He is upset that I lied

[starryeyed09]

My boyfriend was upset when he found out I lied about something that I don't feel is a big issue.

 

I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't tell my ex much about him. My ex and I were still friends at that time (but drifting apart and now we don't talk anymore). But on a phone call yesterday I admitted that I used to talk about him to my ex all the time because I was so happy about him all the time. By the way we have been dating for a year.

 

My boyfriend has now deactivated his Facebook (he does this when he's upset at me). I just don't feel he should be that upset? Shouldn't he be happy that I used to talk about him all the time and at least not disappear like he does but work it out like a mature adult? Shouldn't he not let that lie get in the way of all the good things we have?

 

Or is it bad that I had lied?

 

Thank you for any help

[goldway90]

My boyfriend has now deactivated his Facebook (he does this when he's upset at me)

 

Interesting! this very immature from him. Silent treatment is a red flag of emotionally abusive relationships, and what's written in bold in manipulative way to punish you and make you feel bad.

[basil67]

You say that he blocks you on FB when he's upset at you. As this seems to be a recurring theme, perhaps this relationship isn't as good as you'd like to believe it is.

 

Also, what were you thinking when you lied to him? And have you lied about anything else?

 

At any rate, by blocking you on FB, he's made it really simple for you to leave without having to go through the drama of having a discussion. Just block him on all platforms and move on.

[coolheadal]

My boyfriend was upset when he found out I lied about something that I don't feel is a big issue.

 

I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't tell my ex much about him. My ex and I were still friends at that time (but drifting apart and now we don't talk anymore). But on a phone call yesterday I admitted that I used to talk about him to my ex all the time because I was so happy about him all the time. By the way we have been dating for a year.

 

My boyfriend has now deactivated his Facebook (he does this when he's upset at me). I just don't feel he should be that upset? Shouldn't he be happy that I used to talk about him all the time and at least not disappear like he does but work it out like a mature adult? Shouldn't he not let that lie get in the way of all the good things we have?

 

Or is it bad that I had lied?

 

Thank you for any help

 

Are you really over the Ex? Sounds like Ex is still part of you. That's why your current BF is acting like that. Not that the fact you wasn't honest about Ex and you is that your talk to him still. Sure you know your Ex longer than you know your current BF. What do you want? Sounds like you want both. Ex as a Friend and BF too. This is where it gets really crazy. So the Ex you hand out with or just talk too. Then you have your BF. Lets put it this way say your BF was talking to his Ex GF and telling her about you and hanging out such how would it make you feel? I am sure you would like that. Can't have it both ways. Someone has go. Now your current BF is upset and he should be. I've been in a situation like this I had to convince the current GF at the time that she had to give up her male Ex friend because he wasn't trying to get back into her pants. Your Ex BF you don't know what his plans are for you. Guys can flip and flop on you like a two sided dime. You should do the right thing and apologize to current BF otherwise the trust is broken. Why drag in your past failed relationships into your newer relationships. Doesn't work out as you think. No need to block you off Facebook but I see his point.

[d0nnivain]

Lying is a big deal. Here, not only did you lie but think about what you lied about. You were still talking to an EX. You made your BF believe that your conversations with the EX were superficial. Yet, now he finds out that you & your EX were talking about him. He feels violated & betrayed. From his perspective your EX didn't need to know anything about him.

 

 

What I find odd is that your EX listened to you talk about another guy. Yuck. I also find that very insensitive on your part. You didn't need to rub the EXs nose in your new relationship.

 

 

I think both you & your BF, the FB deactivator, having some growing up to do. It starts with you delivering a heartfelt apology to your BF because you really screwed up. I don't know what the guy equivalent of getting flowers is but you should figure it out. Today is Easter here -- a day of rebirth & wiping away sins. Perhaps you can show up at his house with a basket of candy.

[BaileyB]

Two problems here that show both of your immaturity and make this relationship unhealthy...

 

You liked to him about talking to your ex. That is a pretty big deal.

 

He gives you the silent treatment and doesn't know how to communicate when he gets upset. Not a mature way to deal with conflict in a relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My boyfriend was upset when he found out I lied about something that I don't feel is a big issue.

 

I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't tell my ex much about him. My ex and I were still friends at that time (but drifting apart and now we don't talk anymore). But on a phone call yesterday I admitted that I used to talk about him to my ex all the time because I was so happy about him all the time. By the way we have been dating for a year.

 

My boyfriend has now deactivated his Facebook (he does this when he's upset at me). I just don't feel he should be that upset? Shouldn't he be happy that I used to talk about him all the time and at least not disappear like he does but work it out like a mature adult? Shouldn't he not let that lie get in the way of all the good things we have?

 

Or is it bad that I had lied?

 

Thank you for any help

 

Lying is a bad idea all together, especially when you are dating someone new. First of all, you admitted that you lied about your communication with your EX, so that is on his mind.

 

Secondly, he has no idea if you are telling the truth about the content of the communications. You say you were saying positive things about him, but in his mind, he may be wondering if that is true.

 

He may be wondering if you're telling the truth about being in communication with your ex now. You say you are not, but in his mind, he is not fully convinced. Also, was there ever any talk about you stopping communication with your ex? If so, you confirm that you couldn't keep boundaries.

[coolheadal]

Like I said you can't have both and except the current to accept it. You want it all but you hurt your current over the prior. Lying is not the right way to do it. I guess you have done this prior with someone else. If it happens to you how would you deal with it you should be asking yourself that question?

[OatsAndHall]

He's certainly childish with the way he is handling the situation; social media cold-shoulder is really kind of pathetic.

 

I would be upset if a woman lied to me, especially if it were about her ex. Staying in contact with exes isn't something to be taken lightly in a relationship. It's a deal breaker for me; I won't date a woman that has is still in contact with their ex(es). Relationships can be hard enough without an ex hanging around. They can tell me their over them as much as they want but I still know that it can cause rifts in relationships.

 

I almost left my ex-wife over it at one point. We had been bickering for weeks over the fact that her phone never left her hand. Then an ex of hers popped up on her Facebook page and I asked her if she had been chatting with him while we were fighting.. She said she had been, that he was "like a brother to her" and I got angry in a hurry. I'm trying to get her to actually spend time with me and the family and she's talking to an ex. Screw that.

[phineas]

Won't date women who still talk to ex's either.

I know too many who still talk to their ex's and have seen them hang out with those ex's when they were fighting or pissed at their current BF's.

 

all it takes is for those ex's to hit them up at the right time.

did they sleep with them?

don't know and don't care.

the fact they were with those guys is enough for me to know they are not relationship material.

 

also, when I block someone it's permanent.

not as punishment.

that doesn't solve anything.

 

if a woman continues to talk to an ex after make it clear i don't date women who talk to ex's then she has made her choice and i bail.

 

I don't give them the silent treatment.

[maxi105]

I guess it depends what you were lying about as to whether it matters or not (and we can't really say whether it truly matters or should matter to you without you telling us all that happened honestly.

 

only you all know all of the facts, but the point is whatever is right or wrong it is affecting different people including you at the moment.

 

you mentioned it obviously bothered your partner but not you; so again might there also be a difference in thinking and perception for the things that you both think matter in terms of each other's relationship dealings.

 

has what you have lied about hurt your ex in any way? and if so did you communicate that to him/her at the time, or did you just let things deliberately drift without offering a mature account of how you really felt about his/her involvement in your life and how things were changing between you. (its only fair and kind to tell people when you realise you don't want friendship/relationship with them and let them absorb things the best way they can, even if you have to say it a few times, would you like to be blanked by someone you thought was a friend or close to you once?

 

ex's, like the unrequited often have feelings that come back from time to time, so you have to be fair and kind). otherwise things like this happen!!!!!!!

 

it sounds like you could have avoided whatever lies were told by just being honest all round.

 

do you want to be friends with your ex, did you secretly want friendship but your partner didn't want you to be friends anymore so you went behind his back to still keep friendship with someone you actually got on with and the guilt has been on your mind who to be loyal too? because if you did or still haven't explained to your ex then maybe you still need to been honest with them to spell out your involvement with them as a friend? even in a past tense, why leave things in a not talking state, (unless there are more lies, hidden emotions and deceit that we don't know of) that doesn't sound too mature not to be talking now either, regardless of who's at fault.

 

did you drift from your friend for the sake of your jealous partner's wishes because he couldn't handle you being friends, which might explain why you let a good friendship die and maybe you were maybe forced to confess all?

 

there does sound an overall immaturity in places to this thread as others have said, and maybe if you had spoken to all concerned and explained things fully you wouldn't be in the doghouse over something you don't feel is such a big deal now.

 

why did you drift from your ex I wonder? is your partner not able or mature enough to accept you have a past, not all people feel a need to dramatically cut exes out of their lives forever, some have great friends in their exe's and in time if they see them now and again they can all get along in some cases where people can handle the truth and really love their partners and trust them;, but again it all boils down to how mature and threatened people get.

 

jealousy is never attractive for anyone!

 

surely if you are in a secure and mature relationship the ex would not be such a threat. it sounds a s though the threat in parts has come from you not communicating in a way that the ex or your boyfriend really understood in where they stand, and as a result you have been caught by your own lies (however mild or not they were intended to be or are still).

 

maybe you need to question if you are happy with your current relationship: the not talking and the silliness that results from your partners ongoing insecurity; and as another poster mentions; think honestly yourself if you and your ex are really at a place where you have resolved everything between you!

 

there is still more talking to do and it sounds as though you have both let stubborn pride or wounded feelings get in the way of proper closure for you both (you and the ex that is), maybe you would be better to talk to your ex and your partner separately but more than just surface explanations, and make it clear to both of them what you feel and why you felt the need to behave the way you did.

 

was your ex happy that you drifted? did you ever still wish you were with them at times and is that why you might have not told them much about your partner?

 

were you secretly holding your options open just in case the ex might better your new relationship? you have to try not to fall into the same traps again, as it all sounds rather tiresome for everyone concerned.

 

take time out and think about your actions. it might help you in treating others with more respect in future.(even if it has left you feeling it's a big deal about nothing, the truth is people have been upset by this).

 

part of me wonders whether you did think it actually might be a bigger deal than you are willing to admit and that why you didn't say too much to your ex about your then new relationship; but yet you spoke all the time of your ex to your partner, your true feelings came up to the surface and you had to hide them quickly without being made a fool of or looking like you care about someone else in front of your boyfriend or friends!

 

maybe you were flattered that 2 people wanted your attention, one wanted to please and charm you, and one knows the things that will make you smile and appeal to your ego but maybe still has a soft spot for you.

 

just remember that where other people's emotions are concerned we can all think what we like, but unless we ( and in this case you) talk openly and honestly with them then you don't know for sure whether what you say and do is going to hurt them, leave them feeling used, make them want you when you are not interested anymore etc etc; so you have to explain things and make it clearer to avoid these little dramas.

 

it sounds a bit like your own selective communications style and personal self-centred wants (at the time, having 2 people interested or close to you ) have clouded what could have and should have been avoided a long time ago simply by talking to both people and letting them know how they fit or don't fit into your life now.

 

but it's not the end of the world and I'm sure you'll come to the right conclusion and bounce back. just be more honest in your relationships with the people involved and you will avoid all of this unnecessary complications and upset!

 

I also wonder whether you may also have (knowingly or otherwise) have a bit of habit of upsetting people with your selective or deliberately limited communications style as much as your partner does in blocking you off a computerized webpage, rather than actually talking things out face and discussing things in an adult way before they build up.

 

maybe you should take a break for a while to escape from this and go and have some fun or time spent away from your other half to give each other space to think about the way you behave towards things that happen.

 

if it were me and I still felt I was in the right and just tired of my partners childishness I would seriously have a big think about whether connecting with someone who is more emotionally of my communication equal and on my maturity wavelength if not just to risk repeating the same types of things over and over again the next time you upset your partner.i wouldn't and couldn't be bothered with being with someone like that who kept dragging things up and behaving like a spoilt child who is so reliant on the relationship that it can't breathe. I would be questioning what if I have is enough for me anymore.

 

my final question is that if you had so many good things (and you say you still do with your partner), why talk about someone else all the time? again, I feel you need to think about if you have been really honest with your feelings in all of this.

 

and the other way round, why even talk about your partner to your ex, that might hurt them to know you need someone the way you once needed them. it all sounds a bit uncaring I'm afraid, unthinking is probably the more accurate thing, you didn't think that your happiness would hurt others so you rambled on and on not noticing the effects you were having.

 

either way it is the relationships you have had and have not been able to express or have been able to grow with that have got you to the place of confusion and muddle that you are in today.

 

be the bigger person and apologise to both people, whether you want to get /stay with them now or not be friends, its sounds like you need to explain things and be a bit more fair; not just be thinking about what you want in all of this. life doesn't always give us what we want! so acknowledge those who didn't get what they want or lost to another and start a clean sheet with honesty and openness.

 

it is time for a fresh start as another poster mentions? only you know in your heart who it is to be with. have you outgrown your partner, have you outgrown your ex? only you know that, so good luck.

[kendahke]

My boyfriend was upset when he found out I lied about something that I don't feel is a big issue.

 

I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I didn't tell my ex much about him. My ex and I were still friends at that time (but drifting apart and now we don't talk anymore). But on a phone call yesterday I admitted that I used to talk about him to my ex all the time because I was so happy about him all the time. By the way we have been dating for a year.

 

My boyfriend has now deactivated his Facebook (he does this when he's upset at me). I just don't feel he should be that upset? Shouldn't he be happy that I used to talk about him all the time and at least not disappear like he does but work it out like a mature adult? Shouldn't he not let that lie get in the way of all the good things we have?

 

Or is it bad that I had lied?

 

Thank you for any help

 

You bringing up how he chooses to react on FB is deflection and really has nothing to do with this discussion.

 

It's bad you lied, especially about discussing him with someone you shouldn't be discussing him with. Your ex doesn't need to know his good qualities. But I'm curious: why do you feel he needed to know this? Were you trying to make him jealous? To see if he still cared about you enough to make a play to get you back? I'm really seeing no good reason for your current boyfriend to even come up in discussion with an ex.

 

Also, it's not up to you to decide for your boyfriend what is or isn't a big deal when it comes to you lying.

 

He now knows that he can't trust anything that comes out of your mouth--and this is pretty much the beginning of the end of your relationship. A totally avoidable unearned error had you just stood in the middle of your truth and spoke it.

 

People lie to manipulate the person they're lying to. Discounting your lie doesn't change the fact that you lied.

 

You don't have any more good things... you can't have good things with a liar.

Edited April 16, 2017 by kendahke

[mikeylo]

Shouldn't he be happy that I used to talk about him all the time

 

It depends who were you taking to about him. Your ex ? Of all the people in the world ! Duh

[act00]

You lied about your relationship with your ex. Maintaining a relationship with the ex is a pretty big deal, and not many people will be pleased with this maintained closeness, and not only were you maintaining a closeness with your ex, but you were talking about your boyfriend to him. Why? I can understand him feeling betrayed, and what is your motivation? Make the ex jealous so he comes back to you? Keep the ex in contact so you can get back together? What is the ex's motivation in maintaining contact with you? Hope to get you back?

 

I think you can see how all of this looks on the surface.

 

If you and this ex are just friends, and you want to maintain this friendship, the right thing to do would be to let your current boyfriend know about it. Even spend time together as friends. Let your current boyfriend know the deal and decide for himself if he wants to maintain a relationship with you or not. You may not have an easy time finding that perfect guy who is okay with it, but the big thing is to be open and honest about it, so he isn't blindsided later, and has confidence in knowing you and the ex are no longer interested in a romantic relationship.

 

Your boyfriend is very immature in how he's handling everything, and this is a pattern. He just blocks and ignores whenever he's upset with you. Not cool. If he wants to maintain a relationship, he needs to learn to communicate, and so do you. Nothing gets resolved if someone just bottles it up and ignores.