venusinlibra Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I can't believe I didn't see this coming, and hate that I ever went out with him. I wasn't even looking to meet anyone- just had surgery and forced myself to go out to a meetup event. I wasn't even all that into him- he just swooped in. I did start getting used to him and we had a lot in common, especially our bond with our animals. We even had the same landlord as it turns out and my landlord said he was a good guy. We dated regularly for a month. I'll sound like a witch for saying this, but it's the truth: I am far far out of his league. I have my career, money saved, hot body, and never been married or had kids. He was approaching 50, bald, not much money, and not the best body. He couldn't seem to handle going to work and coming home- he'd get anxious. He constantly talked about his dog dying, even though the dog is only five and in excellent health. He wouldn't focus on the good he had. Yet he insisted I'd never be able to handle losing my pet, who is 17 with health issues. He commented on how on top of things I was, then said he was too old for me, then complimented me, and constantly said I'd be bored by him. He said he could tell I wanted a handy guy and to have kids- but I think he tried to project on me, because what he said wasn't true for me. He told me he didn't trust women- all because his ex wife cheated on and divorced him almost twenty years ago. He used the cheating as a sob story I think. I found out he had been divorced another time too, ten years ago after a brief marriage. I asked him if he ever got help or counseling for the cheating and he said no. See, my last boyfriend was abusive and stalked me, but I got counseling for it and told him this. He said again how I'm on top of everything and had it together. He spent most of his time alone- I know this from my landlord and him- and just went to work and came home. He said he didn't have any friends and hated his job. The office catered food one day and it was a food he didn't like. He texted that he should slap the person upside the head who chose that food. We were getting into a routine and getting close to having sex. We were together a month or so. We had tentative plans this weekend and he knew my father was having a major surgery and I was worried. So this guy would disappear for a day or two sometimes, but be back. I think he did it to try to get me to chase him, which I didn't. It's been eight days of silence now. On Day four, I deleted all of our photos and texts and on day five I deleted his number. I don't understand what happened. I feel rejected and like less of a person. And how do I handle seeing him again? We are in the same meetup group and may bump into each other. I don't think I should be all nice to him if I see him. I want to confront him in front of the group, which is mostly females. But if I show anger, then it might seem like I care. Honestly, I would have not stayed with him, especially due to the second divorce that he originally hid from me. But I would've left him in another month or so and tried to stay friends. What happened in this situation? Why did he do this? Think I'll hear from him again? I've already decided that I will NEVER let someone drop off of the face of the earth and come back again. But I just need to make sense of it. I'm so mad that I'm thinking about blasting him online on one of those websites where you tell about your ex and it shows up on the first page of google. And that shocks me, because I'm not like that.
Tressugar Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 He did you a favor. Keep your standards high. If your paths cross again act like you didn't even know he was even gone. Be positive. That will be a mind f*ck to him. Don't give your power away. 2
basil67 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 The fact that you dated him means that you were very much of his league. Sure, you may be attractive etc etc, but apparently you're dragged down by having low standards of what you will accept in a relationship. Lift your standards and choose wisely. 4
Author venusinlibra Posted April 17, 2017 Author Posted April 17, 2017 It's just so hard. I don't understand why he did this. Any ideas? Wonder if he knew he couldn't keep me or just didn't trust me because I'm a woman? I'm really mad - he is so rude to do this.
Tressugar Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Who's to say? Ppl do what they want to do and usually it has no relation to the other person. Whatever it is, it's not your problem. He did it because of what ever was going on within him. Stop worrying about him. I can bet he's not concerning himself over you. Don't let him rent space in your head.
act00 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 What in the heck do you want? Do you want him sniffing after you perpetually, showering you with attention, while you blow him off? You have never been entirely attracted to him, nor impressed with him. You state he is way outside of your league, he whines, and he's just a downer. Why you stuck around as long as you did is beyond me. No. Don't confront him and create a public display. If you see him at a meetup, be pleasant, say hello, and go about your business. Don't be a drama queen and get everyone in the group involved. YOU will look like a shallow, snotty, self-absorbed, and just plain mean and attention-seeking drama queen if you do this. I'm guessing it was clear to him the chemistry wasn't there. You are not into him, and he knows it. You don't cater to his whining and don't pat his head and stroke his insecurities, but instead tell him to fix it. He's moody over the potential loss of a healthy, young dog? Yeah, I'd be telling him to "get over it." You weren't offering him what he seeks. No one will be able to make him happy. He dropped off the planet. Take a sigh of relief and be glad you didn't have to tell him you are no longer interested. Yes, it hurts, and I get that, but what I'm reading here is you liked a meek, whiney man who put you on a pedestal, and now your source of worship is gone. Why, why, why did you actively date and almost sleep with a man you found so repulsive? I just don't understand your motives for continuing on with this man to the point you "almost" slept together, but you really weren't that much into him. Look, you got your feet wet in the dating pool. It was a safe place to start, and there were some positive parts of your relationship and connection, but you knew it was a bust from the beginning. Move on. You will get nowhere if you stomp all over him, especially publicly. Be the big girl and confident woman you are and let him be. 5
OatsAndHall Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 To me, it sounds like you're angry because a guy you felt was beneath your standards ghosted you and your ego took a hit. It doesn't appear as if you genuinely cared for the guy and your feelings are hurt. You've clearly expressed your distaste for this guy, physically and emotionally and it's a possibility that he sensed that and disappeared. Or, maybe he just wasn't as into you as you thought/think he should be. Regardless, expressing your anger isn't going to serve a purpose in this situation. Go to the gym, get the frustration out and move on. 4
clia Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I don't even understand this. You give us a long paragraph of reasons as to why you are so much better than this guy, but then you tell us you dated him for a month, had gotten into a routine with him, were about to start having sex with him and intended to date him for another month before you dumped him? WTF. I agree that it seems like you are just upset because he dumped you first. Causing a scene at the Meetup over it doesn't sound like the best course of action. Just move on --he wasn't into you. (And you allegedly weren't into him either, so I don't even understand the problem.) Is it crappy that he just stopped contacting you? Sure, but I didn't see in your post where you tried to contact him, either, so it appears that you two ghosted each other. 1
CptInsano Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 To me, it sounds like you're angry because a guy you felt was beneath your standards ghosted you and your ego took a hit. I would agree. The way the OP described the guy who ghosted her, it very much sounded like she looked down on him. That doesn't make his behavior any better, but the impact seems limited beyond a bruised ego. 1
kendahke Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 It's just so hard. I don't understand why he did this. Any ideas? Wonder if he knew he couldn't keep me or just didn't trust me because I'm a woman? I'm really mad - he is so rude to do this. I would venture to say your vibe is stronger than you realize. I dont' get why you're mad that someone you say is beneath you decided that you were right and left. I wouldn't stick around for someone to lord over me how much better they thought they were. He's got a healthy enough sense of himself that he chose not to stay in your path. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I feel rejected and like less of a person. -- Less of a person??? You're sense of esteem rests on a guy you only dated for a month??? My sense of esteem wouldn't rest on a guy I was married to (and I was married for 30 years), let alone dated for a month. He's less of a person for ghosting if you want to put "it" where it belongs. However, this happens all the time nowadays. And, frankly, IMO, so what? No one owes anyone anything in a month. You two didn't even have sex yet, no harm, no foul. Don't respond if he does reach out again. It's done, not because he ghosted but because he wasn't a good match anyway by your description. Even if he told you he was moving on, you wouldn't be satisfied with his reasons, etc. Most people don't accept the responses they get from a dumper no matter how it happens. 2
kendahke Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I'm so mad that I'm thinking about blasting him online on one of those websites where you tell about your ex and it shows up on the first page of google. If you're so much "above" him, then act like it. Performing like this is childish and will say more about you than him. And that shocks me, because I'm not like that. perhaps a little bit more self reflection is in order.
smackie9 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Can you say.....mental illness??? Stop trying to figure out his weird behavior....he's not normal. Case close move on. 1
anduina Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Any guy who would ghost on or before the weekend of your father's surgery would be a loser extraordinaire. Enjoy your freedom from his negativity and if you meet again, be courteous and distant since he did you the favor of not having to break up with him. 1
Author venusinlibra Posted April 17, 2017 Author Posted April 17, 2017 I got a phone call from him late last night, obviously it was a drunk dial. His speech was slurred and he left a voicemail. He said he didn't know why I didn't contact him for over a week and he felt bad and could tell I was not very into him and would go back to my ex anyway. He said he couldn't handle being left again. He asked to see me that night for one more chance to make it right. I deleted the message. Whatever. He is such a tool. The disappearing act and abandoning me with my dad's surgery was so nasty! How could anyone ever consider him a good guy? Doesn't it sound like since his first divorce that he wants to leave before he can be left? More than anything, it was the disappearing act that bothered me. It would be similar to never hearing back from a job interview at a company I loved.
kendahke Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I got a phone call from him late last night, obviously it was a drunk dial. His speech was slurred and he left a voicemail. He said he didn't know why I didn't contact him for over a week and he felt bad and could tell I was not very into him and would go back to my ex anyway. He said he couldn't handle being left again. He asked to see me that night for one more chance to make it right. I deleted the message. Whatever. He is such a tool. The disappearing act and abandoning me with my dad's surgery was so nasty! How could anyone ever consider him a good guy? Doesn't it sound like since his first divorce that he wants to leave before he can be left? More than anything, it was the disappearing act that bothered me. It would be similar to never hearing back from a job interview at a company I loved. You weren't going to give him a chance before this went down anyway. It's over and done with. Move on. Not everyone in who comes into your life is there to stay. Some are there only long enough to drop off a life lesson and then they move out.
Redhead14 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I can't believe I didn't see this coming, and hate that I ever went out with him. I wasn't even looking to meet anyone- just had surgery and forced myself to go out to a meetup event. I wasn't even all that into him- he just swooped in. I did start getting used to him and we had a lot in common, especially our bond with our animals. We even had the same landlord as it turns out and my landlord said he was a good guy. We dated regularly for a month. I'll sound like a witch for saying this, but it's the truth: I am far far out of his league. I have my career, money saved, hot body, and never been married or had kids. He was approaching 50, bald, not much money, and not the best body. He couldn't seem to handle going to work and coming home- he'd get anxious. He constantly talked about his dog dying, even though the dog is only five and in excellent health. He wouldn't focus on the good he had. Yet he insisted I'd never be able to handle losing my pet, who is 17 with health issues. He commented on how on top of things I was, then said he was too old for me, then complimented me, and constantly said I'd be bored by him. He said he could tell I wanted a handy guy and to have kids- but I think he tried to project on me, because what he said wasn't true for me. He told me he didn't trust women- all because his ex wife cheated on and divorced him almost twenty years ago. He used the cheating as a sob story I think. I found out he had been divorced another time too, ten years ago after a brief marriage. I asked him if he ever got help or counseling for the cheating and he said no. See, my last boyfriend was abusive and stalked me, but I got counseling for it and told him this. He said again how I'm on top of everything and had it together. He spent most of his time alone- I know this from my landlord and him- and just went to work and came home. He said he didn't have any friends and hated his job. The office catered food one day and it was a food he didn't like. He texted that he should slap the person upside the head who chose that food. We were getting into a routine and getting close to having sex. We were together a month or so. We had tentative plans this weekend and he knew my father was having a major surgery and I was worried. So this guy would disappear for a day or two sometimes, but be back. I think he did it to try to get me to chase him, which I didn't. It's been eight days of silence now. On Day four, I deleted all of our photos and texts and on day five I deleted his number. I don't understand what happened. I feel rejected and like less of a person. And how do I handle seeing him again? We are in the same meetup group and may bump into each other. I don't think I should be all nice to him if I see him. I want to confront him in front of the group, which is mostly females. But if I show anger, then it might seem like I care. Honestly, I would have not stayed with him, especially due to the second divorce that he originally hid from me. But I would've left him in another month or so and tried to stay friends. What happened in this situation? Why did he do this? Think I'll hear from him again? I've already decided that I will NEVER let someone drop off of the face of the earth and come back again. But I just need to make sense of it. I'm so mad that I'm thinking about blasting him online on one of those websites where you tell about your ex and it shows up on the first page of google. And that shocks me, because I'm not like that. Your whole attitude about this guy reeks of entitlement and disdain, IMO. When you've only been dating for a month, it's inappropriate for a dating partner to rely on or seek support from a new dating partner. You don't want to bog things down with that kind of thing. Secondly, he likely felt that you should have some space to deal with that situation. Thirdly, with all the negativity from him and about him from you, why would you continue dating him anyway? He told me he didn't trust women- all because his ex wife cheated on and divorced him almost twenty years ago. He used the cheating as a sob story I think. I found out he had been divorced another time too, ten years ago after a brief marriage. -- Hearing all this within a month of dating, would have turned me off pretty quickly. he was too old for me, then complimented me, and constantly said I'd be bored by him. He said he could tell I wanted a handy guy and to have kids- -- All this stuff is a "disclaimer" -- don't expect too much from dating me, I've got issues so don't get attached.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 He obviously wasn't all that interested if he ghosted, OP. You might never know why, and who cares if other people say he's a "nice guy"? I'm assuming they never dated him and didn't know him in the context of a relationship, so their perception is going to be different. It's also obvious that you weren't all that into him, either. The way you describe him makes your distaste very clear. This wasn't going to work anyway. Sure, ghosting is cowardly but rather than stressing about it, you can move on to someone who you are more interested in, too.
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