starreyes Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Hello everyone...I have been reading everyone's advice and you have all been great with helping someone with a situation...so here I am.... I got involved with a MM about 6 months ago and I am married too. We clicked with each other immediately and just really enjoyed each other. We met in a chat room and decided to meet for real. We got along so well, it was scary. As we got to know each other better and better, the feelings grew. He realized he was falling in love with me and I know that scared him. Things got to be very intense the last few weeks. Maybe too intense for him. I have never asked him to leave his wife and kids and he never asked to leave mine. We wouldn't do that..we could never break up our families. We would talk to each other constantly and couldn't wait to get together and see each other when we could. We shared so much and the relationship between us is unbelieveable. He would constantly tell me he would like to be with me all the time, but we can't. I think it got to be too intense for him because about 4 weeks ago, he said he was going to try couciling with his wife because he has to make things better at home. I believe he is more unhappy than me at home. I agreed he should do it and he told me he can't see me for a while BUT still wants to talk, chat with me. I understood all that but it's changed....changed alot. He doesn't flirt with me as much, never says he misses me anymore, etc. It's like he's trying to not let his feelings show anymore but still wants me around. Just recently I talked with him and he told me that he and his wife went to one session but no more. He thinks he should be going on his own to coucilling to try to straighten things out. We're both going on vacation so I suggested we see each other after the vacations and he agreed. Why has the relationship gone down to no flirting or not talking as much? Did he just need a break from it? We still chat once a day, but it's not like it used to be at all. I really do want to see him again, and I'm sure I'll get bashed for that. But how can you mean so much to someone, and then they treat you like this? I'm trying to keep busy so it doesn't hurt as much - but it still does. Thanks for listening.
Owl Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Well, I'm going to reply with the obvious, and I want to caveat it with THIS IS NOT A BASH! It's pretty obvious that the relationship between the two of you is interfering with his relationships at home. There's no way to avoid it. And unless you're some kind of consumate actress and capable of completely compartmentalizing your life, you're experiencing this to some degree at home as well. It's very likely that he's trying to fix the damage at home...and the only real way for that to happen is to end this relationship with you. It's painful, it sucks, but it really is the only hope that EITHER of your marriages and families have. Realistically, you've got to realize that this can't go on forever like it is...something WILL give. One or the other will get caught, or your home lives will deteriorate (due to the amount of energy you're putting into your affair) to a point where one or the other WILL ask to end the relationship, or end your marriages. At this point, I say walk away and fix your OWN marriage. Let him handle his.
Author starreyes Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 Thank you Owl - basically, I was thinking the same thing, but it's good to see it in writing so I can read it right before my eyes. I know it should end, and in a perfect world, it would, but I guess we both don't have the courage to do that yet. I believe what you said that it can't go on realistically like this forever..something has to give. This is such a hard situation since feelings are involved. And you're right, it sucks. lol
kkat Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 I am sorry that you are in pain. I think your MM has realized that the relationship with you isn't going to fix what ails him - you mentioned that neither one of you had any intention of leaving your marriages - so it sounds like he is actually the rare MM who deals with the reality that since this can't continue, it should stop sooner rather than later. I think in the long run, he is doing you a huge favor, although I doubt it feels like it at the time. Try to look at it this way: The fact that he wants to work on his marriage is not a reflection of his relationship with you. In fact, your relationship with him was a result, partially, of the weaknesses and issues in his marriage. Because you, or he, aren't willing to end the marriages, his only option of any logic really is to work on his marriage. Do you think there are things you could do to work on your marriage and help you be happier with your husband? Sending you great thoughts for a quick bounceback from this....
Author starreyes Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kkat I think your MM has realized that the relationship with you isn't going to fix what ails him - you mentioned that neither one of you had any intention of leaving your marriages - so it sounds like he is actually the rare MM who deals with the reality that since this can't continue, it should stop sooner rather than later. kkat, thank you for your kind words. I am confused I guess because if he wants to really end this, shouldn't we NOT be talking? We still chat every day, even though it isn't the same as it used to be. I remember him tellling me he has to "keep his feelings in check" because we are so intense together. We could very easily see ourselves together in the future, but we could never do that to our families since kids are involved. Maybe it's good to just take a break like this. We're not seeing each other, yet still chatting a little. Yes, I can work on my marriage to get happier...I know I can. The problem is that the MM and I enjoyed doing so much with each other, it's not the same as doing things with our spouses. Oh, a tangled web we weave..lol
kkat Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Well, in my situation, I was available, technically speaking, although I am realizing more and more not so available emotionally, but my MM certainly thought, at least most of the time I was available to him, but he was not available and past a point, more recently, verbalized that he realized he was not prepared to end his marriage and basically had no intention of doing so. However, his actions showed he still wanted to be in touch with me, although generally, he would not act on sexual desires - he still verbalized his sexual attraction often, and occasionally there were "slips" but I have only had sexual encounters with him a handful of times in almost a year...yet I spoke to him on average 20 hours a week or more (ok that's freaking me out just thinking of what I could have done with that time...) during the past year, he always dropped off gifts for me, would want to get together, talk on the phone, stay in contact. It's similar to your thing...they want to stay in touch but not be in a real relationship per se... The thing is, and I am having a hard time learning this lesson the hard way... We can fantasize all day long about how much better it would be to do X (insert favorite thing here, whatever it is) with the MM, or we can go out and do X (or Y, or Z) with anyone, even alone. I would rather be at the beach, in a restaurant, in a wine bar, talking, sexing, sleeping, cooking, anything, with my ex-MM than with anyone in the world. Anyone. But he is not available. So I am better off to sit on a park bench alone, or go to the beach or a restaurant with a girlfriend, or whatever, than sit and dream of something I can't have. I am not making a great point here, but what I wanted to say is that even though you feel like you prefer to be with MM, you have decided to stay with your H, so as harsh as this sounds, if you can come up with something - anything - that you can enjoy doing with your H, you'll be ahead of where you are now...
Author starreyes Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kkat It's similar to your thing...they want to stay in touch but not be in a real relationship per se... So kkat, are you happy then - still staying in touch with him yet knowing that you two are not getting together? Or are you doing NC right now? I guess that's where I am now. Do I still maintain the contact, even though it isn't as much as it used to be...or our conversations aren't what they used to be? I know, after our vacations, that we will probably get together. But, after him treating me like this, maybe I'm the fool for staying in touch.
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