Is NC Truly Best?

[coledvids]

Feeling really numb these past couple of days, like just don't want to be around anyone or do anything. I saw a friend and I just couldn't wait to leave. Then I thought I'd try and see my aunt but again, I just wanted to go home and be on my own.

 

I'm also struggling a bit.. it sounds a bit stupid but my ex would give me advice, pep talks, supports etc when I was feeling a bit lost. I don't know how to do that myself. I'm so lost.

[jamili]

 

If you are in contact again in the future I've found a good boundary is saying you dont want contact unless it's to discuss reconciliation. Means less head games and nips the we can be friends stuff in the bud.

 

I did this very thing with my ex after many months of breadcrumbs. Seemed to have worked - only got one other breadcrumb since. I still think total NC is better though if you can handle it.

 

OP the numb feeling, the feeling sick when you are with other people, the feelings of emptiness like you are walking around with a massive chunk missing from your soul and your very essence.... that's normal. And it sucks. And it doesnt go away in days, or weeks, or sometimes even months. I'm at 6 months myself and those feelings are still very strong and they torture me daily. The breadcrumbs only made it worse (although the intital freakout when i first put a stop to the breadcrumbs and realized i might never hear fromher again for the rest of my life sent me back to day 1 of pain for a bit...).

 

There is no timeframe on the numbness and the pain. Some take years. All you can do is stay NC and endure it -i whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

 

I get what you mean about your ex being there for you ib times like these... and now the one person you need is gone... ive been there too. Trick is to start relying on yourself to get yourself through things, insteadof other people. You are lost, but you gotta find your way on your own. Its sad, and painful, but it WILL make your stronger.

[BG1]

Coledvids, I've been where you are at it literally sucks but it's a necessary journey. I took the opportunity to make that change to look inwards and see what I could learn from the experience and my part in the relationship, but also and most importantly how I want to relate with my relationships in the future.

I can tell you what helped me going thru the first few weeks. I have been NC for 36 days, and still hard, but before that the first weeks.

 

Introducing some new changes in your life will help you coping in a better way. I recommend you to do things that make you feel good, exercising, eating that Chinese takeaway when you feel like, watching all the films you couldn't see (or your ex didn't want to see with you), do new playlist of music or listen to music you use to hear, think about new hobbies, focus on small achievements, think about setting stronger boundaries.

 

There are a few things that its good to keep reminding ourselves and it's that, we deserve to be with someone who loves us and treat us with respect in a mature way. I mean we tend to idealise partners, but with a little bit of time, I encourage you to write the things you didn't like about her and situations that made you unhappy or mad about the relationship. Once you get a bit of perspective you will realise that she wasn't that amazing. It's tough but coming to the realisation that we were wrong about our decision of been with this person is a milestone in order to start moving on.

 

You can't control her or her actions but you can control how that affects you.

Water makes eggs hard and potatoes soft, it's up to you how you deal with this, and it takes time and a lot of hard work, but think that once you look back in a year time you can be proud of yourself and think that you didn't deserve this treatment.

Don't worry about age too, the important thing is to be happy within yourself and then good things will come or you will find them in that mental space.

 

(PS Journaling, it really helps, whatever comes to mind or writing how you feel that day)

Edited April 21, 2017 by BG1

[fromheart]

 

I'm also struggling a bit.. it sounds a bit stupid but my ex would give me advice, pep talks, supports etc when I was feeling a bit lost. I don't know how to do that myself. I'm so lost.

 

This is the ideal time to learn to be your own supporter. Its not the best idea to have a woman giving this sort of support, as it puts her in her masculine. Always best to let that advice come from you, and now is a really good time for that.

 

You can certainly talk to male friends and family members, but with time you'll find yourself referring to yourself more and more.

 

 

 

Don't give in and let her into your life as some sort of friend. That might ease some short term pain but very quickly she will get angry again. Stick to the NC and keep letting her go.

Edited April 22, 2017 by fromheart

[EmilyJane]

This is the ideal time to learn to be your own supporter. Its not the best idea to have a woman giving this sort of support, as it puts her in her masculine. Always best to let that advice come from you, and now is a really good time for that.

 

You can certainly talk to male friends and family members, but with time you'll find yourself referring to yourself more and more.

 

 

 

Don't give in and let her into your life as some sort of friend. That might ease some short term pain but very quickly she will get angry again. Stick to the NC and keep letting her go.

 

Umm what? Giving advice and being supportive is masculine? Even if it's supporting your partner? And men should only talk to other men.

 

Well blow me down.

 

It's a wonder they even let women on an advice site like this isn't it?

I mean being so biologically unqualified to be nurturing like that and all.

 

Oh wait, hang on....

 

This is the sort of garbled gendered nonsense people get from over applying and misinterpreting popular self help books from the seventies about tendencies of genders in relationships as they were typically then.

 

And it's dangerous, to suggest to someone suffering depression they should only talk to males but ultimately should be relying on solely on themselves.

 

Ignore him Op. Lean on any friends you like. Lean on all of them and judge their worth in how supportive they are of you not on what's between their legs. Use every resource you can to help get you through this time.

[fromheart]

Emily, I don't have pointless arguments in life and online, as you can't communicate in an adult like manner I will be ignoring you.

Edited May 6, 2017 by fromheart

[Marc878]

There's a simple solution here. Block her.

 

You're only future is breadcrumbs until she even stops that.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[penelopeanne]

I am chiming in, and my situation is a bit different as my ex has pretty much fallen off the face of my world since the break up (via email, 2 years together) and we haven't seen eachother (once in passing) and never got an actual conversation. all so painful and bizarre but the no contact is what must be done.

but because of social media, there has been some forms of contact that I am now trying to rid myself of.

He has continued to like photos of mine on instagram and each time i would feel a pang inside. it got to the point where i couldnt deal with that, and couldnt deal with me obsessively looking at his pages and postings.

I have decided this is the last bit of contact I have had and need to make a cleaner break.

we also still share our netflix/hulu accounts and i have to figure out a way to detach from those. but even this sort of hanging on through the bizarro land of social media has prolonged my suffering for sure.

I am detoxing off it and figure not filling my head with all this nonsense will be good for me.

focus on healthy things that make me feel good.

this is a must.

and there is no possibility of a friendship for you right now, and I hope you are getting through this okay.

[coledvids]

Thanks for all the replies while I've been away, guys.

 

It's been quite a painful road and I've been NC for some time now. I'm struggling today as I realised she'll probably never contact me again. I compiled a list of things she did/ways she used to act to try and put me off missing her, and I do my best to read it when the feelings creep in.

 

It's quite upsetting to know that someone you love/loved doesn't really miss you enough to even contact you - we're always talking about breadcrumbs, but I haven't even had those. Is it bad that I kind of wish I got breadcrumbs at least from her?

[coledvids]

I'm sure no-one will read this, but I'm putting this here so I can look at it (and hopefully someone can tell me what they make of this behaviour)

 

- When she expressed that she didn’t want me going to any types of Pride, as she disagreed with it.

 

- Blocking me as a punishment on the same day I attended Pride, because I spent the day out and didn’t reply when she wanted me to so reduced me to having to email her.

 

- “No partner of mine is having those interests” - a direct quote after Pride.

 

- When she said “if you get another tattoo, I’ll break up with you” - (manipulation/control/not allowing hobbies?)

 

- Stomping around, slamming doors, face set angrily and acting intimidating in her house, causing me to hide in the bathroom because I felt so unsettled by the way she was acting.

 

- Blocking me repeatedly and blaming me for her doing it.

 

- Refusing to offer empathy, often telling me to “go and sit in a coffee shop” instead.

 

- Making it very difficult for me to study when I needed to by causing conflict, despite encouraging me to enrol on the course.

 

- Demanding that all my free time was spent with her and arguing with me if I spent time with others, causing me to lie about the amount of free time I had.

 

- Repeatedly breaking up with me and getting back with me when it suited her.

 

- Turning up at my house unannounced when I had changed my number after telling me to leave her alone - refusing to let me move on when I wanted to.

 

- Going through my phone using my own thumb to break the password while I was asleep.

 

- Lying about me talking in my sleep (I never talk in my sleep) when in actual fact it was that she had gone through my phone and wanted a reason to be upset (obviously did not want to disclose that she had done that).

 

- Trying to log into my Gmail and denying it, despite the fact that no one else would do that.

 

- Logging into my Facebook account and going through private conversations.

 

- Withdrawing all forms of affection as a punishment when she felt I'd done something wrong. Would often continue for days.

 

- Silent treatment as a punishment

 

- Double standards with exes - had topless photos of her ex on her phone and even an album dedicated to him. Didn't seem to think it was wrong.

 

- Not involving me with her life

 

- Complaining about spending money on me despite the fact that I didn’t ask her to, often bringing it up during arguments.

 

- Not respecting my fitness goals and complaining that I didn’t prioritise her if I wanted to work out at a certain time - would sulk and say I didn't care about her.

 

- Being incredibly difficult to please

 

- Having to block certain friends when she came over so as not to upset her/to avoid questioning.

 

- Restricting my phone usage to nothing when she was here so as not to upset her/get into an argument.

 

- Having to repeatedly delete my twitter/make it private as I felt spied on.

 

- Insisting that I make my Facebook page public so that she could keep an eye on it, even though no one does that for safety reasons.

 

 

- Telling me that my friend is ‘ugly’

 

- Causing me to suffer numerous anxiety attacks to the point of calling ambulances/crisis teams

 

- Causing my depression to return tenfold

 

- Causing me to miss a lot of university - sleeping patterns ruined as a result of anxiety caused by her blocking/breaking up with me/threatening abandonment.

 

- Causing me to put on weight as a result of extreme comfort eating, again due to depression caused by relationship.

 

- Causing my self-esteem to drop to an unrecognisable point.

 

- Gaslighting.

 

- Using my weaknesses against me - knowing about my abandonment issues stemming from loss of parent and threatening me with it often.

 

- Not letting me meet her friends and family, keeping me separate from her ‘main’ life despite knowing how much that meant to me.

 

- Trying to control my social circle, feeding me negative information about my friends so I go off them.

 

- Interrogation of phone calls, including wrong numbers or accidental phone calls, and all other forms of communication

 

- Always asking where I am, where I’ve been, wanting me to call her as soon as I step out of a building/appointment

 

- Calling to demand that I account for my time to the last hour/minute

 

- Telling me that if we moved in together we would NOT be getting a dog, despite this being one of my passions. Not allowing compromise or discussion

 

- Talking down to me - telling me off as if I am a child with the intent to get me to modify my behaviour and using any forms of punishment to manipulate my behaviour

[coledvids]

I am chiming in, and my situation is a bit different as my ex has pretty much fallen off the face of my world since the break up (via email, 2 years together) and we haven't seen eachother (once in passing) and never got an actual conversation. all so painful and bizarre but the no contact is what must be done.

but because of social media, there has been some forms of contact that I am now trying to rid myself of.

He has continued to like photos of mine on instagram and each time i would feel a pang inside. it got to the point where i couldnt deal with that, and couldnt deal with me obsessively looking at his pages and postings.

I have decided this is the last bit of contact I have had and need to make a cleaner break.

we also still share our netflix/hulu accounts and i have to figure out a way to detach from those. but even this sort of hanging on through the bizarro land of social media has prolonged my suffering for sure.

I am detoxing off it and figure not filling my head with all this nonsense will be good for me.

focus on healthy things that make me feel good.

this is a must.

and there is no possibility of a friendship for you right now, and I hope you are getting through this okay.

 

Hi.

 

I can totally empathise with the social media thing, it is so easy to access that it is difficult to stop. I can't tell you not to do it or to stop, that will come in time. Perhaps it's a good idea if you just block him, or open another account that he doesn't know of - it's unfair of him to like your photos. It's true, focus on healthy things. I don't know if you're into poetry at all, but I recently came across a book - 'Born to Love, Cursed to Feel' - it's quite therapeutic to read.

 

I hope your day is going ok and thank you for the well wishes x

[coledvids]

I'm feeling really lost and have been crying a lot. It sounds pathetic, but I'm even more hurt that she hasn't even given me breadcrumbs.

[penelopeanne]

Hi.

 

I can totally empathise with the social media thing, it is so easy to access that it is difficult to stop. I can't tell you not to do it or to stop, that will come in time. Perhaps it's a good idea if you just block him, or open another account that he doesn't know of - it's unfair of him to like your photos. It's true, focus on healthy things. I don't know if you're into poetry at all, but I recently came across a book - 'Born to Love, Cursed to Feel' - it's quite therapeutic to read.

 

I hope your day is going ok and thank you for the well wishes x

 

well he really kicked it up a notch this weekend by liking a few old photos of us on my fb page, i mean WTF is that?

i actually broke no contact and wrote him privately about it (it's in my thread)

and no, i havent blocked him yet, in fact i was sick in bed all day and did some creeping around. it really doesn't help.

anyways, yes, i do love poetry and will check that out, thank you!

[olivetree]

Hi Cole,

 

I really feel for you.

I'm currently going through a break up with my greatest love so far.

I am in my early thirties as well and am looking for that special person (thought I'd found it), and every breakup now just feels like I'm further away from what I want, so I totally get it.

 

When it hurts, please read the list that you wrote in #60.

 

She was awful to you.

It was emotional abuse.

You don't deserve that.

I know it doesn't make sense that she treated you so badly and now she discarded you!

But she won't be happy with anyone because she is very messed up.

 

As for you, take everything one day at a time, heck, one moment at a time.

Breathe.

Meditate.

Learn to be on your own again and you will be okay.

Keep posting, we will support you.

[coledvids]

Hi Cole,

 

 

 

She was awful to you.

It was emotional abuse.

You don't deserve that.

I know it doesn't make sense that she treated you so badly and now she discarded you!

But she won't be happy with anyone because she is very messed up.

 

 

 

Hi, thank you for your reply. I'm really sorry to hear that you too have lost someone you really loved. It's scary, as you start reaching a certain age and realise that what you truly desire seems to be moving further away. It's terrifying.

 

I have unfortunately recently realised that she was psychologically and emotionally abusive. She was never truly happy with me - didn't trust me (with no reason for not doing so) and would always assume the worst of me, which was very draining. I genuinely want to move on, but I am still struggling with everything that comes with a break up. Thank you for your kind words, it's really comforting to know that I'm not on my own in this.

[olivetree]

Hi, thank you for your reply. I'm really sorry to hear that you too have lost someone you really loved. It's scary, as you start reaching a certain age and realise that what you truly desire seems to be moving further away. It's terrifying.

 

I have unfortunately recently realised that she was psychologically and emotionally abusive. She was never truly happy with me - didn't trust me (with no reason for not doing so) and would always assume the worst of me, which was very draining. I genuinely want to move on, but I am still struggling with everything that comes with a break up. Thank you for your kind words, it's really comforting to know that I'm not on my own in this.

 

I'm glad you've come to that realization and the rose-coloured glasses have come off.

That is the first/one of the first steps to recovery.

Seeing the relationship for what it really was.

 

And while I do believe in rekindling if both people are willing to make changes, I think in your case this is not someone that should ever be given another chance.

And it seems like you realize that too now - that even if she wanted you back, you won't go there.

 

When you get to 50 posts, PM me if like.

Maybe we can help each other out.

[coledvids]

I'm glad you've come to that realization and the rose-coloured glasses have come off.

That is the first/one of the first steps to recovery.

Seeing the relationship for what it really was.

 

And while I do believe in rekindling if both people are willing to make changes, I think in your case this is not someone that should ever be given another chance.

And it seems like you realize that too now - that even if she wanted you back, you won't go there.

 

When you get to 50 posts, PM me if like.

Maybe we can help each other out.

 

No, she doesn't get a second chance from me. Even though this is quite difficult, I definitely don't want to be with her. I'm just going through the motions in terms of emotions/withdrawal, etc.

 

I definitely will PM you - I think it may be beneficial in both cases

[coledvids]

I'm confused... I've been NC for a good amount of time, perhaps 1-2 weeks? But I feel worse. The more time that passes, the worse it feels. The more time that passes, the more I think that she's met someone else and it's just worse. She hasn't reached out to me either, and that hurts, too.

 

I've started counselling but only had one session so that's not really doing anything. I think I've slipped into a bit of depression as I sleep all day/all night (I slept from 15:00 to 9:00 the next morning, once). I don't really clean up. Don't really eat. I'm finding everything a struggle. I don't really want to socialise right now, and anyway I don't have any friends so that's not an option.

 

I feel like everything's fallen apart, and I have no idea how to put it back together.

[BG1]

I'm confused... I've been NC for a good amount of time, perhaps 1-2 weeks? But I feel worse. The more time that passes, the worse it feels. The more time that passes, the more I think that she's met someone else and it's just worse. She hasn't reached out to me either, and that hurts, too.

 

I've started counselling but only had one session so that's not really doing anything. I think I've slipped into a bit of depression as I sleep all day/all night (I slept from 15:00 to 9:00 the next morning, once). I don't really clean up. Don't really eat. I'm finding everything a struggle. I don't really want to socialise right now, and anyway I don't have any friends so that's not an option.

 

I feel like everything's fallen apart, and I have no idea how to put it back together.

 

You are not alone. I'm going to give you some advice and take it with a pinch of salt.

 

If thinking of moving on doesn't help you, actually make you feel worse. Think that if your ex wanted one day to get back with you, she would like someone that cares about his well beeing and is going forward.

 

By this, I mean that if it helps you to think that by doing better than when you were together you may have a chance of getting together, take that. And then it may happen that when you are in a better place with yourself you realise you dont want her anymore. (all this while keeping the NC).

 

Hope it helps, cheer up! There is only the way up, that's what I thought after my break up. It's been 3 months and I'm fit, with new hobbies and I still miss her, but I know that I need to become the best possible version of myself with the need of no one but myself. After all, we (ourselves) are our biggest friend and enemy.

[RustCohle]

Yes NC is the best solution. Actually moving on is even better. What you are doing right now is damaging yourself even if you don't realize it. There is no return, vanish and go find a new woman.

[coledvids]

Yes NC is the best solution. Actually moving on is even better. What you are doing right now is damaging yourself even if you don't realize it. There is no return, vanish and go find a new woman.

 

I really like this advice, and you're right. I am damaging myself. BUT... I have no intentions of dating. This is my 'me' time.

[coledvids]

You are not alone. I'm going to give you some advice and take it with a pinch of salt.

 

If thinking of moving on doesn't help you, actually make you feel worse. Think that if your ex wanted one day to get back with you, she would like someone that cares about his well beeing and is going forward.

 

By this, I mean that if it helps you to think that by doing better than when you were together you may have a chance of getting together, take that. And then it may happen that when you are in a better place with yourself you realise you dont want her anymore. (all this while keeping the NC).

 

Hope it helps, cheer up! There is only the way up, that's what I thought after my break up. It's been 3 months and I'm fit, with new hobbies and I still miss her, but I know that I need to become the best possible version of myself with the need of no one but myself. After all, we (ourselves) are our biggest friend and enemy.

 

What great advice; I think it's always important to become a person who doesn't need others to feel satisfied. Thank you so much. This has really helped me feel a bit more positive, today.

[RustCohle]

You are right to an extent. You are a man and as a man you need female energy around you(sex). If you go monk mode(i.e alone time or I don't need women) don't do it for an extented period. You need to go out there ASAP.

 

If you are the guy in the picture, you don't need much time going to the gym, you obviously take care of yourself. You only need to get confidence. You get confidence by putting the numbers with girls and go out on dates.

 

Take a fighting class (MMA, boxing, kickboxing etc.) and quit the mr. nice guy attitude. Women crave bad boys but they usually marry the puppies.

[jessiesgurl]

Haven't read all the replies but personally I have actually gotten OVER two men by breaking no contact.

 

Breaking no contact can be very healing. It was for me.

[coledvids]

Haven't read all the replies but personally I have actually gotten OVER two men by breaking no contact.

 

Breaking no contact can be very healing. It was for me.

 

I can understand this. Sometimes, breaking NC reminds you who they are, and reminds you that you don't like them as much as your brain is trying to tell you.