I care so much about her that I can't deal with the way things went

[sahtram]

Hi (19 yrs old male here),

 

I don't know exactly why I'm writing this. Maybe it is out of frustration, maybe some confusion and not being able to understand the fact why things went that way...

 

So...

Yesterday my beautiful dream somehow ended.

In January I started dating my classmate which I have known for 2 years now, but I started getting interested in her in December last year - we were dancing partners in a school prom and something clicked.

After two dates - first completely casual, second more serious, with me as a chauffeur picking her up from her house etc. - I tried to make a move but it didn't go that well. She was a little bit confused because she had so many things on her mind back then.

Well, we carried on seeing each other and after some time (not long tho) this topic arose again. Then I found out from her that she has recently broken off contact with her ex who was a really toxic person and have hurt her few times. What's more - she had some quite big family problems and some kind of digestive disease which no doctor was able to diagnose.

I decided back then that things need much more time. I knew that she was really enjoying the time we spent together. And I decided that I'll be close to her so that she could know that she could always count on me. And she was aware of that. She told me that during our last conversation which I will get to later.

Time went by and I was doing everything as I decided to. I mean, I did EVERYTHING for her. One day, when she was extremely sad, I turned out with a rose and a big smile just to make her happy. And it went well, her face from a miserable one turned to a joyuous and full of laugh. I remembered all the things that she told me earlier that she likes or would like to go to, and I surprised her with them from time to time.

 

Once (I think it's one of the strongest memory, one of our biggest moments), when she was in the city alone, left by her friends (well, these were really douchebags-friends) she texted me and I showed up as fast as I could, comforted her, gave her my arm to hug etc. We were in a pub and there was this unknown song that she really liked (Well, I liked it too). Later after quite struggle I managed to know its title. It's quite important, I'll get back to it later.

 

Another time she texted me at 11 P.M. telling me that she had a BIG fight with her parents and that she is packing her things and leaving. I got no more messages from her and I'm quite a nervous person so I drove to her neighbourhood just to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. Well, I didn't find her, an hour later she just went back home and texted me back that she is sorry and that she shouldn't have texted me, that she doesn't really know why she did that.

Tho she doesn't know that I came up there that night.

 

And just to clarify things, she told me many times how much she appreciates everything I do for her. I was aware tho that I do more for her than she does for me. And she was aware too. She told me that she's feeling guilty because of that.

 

So after more time we had this whole-day trip. And after this trip I think that I couldn't wait any more, there were too many thoughts in my head, too much uncertainty. We had this serious conversation.

And then I heard that I'm the most incredible person she has ever met. That I'm so good for her that she can't even express her graditude. And that I'm so important for her, that she cares about me, she really does, but as much as she wants to, she can't get involved as much as I do. That she doesn't see it that way.

Well, I thought that I have nothing to lose so I told her everything I feel. Well, I told her that I loved her. And she was crying so hard. She told me that "sooner or later I would acknowledge that something is wrong with her so it'll be beter If I did it already".

Now, remember the song I mentioned earlier? I know it's silly etc. but she posted it to her snapchat's MyStory later that night. Nothing big, I know I know, I had just figured that she gives a damn about our whole relationship.

 

There have been moments of silence since then, when we have hardly talked.

During that time she did it again... One evening she was spending her time with a friend (a really good friend, a friend that I even met with to get some advice and insight when things were difficult. So yeah, this friend basically knew everything about the two of us). As far as I know, they spend this time with a bottle of wine, heh. And during that evening she posted that song again on her fb account - our freaking anthem... Just to delete it few minutes later.

Again, I know it's stupid and maybe somehow meaningless, but again... Why the heck would she do that if she didn't give a damn...

 

But I just noticed that my post changed to some song talking so let's get back to what's the most important.

 

So there were these moment of silence. Until yesterday, when we met up - to clarify all things and somehow decide what's gonna be of us in the future.

Before another big talk we went to grab some coffee and for a short walk.

Again, it was great, even considering the circumstances. It have been awesome every single time. I mean, on our first date (we didn't know much about each other even though we had been classmates) it clicked immediately and we couldn't stop talking, there were so many similarities and things to talk about. Every single time I felt so freaking happy with her. And yes, she really enjoyed our time spent together as well.

So yesterday we ended up in her place talking. We have been talking for about half an hour just about our feelings. I mean, WOW, it all felt so honest.

So about this "You'll figure that something is wrong with me" which she stated some day in the past... It meant that in her previous relationships guys changed their minds, their feelings and things were falling apart. She said that maybe something is wrong with her, maybe it's not for her, not in the nearest future at least.

I asked if it had any influence on her decision. She said that it certainly had some influence but the main reason was that she just doesn't feel this way about me. Maybe THIS is everything to know but. Why... why would she care so much, post this stupid song and look so freaking sad and dejected whenever things were falling apart between the two of us.

She told me that I'm very important to her, that she has been feeling remorse that she hasn't been giving as much from her to this relationship as I have. And she wants to change that. Just... not in THAT level.

When it comes to me... I just cannot end this relationship. I told her that I want to be for her no matter what and I want to help her go through any difficulties she is experiencing now - I mean, this sickness stuff etc.

You see, I just cannot end a relationship with a person that I care about more than I do about myself. You see, I still would do anything for her, I would move freaking mountains for her.

I still don't understand why it went that way. I mean, based on our meetings, on how awesome we are together... it still appears to me that we would make a perfect couple.

This is some kind of horror. The worst one.

 

I know I know what is the attitude of a "normal" person. "Move on, there are plenty more fish in the sea" etc. I know there are. I have experienced some situations in my life when I had to move on. And I did. Maybe I would do it right now. But this is different. Maybe because of all that problems that I helped her to cope with, all that problems that somehow became mine as well. And all these memories of the two of us - telling each other almost everything... (I mean, on our second date she told me about her sickness and family problems - and I was the first one (except her family) to know about this.) These memories just overwhelm me.

 

Yeah, so that's it. I don't really know what response I'm expecting to get from you.

 

And yeah, Happy Easter...

Edited April 16, 2017 by sahtram

[somanymistakes]

You were only dating for a few months. Your hormones and emotions are still in the wow crazy butterflies love rollercoaster - this is normal and understandable, but it means you can't look at the situation clearly.

 

You fell too hard too fast, and while she did like you, she didn't have the same level of feelings towards you. That kind of imbalance over time makes her feel more guilty AND makes her want to pull away from you, and the more you pledge your love to her, the more uncomfortable she feels.

 

You see, I just cannot end a relationship with a person that I care about more than I do about myself. You see, I still would do anything for her, I would move freaking mountains for her.

 

But what she wants you to do is to back off.

 

You're giving too much of yourself too quickly.

 

I don' tknow if she has any interest in seeing you in the future or not, but if so, you probably need to give her some space first and try not to devote EVERYTHING to taking care of her, because that is not setting up a healthy relationship dynamic.

[d0nnivain]

Oh the drama of being 19. I say that not to belittle what you are going through but to help you put some perspective around it.

 

 

This woman has a lot on her plate -- school, a physical illness, insecurity, questionable friends & a rocky relationship with her parents. She is also impulsive & immature. She packed her bags & tried to run away from home. Abandoned in the City, she didn't even try to fix her own problem; she called you.

 

 

As sweet as you were to her -- going to rescue her; listening to her problems; bringing her a rose -- she still sees you more as a friend then a BF. This is ending because on her side it's not as wonderful as it is on yours. She expressed gratitude, says she cares about you but tells you she doesn't feel the same way. She friendzoned you in a nice way but I'm sure that still hurts.

 

 

You have to find a way to let go. Throw yourself into studying for your exams. Summer's coming. Hopefully you will find lots of fun things to do without her.

[sahtram]

First of all, thanks for the response.

 

I don't know if she has any interest in seeing you in the future or not, but if so, you probably need to give her some space first and try not to devote EVERYTHING to taking care of her, because that is not setting up a healthy relationship dynamic.

Well, she has. When we finally started talking to each other again after that whole trip day during which everything had fallen apart, she told me that she was afraid I wouldn't talk to her any more...

 

[During my conversation with this friend of hers which I mentioned in the first post I found out that during this silence time she was "feeling guilty about how she treated me and still wondering if we would remain in touch" (Heh, this friend also told me that she cannot understand that girl. Said that if she would have such a guy around, she would never let him go)]

 

And well, she told me that she has no idea if it'll ever be so great between the two of us as it used to but she hopes we will still remain close to each other... Just, yeah, on the friends level.

 

 

I realise that I may have given too much of myself. I just have never thought that it could be a bad thing...

 

I think I know that it's time to back off a little bit and let her show that she cares about the two of us - no matter on what level.

It's just that... it is extremely hard to change the attitude

[lana-banana]

Oh, kiddo (I say that with affection). You are so young you don't even realize how young you are. Yes, you are overwhelmed with memories of the good times. But there is so much of your life ahead of you---so many years of amazing memories, bad memories, incredible memories, okay memories, all of which will change and shake and reverberate around your mind as you grow up. Life will do remarkable things to you. Don't be afraid.

 

I had the most excruciating heartbreaks of my life at age 26. I thought of the perfect good times and assumed I would never be happy again. I met my fiancé a few months later but it was almost a year before we realized we were in love.

 

No matter what you do, no matter how old you get, never give up on your faith in the universe to delight you. Never stop believing you can be surprised. The love of my life emerged when I least expected it, while I was still mourning a man who didn't care about me.

 

Love happens. Life happens. You'll be okay. Don't​ give up. Based on your post you seem smart and brave, just shocked that you feel so strongly. That's okay. You are at a time to experience some of the strongest emotions of your life. Close your eyes and ride the wave.

 

It'll be okay. Trust yourself. And happy Easter.