A lot of hot and cold what do I do?

[andrewimecs]

Okay, to start this off so we can get a little bit of some background information on this story. I met this girl at a bar and we ended up going on a date 3 days later. She initiated the conversation and I asked her out on the date 3 days after the bar meet up. We went out on Tuesday and I asked her out Monday.

 

The date could not have gone any better. So much flirting and a ton of excellent interaction. I eventually walked her home and we both looked at each other and kissed. She told me to keep next Monday open and pencil it in on your calendar so basically the second date.It was beautiful and I felt amazing. I messaged her that night saying thank you for the good time.

 

She messaged the next day, so Wednesday and called me the most genuine person she has ever met. The conversation was light and friendly all day on Wednesday. Then Thursday came along and the conversation was light but she stopped texting me after 1 p.m. Thursday. I messaged her again at around 7 ish checking if she was okay and stuff. She still did not respond so I waited 24 hours and messaged her giving her a light cheesy line basically showing that I was not mad.

 

Here is what I sent "Hey there! Haven't heard from you in a while, get kidnapped by E.T. and his pals or something? =)". She then responded an hour later saying " Hey! Sorry, no not kidnapped by E.T., To be honest, all the texting is a little much for me. It's all kind of too much too early if you know what I mean". At this point, I was like **** everyone warned me to take it easy with texting but at least she responded.

 

I responded saying basically no worries and I am glad she let me know have an excellent weekend. What do I do from here? We agreed on that second date after the first one and I just want to make sure it is still on and keep her attraction with me. How should I bring up the second date which will be in two days from now? Need some serious help on when and how to text her and what to say thank you!!!!!!

Edited April 15, 2017 by andrewimecs

[todreaminblue]

confirm the date the day before.....its better that she was open with you about communication, be more worried if she isnt open, by letting you know she is seeing the relationship as having a future....let her determine the pace of the communication.....best wishes.....deb

[Gemma1]

Call her the day before and ask her if you are still on. If she doesn't answer, leave a VM.

 

We could probably give you some tips if you give more details about what your text conversation was really like on Wednesday and Thursday. You might think it was fine and "at least she was responding" but a stranger looking at it might be able to tell you it seemed clingy/needy. Sometimes the line is fine.

[smackie9]

Listen and watch.....she didn't respond because she didn't want too (watch). She told you it's waaaaaay too soon to be texting so much (listen). She's not hot/cold, she's being normal....people need their space for a few days. You are being too clingy, so back off.

[andrewimecs]

Thank you I appreciate that!

[andrewimecs]

Call her the day before and ask her if you are still on. If she doesn't answer, leave a VM.

 

We could probably give you some tips if you give more details about what your text conversation was really like on Wednesday and Thursday. You might think it was fine and "at least she was responding" but a stranger looking at it might be able to tell you it seemed clingy/needy. Sometimes the line is fine.

 

The conversation was mostly talking about how each others day went and just mentioning things in between like future plans and stuff. Responses were fairly distributed between the two of us, as well like 30 mins apart between texts.

[andrewimecs]

confirm the date the day before.....its better that she was open with you about communication, be more worried if she isnt open, by letting you know she is seeing the relationship as having a future....let her determine the pace of the communication.....best wishes.....deb

 

Thank you for your response! Should I call her or text her and what should I say so I do not come off as disturbing or clingy. Any ideas on how I should bring it up and if I should continue a conversation after I get a response for a second date?

[Imajerk17]

Listen and watch.....she didn't respond because she didn't want too (watch). She told you it's waaaaaay too soon to be texting so much (listen). She's not hot/cold, she's being normal....people need their space for a few days. You are being too clingy, so back off.

 

I sort of agree with this. Sort of. In addition though, we do need to keep in mind that in the first few paragraphs, SHE was the one pushing the pace, actually taking the lead in setting the second date, giving an over-the-top compliment ("Most genuine person I ever met" is a bit much after meeting once and then the date). I'm surprised no one else picked this up so far, frankly.

 

What was REALLY happening here is that she came on really strong early on and now is backing off. That is on her too, and it typically not a good sign, but you never know. She WAS upfront w OP so (some) points there.

 

My advice to OP: Text her tomorrow evening (Sunday evening, the eve before your date) saying that you hope she is having a good weekend and that you are looking forward to seeing her "tomorrow at x time" (tomorrow being Monday, which is tomorrow from when you are texting her which is Sunday evening). If she doesn't respond you can leave her a vm Monday morning. If she vanishes no answer that would be rude as hell of her but then at least you have your answer (and that she is inconsiderate so you'd be better off without her)

Edited April 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Ami1uwant]

I dont know what your texting patterns were before this.

 

The sudden stop in texting was a sign of what she said.

 

The strange thing is if you dont respond then she is worried, you respond too much then she looses interest---the trick is find out what is the magic number....

 

Maybe she has different personalities at work vs at home thus if she is interested in you she doesnt want that distraction.

[smackie9]

To be desirable is to be less available......be kool and aloof, giving attention, then pul back. push, pull.

[Gr8fuln2020]

To be desirable is to be less available......be kool and aloof, giving attention, then pul back. push, pull.

 

Some of you ladies sound like men.

 

I have date quite a lot and have never, but ONLY once, have I been told to diminish contact. This hot/cold stuff is a turn off for me as a male. I will let you know what my communication style is and if you start playing this hot/cold thing, I will cold-fish you. If the ebb and flow is NATURAL, fine, if it is part of a game, no thanks.

 

It sounds like, in this case, that the lady was direct about a few things. OP, if you don't want to guarantee losing her, listen. But respond when a response is desired and you have the time to do so. You don't have to respond the very moment you get the text, but don't play games.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for your response! Should I call her or text her and what should I say so I do not come off as disturbing or clingy. Any ideas on how I should bring it up and if I should continue a conversation after I get a response for a second date?

 

 

I think with confirmation it really should on etiquette alone be a phone call...no ambiguous replies..... no wait..no unanswered texts or lat etexts.......a quick short phone call save conversation for the date.....just time place transport and the day confirmed say you are looking forward to it say your goodbyes........thats not clingy thats efficiency and determination gumption..... wait till the second date to continue any conversation and brush up on new topics of common interest or interesting topics that are current...before.....bit of forethought never goes astray leads to tangents from topics.... leads to interesting dates.....deb

[todreaminblue]

Some of you ladies sound like men.

 

I have date quite a lot and have never, but ONLY once, have I been told to diminish contact. This hot/cold stuff is a turn off for me as a male. I will let you know what my communication style is and if you start playing this hot/cold thing, I will cold-fish you. If the ebb and flow is NATURAL, fine, if it is part of a game, no thanks.

 

It sounds like, in this case, that the lady was direct about a few things. OP, if you don't want to guarantee losing her, listen. But respond when a response is desired and you have the time to do so. You don't have to respond the very moment you get the text, but don't play games.

 

 

not all of us agree with this push pull thing..i prefer honesty....deb

[basil67]

.... the conversation was light but she stopped texting me after 1 p.m. Thursday. I messaged her again at around 7 ish checking if she was okay and stuff. She still did not respond so I waited 24 hours and messaged her giving her a light cheesy line basically showing that I was not mad.

 

Here is what I sent "Hey there! Haven't heard from you in a while, get kidnapped by E.T. and his pals or something? =)". She then responded an hour later saying " Hey! Sorry, no not kidnapped by E.T., To be honest, all the texting is a little much for me. It's all kind of too much too early if you know what I mean". At this point, I was like **** everyone warned me to take it easy with texting but at least she responded.

 

As soon as you wrote that you checked in making sure she was OK, I thought "this isn't going to end well". I mean did you really think that she would not be OK? Then you did the "jokey" bit about being kidnapped and I thought "you've just made a bad situation worse". She would have seen you as being very needy.

 

If there's a chance of recovery you need to start by backing right off. Give it a couple of days then call her to make a date. Then keep your texting down to essential stuff only between making the date and having the date. And don't relax and go back to texting her all the time.

 

Do not apologise or explain. Simply change your way.

 

And she's not running hot and cold. She's just trying to manage you being too demanding.

[Versacehottie]

As soon as you wrote that you checked in making sure she was OK, I thought "this isn't going to end well". I mean did you really think that she would not be OK? Then you did the "jokey" bit about being kidnapped and I thought "you've just made a bad situation worse". She would have seen you as being very needy.

 

If there's a chance of recovery you need to start by backing right off. Give it a couple of days then call her to make a date. Then keep your texting down to essential stuff only between making the date and having the date. And don't relax and go back to texting her all the time.

 

Do not apologise or explain. Simply change your way.

 

And she's not running hot and cold. She's just trying to manage you being too demanding.

 

Agreed. And OP the best strategy to "get what you want", i.e. another date with her/continued opportunity to date her, is to assume that she meant exactly as she said and it was just too much texting. Back off with the texting and proceed with confidently moving forward on the dates. That is really the "only" way to get what you want in this situation.

 

Unless your texting her has some purpose that is essential to your needs being in dating relationship. Does it? I'm guessing it doesn't have any real need for you at this point--and that it basically was transparent to her that it was a bit of neediness which is causing her to back off or protect the relationship potential by telling you she's not into that much texting right now. It may be too late--cause sometimes a person's perception becomes kinda fixed and they don't have interest anymore. Not totally your fault--you may have innocently gotten caught up in responding and now she is over the rush of those initial texts.

 

In my experience, guys that try to get to know me or know facts or history about me via texting come off as boring. If there is playful, real time little comments mixed in with some statements that kinda give you insight into who a person is and vice versa, it can be cool. It kind of takes the momentum out of the excitement about a person to just say so much over text when there is usually going to be more excitement in person. Also to rely too much on texting can come off as too beta (sorry) and needy so definitely not the best move for a guy at the very beginning. It feels like the guy is in need of reassurance & has not much else going on. At first the attention is flattering but then you just start to wonder: is he lame? So in the future it might be better to err on the safe side and text just a little bit and mostly to make/confirm plans, etc. Little funny comments show that you are thinking about the girl but have things in perspective & that you get more interested because of the banter and what each person contributes rather than being "right there" and desperate for a gf (not that you are but that's how it can be seen). Anyway, that's my perspective.

 

All hope is not lost but your BEST move at this point is to take what she said at face value and move confidently forward--like good thing i don't have to keep up with all day texting marathons and/or oops I got caught up that one day but no biggie, I'd rather get to know her in person. Make it win-win. Good luck

[Mkn1010]

SimpleNFit, go you for pointing that out! Games are not a start to anything genuine! People in this board talk a lot of smack about how to play it to be more attractive! It's a bunch of crap!

 

If contacting someone too much makes them feel overwhelmed, it is because your communication style are incompatible. I also think she may have got a little freaked out and she may just not be emotionally at the same place you are to be in it to win it with you!

 

Just wait it out, be yourself, but also see if YOU'RE okay with her communication towards you, if it's enough for you!

 

Cos yeah, doing the push/pull that some have advocated for is only used by people who don't think they're good enough for their true personalities to speak for themselves! They use tactics for attraction because they're severely insecure!!

[GemmaUK]

I don't think she has been hot and cold.

She expressed interest and you have/had a date lined up so all was good.

 

Texting every 30 mins or an hour - I'd likely do the same as she did. Start out by pretty much trying to keep it up but knowing I just couldn't and actually wouldn't want to continue that level of communication for any long period of time.

I'm not a text chatter either so I would likely have dropped off the conversation to see what happened.

Texts every 30 mins to an hour isn't something I have time to keep up with al through my day. I'd be curious too as to why/how a guy has the time to keep that level of texting up. If he is employed it would indicate he perhaps doesn't take his job too seriously (and that has been the case - confirmed by the guy to me when this kind of thing has happened to me)

 

You then would have (to me anyway) come over as insecure asking if I had been kidnapped - that would put me off.

Much as you said it jokingly - you were pretty much seeming to guilt her into replying to you.

 

Wait until the day before you next date and call her - check to see if the date is still on - if it is firm up the plans on that call.

You might find though that she has lost interest - if she has then take it with grace and move on.

[Versacehottie]

SimpleNFit, go you for pointing that out! Games are not a start to anything genuine! People in this board talk a lot of smack about how to play it to be more attractive! It's a bunch of crap!

 

If contacting someone too much makes them feel overwhelmed, it is because your communication style are incompatible. I also think she may have got a little freaked out and she may just not be emotionally at the same place you are to be in it to win it with you!

 

Just wait it out, be yourself, but also see if YOU'RE okay with her communication towards you, if it's enough for you!

 

Cos yeah, doing the push/pull that some have advocated for is only used by people who don't think they're good enough for their true personalities to speak for themselves! They use tactics for attraction because they're severely insecure!!

 

ok i'll bite. I think a lot of my responses might be seen as game playing by some & maybe that's what you are referring to. What i notice on this board is that most people are are from one of two camps: some believe that you should be able to lay it all on the line and be completely transparent and open from the get-go and those of us who don't see that as realistic or think relationships might be more layered and complicated than just that.

 

Regarding this OP, I don't see it as game playing on the part of his girl at all. She couldn't have been more direct in stating her wishes/needs when she decided it was too much for her. What I would advise in this & almost any situation is to match the other person's level of interest and investment---if it doesn't suit you then move on. I think the girl in this scenario is being reasonable at this point. It doesn't necessarily mean she is insecure & if the OP pulls back in response to her statement that doesn't necessarily mean he is insecure or inauthentic either. It just can mean that some people are not turned on by what they perceive as neediness or feeling smothered and maybe you don't need to reveal yourself or jump all in in one fell swoop.

 

I agree with the bolded. And going back to the two camps of people on this board, maybe there is an element of people that would see holding back a bit as a bad thing as the kind that jump in fully and expect the girl/guy to do the same, i.e. an expression of a communication style that you understand and appreciate whereas reveal yourself a bit slower/more with some time is the kind of communication style someone like me appreciates. I would guess that things probably lie on a continuum so that no one style is "right" or wrong--you just got to match up with a person who feels similarly (which is what I believe you were saying in part). Everyone could use a bit of flexibility so as not to miss out on a good person though. Can't tell if this girl is good for OP or not by the information here or probably that even he knows thus far--that's why it makes sense to hang in there a bit to see what she is about. he can walk away at any time if he finds that she is flaky or uninterested.

[Mkn1010]

I wasn't referring to you at all Versace, but thank you for you post, I agree about the two camps here. I also was not suggesting the girl in the OP's post was playing games but that the OP should not resort to game playing (that was suggested to him to employ) in order to make himself more 'desirable' to her considering her feedback.

[OatsAndHall]

I don't think she's been hot or cold. She explained to you that she felt you were being pushy so just back off, learn from it and go on the date.

 

And, as far as the push-pull debate goes, I won't play that game anymore. I shoot a text, if they respond, then they respond. If they don't, then they don't. It's a turn-off for me when a woman doesn't return a text within a couple of days as it's convenient for them to do so. I don't expect to have a full conversation with them as people are busy but it's a simple matter of courtesy. So, they're either not that interested in me or they're testing me in some way. It's not going to pan out well, one way or another.

[andrewimecs]

Agreed. And OP the best strategy to "get what you want", i.e. another date with her/continued opportunity to date her, is to assume that she meant exactly as she said and it was just too much texting. Back off with the texting and proceed with confidently moving forward on the dates. That is really the "only" way to get what you want in this situation.

 

Unless your texting her has some purpose that is essential to your needs being in dating relationship. Does it? I'm guessing it doesn't have any real need for you at this point--and that it basically was transparent to her that it was a bit of neediness which is causing her to back off or protect the relationship potential by telling you she's not into that much texting right now. It may be too late--cause sometimes a person's perception becomes kinda fixed and they don't have interest anymore. Not totally your fault--you may have innocently gotten caught up in responding and now she is over the rush of those initial texts.

 

In my experience, guys that try to get to know me or know facts or history about me via texting come off as boring. If there is playful, real time little comments mixed in with some statements that kinda give you insight into who a person is and vice versa, it can be cool. It kind of takes the momentum out of the excitement about a person to just say so much over text when there is usually going to be more excitement in person. Also to rely too much on texting can come off as too beta (sorry) and needy so definitely not the best move for a guy at the very beginning. It feels like the guy is in need of reassurance & has not much else going on. At first the attention is flattering but then you just start to wonder: is he lame? So in the future it might be better to err on the safe side and text just a little bit and mostly to make/confirm plans, etc. Little funny comments show that you are thinking about the girl but have things in perspective & that you get more interested because of the banter and what each person contributes rather than being "right there" and desperate for a gf (not that you are but that's how it can be seen). Anyway, that's my perspective.

 

All hope is not lost but your BEST move at this point is to take what she said at face value and move confidently forward--like good thing i don't have to keep up with all day texting marathons and/or oops I got caught up that one day but no biggie, I'd rather get to know her in person. Make it win-win. Good luck

 

Totally understandable and I believe she still has interest in me because she check all my social media snapchat stories. What would be a good time to call her today? I know shebisnatvher cottage and will be back tonight because she has work tomorrow. When should I call her and should I warn her? Also if she does or does not pick up how long should the conversation be and what should I talk about or say?

[andrewimecs]

Totally understandable and I believe she still has interest in me because she check all my social media snapchat stories. What would be a good time to call her today? I know she is at her cottage and will be back tonight because she has work tomorrow. When should I call her and should I warn her? Also if she does or does not pick up how long should the conversation be and what should I talk about or say?

[andrewimecs]

I think with confirmation it really should on etiquette alone be a phone call...no ambiguous replies..... no wait..no unanswered texts or lat etexts.......a quick short phone call save conversation for the date.....just time place transport and the day confirmed say you are looking forward to it say your goodbyes........thats not clingy thats efficiency and determination gumption..... wait till the second date to continue any conversation and brush up on new topics of common interest or interesting topics that are current...before.....bit of forethought never goes astray leads to tangents from topics.... leads to interesting dates.....deb

 

Totally understandable and I believe she still has interest in me because she check all my social media snapchat stories. What would be a good time to call her today? I know she is at her cottage and will be back tonight because she has work tomorrow. When should I call her and should I warn her? Also if she does or does not pick up how long should the conversation be and what should I talk about or say?

[Versacehottie]

Totally understandable and I believe she still has interest in me because she check all my social media snapchat stories. What would be a good time to call her today? I know shebisnatvher cottage and will be back tonight because she has work tomorrow. When should I call her and should I warn her? Also if she does or does not pick up how long should the conversation be and what should I talk about or say?

 

Hmmm, I would leave it until tomorrow, midday. Good that she is still checking your social media. I hope she sees that you are living your life or that there is not much to see, which will leave her wondering, not from a "boring" POV but more so a guy who doesn't get so caught up in social media. When you do call or text, just PRESUME you are going by suggesting a thing or two to do do and get her feedback about which sounds more fun to her. Don't be timid and ask if you are still on. Let her finish her weekend and leave her wondering a bit (now I am saying some game playing sh*t, haha but it could also be perceived as giving her the space she asked for). I don't think it matters too much if you call or text. Call might be better so she can hear your intonation and you can flirt a little but just with the tone of your voice. Either way, keep it short, mainly about the plans. & wrap it up just by telling her you are looking forward to seeing her or doing something with her. If she makes a flakey excuse or tries to postpone, don't act emotional with her or with yourself like it's the end of the world. Just say something like "ok next time around then or some other time then" or something like that. AND then let her make the next move.

 

good luck

[andrewimecs]

Hmmm, I would leave it until tomorrow, midday. Good that she is still checking your social media. I hope she sees that you are living your life or that there is not much to see, which will leave her wondering, not from a "boring" POV but more so a guy who doesn't get so caught up in social media. When you do call or text, just PRESUME you are going by suggesting a thing or two to do do and get her feedback about which sounds more fun to her. Don't be timid and ask if you are still on. Let her finish her weekend and leave her wondering a bit (now I am saying some game playing sh*t, haha but it could also be perceived as giving her the space she asked for). I don't think it matters too much if you call or text. Call might be better so she can hear your intonation and you can flirt a little but just with the tone of your voice. Either way, keep it short, mainly about the plans. & wrap it up just by telling her you are looking forward to seeing her or doing something with her. If she makes a flakey excuse or tries to postpone, don't act emotional with her or with yourself like it's the end of the world. Just say something like "ok next time around then or some other time then" or something like that. AND then let her make the next move.

 

good luck

 

See i have not messaged her since friday and we scheduled the second date for monday after the first date. Would it not be better to call her this evening considering we agreed on Monday?