Qwwq Wq Posted April 15, 2017 Posted April 15, 2017 I met her 3 years ago. We have been friends together continously for 2 years in a cross border long distance relationship (or rather friendship). Last year I decided to tell her that I loved her and I wanted to marry her. She was a muslim and I told her that I would even convert for her. That day she told me told to 'look elsewhere' and 'seek somebody else'. Now this is coming from a woman, who has a history of saying things in twisted form (and not straight forward). She also had a troubled past with somebody else whom she married when she was young but got ditched because of some reasons which I never got to know because she never told me. She is a divorcee. She is also not very educated. She is 23 and she dropped out of high school and spends most of her time watching movies, texting to people I don't know how many, (she never tells me that, but I caught her once or twice, from which she got away by making some random excuses), tweeting, spending most of her time on facebook, in shopping malls and what not. She told me (this part I know is true) that she underwent an eye surgery a couple of years back and she can't read for long duration anymore (this part I am skeptical, as she can read small text of her facebook messages on her phones fine). Fast forward, after I told her that I loved her and she rejected me (kinda), she started calling me up bunch of times a day, asking me to do stuffs for her, telling me that she can't get sleep at night (I don't know whether that's because of me or not), blah, blah, blah, as if she loved me and she did not mean all the things she days a couple of days back, and all of this she was doing when I was trying to recover from her literal rejection (this was not my first time and so I was a little stable this time), but I was not very comfortable her speaking to me even after she ditched me. It felt like I was being used like a puppet. I decided to tell her that we have to quit talking but I also wanted her to know how ridiculously mentally sick person she was. I was very harsh at my choice of words. I told her that she wasn't educated enough for me and I can get women who were earning some money (like me, as I just got a job offering me a lumpsum amount of money). I even went to the point of telling her that she couldn't possibly offer me anything more than sex (shamefully it was the truth too). Don't get me wrong. I want to love her. But she breaks my mind and plays with my emotions so much, that it's very difficult to love such a person. I go round and round in my thoughts whether to go for her or not. However, that was the last day I spoke with her, until things started going south in my job life and I got way too much frustrated than I ever had. I quit my job. I went back to academia for PhD and decided that I needed to get her back in my life (maybe that was the wrong decision, maybe I should've dated someone else). But I developed way too big of a hole in my heart and I know I was being an idiot but I wanted her to fill it up. During all of this time, she also started showing off her frustration on facebook by writing please-come-back posts indirectly hinting everthing at me. I called her up one day. We spoke quite good and did not have a bad conversation. I thought things were back to normal. But then she started again. The next day she told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I kept telling her that I loved her and this time I won't go away. But she went on to block me from facebook, and not pick up my calls (again, as you will see later that she does not always mean the things she is doing and she is never straight forward). After that one day I decided I would quit again (with the weak promise to myself that I will never go back this time). I stopped calling her, sending her texts and blocked her from facebook. And just as when I was settling down in my mind with the mindset that I would erase her from my life once n' for all, she called me. I rejected her calls and texted her back telling her (a lot less harsher this time), that I am sick and tired of her mind games and that I don't want to talk to her in any way. That's it. She stopped calling me back. And she started pulling her last-resort card, posting messages on facebook about how lonely she was, love quotes and what not. I am so confused what to do. I know everybody wants to tell me to move away and explore other nicer people. But somehow I know that if ever I were to spend my entire life with her like the first two years of our friendship, I couldn't be any happier. About the sex part, yes I find her extremely attractive and I know this is playing a huge role in diverting my mind towards her. But is that bad? There are couples who are tied together because of the sex they enjoy together and I also know couples who lead miserable (can't cheat/can't have sex) lives with their partners, until they decide to eventually part ways. About another thing which influenced me to stay away from her is, her religion. I know it's inapropriate to generalize but it's a fact that large number of muslims hold beliefs that non-believers should be killed. This was one of the reasons why I told her I would convert if she were to marry me. But in my mind, I would never accept theocracy, especially when I started my life as born free (I started as a hindu, but it is equivalent to being free). And then I have read up stories how Muslim teenagers and young boys who are in their 30s go online, get touched by the ISIS black magic and decide to join them. And if their parents try to stop them, they even kill their parents and family (who were muslim to begin with), all in the name of religion. And this Muslim girl, has two brothers, and a long queue of boyfriends and cousins who want to marry her. I can never tell if I would be killed for marry her. That's also one of the reasons why I want to get away from her at lightspeed. But ... you know ... when I have gone far far away from her, my idiotic heart speaks up. What should I do? Currently, we are not speaking to each other. She told me she wants to come to where I live and meet me. But she also tells me she doesn't want any relationship with me. In response I forbade her to call me anymore. And now she is cooking up drammatic posts on facebook, (which I happen to not stop myself from reading). What according to you is the way forward? I am all ears.
MsJayne Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 I would say no. Don't call. Ever. Reading your post it sounds like you know she's really bad for you, (or for anyone else!). Social media addict, heavily religious, thinks it's OK to use you. Find someone who will enhance your life, this girl won't enhance anyone's life. Good luck.
EmilyJane Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Run. I have no idea what you found in common to become "friends". She's got absolutely nothing to offer you except as you have said for yourself, her vagina. My guess is this is a very traditional society and she's using social media to fill the vacuum in her life where most of us have jobs and university and responsibilities. I do think she's also using it try to snare a husband from a higher socio-economic background. This is probably all that is expected from her in her family and means she can maintain her lifestyle without having to do anything except work on her appearance. Trust me on this, you are not her only "friend". But you have never been one of the ones she's seriously cultivating, you are one of her adoring lap dogs. Steadfast and reliable but not to be taken seriously. I would be very interested in how money and gifts figured into your relationship to date. In my experience of women like this they are extremely mercenary and see sex and relationships like transactions. From the clues you leave I'm assuming you are in neighbouring south East Asian Indian subcontinent countries? My advice is to meet someone through your PhD who can share your intellectual interests. There's plenty of conferences and working abroad opportunities too. 1
Author Qwwq Wq Posted April 19, 2017 Author Posted April 19, 2017 Thanks EmilyJane for your detailed response. I would be very interested in how money and gifts figured into your relationship to date. I do know that she is a very very spendthrift woman. But she never asked me to get anything. She is always in love with iPhones and jewelry. But I never bought her anything. From the clues you leave I'm assuming you are in neighbouring south East Asian Indian subcontinent countries? Ya. I am from India and she lives across the border, Bangladesh. My advice is to meet someone through your PhD who can share your intellectual interests. I would definitely love to meet such a woman. I think I need to cultivate my social skills. I am very inept at that, and an introvert. Definitely have to work on that. A lot. Thanks for your responses. 1
EmilyJane Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Thanks EmilyJane for your detailed response. I do know that she is a very very spendthrift woman. But she never asked me to get anything. She is always in love with iPhones and jewelry. But I never bought her anything. Ya. I am from India and she lives across the border, Bangladesh. I would definitely love to meet such a woman. I think I need to cultivate my social skills. I am very inept at that, and an introvert. Definitely have to work on that. A lot. Thanks for your responses. Well the good thing about academia from your perspective is that most of the women there will be introverts too. Yup. Cultivate your social circles. Focus on ones at the uni too, there's got to be plenty of social clubs and dinners and guest evening special speakers etc. and it's less weird to go to those sorts of things on your own if you have to to begin with. 1
Maldives Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Run. I have no idea what you found in common to become "friends". She's got absolutely nothing to offer you except as you have said for yourself, her vagina. My guess is this is a very traditional society and she's using social media to fill the vacuum in her life where most of us have jobs and university and responsibilities. I do think she's also using it try to snare a husband from a higher socio-economic background. This is probably all that is expected from her in her family and means she can maintain her lifestyle without having to do anything except work on her appearance. Trust me on this, you are not her only "friend". But you have never been one of the ones she's seriously cultivating, you are one of her adoring lap dogs. Steadfast and reliable but not to be taken seriously. I would be very interested in how money and gifts figured into your relationship to date. In my experience of women like this they are extremely mercenary and see sex and relationships like transactions. From the clues you leave I'm assuming you are in neighbouring south East Asian Indian subcontinent countries? My advice is to meet someone through your PhD who can share your intellectual interests. There's plenty of conferences and working abroad opportunities too. Wow Emily Jane, You have better relationship advice than any self help book I've ever read. Some really unique accurate sound observations. 1
EmilyJane Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 Wow Emily Jane, You have better relationship advice than any self help book I've ever read. Some really unique accurate sound observations. Well im grateful for the compliment but like look at the mess of my life and relationship, I clearly can't apply this good advice stuff to my own situation. And honestly my friend, you really need to care most about what you think, not other people. Like your instinct are actually very sound you just don't seem to listen to them
mrs rubble Posted April 19, 2017 Posted April 19, 2017 2 things stood out to me in your story: 1: You say that you've blocked each other on facebook, but you are still viewing her posts. It's time to really block her, if you had you wouldn't be seeing the rubbish she writes (because she has nothing better to do)...you need to make sure you do actually block her so you can move on and forget her. 2:She told you she wanted to come to your country to meet you, you haven't even met her in real life, all you know of her is her online persona, and it very easy to come across as a wonderful person online when in reality she might be a complete idiot or a scammer. In your case she's been dramatic and flacky over the internet, I can't imagine her being any better in real life, in fact she's most likely probably even more crazy in person. Hold onto these thoughts as you move on. Best wishes.
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