GemmaUK Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Thanks. It's good to be optimistic. I think many people here thought I'd come off as a creep or stalker. We can all agree at the very least, that wasn't the case at all. Am I right? It's good to be optimistic yes but in this case she has told you twice already she isn't ready 'for anything' - if she was interested in you then she would already be dating you. People don't miss an opportunity to date someone if they are interested in someone. Her actions are speaking louder than her words on the 'not ready for anything' part you see - she is dating and went on a date with you therefore she is actually ready and looking to meet someone she likes. She sounds polite towards you - possibly due to your small ethnic/religious circle - but not interested in you.
Miss Spider Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 (edited) Thanks. It's good to be optimistic I think many people here thought I'd come off as a creep or stalker. We can all agree at the very least, that wasn't the case at all. Am I right? Well, I guess that's a matter of individual perception, but I don't think you've done anything really creepy. I don't think your behavior is creepy to her as much as a bit of a nuisance because she's trying to be polite but it clearly not interested. And why you are still so interested despite cultural/ethnic/career similarities is beyond me Edited May 7, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author Kitchen Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 Correct - not interested in me. I'm just trying to be friends and take it from there.
dispatch3d Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Everyone's a drinker. In fact, alcoholism is rampant with our people. Why do you ask? I use the word "community" in order to not be too specific as I'd rather not reveal details that don't really matter anyway. Sure the general population probably drinks a lot. Do doctors drink a lot though, on average? I would be shocked if they did. The "community" you belong to is relevant, because if you did something that violates what the community represents, or an ideal they have (sometimes these are ideals, sometimes not) then that would be a reason she wouldn't date you again. The spinach on your teeth to me is moot, if she's not dating you because sometimes you get spinach on your teeth that's just lolable.
Author Kitchen Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 Sure the general population probably drinks a lot. Do doctors drink a lot though, on average? I would be shocked if they did. The "community" you belong to is relevant, because if you did something that violates what the community represents, or an ideal they have (sometimes these are ideals, sometimes not) then that would be a reason she wouldn't date you again. The spinach on your teeth to me is moot, if she's not dating you because sometimes you get spinach on your teeth that's just lolable. I meant that alcoholism is rampant in our community, but that was sarcasm, because I knew what you were getting at. Thing is that we both drank, and smoked! So I don't think the drinking is what caused the rejection. Also, on average, I would bet a lot of money that doctors consume more alcohol than the rest of the population. Not going to reveal the "community" as it's small enough for me to be worried about being discovered. 1
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) So just wanted to share an update, and I'll recap everything that has happened thus far. 1. First date with a girl in early April, it was a terrible mix of me acting obnoxious and awful timing with parking/logistics, perfect storm for a bad date. Naturally she said she's not ready for anything when I asked her on a second date. I was bold and straight up told her how I had such a bad day and she should give me a second chance, which she also rejected. 2. We happen to be of the same cultural community. I found her stunning, and decided I would persist. Everyone here thinks I'm wasting my time and being a nuisance or outright creep to her were I to persist. 3. Three weeks after this date, I invite her to a group thing in our community. She says she can't make it since she's out of town for a month (something I knew was going to happen from our convo in our first date). 4. We exchanged a few very light texts while she was away for a month, but nothing substantial. 5. A month later I invited her to another group thing, something she also rejected saying she has plans to attend another function that day. This last step happened about a week ago. So far I have seen absolutely no sign of any regained interest after the bad first date. That was until yesterday. SHE texted me yesterday out of the blue, and as opposed to the bland light texts that we exchanged over the past few months, she was very talkative and the conversation even turned to the topic of dating which she brought up. Basically she texted me asking if I am going to this other cultural event that is coming up next weekend. I told her I am not sure if I can make it yet. This event will have speed dating sessions which again SHE brought up. This was a golden opportunity for me to make self deprecating remarks of some of the stupid things from our date. (like me spilling a shot on her). She loved it and kept laughing. She kept telling/asking me a total of THREE times during the convo "LMK if you're going", "you should come if you can", etc. Anyway today I found out I couldn't go, so I told her. She said "oh damn". Then I said, but we should catch up otherwise, you free next week at all? She gave me the dreaded "I'll let you know". I know, I know, I should have gave an exact date time and location to meet. But I guess I got cocky & lazy, and took her strong coming on as guaranteed date. However, in a twist, later on I found out that I actually CAN actually go to this community event next weekend. So now I will just wait till next weekend, show up, and see her there. So not sure what the deal is here, maybe she likes the chase? Idk. But you all should admit that whatever it is, she certainly does NOT see me as a creep or even nuisance if she went out of her way to converse with me. Maybe she wants to chase. Maybe she needed an emotional tampon, idk. She gave me some nice firepower, I shall continue to persist in my own way and report back next weekend. Also, I don't feel the regret for messing up so badly anymore. It couldn't have possibly been that bad. It must be that she's still getting over an ex or another issue of hers, not mine. Edited June 25, 2017 by Kitchen
GemmaUK Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 My honest opinion is that she came over friendly in order to check whether you would be attending. You told her you weren't so she got her answer and is free to attend confident that you wouldn't be there and then she didn't agree to set any meet up plans with you when you asked. If she had been interested in actually seeing 'you' then she would have offered up a time. I've done the same kind of thing a few times where I wanted to know if someone would be in attendance whom I didn't want to see.
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 My honest opinion is that she came over friendly in order to check whether you would be attending. You told her you weren't so she got her answer and is free to attend confident that you wouldn't be there and then she didn't agree to set any meet up plans with you when you asked. If she had been interested in actually seeing 'you' then she would have offered up a time. I've done the same kind of thing a few times where I wanted to know if someone would be in attendance whom I didn't want to see. I told her I'm not sure due to a work event. She kept insisting that I try and make it if I can. THREE times. Why?
GemmaUK Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 I told her I'm not sure due to a work event. She kept insisting that I try and make it if I can. THREE times. Why? Three times is the most simple thing to fill out a conversation with and make you think she very much wanted you to go without chit chatting very much or thinking of anything else to talk about. I think due to this event being within your community she very much wanted to find out whether you were going as you'd likely be aware of it - if you were going then she could make her choice to go or not go. You'll soon find out anyway if she 'let's you know' a time when she is free to meet. Give it a week, see whether she contacts you.
elaine567 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Anyway today I found out I couldn't go, so I told her. She said "oh damn". Then I said, but we should catch up otherwise, you free next week at all? She gave me the dreaded "I'll let you know". I know, I know, I should have gave an exact date time and location to meet. But I guess I got cocky & lazy, and took her strong coming on as guaranteed date. Sorry, but it should read "I know, I know I shouldn't have bothered" I don't know why she contacted you, I guess for some reason she wanted to know if you would be there, but the "I'll let you know" when you offered an alternative meet up was a turn down AGAIN. Any woman who was really interested would have jumped at the chance of an alternative meet up, she would have bitten off your hand.. But NO, that was not what she wanted, she contacted you only to find out if you would be there. Maybe she was thinking of bringing another guy to the event, or her friend is interested in you or she will only go if you are NOT going to be there... who knows? She asked you three times to make sure of your plans, to make sure you could not be persuaded to change your mind. You need to let this go now. 2
allez102 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Kitchen, what are you trying to prove to here and to who? There's persistent or 'bold' (as you described it) and then there's being irritating and desperate. She's not interested in you. You need to move on, let this go, and address some underlying issues with self esteem that I'm guessing you have from the content of your posts.
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 She had already purchased her tickets by the time she contacted me, so no it's not as if she wanted to make sure I wasn't going before committing. She's not bringing a guy to the event, she mentioned she doesn't know anyone going. Also, given the event has singles functions, it's not somewhere you'd want to bring a date or bf to. Once again I'm not dropping this one. I would have, had she not contacted me. But she did. She can't be all that interested though given she turned me down. But I don't think her interest is zero either. My goal is to raise that interest. And I don't think I was the creep to her that you guys made me out to be. I'm a big believer in persistence, and persist I shall. If she never wanted to hear from me again she wouldn't have had initiated contact. I'll work with what I have. I'll report back next week.
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 Kitchen, what are you trying to prove to here and to who? There's persistent or 'bold' (as you described it) and then there's being irritating and desperate. She's not interested in you. You need to move on, let this go, and address some underlying issues with self esteem that I'm guessing you have from the content of your posts. Lol I have self esteem issues because of my unbridled optimism? Sorry but I think that instead shows confidence. If I was so irritaring to her, she wouldn't bother contacting me. You folks keep saying how well she really has ulterior motives, how she's pretending to persuade me to come. Give me a break. Finally; what do I have to lose by trying? I have zero emotional investment in this.
allez102 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Lol I have self esteem issues because of my unbridled optimism? Sorry but I think that instead shows confidence. If I was so irritaring to her, she wouldn't bother contacting me. You folks keep saying how well she really has ulterior motives, how she's pretending to persuade me to come. Give me a break. Finally; what do I have to lose by trying? I have zero emotional investment in this. Your dignity.. Why are you posting on here if you are not going to be open minded to our responses? Everyone is giving you the same advice but because it doesn't fit in with what you believe, you're refusing to accept it. Confidence.. really? If I was the girl in your scenario that's hardly the word I would be using to describe your behaviour. Desperate more like! I disagree that you aren't emotionally invested in this - if you were you wouldn't keep trying with someone who has said she isn't interested.
Marc878 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 OP, I'd inform her that you are abbé to attend now. Don't just show up.
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 Your dignity.. I'm not one to wear my pride on my sleeves like that. My dignity is fully intact. Why are you posting on here if you are not going to be open minded to our responses? Everyone is giving you the same advice but because it doesn't fit in with what you believe, you're refusing to accept it. To give an update, as made clear in my post. People like updates. Secondly, I'd be happy to be proven wrong about why she texted me, but so far the theory everyone offered doesn't seem to be make much sense given the facts. (That she is basing her decision on attending on me NOT attending.) Confidence.. really? If I was the girl in your scenario that's hardly the word I would be using to describe your behaviour. Desperate more like! Once again, my dignity is intact, I wear a thick skin with these things, My fundamental belief is different than yours in that I believe persistence pays off when a woman shows at least some interest. I agree with everyone here she may not be that into me as of now, but my goal is to change that. I disagree that you aren't emotionally invested in this - if you were you wouldn't keep trying with someone who has said she isn't interested. What I meant to say is that this isn't like an ex-gf or someone I'm in love with that I am chasing and heartbroken over. Her rejections don't hurt me whatsoever. And that is the most important point of all - I have zero emotional investment whatsoever, and therefore have nothing to lose if ultimately it doesn't work out.
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 OP, I'd inform her that you are abbé to attend now. Don't just show up. Hm why do you say so? Would it be awkward otherwise? TIA
dumbass2 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) I think you should go if you want to but might want to let her know since you already told her you weren't. There's speed dating there so maybe you'll meet someone new because I'm sure she is hoping to meet someone. Don't be going there thinking you will all of the sudden swoop her off her feet. It wont work. Go there in hopes of impressing a few women and maybe you'll snag one. Edited June 25, 2017 by dumbass2
Author Kitchen Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 I think you should go if you want to but might want to let her know since you already told her you weren't. There's speed dating there so maybe you'll meet someone new because I'm sure she is hoping to meet someone. Don't be going there thinking you will all of the sudden swoop her off her feet. It wont work. Go there in hopes of impressing a few women and maybe you'll snag one. Of course She's not the reason I am going. I've always wanted to go, just didn't know it was feasible until the last moment.
GemmaUK Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Hm why do you say so? Would it be awkward otherwise? TIA Yes it will be for her but I suspect that you won't notice any awkwardness at all. From the sound of her though she'll deal with it like an adult and be friendly towards you, she will just say 'I'll let you know' when you ask to meet up again or agree to meet and then cancel. How do you plan to make her like you exactly?
Author Kitchen Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Yes it will be for her but I suspect that you won't notice any awkwardness at all. From the sound of her though she'll deal with it like an adult and be friendly towards you, she will just say 'I'll let you know' when you ask to meet up again or agree to meet and then cancel. How do you plan to make her like you exactly? No need to be condescending. To answer your question - I sincerely think I wasn't myself on the date. If I was, and she still rejected me, I would say I have no hope. Anyway, I'm a great people person, natural leader, and entertainer. I do well in these big group settings; life of the party so to speak. In person I have a huge advantage over texting/calling. Just the way I am. Hoping this leads to some attraction. That and perhaps some social proof as this place will be full of single women.
GemmaUK Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I wasn't being condescending, perhaps that was badly worded or I didn't explain it out enough. That sentence was based off the fact that you keep saying how thick skinned you are (in which case awkwardness may roll off your back like water off a duck's back) and also that it just wouldn't be awkward for you anyway, you want to see her so you won't feel any awkwardness. Only she will feel awkward if she doesn't want to see you. Then also if she doesn't want to see you she will likely ride it through by being friendly so you are unlikely to pick up on any awkwardness.
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