Online dating doesn't work for me?

[OatsAndHall]

There may be more men, but there's a lot of flakes on there. And so many women have been burned enough that they become jaded.

 

It goes both ways. I have sent out hundreds of messages over the years and only about half of the women have looked at my profile. None of my messages are crude or weird so that leads me to believe that the other half of these women are just looking at a single picture and weeding guys out that way. Now, I'm a reasonably good looking guy that takes care of himself. I'm certainly no Fabio but I'm also not a hideous Morlock either. I have had women say that they're not into guys with longer hair styles (ear length, not hippy hair..) or goatees so that explains it sometimes. Out of the women that may actually read my profile, a few message back and I get some dates.

 

Now, if women choose to use that single profile picture as their primary filtering tool, then so be it. I don't get frustrated by that anymore. But, I also stopped using OLD because it becomes too time consuming and a waste of energy. I'm a sociable, educated guy with a stable career and those attributes go a long way in the real world so I chose to meet women that way and ditched OLD. My brother is a child psychologist who is a decent looking, polite, personable guy who ditched OLD after a month of using it because of the same reasons.

 

So, the pickings become slimmer for women on OLD. And the chances of them getting burned on these sites is steadily increasing.

[FoundLove]

Online dating working for me - I've been happily married for 3 years now.

 

 

For the most part it doesn't.

 

Working for you?! Wait...You are still dating while being happily married? Well it takes all kinds of folks.

 

 

Made a simple typo... no longer dating, only married

[mushroomlol]

It goes both ways. I have sent out hundreds of messages over the years and only about half of the women have looked at my profile. None of my messages are crude or weird so that leads me to believe that the other half of these women are just looking at a single picture and weeding guys out that way. Now, I'm a reasonably good looking guy that takes care of himself. I'm certainly no Fabio but I'm also not a hideous Morlock either. I have had women say that they're not into guys with longer hair styles (ear length, not hippy hair..) or goatees so that explains it sometimes. Out of the women that may actually read my profile, a few message back and I get some dates.

 

Now, if women choose to use that single profile picture as their primary filtering tool, then so be it. I don't get frustrated by that anymore. But, I also stopped using OLD because it becomes too time consuming and a waste of energy. I'm a sociable, educated guy with a stable career and those attributes go a long way in the real world so I chose to meet women that way and ditched OLD. My brother is a child psychologist who is a decent looking, polite, personable guy who ditched OLD after a month of using it because of the same reasons.

 

So, the pickings become slimmer for women on OLD. And the chances of them getting burned on these sites is steadily increasing.

 

So where do you go out to meet girls?

[kendahke]

Originally Posted by mushroomlol

I am kind of picky when it comes to meet up with people.

 

 

You are successful at meeting guys; you're not successful at keeping them and that has nothing to do with a dating site.

[mushroomlol]

You are successful at meeting guys; you're not successful at keeping them and that has nothing to do with a dating site.

 

Wow. I am not blaming online dating or anything. I am simply frustrated and confused why it doesn't work for me. So it sounds like you think online dating g is just fine and it's all my fault that I can't keep a long term relationship???

[Miss Spider]

I guess you are right that I should change my attitude towards online dating. I want a long term relationship. My friends found them via online dating yet I tried but did not succeed. I said I am picky because I only met 9 person in 2 years yet my friends would usually go out with 10 person in 2 weeks.

 

This is your 'problem' but it's really not so much s problem. If you settled you'd probably wind up feeling miserable! The right person will come along.

[salparadise]

Wow. I am not blaming online dating or anything. I am simply frustrated and confused why it doesn't work for me. So it sounds like you think online dating g is just fine and it's all my fault that I can't keep a long term relationship???

 

Ah, the assumption contained in this question is revealing... that there has to either be something wrong with you, or online dating. That is false.

 

Again, the expectation is not realistic. Online dating works just fine, as evidenced by the fact that you've had relationships as a result and have met quite a few men despite being ultra picky.

 

There have been many, many marriages resulting from meeting online. But that does not equal "it's all my fault that I can't keep a long term relationship." It could just be that you haven't met the right guy yet. Who is doing the dumping? You or the guys? If it's you, then it's your choice. If it's the guys, well, who knows what the deal is... but still doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

 

You need to get more open-minded about the whole thing and quit expecting that every date is the beginning of dream fulfillment.

[SwordofFlame]

I guess you are right that I should change my attitude towards online dating. I want a long term relationship. My friends found them via online dating yet I tried but did not succeed. I said I am picky because I only met 9 person in 2 years yet my friends would usually go out with 10 person in 2 weeks.

 

Well the difference between you and your friends is that you're a lot pickier. There is nothing wrong with that, but the pickier you are, the harder it becomes to meet someone. Don't blame online dating for that.

[Miss Spider]

I felt awful with online dating. Even having a profile up made something feel icky inside. I couldn't put my finger on why. It's so commonplace, everyone whose opinion I care for knows I am single, so why did I feel ashamed?

 

I realized it wasn't me. I'm not set up for it

[Mkn1010]

I felt awful with online dating. Even having a profile up made something feel icky inside. I couldn't put my finger on why. It's so commonplace, everyone whose opinion I care for knows I am single, so why did I feel ashamed?

 

I realized it wasn't me. I'm not set up for it

 

 

This is exactly how I feel, the "icky" inside is just so true...it just doesn't feel right.

[zouz71]

For the most part it doesn't.

 

Working for you?! Wait...You are still dating while being happily married? Well it takes all kinds of folks.

 

 

I think she meant worked once ....

[Dis]

I've been OLDing for 1.75 years on and off...usually on

 

I know how hard it is. I've dated many guys....been burned quite a few times...but kept moving along...until now

 

I've had a lot going on in my life (nursing school and crazy upstairs neighbor problems) couple that with absolutely no luck past the 2nd date for the past 9 months...

 

And I'm done I at least need a break to recharge my batteries. I have nothing left to put in

 

I just deleted all my profiles. I'm so drained and disappointed. I tried so hard but nothing stuck

 

As for meeting guys through other avenues....I'd like the answer to that too. I'm kind of a homebody and all my friends dont know anyone to set me up with. Plus, guys never approach me when I'm out (well not never, but the ones that do I have no interest in)

 

When I deleted all my profiles the other night, I was pretty upset and for some reason a quote from Shawshank Redemption popped into my head... 'Get busy living or get busy dying' Kind of an extreme quote for my situation but I do feel like I havent enjoyed my life for the past 1.75 years because I was so focused on what I wanted...instead of what I have

 

Maybe we just need to live our lives while putting ourselves out there by doing simple things...like going out with our girl friends to dinner or drinks....like going to any parties we're invited too. Being more approachable when we're out getting groceries

 

I hate this saying so much but...it'll happen when its supposed to happen. I know that. So for now...I'm going to get busy living

[Mkn1010]

Girls, I just need to tell you a really hopeful story I just heard....

A good friend of mine has been single for the last SIX or so years, she's 30 years old and a very smart/sweet/gorgeous girl who got cheated on by her one long term partner in her early twenties.

 

 

She tried online dating for a loooong time, had only short relationships all with men who didn't want anything serious in the end. One day she just gave up, she said that she can no longer handle the constant disappointments (and even the fleeting experiences that really add no value to her life).

 

 

Anyway, yesterday she messaged our group saying that a bizarre thing happened to her (something that never happens), she was leaving the park last night on her way back to her car when a guy literally popped out of nowhere, and was seemingly heading in the same direction. It then started bucketing down rain and so they both ran back to their cars which evidently were parked right next to each other. He then asked for her number and he's already messaged her

 

 

Not sure what will happen in the above scenario but the point is that we discount the possibility of something happening organically while our heads are stuffed in our phone/computer screens heavily focused on online dating. And yes, the opportunities in real life are few and far between for most people (even extremely beautiful women), but they do happen if you permit yourself to be patient.

 

 

I truly don't think anyone needs an 'approach' other than living their lives and doing things that allow them to be happy and open to meeting new people.

[CarbonCopy]

I felt awful with online dating. Even having a profile up made something feel icky inside. I couldn't put my finger on why. It's so commonplace, everyone whose opinion I care for knows I am single, so why did I feel ashamed?

 

I realized it wasn't me. I'm not set up for it

 

I hate online dating! It felt so good to get rid of my profile (the last time I tried OLD was back in 2014). Not for me, nor do I think I will meet 'the one' on there. I hate the whole process.

[Dis]

Girls, I just need to tell you a really hopeful story I just heard....

A good friend of mine has been single for the last SIX or so years, she's 30 years old and a very smart/sweet/gorgeous girl who got cheated on by her one long term partner in her early twenties.

 

 

She tried online dating for a loooong time, had only short relationships all with men who didn't want anything serious in the end. One day she just gave up, she said that she can no longer handle the constant disappointments (and even the fleeting experiences that really add no value to her life).

 

 

Anyway, yesterday she messaged our group saying that a bizarre thing happened to her (something that never happens), she was leaving the park last night on her way back to her car when a guy literally popped out of nowhere, and was seemingly heading in the same direction. It then started bucketing down rain and so they both ran back to their cars which evidently were parked right next to each other. He then asked for her number and he's already messaged her

 

 

Not sure what will happen in the above scenario but the point is that we discount the possibility of something happening organically while our heads are stuffed in our phone/computer screens heavily focused on online dating. And yes, the opportunities in real life are few and far between for most people (even extremely beautiful women), but they do happen if you permit yourself to be patient.

 

 

I truly don't think anyone needs an 'approach' other than living their lives and doing things that allow them to be happy and open to meeting new people.

 

Hey girl!

 

Awww thats the sweetest story ever!

 

I really hope it works out for her!

 

I totally agree that we become dependent on OLD instead just being open to something happening IRL. We almost get lazy and expect a guy to just fall in our laps.

 

I think we're missing out on a lot of the beauty of life and unexpected interactions because we're so glued to our phones. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to just strike up a convo with a guy instead of the awkward forced exchanges on OLD

 

As for the bold...totally agree with your friend there

 

All my LTRs happened IRL...not online dating

 

I do think OLD works for some...maybe it could work for me in time but for now I cant find the strength to keep going

 

I'm just going to try to be more open IRL. Maybe take off the RBF lol

[Miss Spider]

Hey girl!

 

Awww thats the sweetest story ever!

 

I really hope it works out for her!

 

I totally agree that we become dependent on OLD instead just being open to something happening IRL. We almost get lazy and expect a guy to just fall in our laps.

 

I think we're missing out on a lot of the beauty of life and unexpected interactions because we're so glued to our phones. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to just strike up a convo with a guy instead of the awkward forced exchanges on OLD

 

As for the bold...totally agree with your friend there

 

All my LTRs happened IRL...not online dating

 

I do think OLD works for some...maybe it could work for me in time but for now I cant find the strength to keep going

 

I'm just going to try to be more open IRL. Maybe take off the RBF lol

Long, but I just need to vent.

 

This and what others said...

It is exhausting. For some reason it sucks the life out of me. I had to quit. It definitely works better for some than others. Some enjoy the process of OLD itself, even if it goes nowhere. It's way too clinical/detached(among other things) for me.

 

I also think people who successfully find relationships through OLD have much more lax expectations of not only outcome, but the person they're seeking. They drop expectations in order to find someone. But for the majority, it's the complete opposite. Expectations go way up to absurdity. It's so much easier to talk yourself into not going on date 2 because there's more where that came from(and it's not like you met through a friend, much less a serendipitous way) Or they're missing your 'profile' because you're 41, not 40 or 5'11", not 6', theyre too busy getting their inbox flooded. The list goes on...

 

Add to that by its nature, OLD is a magnet for players, socially awks, emotionally unavailables, emotionally unstables , and of course, your standard "I'm bat#%*!, but try to conceal it online(and sometimes it works)"s lol. Not to suggest anyones perfect, even in the standard pop.

 

But a lot of people go against their distaste of it all and do it. Which is a great way to find romance, right?! /sarcasm. It's like "I don't like this, but I'm not finding what I want out here, and maybe it wasn't so bad..."

 

People ARE too cut off these days. Where I'm at, your average person sees no reason to interact with a stranger. I'm talking even at bars, sometimes. And it gets weirder to daily, I'm afraid. A lot of men flat-out refuse to initiate/cold approach. "It's weird to talk to a woman you don't know. Why should I assume she wants to talk?"

 

If she's really beautiful, I'm sure a guy can have more reasons to talk themselves out of it "If I talk to her, I'll just be another guy creeping on her" "she's probably taken anyway " etc. So a lot of men need a good reason to talk to you and even more to ask you out.

 

OLD is one way to alleviate that problem, I guess. But price too large for me.

 

I do think everyone's dating life could benefit from being more approachable, putting themselves out there, and putting themselves at risk of rejection too. But above all,just doing what makes then happy. I really believe, as that adorable story illustrates, that it's when you're not looking for "it" you happen upon "it". Too many people use OLD it as a means to an end and torturing themselves in the process lol

[CptInsano]

People ARE too cut off these days. Where I'm at, your average person sees no reason to interact with a stranger. I'm talking even at bars, sometimes. And it gets weirder to daily, I'm afraid. A lot of men flat-out refuse to initiate/cold approach. "It's weird to talk to a woman you don't know. Why should I assume she wants to talk?"

 

I think it depends a lot of who you are and where you live. I moved around the US a lot until a few years ago. Some larger cities are way more open to interactions among strangers than others, and the smartphone hasn't changed that, it's a part of the overall culture.

 

I'm older than you, but I talk to strangers pretty much on a daily basis. But it is also very much my choice, in only happens automatically in a very few cases.

 

Whereas other men may refuse to talk to women, my mouth starts moving even before I'm fully aware of it, and I doubt that I'm alone with that tendency.

[The_Thall_Man]

I think it depends a lot of who you are and where you live. I moved around the US a lot until a few years ago. Some larger cities are way more open to interactions among strangers than others, and the smartphone hasn't changed that, it's a part of the overall culture.

 

Which ones were those?

[CptInsano]

Which ones were those?

 

Probably Chicago is still my favorite, but Dallas and also New York City did amazingly well. The San Francisco Bay Area was probably the worst. Even though spending a few months in L.A. was very sobering, too.

 

It's generally better in places that have a defined city center and where people use public transportation, meaning they are accustomed to talking with strangers, even if on a superficial level.

[Larryville]

I do think everyone's dating life could benefit from being more approachable, putting themselves out there, and putting themselves at risk of rejection too.

 

But how people feel these days are affecting that…

 

The thing is what I am seeing far more of on OLD sites in the profiles is far more religious, racial, and political rejections and blatant hostility towards those we wish to avoid.

So many more of these ALL CAPS attack rants about rude, nasty and disrespectful dudes.

 

I don’t have an issue with “preferences” you are entitled to prefer they type of person you want to be with. The thing is the profiles get away from just the pure substance of the individual to ridiculous rants against a person of a certain weight, political preference, social or societal, racial… people are just more mean and nasty about expressing it.

 

People are getting angrier and seemingly more rude and boorish. Like the dude in the other thread that just dissed woman in a mean way, that kind of societal angst trickles down to all of us whether that is in a social setting or OLD.

[The_Thall_Man]

Probably Chicago is still my favorite, but Dallas and also New York City did amazingly well. The San Francisco Bay Area was probably the worst. Even though spending a few months in L.A. was very sobering, too.

 

It's generally better in places that have a defined city center and where people use public transportation, meaning they are accustomed to talking with strangers, even if on a superficial level.

 

I've heard so many bad things about the California cities for dating. Between that and the cost of living, the entire state is off the table to move to.

[Spring23]

Maybe we just need to live our lives while putting ourselves out there by doing simple things...like going out with our girl friends to dinner or drinks....like going to any parties we're invited too. Being more approachable when we're out getting groceries

 

 

That's excellent advice!

 

I have a single friend who is an attractive, well-traveled professional woman who loathes OLD. She did it for a while but found it creepy. Now she spends time out and about in the world doing stuff she likes. Even if you don't meet someone at least you're enjoying your life.

[CptInsano]

I've heard so many bad things about the California cities for dating. Between that and the cost of living, the entire state is off the table to move to.

 

California has a lot of good aspects, and if it wasn't for the traffic and the cost of living I would still be there. But, it feels that many people lead very private lives there. I made a lot of friends at work, but people tend to keep to themselves in public a lot.

 

And I'm talking about the cities. California is also very rural, and those country saloons that are half Latino and half redneck are truly a blast.

[BryanSmiley]

It is very disillusioning but you can’t blame the sites/apps themselves too much as ultimately the people on them are all it comes down to.

 

I’ve got mixed feelings on OLD, probably 80/20 right now in terms of negatives/positives.

 

From a guys perspective it doesn’t seem such good odd’s as the girls are either in-undated thus filtering out anyone under 9/10 in looks (whether the lucky winners are any good is another question). Essentially over saturation. It’s almost like being in a club where at the beginning it was 70/30 guy to female ratio and it steadily gets worse. Dare I say to the OP, you are in part, part of the problem when you admit to being picky. For all you know that 7/10 looking guy mighta become a 8/10 had you given his personality a shot.

 

But it does work both ways. One of the frustrating things with it all is even when you do get a match or some talking going, one party often goes quiet. It’s infuriating because you’ve both declared you are attracted to one another. I think there’s an ego game here in that after you’ve obtained that validation many of us lose interest. Think we can do better. Were all guilty of it and it’s a huge part of the overall problem with OLD. But it’s the ruddy humans fault really!

[S_A]

I think women in general tend to be very picky with online dating. What makes matters worse is that, when trying to date online, they tend to want guys with contradictory traits. A crappy example: the bad boy with a heard of gold. Guys seem to get measured more against contradictory traits when online.

 

I personally do not have experience in dating online, but as someone that sort of studies it, there are other self-created obstacles as well (for both men and women).