ZA Dater Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Buoyed by the advice given here I decided to try Okcupid again and got chatting with someone who in what must be a very rare moment, found me interesting. I managed to get things moving along quite rapidly and a day later met her for a light dinner. Overall I think everything went quite well, her personality did impress me, her conversational skills were good and in what must be an even rare occasion I found it easy to make her laugh. Conversation went smoothly and it was a nice time. I then decided to take the conversation to a quieter coffee shop which she surprisingly agreed to it was here things went somewhat downhill but before you go "ah typical" read on. We continued to chat and basically she was honest enough to say she found me extremely interesting but not someone she would be romantically interested in by virtue of the fact she could see I didn't have a dominating personality. Kudos to her because she was honest which more than many have been with me but it got me thinking, this is the second time I have had this label applied, do ALL women want this dominating guy? Is it absolutely vital? Must be honest in terms of looks she perhaps wasn't my cup of tea either but she did have a pretty face which mostly made up for that and a nice smile. Perhaps the most important thing this forum has taught me is to simply not get bogged down by rejection, which I guess this was but oddly I don't really feel bad at all, sure didn't feel nice to be told that but a day later it hardly registers with me. I took the value out of this, she has offered friendship which is fine with me, I can take some value from that. 1
coolheadal Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Friend-zone, why would you accept that. If you didn't date her then it's okay. But you took her on a date. Now your blank-buddy. Just write her off, and don't settle for something you are not attracted too. She just use you to go out and buy her something food, drink whatever you spent your money on her with. You never got the chance to know her. But you know now she's just a player on OKC. I am talking two women on there right now. One wants to take it slow and doesn't have free time for this dating thing on OKC, but her account is one of the old ones with the old format. I keep her to one side. I know she gets hit with a lot of messages. Takes her forever to reply back. The only reason why I say this is that she and I are Masters of our trade. That's why. You learned how most of these women are. You can be nice, sweet guy, but man you have to be a leader with confidence. You need to change your game plan. Don't be so quick to take them out and spend money on them. What do you get in return? Being placed in friend-zone.. Try again but next time make sure they're into you first. Don't run off to take them so soon, without knowing them for a week or 2.
BaileyB Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 No, not all women want a dominating guy but every woman wants a man with confidence. Reading your post, it is clear that you need to develop more confidence. I say this based in the number of times that you say "in a rare moment" and " before you say "ah typical."" Both statements are self defeating and you have to stop thinking like that! Confidence, is attractive to everyone and sometimes you just have to fake it, until you make it. 9
CptInsano Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 No, not all women want a dominating guy but every woman wants a man with confidence. [...] I'm not even sure if confidence is the right word, but I don't know of a better one in the English language. Nonchalance doesn't quite hit it either, but the German Gelassenheit does. Being calm but still interested, essentially the opposite of needy, hits the mark from my perspceptive. One may not be confident that he wins over his date, but he is calm and self-assured enough to deal with it. In the OP's case, if he was able to make the woman laugh and trust him to go somewhere else with him, I would say he was probably 50% there. I'm not sure what happened after that. 7
Tressugar Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 I'm glad you got something out of this experience. Eat the meat, spit out the bones. 2
Jacob_Duluoz Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Sadly, I'm starting think that yes, they're hoping Christian Grey will just show up just for them on a date! 1
act00 Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 I'm glad she was upfront with you. I'm not sure what she means by a dominant male or what she wants. We all want a man with confidence. We don't necessarily want dominance. Most women want an equal. If your personality is kind of passive, and you just kind of go with whatever she wants and cannot make a solid decision on your own, make a plan, make a suggestion, then you may find it harder to find a woman who wants that. It seems as though you did take the lead in meeting and time and place, so you weren't a wet noodle. I'm not clear what it is she wants exactly, but it sounds like you are a nice guy and things went well, but the chemistry was missing. What does she want? Does she want someone who dictates her life? What does she mean by dominant? Are you a more passive individual? You got a few hours of what sounds like a pleasant night, and I guess U-pick if you want to maintain a friendship, but obviously this one is no longer relationship material.
Titanll Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Buoyed by the advice given here I decided to try Okcupid again and got chatting with someone who in what must be a very rare moment, found me interesting. I managed to get things moving along quite rapidly and a day later met her for a light dinner. Overall I think everything went quite well, her personality did impress me, her conversational skills were good and in what must be an even rare occasion I found it easy to make her laugh. Conversation went smoothly and it was a nice time. I then decided to take the conversation to a quieter coffee shop which she surprisingly agreed to it was here things went somewhat downhill but before you go "ah typical" read on. We continued to chat and basically she was honest enough to say she found me extremely interesting but not someone she would be romantically interested in by virtue of the fact she could see I didn't have a dominating personality. Kudos to her because she was honest which more than many have been with me but it got me thinking, this is the second time I have had this label applied, do ALL women want this dominating guy? Is it absolutely vital? Must be honest in terms of looks she perhaps wasn't my cup of tea either but she did have a pretty face which mostly made up for that and a nice smile. Perhaps the most important thing this forum has taught me is to simply not get bogged down by rejection, which I guess this was but oddly I don't really feel bad at all, sure didn't feel nice to be told that but a day later it hardly registers with me. I took the value out of this, she has offered friendship which is fine with me, I can take some value from that. Kudos. you did a good job of learning from an experience. I was expecting a whine fest! It's awesome that she could discern your personality over coffee...must be a wizard or something. Of course, no "all women" statement is true. She didn't feel or see some things in you that she needed to feel a romantic connection. She gave you insight into what she thought was missing for her: a dominating personality. If YOU feel like you have some things that you need to change, then have at it. Otherwise, who cares? Hypothetically, if you were to develop a more dominating personality, your very next date would be put off by that...then we would have a thread about women wanting more submissive men. Just be yourself and carry on. 2
normal person Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 (edited) We continued to chat and basically she was honest enough to say she found me extremely interesting but not someone she would be romantically interested in by virtue of the fact she could see I didn't have a dominating personality. Kudos to her because she was honest which more than many have been with me but it got me thinking, this is the second time I have had this label applied, do ALL women want this dominating guy? Is it absolutely vital? Here we are back to the "nice guys finish last" adage. Likely every woman will have a preference for a different degree of "dominance," but no woman wants a passive man. At the very least, most want you to be strong, in control, decisive, a leader, etc. It may make you seem like a bit of a jerk, but that's what a lot of women want. They want to see that you have a spine and that you put yourself first rather than last, which is what I've espoused many times in your threads. If they feel like you're deferring to her too much, or doing too much for her to soon, you may seem weak, "too nice," etc. In my opinion, you should find the right balance between taking and giving, telling and asking, etc. In my opinion it should be moderately skewed towards the formers early on, then as she "earns" your time and attention you can start balancing it out more. You have to find the right ratio and then the right pace at which to ease into the process of compromising a bit for her. A few weeks back I had plans to meet up with someone for the first time. The night of, she pushed it back an hour and I reluctantly agreed because I was nearly at the bar already. Then, after an hour, she had to cancel. Fine, it happens. A week later she suggested we try again and was very late again, and texted me ahead of time suggesting that she was horrible and that maybe I should just go home. Normally I would, but I had already gone down there 2x, it was cold out, I figured if I put all the effort in I might as well meet this girl. So I wait a little longer and she eventually shows up. For the first 5 minutes, I was very stand-offish and gave her a stern interrogation as to why the hell she kept me waiting so long twice. She accepted it, understood, she bought all the drinks, and confided that if I had just said something like "oh, it's ok, don't worry about it being late," she would've been very turned off, as I expected. Women want to know that you have a spine and aren't going to take much crap. [] Edited April 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clean up response to troll ~6
OatsAndHall Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 I have found that there is a difference between a woman wanting to see self-confidence out of a man and "dominance". Most women want to be with a guy who has self-confidence but there are others that want a guy who is an "alpha male". I was out with a woman once who told me that a man had to be "dominant" in a relationship. I disagreed with her and said that I wanted relationships to be a 50/50 split. She said she was surprised at that statement because she thought I had a "dominant" personality. I didn't understand that in the least as I was just being myself: chatty and self-confident. Another woman asked me if I was an "alpha male". I told her that I wasn't an "alpha male" nor a "beta male"; I give respect to people and just asked for the same in return. Then she claimed to be an "alpha female" and the date went to sh-t as she was abrasive and confrontational the rest of the time. It sounds like you carried yourself with a disarming nonchalance throughout the date; kudos for that. Maybe she mistook that for a lack of self-confidence which is unfortunate. Or, maybe she's like the two women I described above. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted April 16, 2017 Author Posted April 16, 2017 I think it was probably more of wanting an Alpha Male, she wasn't interested in the romantic side because of that which I guess means she probably picked up a lack of sexual experience. Doesn't really bother me too much to be honest, I have a lot going on at the moment to keep me occupied, will keep the friend line open, nothing to loose there and sure if I pick up a dinner or whatever with her it wont change my life spending the money. Socially it seemed to work this time which is quite rare so that's a positive, there are a few tinder possibilities but there doesn't seem to much intellect with any of them thus far, one is Russian which ticks the exotic category with me, this past one has a German background. I must again thank the forum for helping me not to feel so bad after these rejections. K has moved in with her bf and surprisingly I didn't feel so bad about that either.
Titanll Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 Jesus, no wonder I get laid so easily and often. If you aren't dominant, alpha or otherwise a man, I say fake it until you make it. Whine, piss and moan about this post all you want but, generally speaking, women like men. Being a man does come with some responsibilities in my opinion. I cringe when I hear guys saying things like some of the posts here... 1
Author ZA Dater Posted April 16, 2017 Author Posted April 16, 2017 Jesus, no wonder I get laid so easily and often. If you aren't dominant, alpha or otherwise a man, I say fake it until you make it. Whine, piss and moan about this post all you want but, generally speaking, women like men. Being a man does come with some responsibilities in my opinion. I cringe when I hear guys saying things like some of the posts here... Good for you. I'd be fascinated to hear how you define being a man but I suspect the entire topic is irrelevant as to the content above but supposing you are correct I guess women love sexually dominant guys. Why being dominant is so vitally important I have no idea.
BaileyB Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 (edited) Why being dominant is so vitally important I have no idea. It is biology. To a certain extent, many women want a man who is confident and will take care of her and her children. Just as many men are attracted to a beautiful, feminine woman with whom they want to have sex and procreate. I'm not saying "dominant" is a good thing... but confidence, and strength, and the ability to lead is certainly a good thing for many women... To do that, with kindness, humor, and a sense of humility is the gold mine. That's a guy you keep forever, IMHO. Edited April 16, 2017 by BaileyB 7
Author ZA Dater Posted April 16, 2017 Author Posted April 16, 2017 It is biology. To a certain extent, many women want a man who is confident and will take care of her and her children. Just as many men are attracted to a beautiful, feminine woman with whom they want to have sex and procreate. I'm not saying "dominant" is a good thing... but confidence, and strength, and the ability to lead is certainly a good thing for many women... To do that, with kindness, humor, and a sense of humility is the gold mine. That's a guy you keep forever, IMHO. Oh well as they say such is life, I thought I was dominant enough guess I wasn't. No big deal, there might be something else to make me smile. But yes I guess I can add this to probably the main issue I struggle, just simply too nice and not bossy enough. Am going to keep positive or try to. Not really too sure where my receptive target market is. 1
normal person Posted April 16, 2017 Posted April 16, 2017 (edited) Good for you. I'd be fascinated to hear how you define being a man but I suspect the entire topic is irrelevant as to the content above but supposing you are correct I guess women love sexually dominant guys. He's not wrong, though. "Fake it 'til you make it" is pretty practical advice in this scenario. Women do like men. By that I mean that there's great appeal in the ability to lead, be in control, protect, provide, never be worried, scared, insecure, etc. On a primal level, many really do desire a "dominant" masculine presence because it evokes safety and good genes. [] Whine, piss and moan about this post all you want but, generally speaking, women like men. Being a man does come with some responsibilities in my opinion. I will fully agree here. A big part of being a man is simply assuming a lot of responsibility (taking control, leading, making decisions, paying for things, providing, protecting). Dominance is a demonstrable indication of that. I'm not saying women don't also assume responsibility, but they have different kinds. At the end of the day, men have a genetic predisposition to do certain things, women have a biological attraction to it, and vice versa. As a man, it's in your favor to appeal to the biological desires of women. I know that can be difficult as changes in society start to suggest that women should assume some of these roles in the interest of equality. That is something to consider, but I would take it with a grain of salt -- few woman I've been out with have ever (seriously) insisted we split a check, woman aren't as eager to fight on the front lines of battle. If you're about to be mugged, it's unlikely your girlfriend will jump in front of you while you cower behind her. Odds are, when you travel somewhere, it's just assumed that the man drives and the woman doesn't. Be cautious about these new societal notions, I doubt they will ever totally subvert biology. We still have gender roles and though the voices calling for their reevaluation may be loud sometimes, I think it'll be a long time before these roles are subverted in any meaningful way. I think lots of women want "equality," but not at the expense of mens' masculinity. I've had great success with women by being a resourceful, dominant, decisive man -- by appealing to female biology, not necessarily to society. Edited April 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clean up response to troll ~6
Marc878 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Perhaps you should read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download Strength comes in many forms. You don't have to be a caveman but women are drawn to it. Better learn to stand up for yourself and be able to say "no" and mean it. Relationships should be balanced @ 50/50. If you go overboard it can lead to being taken advantage of and losing respect.
Mkn1010 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I'm a woman, very much dislike dominating men! Christian Grey and that 50 Shades crap does NOTHING for me! Not a thing
Grey40 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 I'm going to agree here and say that it's confidence that's the key. Dominating isn't quite the word. Just be a "Man" that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to take action. That's really it, to be honest. The main difference between "alpha" and "beta" is in the lack of confidence. Betas overthink things, overanalyze and because of that hesitate and don't take action. We've all been in that scenario before. I don't think you're born one way or the other, I think you can certainly change it. I'm a lot less beta now than I was back in High School for example. Alphas just ooze confidence. They don't care what people think of them, and they go for what they want, are upfront, direct and don't hesitate..and in most cases, don't think, they use instinct more than logic...and that is what tends to cause a lot of natural attraction.
Emilia Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 A few weeks back I had plans to meet up with someone for the first time. The night of, she pushed it back an hour and I reluctantly agreed because I was nearly at the bar already. Then, after an hour, she had to cancel. Fine, it happens. A week later she suggested we try again and was very late again, and texted me ahead of time suggesting that she was horrible and that maybe I should just go home. Normally I would, but I had already gone down there 2x, it was cold out, I figured if I put all the effort in I might as well meet this girl. So I wait a little longer and she eventually shows up. For the first 5 minutes, I was very stand-offish and gave her a stern interrogation as to why the hell she kept me waiting so long twice. She accepted it, understood, she bought all the drinks, and confided that if I had just said something like "oh, it's ok, don't worry about it being late," she would've been very turned off, as I expected. Women want to know that you have a spine and aren't going to take much crap. You should have called it off the second time she pulled this stunt and not speak to her again. If you have anything with her, it will be filled with drama. She will do something to cross your boundaries, you will give her the response she wants (a telling off, a bit of drama, whatever) and this is how you end up in a dysfunctional relationship. If you want women with boundaries, you should set yours. 1
Emilia Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 We continued to chat and basically she was honest enough to say she found me extremely interesting but not someone she would be romantically interested in by virtue of the fact she could see I didn't have a dominating personality. Kudos to her because she was honest which more than many have been with me but it got me thinking, this is the second time I have had this label applied, do ALL women want this dominating guy? She sounds young. Younger girls want someone dominant in general yes. Once they become more mature, experienced and turn into a woman, not so much. Or at least fewer of them do.
Spring23 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Buoyed by the advice given here I decided to try Okcupid again and got chatting with someone who in what must be a very rare moment, found me interesting. I managed to get things moving along quite rapidly and a day later met her for a light dinner. Overall I think everything went quite well, her personality did impress me, her conversational skills were good and in what must be an even rare occasion I found it easy to make her laugh. Conversation went smoothly and it was a nice time. I then decided to take the conversation to a quieter coffee shop which she surprisingly agreed to it was here things went somewhat downhill but before you go "ah typical" read on. We continued to chat and basically she was honest enough to say she found me extremely interesting but not someone she would be romantically interested in by virtue of the fact she could see I didn't have a dominating personality. Kudos to her because she was honest which more than many have been with me but it got me thinking, this is the second time I have had this label applied, do ALL women want this dominating guy? Is it absolutely vital? Must be honest in terms of looks she perhaps wasn't my cup of tea either but she did have a pretty face which mostly made up for that and a nice smile. Perhaps the most important thing this forum has taught me is to simply not get bogged down by rejection, which I guess this was but oddly I don't really feel bad at all, sure didn't feel nice to be told that but a day later it hardly registers with me. I took the value out of this, she has offered friendship which is fine with me, I can take some value from that. She sounds like a good person to be friends with and you should definitively keep in touch. She might have a single girlfriend who would be perfect for you. I don't know what she meant by dominant personality. Maybe she likes those guys who talk a lot and come across like car salesmen? IDK. Not all women find that interesting; when I was dating I found that irritating. My eyes would glaze over and I'd pray the check would come soon. Keep dating.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Sadly, I'm starting think that yes, they're hoping Christian Grey will just show up just for them on a date! Nah. Just someone with confidence and is comfortable taking charge when need be. I don't understand why anyone or the OP's date would want someone who has a dominating personality. That doesn't seem to be a positive attribute in my opinion. I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not. I am confident, yet accommodating when necessary. Respectful at all times. Sex becomes a natural transitional development w/o pretenses. And this alpha-male or alpha-female stuff is hilarious. I've dated a few so-called alpha-females and the are as vulnerable as anyone else once you break down their walls. Behind every one of these alphas is an insecurity that they do better concealing.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 Nah. Just someone with confidence and is comfortable taking charge when need be. I don't understand why anyone or the OP's date would want someone who has a dominating personality. That doesn't seem to be a positive attribute in my opinion. I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not. I am confident, yet accommodating when necessary. Respectful at all times. Sex becomes a natural transitional development w/o pretenses. And this alpha-male or alpha-female stuff is hilarious. I've dated a few so-called alpha-females and the are as vulnerable as anyone else once you break down their walls. Behind every one of these alphas is an insecurity that they do better concealing. Except that's not what she said. She didn't say confident personality, she said dominant personality. They're not looking for sex as "a natural transitional development w/o pretenses" they're looking for massive pretension with sexual aggression and when they don't get that immediately they write the person off preventing anything "natural" from happen. In short, they find the idea of someone else having sexual power over them attractive, they're not looking for a romantic partnership, they're looking for entertainment. And OP don't take this woman up on her offer of friendship, she's no friend at all.
normal person Posted April 17, 2017 Posted April 17, 2017 You should have called it off the second time she pulled this stunt and not speak to her again. If you have anything with her, it will be filled with drama. She will do something to cross your boundaries, you will give her the response she wants (a telling off, a bit of drama, whatever) and this is how you end up in a dysfunctional relationship. If you want women with boundaries, you should set yours. Yeah, I'm aware. But at that point it was more inconvenient to go home and have it all been for nothing than to meet her (and get the well deserved free drinks). She wasn't horrible but I already knew before I met her that I wouldn't be seeing her again. Very obvious red flag ahead of time, I knew it was a one-off with her.
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