Online dating doesn't work for me?

[OatsAndHall]

So where do you go out to meet girls?

 

 

I just get out and hit up social events. I'm a teacher and a coach so I have lots of opportunity to meet people. I met the woman I am dating now through professional channels.

[johngalt1149]

I'm 59. A friend that met his wife on Match suggested I try. I have met and dated too many to count. I have had several relationships. I have met so many more using OLD than I would have any other way. Haven't met "the one" yet but I am hopeful. I have met a lot of friends, had some great times and some boring ones. Have been to bed with quite a few and thought I was in love once. It's been 2 years. For me it works well. But I have to admit, most women lied about their ages, many used old photos or faded photos yet it's nice to have the company and the validation.

[hercules22]

what is this old app everyone talking about im from australia cant find it on app store tinder useless and plenty of fish deleted both just bump into fakes

[salparadise]

It is very disillusioning but you can’t blame the sites/apps themselves too much as ultimately the people on them are all it comes down to.

 

One of the frustrating things with it all is even when you do get a match or some talking going, one party often goes quiet. It’s infuriating because you’ve both declared you are attracted to one another. I think there’s an ego game here in that after you’ve obtained that validation many of us lose interest.

 

All true. I think it's fine though. The reason is that I try to be realistic about what to expect, and I don't expect it to deliver a perfect person the second day, like ordering from Amazon Prime.

 

Here are some of the realities... mostly applicable to mature adults:

 

The divorce rate is about fifty percent, so half of the population does not show up there –– that would be the half who are successful at sustaining long-term relationships. The other half are the ones you have to choose from.

 

About half or two-thirds of those, the ones that are perpetually on OLD year after year, have issues that nobody wants to deal with. They may be emotionally damaged/unavailable, unrealistic about their own dating equity, holding out for an actual prince with a glass slipper, a castle with a moat, etc.

 

Another subset are undatable in a way that becomes obvious very fast, and even if they get some dates, nobody is going to sign up for that shyte.

 

It's not a matter of just finding someone who is not objectionable, most people insist on chemistry and attraction. So even if you were to go out with a dozen people, the odds of quickly finding chemistry and mutual enthusiasm aren't very high. So you have to be persistent (and lucky).

 

Then there is the Paradox of Choice, which make it difficult for people to make a choice and stick with it, not continually searching for the holy grail.

 

You have to be someone who people of the opposite sex assess as desirable, sane, eligible, available, honest and reliable... Or be lucky enough to find a person whose brand of crazy matches yours so well that the two of you lock horns and can't let go.

 

The people on OLD who are emotionally healthy, easily connect with others in an authentic way, have good judgment and accurate pickers... those folks are only on there briefly. And they may return from time to time, but they tend identify appropriate dating partners pretty fast and get off of the sites. They are a small minority and they get chosen by others who have the same qualities.

 

But all of that being said, there are definitely good people on OLD and a lot of successful marriages and long-term relationships begin that way.

 

Since my divorce I have had five relationships (dated four months or longer), and four of those five began by meeting online. Two lasted more than a year. I've gone on a LOT of first dates to find four, though. Patience and persistence is what it takes in my opinion. And some amount of luck. But luck seems to correlate with persistence. I would have a difficult time meeting eligible people to day without it.

Edited May 11, 2017 by salparadise

[cominghome]

The people on OLD who are emotionally healthy, easily connect with others in an authentic way, have good judgment and accurate pickers... those folks are only on there briefly. And they may return from time to time, but they tend identify appropriate dating partners pretty fast and get off of the sites. They are a small minority and they get chosen by others who have the same qualities.

 

This perfectly describes my situation. I came out of a long relationship last year and was on OLD for about a week before I met someone who I dated for 3 months. Then, after a bit of time, went back onto OLD for two weeks, ended up dating someone for 5-6 months.

 

In general, I'm usually on these things very briefly, and have found a surprising amount of healthy and secure established people after I became better at picking. Most of the time they just weren't right for me, but they were authentic and warm.

 

I really am having the opposite experience of my friends who are doing online dating. I haven't been able to explain it.

[Titanll]

This perfectly describes my situation. I came out of a long relationship last year and was on OLD for about a week before I met someone who I dated for 3 months. Then, after a bit of time, went back onto OLD for two weeks, ended up dating someone for 5-6 months.

 

In general, I'm usually on these things very briefly, and have found a surprising amount of healthy and secure established people after I became better at picking. Most of the time they just weren't right for me, but they were authentic and warm.

 

I really am having the opposite experience of my friends who are doing online dating. I haven't been able to explain it.

 

The explanation is simple: you are attractive, healthy, happy, authentic, socially adept...or as I like to call it, normal.

 

OLD bashers have no luck in real life and then blame OLD because it's an easy target. They are reluctant to address the real problem(s).

[BryanSmiley]

The explanation is simple: you are attractive, healthy, happy, authentic, socially adept...or as I like to call it, normal.

 

OLD bashers have no luck in real life and then blame OLD because it's an easy target. They are reluctant to address the real problem(s).

 

Think there's some real generalising here too. Not saying there's not something to this. But we can't for the most part all agree that it's not easy finding a good connection and relationship these days, then at the same time criticise people whom just aren’t in a LTR at present and are using OLD.

 

There's huge numbers of people whom have come out of LTR's, seperated, and it's part of life, isn't all there fault or even at all. So you can't put them in the 'failing a life' box when they've jumped on OLD a few weeks. It's a cycle of life (although there does appear to be some relationship hoppers around).

 

There are un-deniable flaws with OLD in that it can be quite over saturated, un-realistic of the real world, relies on visual judgement for which we humans have a tendency to be over picky. Where if you got the same group of people in a public setting people those swipe right/ignores, would in person be attracted based on persona, conversation etc.

 

It’s also grey in that some people in LTR’s have settled, are leading less fulfilling, less sociable lives, whereas some on OLD are leading more fulfilling social lives and are constantly working on improving themselves without the comfort of a LTR.

Edited May 12, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Kamille]

Wow. I am not blaming online dating or anything. I am simply frustrated and confused why it doesn't work for me. So it sounds like you think online dating g is just fine and it's all my fault that I can't keep a long term relationship???

 

Why is it OLD's fault that those short term relationships didn't work? I'm not asking the question to be rude. I think you figuring out that answer could help you achieve one of two things:

1. Either figure out how to do OLD better
   
2. Or figure out how to be better at relationships.
   

 

 

I'm not saying OLD is easy. It isn't. But there is a point where the fact you met a guy on OLD stops being the primary dynamic of the relationship.

[anduina]

I too used to hate online dating and quit using it for awhile. Then I went back to it and met my fiance!

 

It's luck and timing, especially if you're picky and an introvert.

[Titanll]

Think there's some real generalising here too. Not saying there's not something to this. But we can't for the most part all agree that it's not easy finding a good connection and relationship these days, then at the same time criticise people whom just aren’t in a LTR at present and are using OLD.

 

There's huge numbers of people whom have come out of LTR's, seperated, and it's part of life, isn't all there fault or even at all. So you can't put them in the 'failing a life' box when they've jumped on OLD a few weeks. It's a cycle of life (although there does appear to be some relationship hoppers around).

 

There are un-deniable flaws with OLD in that it can be quite over saturated, un-realistic of the real world, relies on visual judgement for which we humans have a tendency to be over picky. Where if you got the same group of people in a public setting people those swipe right/ignores, would in person be attracted based on persona, conversation etc.

 

It’s also grey in that some people in LTR’s have settled, are leading less fulfilling, less sociable lives, whereas some on OLD are leading more fulfilling social lives and are constantly working on improving themselves without the comfort of a LTR.

 

I critisize no one other than someone blaming a perfectly good tool for meeting people. I couldn't care less if someone is in an LTR or not. Blaming OLD for one's lack of success is foolish. I suppose it would be time better spent to work on yourself rather than wasting time blaming OLD for your lack of dating success.

[Popsicle]

The thing that makes OLD worth it is that it is one place where there is an accumulation of other single people just like you. You all know your status. You don't have to weed through taken or married people. Which becomes more problematic as you get older.

[mortensorchid]

I've wondered many things about OLD myself. Once you have done it, you realize how it's really not a great thing, but you continue to do it because you feel as if there are few if any other options. You're supposed to meet people through friends, parties, activities, etc. But ... You don't. So it's really a Catch 22.

 

I just say it's what it is. I would like to think that there is someone for everyone out there (There's a lid for every pot kind of thinking). But ... Where and when? So we continue to do it because there's not much else to do.

[bluefeather]

Once you have done it, you realize how it's really not a great thing, but you continue to do it because you feel as if there are few if any other options.

 

Speak for yourself. I wouldn't continue to do it because there are few options. I continued to do it because it's fun! And I will still go out to be active and meet people. I got off OLD because I had a little too much contact. Forget talking with more than three at a time, so at that point I shut off my account. I want to keep being single and work on myself anyway, but I won't bash OLD because it served its purpose well enough for me, which was to create an extra way to meet people.

 

Like Popsicle said, it's an accumulation of singles, so if you would like a window to look through, there it is. But it's not the only one. There are other windows, and even a door to walk out of. To me, it is kind of like having fb, but the difference is that you have permission to, and are even expected to, flirt with everyone on it! And if something happens from it (a date or more), awesome. But don't use it as your only method of meeting people, otherwise you might be disappointed.