Is NC Truly Best?

April 14, 2017

Hi,

I'm currently in a situation where my girlfriend of two years has broken up with me, but we are still in daily contact - I often receive 'good morning' and 'good night' messages. While of course this is easing the blow of the break up, I am beginning to wonder if this is helpful, in terms of moving on.

We have been together for two years. We had a lot of ups and downs, regular break ups, that sort of thing. Not a very healthy relationship. The problem I am having is that I am 33, and worried about my future in terms of relationships.

I have also suffered a lot of rejection - being with her for two years and subsequently being dumped is having a profound effect on my mood and making me very depressed.

She has told me that she is willing to be friends, and, as I've said, messages me every day. We were supposed to meet yesterday but both agreed on not doing so as when we have done that in the past we end up sleeping together.

Of course I know all about NC as a moving on tool - another issue is that at this point in my life I am extremely lonely and if her and I don't talk, I won't really have anyone else. What I'm worried about is her moving on while we're still talking, being 'friends', etc. I'm struggling to let go, basically.

I don't really know what to do for the best, and what would help me move on the fastest. Is NC truly the best option? Does it always make a mess of things if you don't go NC?

I'm not going to lie, I have a problem with asking her repeatedly to try again. In the past this has worked and she's got back with me (of course, we only go on to break up again) - so in my mind this approach will work again. I think I am addicted to this relationship/person, despite it not being very good.

I was wondering if anyone had any practical tips to help me out of this situation, as I am feeling a bit stuck/lost.

April 14, 2017

I'm really very tempted just to reply "yes" and nothing else but I can tell you're really suffering.

Ok, so there's a couple of things.

One. If she wanted to reconcile she would not be offering friendship.

Two. If you want to reconcile it's not going to happen while you're hanging about giving her access to you like it's totally ok to dump you and then use you as an emotional security blanket.

Three. I really with my whole heart get the fear of loneliness and the awareness of how isolated you are. As you are suffering depression I suggest making sure you see your therapist regularly or getting one if you don't have one and over the next two weeks committing to sone sort of regular social activity with old friends or an activity that brings you into structured social contact with new people.

You do need to go NC. But I can hear that you're worried about how this will make feeling depressed and lonely unbearable.

It is going to hurt like hell because by her being around you've half convinced yourself that the rejection wasn't real. So I'm suggesting that you don't go NC yet but get your ass in gear marshalling your support network. Ask for support. Ask friends out for coffee, explain you're going through a break up and need to get out of your own head.

Then pull the trigger on this friendship junk after she's ripped your heart out.

You have friends. She isn't one. She is your ex.

And know that you are going to be fine. The grieving and intensity of the loss will not last forever especially if you're not being tortured by her being right there but badically rejecting you and what you want from her by not being with you.

April 14, 2017

Hi Emily

Thank you so much for replying to my post and for typing out such a long reply.

I am really suffering, yes. This has unfortunately come at a time in my life when I’ve lost a couple of friends and am feeling particularly low - experiencing a hell of a lot of loss at the moment and its been truly painful.

‘Emotional security blanket’ - Yes. The daily messaging from her side (“Good morning, I hope you slept well”) - I can’t lie, I like it but it’s not helpful, really.

I’ve only really got one friend who I can talk to about everything. She works quite a lot but does listen to me vent on the phone, which is really helpful and therapeutic.

I don’t know why dumpers always do this - offer and expect platonic relationships straight away. It’s really selfish

April 15, 2017

It is.

Its not actually just dumpers who do it. My ex is doing it. I left him in the end.

He doesn't want to be with me but boy does he want to be friends with me so I'll hang about making him feel better. So not gonna happen.

I am extremely isolated. I've fought back tooth and nail from an injury that means I can't return to my old career. I have to start again from the bottom in chronic pain only able to work part time. I have gained weight from the bloody injury and then going through Ivf so we could definitely have kids later when I could physically handle it. I lost an awful lot of friends and now the traumatic features and stress of the relationship and break up is definitely triggering depression.

I've got nothing. No money, no job, no children, no partner and a very realistic view of my current likelihood of attracting a stable loving attractive man.

Almost.

Because I've got me and I'm a damned good person to have screaming in your corner.

Just as you have you.

Get in your own corner and get things in place for when the no contact post break up what ifs and what have I dones' and if only they would just love me and they are the only person I wants set in.

And when you've got stuff in place, tell her to not contact you again by any means unless it is to make amends and reconcile. Then block her on social media, write her phone number somewhere in a safe place and delete every means to contact her impulsively off your phone.

And tell yourself you can message her in six months if you really want.

Two to three weeks after self imposed NC is the worst. That's where it gets so bad you actually start doing pretty much every healthy thing you can think of so that you can avoid feeling that bad all the time.

April 15, 2017

I think self-imposed NC is difficult for many reasons, one of which is the fact it’s self-imposed. Often the thoughts of “I’ll just speak to them today, and start again tomorrow” set in. If it was a case of someone cutting you off - hurtful though it may be, it might be easier. It’s not helpful when they’re being nice.

I’m sorry to hear about your current situation although I can hear a lot of strength coming from you and that can only be a positive. How did you lose your friends? And how did you navigate through the feelings that comes with?

I lost a very good ‘friend’ this year - I would talk to her day and night but things went sour; it sucks that she isn’t around.

You’re right. Get in your own corner. That is powerful, a powerful phrase.

April 15, 2017

I think self-imposed NC is difficult for many reasons, one of which is the fact it’s self-imposed. Often the thoughts of “I’ll just speak to them today, and start again tomorrow” set in. If it was a case of someone cutting you off - hurtful though it may be, it might be easier. It’s not helpful when they’re being nice.

I’m sorry to hear about your current situation although I can hear a lot of strength coming from you and that can only be a positive. How did you lose your friends? And how did you navigate through the feelings that comes with?

I lost a very good ‘friend’ this year - I would talk to her day and night but things went sour; it sucks that she isn’t around.

You’re right. Get in your own corner. That is powerful, a powerful phrase.

Good friends don't go sour. They want to make with you and both of you go to effort to mend the fence.

I lost friends because I wasn't the same bubbly fun try anything go out dancing on Friday person. I was one day paralysed and screaming.

That is a really quick way to reveal who really cares about you and who doesn't.

Then for a long time it was just really hard for me to get anywhere but I just went on meetup and joined groups and begged for lifts to fun things.

Then I met my ex who was horribly socially anxious. That isolated me a bit more again.

Now I'm doing it to myself a bit because I feel pretty crappy about myself and I'm weird and very vulnerable right now. But I'm still making myself try. In safe measured ways.

Plus I just plain think it's good for me to relearn to be alone right now

April 15, 2017

Good friends don’t go sour, no. That’s how I found out she wasn’t a good friend. I reached out to her several times and she rejected each attempt. So I changed my number and left it. If only I could find the strength to do the same with this woman!

It’s important to learn to be alone for a bit so that when things like this happen, it’s not such a shock to the system, and it’s less scary.

I feel the same. I feel very weird and unlikeable - I’m sure I’m not, but rejection coupled with isolation and depression can make you believe it.

April 15, 2017

Good friends don’t go sour, no. That’s how I found out she wasn’t a good friend. I reached out to her several times and she rejected each attempt. So I changed my number and left it. If only I could find the strength to do the same with this woman!

It’s important to learn to be alone for a bit so that when things like this happen, it’s not such a shock to the system, and it’s less scary.

I feel the same. I feel very weird and unlikeable - I’m sure I’m not, but rejection coupled with isolation and depression can make you believe it.

Yes. It's totally the illness

And you're going to have to drag yourself through the motions of things that will result in positive things and getting over depression.

Online helps a lot for me. I can rant my every intense emotion at strangers and feel less alone and learn and heal quicker.

I'm not telling you to go NC right now because I can pick up on your doubts that it will be to distabilising for your illness and that you are afraid of the pain and that you won't be able to maintain it.

I'm telling you to start doing proactive things to rebuild your daily life without her and to start reconnecting with others. Go for walks, get a dog, join an adult clsss in something you've always wanted to do, if you haven't got anyone to do things with yet then do things that you enjoy thst are good for you.

Start life properly without her.

You will get to a point where cutting contact with her is something you want and you know is right for you

Edited April 15, 2017 by EmilyJane

April 15, 2017

Good friends don't go sour. They want to make with you and both of you go to effort to mend the fence.

I lost friends because I wasn't the same bubbly fun try anything go out dancing on Friday person. I was one day paralysed and screaming.

That is a really quick way to reveal who really cares about you and who doesn't.

Then for a long time it was just really hard for me to get anywhere but I just went on meetup and joined groups and begged for lifts to fun things.

Then I met my ex who was horribly socially anxious. That isolated me a bit more again.

Now I'm doing it to myself a bit because I feel pretty crappy about myself and I'm weird and very vulnerable right now. But I'm still making myself try. In safe measured ways.

Plus I just plain think it's good for me to relearn to be alone right now

Wow im gonna take a leaf out of ur book Emily and I thought I had it bad well it's not easy as i work wth her and see her everyday and she's started seeing someone at work and I'm forced everyday to watch them interact makes moving on difficult I moved to where I am now as its been a dream it's a holiday destination and this is probably the biggest company here or if not the country ad I just got promoted more money etc but the downside is i hav to work near her and see hear her everyday. The only solution is to move back interstate well temporarily at least some days are better than others som days ate not I dono wat to realy do myself one day I'm going bac interstate the next day I think why shld i I was the one that was here 1st and she came up after me 2 yrs later but boy did she really make it difficult for me . Anyway love ur strength

April 15, 2017

Wow im gonna take a leaf out of ur book Emily and I thought I had it bad well it's not easy as i work wth her and see her everyday and she's started seeing someone at work and I'm forced everyday to watch them interact makes moving on difficult I moved to where I am now as its been a dream it's a holiday destination and this is probably the biggest company here or if not the country ad I just got promoted more money etc but the downside is i hav to work near her and see hear her everyday. The only solution is to move back interstate well temporarily at least some days are better than others som days ate not I dono wat to realy do myself one day I'm going bac interstate the next day I think why shld i I was the one that was here 1st and she came up after me 2 yrs later but boy did she really make it difficult for me . Anyway love ur strength

Thanx babe.

That is pretty bloody tough.

Don't let her ruin your career dude. This is your life.

Treat her like she doesn't exist, if forced into contact just put on the distant and faintly bored by her act and exit ASAP.

April 15, 2017

Hi,

I'm currently in a situation where my girlfriend of two years has broken up with me, but we are still in daily contact - I often receive 'good morning' and 'good night' messages. While of course this is easing the blow of the break up, I am beginning to wonder if this is helpful, in terms of moving on.

We have been together for two years. We had a lot of ups and downs, regular break ups, that sort of thing. Not a very healthy relationship. The problem I am having is that I am 33, and worried about my future in terms of relationships.

I have also suffered a lot of rejection - being with her for two years and subsequently being dumped is having a profound effect on my mood and making me very depressed.

She has told me that she is willing to be friends, and, as I've said, messages me every day. We were supposed to meet yesterday but both agreed on not doing so as when we have done that in the past we end up sleeping together.

Of course I know all about NC as a moving on tool - another issue is that at this point in my life I am extremely lonely and if her and I don't talk, I won't really have anyone else. What I'm worried about is her moving on while we're still talking, being 'friends', etc. I'm struggling to let go, basically.

I don't really know what to do for the best, and what would help me move on the fastest. Is NC truly the best option? Does it always make a mess of things if you don't go NC?

I'm not going to lie, I have a problem with asking her repeatedly to try again. In the past this has worked and she's got back with me (of course, we only go on to break up again) - so in my mind this approach will work again. I think I am addicted to this relationship/person, despite it not being very good.

I was wondering if anyone had any practical tips to help me out of this situation, as I am feeling a bit stuck/lost.

NC is self imposed in the same way healing is self imposed. Its a discipline and a very important one.

Let me put it this way, one day the morning messages will stop and that will be because she is waking up next to another man. Do you want to go through this?

She sees you as weak right now, as you are literally accepting less than what you are worth. Scraps from the table. She'll get really cruel with you if this continues.

Those little messages in the morning might make you feel good, but its a tiny fix easing the pain of dependency on another person making you feel good. And it really will lead to more pain. Yes, you are addicted and like a drug addiction you will have problems if you keep this up.

Tell her you're not interested in friendship, she can call you if she changes her mind. Read 'No more Mr Nice Guy,' and check Corey Wayne on YouTube. Take steps to look after yourself. You'll feel better right away.

April 15, 2017

When my 1st serious BF broke up with me, the idea of never speaking to him was unnerving. He was the 1st BF I ever had who I spoke to on a daily a basis (at his request & insistence). I had no idea how I was supposed to go from daily contact to no contact.

We made a crazy deal. I was allowed to call him that first week to talk for 5 days for 5 minutes; dropped to 4 days for 4 minutes the next week, 3 & 3 the 3rd week etc. He promised to pick up. We'd have banal conversations about not personal stuff. It helped to wean me off him.

That technique won't work for everybody but I appreciated his kindness.

I had 2 other big break ups after that. While as the dumper I didn't reach out, if the guys contacted me, I'd listen for a few minutes but end the phone calls quickly saying I didn't think it was a good idea for us to keep in contact.

If you can't do full NC, at least pare down the contact. The daily texts need to stop. Wean yourself off this woman & find others to speak to. Call your parents every day if you have nobody else to talk to. Force yourself to go out & do something after work -- volunteer, go to a gym, get a second job in fast food just for the human interaction.

April 15, 2017

@fromheart

No, I don’t want that at all. As for the getting cruel part - I’ve been through that with someone else. They always get impatient that you can’t just be friends, already!! It makes me feel physically sick, the way these people always act.

She won’t change her mind. She’s that type who, if yI say ‘leave me alone’ she really will. Although, one time I did change my number after a break up with her (she was telling me to leave her alone, so I did) and she arrived at my house a few days later. I wish she had just left me alone, then. I was actually dealing with the break up pretty well.

@d0nnivain -

The daily texts do need to stop. The thing is that I am terrified. I am also having obsessive thoughts about her being with others and the fact that we won’t be intimate again. I don’t know how to shut those off. I can’t even listen to music or watch certain films because the mere mention of love or sex drives me crazy.

Update -

The latest is that today I felt quite upset, and I stupidly messaged her asking her if I could see her (I have no idea for what, tbh) - she agreed but said it has to be away from the house. I probably won’t, as I don’t know what I want to see her for - it will only hurt when she’s acting all platonic.

I feel terrified and scared and I keep bursting into tears every hour or so. I am tired of getting into relationships that don’t work out - I am starting to feel like I am doing something wrong or that I’m just not good enough for anyone. All of my past partners appear to have settled down immediately after me, yet I still haven’t. I am 33 and I just feel like - when am I going to have my own family, have kids, etc? If I can’t even find a decent partner, that’s never going to happen. It’s quite stressful and depressing. And here I am again, having to do this whole NC, break up, whole silly process. I’m so tired of it.

April 15, 2017

You need some better self talk. You have found decent partners, They just weren't your partners. If you loved before you will love again. Think about what you learned from past relationships & how you will apply that to your next relationship. Stop with the negative feelings. Life is not over at 33. I didn't meet my husband until I was 39.

April 15, 2017

The latest is that today I felt quite upset, and I stupidly messaged her asking her if I could see her (I have no idea for what, tbh) - she agreed but said it has to be away from the house. I probably won’t, as I don’t know what I want to see her for - it will only hurt when she’s acting all platonic.

I feel terrified and scared and I keep bursting into tears every hour or so. I am tired of getting into relationships that don’t work out - I am starting to feel like I am doing something wrong or that I’m just not good enough for anyone. All of my past partners appear to have settled down immediately after me, yet I still haven’t. I am 33 and I just feel like - when am I going to have my own family, have kids, etc? If I can’t even find a decent partner, that’s never going to happen. It’s quite stressful and depressing. And here I am again, having to do this whole NC, break up, whole silly process. I’m so tired of it.

Oh my god I hear you on all this.

This is the same dark place I go to if I don't watch it.

And it's basically the mental equivalent of slashing your wrists. You are hurting yourself, like really going uber self destructive.

Look it is totally healthy to reflect on any patterns in choice of partner that aren't productive.

But you really need to not let your head get caught up in all this future thinking while you're in the middle of grieving. Right now of course all you can see is a miserable lonely existence. Because you've just been dumped.

You will not feel like this forever and you do not know what the future holds and if you really want love and a family future you will act consistently in ways to get those things for yourself, even if in a different way than you currently imagine.

You are I think mostly reacting to extreme fear of being alone.

So switch it up. Find things you relish being able to do alone. Embrace it.

Learn to be alone.

Because the alternative is to keep throwing your whole power and self value at someone who has badly hurt you and does not want you. That will totally not lead to a loving family.

This relationship does not define who you are, I think you have lost yourself a little in this one.

And I'm so sorry. Just so very sorry. For your pain and anguish.

We all go to this place sometimes.

Please read my advice on the previous posts and actually try to employ some of them soon.

But for now, ok you can't do or think about anything else. So stop resisting the grief. We get in this mindset where we get afraid of our own negative feelings and afraid if we let them out they will never stop.

This is not true.

Let the sadness and loss out. Cry for the future you wanted but don't have with this person now. If you let your feelings have expression they will ebb and flow naturally on their own. As long as you don't add all this extra huge significance to then about your future,

I grieve extremely hard like this too. I literally can do little else.

So I just make room for that.

It has its benefits. I heal quicker and cleaner than most.

Edited April 15, 2017 by EmilyJane

April 15, 2017

That strong anxiety you're feeling about meeting this person again. It happens. You know you are vulnerable...and you are walking into the exact most unsafe place you could possibly be going into. That's enough to make anyone anxious!! Terrified...is a better word.

April 15, 2017

You feel as if you will disappear without her. You will not. (Actually, you will find yourself, but, unfortunately....that comes later. You don't get to know this on the front end).

One note about "moving on". That is a misnomer. It's more of a moving forward. You're doing that now.

April 15, 2017

No contact will get you through this darkness quicker. It is what is best for you I believe after reading your messages but ultimately you have to pull the plug.

She feels guilty ending it and the 'breadcrumbs' are a way for her to ease her guilt. Basically she breaks your heart then uses you to make herself feel better. Maybe it's not as clear cut as that:)

I know you feel lonely but what did you do before you met her? Get out and meet people, join some clubs and societies. Even get out and go to the gym, or get out walking. Have you family you can do stuff with? I know it's easy for me to say this but I am/was in the same boat. Get yourself out there and don't look back. Do it for yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you but you only get one!

April 15, 2017

@whatnot -

“you will find yourself”

I hope so. This has made me lose pretty much all sense of self. I had a weird moment earlier when I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror - that was odd but I need to get back to myself, yes.

@breadbin -

I don’t know what I did before I met her. I just lived day to day without all this weighing down on me. Enjoyed music, ran, spent time with family, did my own thing.

True though. You only get one life to live.

April 15, 2017

@EmilyJane -

Your posts make a lot of sense to me. I hope that I won’t feel like this forever, but everytime I let someone in I get hurt. I am not a robot to be continuously dealing with pain - I know some people have worse problems than a few break ups and I’m not trivialising that at all.

“Because the alternative is to keep throwing your whole power and self value at someone who has badly hurt you and does not want you.”

I just don’t really understand how people can spend so much time with someone and then treat them as if nothing’s happened. I will never understand break ups. I can tell you exactly how they pan out, chronologically, but I won’t understand them.

Thank you for the previous advice, I’m going to read through the thread now and take note. I feel so devoid of energy and motivation but I don’t want to feel like this forever.

April 15, 2017

Update

Who was it in this thread who said that she’d start acting cruel? Well, that’s exactly what she’s doing, now.

I can’t remember what started it, but she started telling me that I was being ‘overwhelming’ and that I was affecting her emotional wellbeing(!), that she doesn't know how we could ever be friends in the future (again, I haven't moved on fast enough!) and that I need to find happiness elsewhere because it isn’t with her, etc. Quite wounding things to hear and sent me into an anxiety attack.

Then she said we could hold off on contact for a week - then changed it to a ‘clean break’. I can’t lie this sent me into a panic and I asked her not to do that. So now she’s ‘talking’ to me, but being very distant and cold, and has asked me for ‘space’ and has retracted the offer of meeting up because she’s ‘changed her mind’.

I think it’s time for NC but my anxiety flares up at even the thought of it. I need to take action on this as soon as possible but I need this anxiety to go away.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm still very much attached to her to the point that my mind feels like we are still in a relationship (I'd imagine the daily messages haven't helped) and I'm so upset, crying every ten minutes which is ridiculous. This whole thing is taking so much out of me.

Edited April 15, 2017 by coledvids

April 15, 2017

Her being cruel is probably the best thing that can happen to you. If she finally cuts things off, you will have no choice but to move forward. You aren't doing yourself any favors here.

April 15, 2017

She's tired of your needy, clingy but you don't get it.

You're projecting your feelings about her onto her. She doesn't feel that way about you.

She's told you and shown you but you still don't want to believe her.

If you can't fix yourself this'll just happen with your next relationship

April 15, 2017

She's tired of your needy, clingy but you don't get it.

You're projecting your feelings about her onto her. She doesn't feel that way about you.

She's told you and shown you but you still don't want to believe her.

If you can't fix yourself this'll just happen with your next relationship

She has been messaging and initiating contact with me every day. You don't get to break up with someone, act like that, and then expect them to act sane or in fact any other way. I appreciate your honesty, but on that, I disagree. Needy and clingy I don't think I am, actually. I am quite offended by that.

I don't think I've expressed wanting to remain in the relationship, here. I've only come here to express concern about my own feelings and actions.

I am trying to move away from the situation, I'm not trying to get back with her. This thread is about the way I am feeling, I am not asking for advice on how to reconcile or whether she wants to. I am quite clear in understand that she doesn't want to be with me. I am asking and looking for ways in which to move forward, and here to try and understand my feelings by seeking advice and perspective from others.

Edited April 15, 2017 by coledvids

April 15, 2017

Update

Who was it in this thread who said that she’d start acting cruel? Well, that’s exactly what she’s doing, now.

I can’t remember what started it, but she started telling me that I was being ‘overwhelming’ and that I was affecting her emotional wellbeing(!), that she doesn't know how we could ever be friends in the future (again, I haven't moved on fast enough!) and that I need to find happiness elsewhere because it isn’t with her, etc. Quite wounding things to hear and sent me into an anxiety attack.

Then she said we could hold off on contact for a week - then changed it to a ‘clean break’. I can’t lie this sent me into a panic and I asked her not to do that. So now she’s ‘talking’ to me, but being very distant and cold, and has asked me for ‘space’ and has retracted the offer of meeting up because she’s ‘changed her mind’.

I think it’s time for NC but my anxiety flares up at even the thought of it. I need to take action on this as soon as possible but I need this anxiety to go away.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm still very much attached to her to the point that my mind feels like we are still in a relationship (I'd imagine the daily messages haven't helped) and I'm so upset, crying every ten minutes which is ridiculous. This whole thing is taking so much out of me.

That was me who said she'd start acting cruel. Sorry to hear that its come true.

Look, you MUST cut it off with her completely. Its the only way to feel better, just trust us on this.

Get yourself to a good friends place, or family. The emotions you are experiencing will pass. But you must get away from this woman, as she is making it worse for you.

These emotions will pass.

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