LoveSong Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Not sure where to post...second chances, LDR, breaking up, cheating?! I've got my second chance with him! In less than a month, my LDR man came back. He never went more than a few days without texting or calling, but he still wanted his break. Well, his break ended up being with someone else.( A one night stand he claims) He apologized, etc, and I hear the he "was scared of us, but it will never happen again" thing. Except for this incident, we never fight, and things just come easy and naturally with us. Now, one month later, he still wants to work things out with me(tells me he loves me), but besides calling me every day, I haven't seen much effort. (Even though calling me every day is a change on his part) I've been the one to go visit him, etc. I'm a little hurt this week because he is on vacation, and he hasn't made any effort to make plans with me. I guess I just don't know where this is going with him.....he says he wants to spend more time together, yet he doesn't make plans. I want to work things out with him. There is something about him that just feels right, but am I wasting my time?! (My friends tell me he's not the one for me, but it doesn't matter. gotta go with my heart) To add to my confusion, someone I was interested in before him is now "available" and wants to go out (and is calling me all the time), but I've shrugged it off trying to do what is right. (Even though I know he and I have more in common) Then I question, why am I pushing away someone who wants to be there for me for someone who says they want to be there, but overall isn't?!?! I've tried to talk to him about it, but he tells me I have to do what I want. He said he tried to let go of me, but couldn't, so he is not leaving me again. Any suggestions on how to handle this? or does it sound like I'm expecting too much?! I'm thinking of backing away (maybe date the other guy?) and see if he comes around, but I don't know how to handle this the right way.
JS17 Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 you're wasting your time. he wants his cake and to eat it too. drop the loser.
Marshbear Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 To add to my confusion, someone I was interested in before him is now "available" and wants to go out (and is calling me all the time), but I've shrugged it off trying to do what is right. (Even though I know he and I have more in common) Then I question, why am I pushing away someone who wants to be there for me for someone who says they want to be there, but overall isn't?!?! Because you are a typical human being and we always want the people who don't want us. I would hook up with the guy who wants to be with you...a no-brainer.
JS17 Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Because you are a typical human being and we always want the people who don't want us. I would hook up with the guy who wants to be with you...a no-brainer. what is it you keep telling me MB? actions speak louder than words....
Marshbear Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 what is it you keep telling me MB? actions speak louder than words.... It is soooo true. See what they do not what they say..... Their lies are in their words not in their actions.
J dub Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Their lies are in their words not in their actions. Ooo thats a good one I'm stealin it!! So true!
Author LoveSong Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 thanks...you are all right. I have to stop listening to what he wants me to believe and starting seeing what is really in front of me.
smile95 Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Ok long shot, but I am a little scared that your man sounds like mine!!!! lol What state does your man live in???It was not so weird until you said he was on vacation this week. Regardless, I am dealing with this too. Actions are so important. I fell for all words and I am left with nothing.
Author LoveSong Posted July 30, 2005 Author Posted July 30, 2005 Hi Beth, I've read some of your posts and thought on many occasions that your situation has sounded similar!! He is from NH, but I know his ex's are from out of state.... And the latest is..... Tonight he called and we chatted for a few min, but I wasn't in the greatest of moods & told him I would call back later. I tried, but no answer. Then he texted me about 30 min after I called back with "R U OK?" I replied "Yes, why? Miss U & I hate it".....and that was it. No call back or response. As much as I don't want to....I gotta move on. I keep thinking his calling/texting means something, but in the end, it only means I'm a sucker.
smile95 Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 ok we are safe. Mine does not live there! lol I put up with crumbs and text messages once every few days and I would say the nicest things back to him and no response? What? I think whenwe are sweet, they know they do not have to work on it, they have us. It got to the point(since we were LD) that I was so tired of getting excited to see him or talk to him and when I did it was nohting like I had thought it would be. Imade him up in my head. It sucks, but one day the guywe are with will LOVE totalk to us and text us and spend time with us....right now, I feel like such a chore!That is whyIa m doing NC to move on
Author LoveSong Posted July 31, 2005 Author Posted July 31, 2005 I think whenwe are sweet, they know they do not have to work on it, they have us. I think you have a good point there. It would explain why he hasn't had to put much effort into this relationship. I've done all the work for him! He did call me 3 or 4 times the next day and texted. All that managed to do was build up my hope again and think that maybe I'm overanalyzing this. Actions = he calls/texts Words = he says he loves me, misses me and wants an exclusive relationship Actions = when did he make time for me?! oh right! when I go up to visit him...... Is this the true make up of a LDR or just a bad catch?!
Author LoveSong Posted July 31, 2005 Author Posted July 31, 2005 LMAO!! That's a wake up call.....and here I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that his taking the time to make the call was an action!! But your right, it's really only words stringing me along.....UGH!!!
smile95 Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 I know it sucks...Ialways stuck up for mine and justified EVERYTHING. I was to the point where I was like..."well he did text him today, so that is enough". When I sit and think about it......nothing mine did showed me he loved me. oh that makes me so sad. What does LMAO mean?
Mary3 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 This one is so easy. His actions dont match his words. He promises alot and offers nothing. Don't kid yourself anymore. Go for the man who really wants you
JulianSC Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 it means: laugh my ass off drop him, thing about relationships. they should be mutual, give the other guy a chance, this one is bad meat
blue16 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 This one is so easy. His actions dont match his words. He promises alot and offers nothing. Don't kid yourself anymore. Go for the man who really wants you It's either that or chase this flake of an ex-bf in circles forever...
smile95 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 I know this thread was not started by me, but it has helped me alot since I am in the same place...lots of wors and no actions....I guess since it was 3 yrs together, I was hoping that in his own way he loved me. Isn't it possible they love us, they just have no IDEA how to be in a relationship(esp if they got married at 18 and never had anyone else all their life!) Although he did fine in the beginning....so I know it is in him! That is what kills me....he was great untl I made it known I was going no where!
Author LoveSong Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 I was hoping that in his own way he loved me. Isn't it possible they love us, they just have no IDEA how to be in a relationship(esp if they got married at 18 and never had anyone else all their life!) Wow Beth-very similar situation....my guy married his HS sweetheart, (they've been divorced a few years now.) I, too, try to convince myself that this is just how he is. Thanks all....you made me realize the tune he was playing and I decided that I didn't need this kind of treatment from him. No confrontation....I just started treating him like he was treating me.....and guess what?!?! He didn't like it. Now he is calling, texting, and trying to make plans with me for the next few weeks, but I'm not biting til I see the changes....not just hear them!
clandestinidad Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 I wanted to remind you that while on your break he slept with someone else. And youre considering NOT dating this other guy who's interested in you??? It simply does not make sense, ya know
nicki Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Good point. There's an action that tells you something. My ex-boyfriend only chased me when i was backed off from him. Finally, I asked myself why would i want to be in a relationship where i couldn't show a man i loved him? Why should i be with someone who can't receive intimacy in a consistent manner, and only give it to me when HE wanted to and didn't feel threatened? Relationships should be mutual. Two people should grow towards each other. You move towards him. He moves towards you, not away. He sounds sick, maybe a commitment phobe, like my ex. They are always wonderful in the beginning when they don't have you. Then, it's all downhill when they know you love them. I now have a new boyfriend. I'm amazed at the difference. He goes out of his way to spend time with me. When I respond to him, he moves closer to me. I can't believe I settled for so little with the other guy. Are you settling for less than what YOU deserve? Ask yourself in a quiet moment. I think you deserve the BEST, and that's not some loser who hold you at arm's length, sleeps with other women, and spoons out love instead of heaping it on you! Good luck whatever you do.
smile95 Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Finally, I asked myself why would i want to be in a relationship where i couldn't show a man i loved him? EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!!!!! Why in the world would I be with someone I have to stop loving to make him love me??? THis is what I am dealing with now, but it does not make me stop loving him.....
crazy_grl Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Ok long shot, but I am a little scared that your man sounds like mine!!!! lol No kidding. I didn't look closely, and I actually thought you started this thread, Beth. I thought you'd fallen back into his web and we'd all have to knock you over the head again to get you back out. I'm relieved to see that's not the case, and that you're still progressing. Good for you. LoveSong, go out with the other guy. Don't have too many expectations about it though. Your current guy has a past with you and he still has your heart. You can't expect to feel those things for the new guy right away. So don't run back to the old guy just because you have feelings for him and not the new (probably better) one. If you ditch the dead weight, you'll be able to form something a lot better with either this new guy or someone else.
cole Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 If frustration is love, then this is what we have been searching for our whole lives! All of your posts have really hit home with me! And they drive home the fact that the possibility of a happy resolution in situations like this is an illusion. Guys like the ones you all describe seem to stay just out of reach, but close enough that you think this time you might make contact, that this time is different then the other times when he pulled away. I've been playing this stupid game with my ex for almost 6 months! And you know what? His defenses aren't coming down, he's not loosening up, and he's not letting me in, no matter how close I seem to get. He says he loves me, but only after I get so frustrated that I want to rip my own hair out (but why not his? hmm.). I think they just get more adept at reading our signals and knowing when they can come a little closer before pulling away. It's control, it's insecurity, it's resentment, it's anger. Of course, I used to put a positive spin on it - It's feelings! It's emotions! If I just sit by and support him, he'll get it one day and we can really start communicating. I kept telling myself that there are so many emotions bombarding the situation that love must be there too. if the dust were to settle, I'd see the beating red beacon of love right on top, beckoning us both to bask in it's calming glow. But, you know what? He created the dust storm, so I'm going to let him go in and collect that beat-up heart and bring it to me on a silver platter before I go rushing in, like a fool, to save it AGAIN. And if he chooses to keep it obscured, well, then I'm going to go out there on my own and meet someone who keeps that heart shiny, protected, and out in the open, there for the both of us to share. Lovesong, you deserve to be treated in a way that makes you feel like the fantastic woman that you are! You should be wanted and loved. The other guy, the one who's doing all he can to get your attention, sounds like a great person, and open to putting himself out there, to take the risks for love. Isn't it your turn to relax, put your feet up, and have someone treat you like you're worth the effort? They say love can't happen if we don't love ourselves, and how can we love ourselves if our self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth have constantly been challenged?
seachange Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Wow, cole - that was beautifully said! I might have to save that manifesto.
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