that maybe that is why he has not pursued as much, but it is still not a good enough reason for me to initiate all dates at this stage. I am happy to initiate more of the time if needed, but all of the time is too much for me.

 

He does mention her a little bit, which I feel is normal for a relatively recent breakup but he does not talk badly or good about her when he does.

Edited April 17, 2017 by codelock

[GemmaUK]

I'm not so sure I believe that story.

When you like someone it sort of becomes just instinct to want to see them, want to communicate.

If the story is true then he certainly isn't starting with a new leaf in any way - you're getting the brunt of his past and he's holding a lot of bitterness.

 

What's going on in the rest of his life? His work/studies/family etc?

[codelock]

I'm not so sure I believe that story.

When you like someone it sort of becomes just instinct to want to see them, want to communicate.

If the story is true then he certainly isn't starting with a new leaf in any way - you're getting the brunt of his past and he's holding a lot of bitterness.

 

What's going on in the rest of his life? His work/studies/family etc?

 

I completely agree with you Gemma about how you act when you like someone. Yeah I have no idea if his story is true or not, and it is very possible that if the story is true that he has not moved on and might be taking this out on me a little bit.

 

Family is good. He seems pretty happy in his life. He did voluntary quit his job last month so he has gone through some significant life changes with work and the breakup. He is focusing on his own project and financially secure though (still does freelance work and his job allows him to come back anytime within the year). I have several friends who have made similar career moves to focus on personal tech projects/startups so that sounds normal to me for our age range (mid-late 20s).

[Mkn1010]

It reads like he is taking a back seat due to the amount of effort he previously put into to a relationship which apparently got him nowhere.

 

I think, from what you've described, he's not ready to invest and by not initiating he's able to keep from putting himself out there and it also prevents the relationship progressing.

[codelock]

It reads like he is taking a back seat due to the amount of effort he previously put into to a relationship which apparently got him nowhere.

 

I think, from what you've described, he's not ready to invest and by not initiating he's able to keep from putting himself out there and it also prevents the relationship progressing.

 

Yeah that is a concern I have not thought of yet. But you might be right. I know some people react to breakups by trying to prevent themselves from getting hurt again. Either way, I have no choice but to take a step back and let him initiate, if he does eventually. I am at a point where I really want to meet someone who wants to move forward. I am cool if it is a slow pace, and a guy needs time, but I would imagine a guy taking it slow would still initiate dates and actively show interest.

[Gaeta]

It depends on what you are looking for.

 

A) You want to kill time and get sex out of it than sure keep on seeing him

 

B) You are hoping to meet someone for a meaningful relationship: He isn't the man. You need to find someone that is 'ready' to invest himself and put forward some efforts.

 

Why invest your hope, time and feelings on someone that feels so so about seeing you.

[Gaeta]

Yeah that is a concern I have not thought of yet. But you might be right. I know some people react to breakups by trying to prevent themselves from getting hurt again. Either way, I have no choice but to take a step back and let him initiate, if he does eventually. I am at a point where I really want to meet someone who wants to move forward. I am cool if it is a slow pace, and a guy needs time, but I would imagine a guy taking it slow would still initiate dates and actively show interest.

 

A man that wants to take it slow isn't ready to move forward. It's just another expression for he needs to kill time while the right girl comes along.

 

There is no such a thing controlling our feelings. We don't delay love, it hits us or it doesn't. When a man likes you 'that way' he will not take a chance of someone else sweeping you off of your feet. He'll want to see you and he'll make it official dating as soon as possible.

 

Don't date men that have hung-ups, are hurt, are hesitant because of past pain, are wanting to take things slow, it's all the same.

[Miss Spider]

He's probably dating other women and you're in his peripheral now. He's certainly not blown away by that immediate connection. You could know definitively if he's still interested by asking him on 3rd date (it doesn't have to turn into a dynamic where you're always asking him out if you only do it once in awhile). Be ready for it to go nowhere, though

[preraph]

He is probably constrained by finances and has to wait to get money before he can afford to take a woman out. I believe it's too soon for you to offer to pay and that you should just wait it out and see what happens. But once you've got maybe another 3 dates with him, ask him over and cook dinner for him to reciprocate. I wouldn't do that yet, though. I'd be sure he's enthusiastic and keeps asking you out first.

[codelock]

He is probably constrained by finances and has to wait to get money before he can afford to take a woman out. I believe it's too soon for you to offer to pay and that you should just wait it out and see what happens. But once you've got maybe another 3 dates with him, ask him over and cook dinner for him to reciprocate. I wouldn't do that yet, though. I'd be sure he's enthusiastic and keeps asking you out first.

 

Yeah I have considered that this could be about finances as well. He also lives an hour and a half from me. I live in a city so sometimes I forget that he has to commute quite a bit to see me. I am still going with the knowledge that he is probably half-hearted. I was more asking cause I do not like multi-dating. I can go on first dates with other guys and feel sorta okay about it, but I would rather just date the same person at a time, especially if I like them.

 

However, if he does organize a date, I will recommend some free events,

free museums, etc. (plenty in the city) and yeah if we continue dating I will definitely be happy to organize a dinner date at my place but that would only happen if we go on a few more dates.

 

Thank you!

[preraph]

Yeah I have considered that this could be about finances as well. He also lives an hour and a half from me. I live in a city so sometimes I forget that he has to commute quite a bit to see me. I am still going with the knowledge that he is probably half-hearted. I was more asking cause I do not like multi-dating. I can go on first dates with other guys and feel sorta okay about it, but I would rather just date the same person at a time, especially if I like them.

 

However, if he does organize a date, I will recommend some free events,

free museums, etc. (plenty in the city) and yeah if we continue dating I will definitely be happy to organize a dinner date at my place but that would only happen if we go on a few more dates.

 

Thank you!

 

 

Yeah, great idea! Look for street fairs or free day at the museum or take a romantic walk in the park under the moonlight. If there's anything midway between where you two live you might offer to meet him there.

[codelock]

Thanks all. He texted me yesterday asking what my plans are for the weekend so he did initiate a text. He still had a difficult time suggesting a date and when to meet up and seemed very noncommital, but when I suggested things, he agreed right away.

 

I did want to note that he did say he was an introvert if that makes a difference.

 

Anyway I suggested free things to do in the city, and a couple of paid stuff and he chose a comedy show (which costs money) so we are doing that and grabbing dinner/drinks. I'm hoping there will be an opportunity to ask him what's going on during the date. I'm starting to wonder if he has social anxiety or just feels really clueless on what to suggest/do.

[spiderowl]

A guy recently out of a long-term relationship is likely to be a loose cannon. He will want warmth, intimacy and companionship like a starving person, but he will not be 'over' his ex or disentangled from her life. He might say he is but the unconscious strands that bind people together do not dissipate that quickly. He will also be wondering what else is 'out there' for him.

 

So, although he will enjoy spending time with you and want more of it, underneath the surface he will be a mixture of emotions. Given the mixture of emotions, he is not likely to want to commit to anything. Leaving long gaps between communications means he can have some sort of contact with you but also keep you at a distance.

 

If you want a distant, erratic and totally unreliable lover, then he will probably be all that. If you want someone to get involved with, who will fall in love with you and remain faithful, wait a few years until he really is over his past relationship and has seen what is out there.

[codelock]

A guy recently out of a long-term relationship is likely to be a loose cannon. He will want warmth, intimacy and companionship like a starving person, but he will not be 'over' his ex or disentangled from her life. He might say he is but the unconscious strands that bind people together do not dissipate that quickly. He will also be wondering what else is 'out there' for him.

 

So, although he will enjoy spending time with you and want more of it, underneath the surface he will be a mixture of emotions. Given the mixture of emotions, he is not likely to want to commit to anything. Leaving long gaps between communications means he can have some sort of contact with you but also keep you at a distance.

 

If you want a distant, erratic and totally unreliable lover, then he will probably be all that. If you want someone to get involved with, who will fall in love with you and remain faithful, wait a few years until he really is over his past relationship and has seen what is out there.

 

Yes, I'm keeping this advice 100% in mind. I usually never ever date guys fresh out of a relationship. It's usually a problem for me, but this seems different so I'm giving it a shot. I literally go on dates with new guys all the time. I've been on dates with 2 new guys this weekend alone and have more lined up for next weekend. So regardless I'm not putting my dating life on hold. If I find a guy I like, then this guy will go on the backburner because I'm interested in pursuing a meaningful relationship with someone.

 

Also this guy has been very upfront and honest with me. He realizes he needs time and doesn't want to quickly jump into anything. I'm not having sex with him and don't plan to for the moment.

 

For the record, his ex broke up with him 2 years ago, so they tried to reconcile and it didn't work out. He said because of that whole experience he feels like he's been over the relationship for awhile. A similar thing happened to me so I can understand how when you try again, and it doesn't work, you feel more ready to move on.

 

I'll continue dating him casually and keeping my options open. I'm cool to see where things go but obviously if we keep dating for a bit, I'll have to ask where he sees this going and make a choice. But it's still early days and I'm still living my life, meeting new guys and having fun.. so I see no risk in going on another date with him.

[dangerous]

despite you and the other advice on here focusing on this guy, it appears to me that you are PUSHING things. You mention multiple dating, 2 per weekend etc, and YOU invited him on 3 dates so far.

 

It seems to me that he is taking his time after a serious relationship and breakup so he needs time to sort himself and ENJOY a new relationship going at its NATURAL pace.

 

I'm not sure you are in the right place for a relationship yourself? Sorry if this might smart but this discussion so far has been unbalanced. I'd say just chill and see whether this relationship or another works out. Take your time.