Enormously Frustrated, think I ruined the first date

[Kitchen]

Does anyone else find it odd that this woman would give her car keys up to a virtual stranger to move the car while she hangs back like a damsel in distress? Apparently they chose the 1-hour parking together, and I would think that they would call the bar and drinks a bust together, move the car to another location together, and find something else to do together, while laughing about what a stupid idea it was to choose 1-hour parking, and they should have known better than that on a Friday night with good weather; it would be packed to the gills.

 

The OP certainly made some mistakes, but this girl sat at the bar with a drink while giving up her keys to some dude she met for the first time in order for him to solve her parking problem, and she hung back and enjoyed her cocktail.

 

I'm bouncing on two sides of the fence on this date. I'm really not all that impressed with the woman's behavior either.

 

It is still tale-telling worthy.

 

Ok here's what happened. I had ordered a round of shots. Then the phone alarm indicating that it's time to move the car went off (we had both lost track of time).

 

She suggested we take our shots and go move it. I said it's probably a bad idea to take the shots before driving, and that she should wait while I moved it. In my head I was thinking it would be only a 7-8 min process, assuming it'll be quick to find the second spot. She agreed and gave me her keys.

 

I even joked that it's interesting she trusts me with her car like that, and at least she had my shot, and my cc at the tab as collateral. She laughed.

 

So I went to move it and took a hell of a lot longer than I had assumed. I even called her from the drive to update her and to reassure I haven't run away with her car. She called me again at some point just to get a status update. What a mess lol.

 

Anyway, not to brag, but the fact she gave me her car says that I am rather charming, no?

[GemmaUK]

Yes, that's how manipulative I am right? Move her car so she can't get to it, forcing her to stick with me all night! You've figured me out, I'm an evil genius!

 

Never mind the fact that she got in her car after (I got in mine), and we both drove to a separate location to extend the date! Just ignore that small fact! Let's focus on me moving her car from the 1 hour max parking spot so that I can hide it from her.

 

I didn't suggest nor even think you had moved it so she wouldn't know where it was - you just came up with that.

I was just saying that if you 'insisted' on being the one to move the car then maybe she just chose to go along with it - for an easier life.

 

And good grief! I can't believe you were not only drinking and driving but actually drinking shots!!?? Seriously?

[Kitchen]

I didn't suggest nor even think you had moved it so she wouldn't know where it was - you just came up with that.

I was just saying that if you 'insisted' on being the one to move the car then maybe she just chose to go along with it - for an easier life.

 

And good grief! I can't believe you were not only drinking and driving but actually drinking shots!!?? Seriously?

 

Well it didn't take much convincing. And yes the shots were taken after moving the car. Hence my suggestion to her that I move it.

 

I really didn't think it'd take that long! Blah, I hate that the gods came out to ensure that I totally completely **** things over with this. Like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. In retrospect it was obviously idiotic of me to do back to back dates but come on, why the hell did they both choose Tuesday!!

[Miss Spider]

lol I did ask that! Go to my OP!

 

I never asked whether or not I should pursue!

 

Yes I'll ask in a few weeks,promise to get back to you!

 

I read over OP 3 times now and it looks like a vent where you already had your mind made up and conclusions drawn, you just wanted them supported. Only question I see was one whether you messed up... but again, you already knew ..."I messed up...didn't I?"

 

You want to hear only positive affirmation, but this forum doesn't do that. They're being real. This girl is unquestionably not interested. There is no best way to ask out someone not interested. You know that, but as you said, you don't wanna give up. Because of this pedestal you've put her on. For being doctors, it's a kinda scary how little judgement you both displayed here.. Her giving you her keys wasn't a sign she trusted you . She doesn't even know you. It's a sign she trusts any Joe Blow from an app.

 

Anyway, good luck and please do follow up. I genuinely hope we're all wrong.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Kitchen]

I read over OP 3 times now and it looks like a vent where you already had your mind made up and conclusions drawn, you just wanted them supported. Only question I see was one whether you messed up... but again, you already knew ..."I messed up...didn't I?"

 

You want to hear only positive affirmation, but this forum doesn't do that. They're being real. This girl is unquestionably not interested. There is no best way to ask out someone not interested. You know that, but as you said, you don't wanna give up. Because of this pedestal you've put her on. For being doctors, it's a kinda scary how little judgement you both displayed here.. Her giving you her keys wasn't a sign she trusted you . She doesn't even know you. It's a sign she trusts any Joe Blow from an app.

 

Anyway, good luck and please do follow up. I genuinely hope we're all wrong.

 

Thanks. You're right, a lot of it is just venting. It felt better writing about it.

 

Well, I truly did desire an answer to the question: what is the best way to approach it now, assuming I'm approaching it? Nobody answered so I will stick with what I think is best - inviting to a group thing a few weeks down.

[allez102]

Yes, that's how manipulative I am right? Move her car so she can't get to it, forcing her to stick with me all night! You've figured me out, I'm an evil genius!

 

Never mind the fact that she got in her car after (I got in mine), and we both drove to a separate location to extend the date! Just ignore that small fact! Let's focus on me moving her car from the 1 hour max parking spot so that I can hide it from her.

 

How/why are you not addressing the criticisms from others about your drink driving? You not only moved her car but you BOTH drove!? After shots? Irresponsible. Statistics show that people like you have drunk driven before and will do it again. I hope to god you don't kill anyone

[Kitchen]

How/why are you not addressing the criticisms from others about your drink driving? You not only moved her car but you BOTH drove!? After shots? Irresponsible. Statistics show that people like you have drunk driven before and will do it again. I hope to god you don't kill anyone

 

Why I'm not addressing it? 1) Because people are criticizing without having all the information and 2) It's frankly nothing to do with the topic at hand.

 

Since you asked, I'll say that nobody was drunk. We had 2 drinks each and by the time we drove I can assure you that our BAC was below the limit.

 

Earlier in the afternoon I had 2 beers (on my first date). Do me a favor. Figure out your BAC after 2 beers; put in your weight and everything. You can find a calculator online. Then come back and post.

[Teknoe]

Interesting story/thread. I won't repeat what others have stated but I'd like to touch on the pizza part which no one has pointed out in the manner I'm about to:

 

1. Bad call on your move to grab that free slice of pizza. I understand it's free and it's pizza and everything but you were already running late. It's all about context. As soon as you left her your number one priority should have been "GET BACK TO HER ASAP." Anything that deviates from that should be a firm no without even thinking about it. Sure, grabbing a slice and chowing down (even if it takes 2-3 minutes) is still going against your priority. Context!

 

2. At least if you got a slice ask if you could grab a second one for your date. If you came back with a slice, that would been nicer than showing her your leftovers stuck in your teeth, lol.

 

3. At the very least just grab the one slice and bring it back and offer to split it with her. To grab just one slice and eat it yourself even after you're already running late is a bad look all around. Who knows, maybe that's the point where she said "Not feeling this guy at all, after all."

 

Just use your head next time and put the girl first. It can go a long way. And yes, please don't drink and drive. Even if you were technically under the BAC, don't get cocky and think you can push your limits. One day it could come back to haunt you. And don't plan back to back dates.

 

Live and learn.

[ses]

Yes, your behavior reflected poorly on you. I've been alone after heartbreak, and it hurts a lot initially but you should possibly focus on healing yourself. In my experience I threw myself into dating a short time after being dumped, and it was so unhealthy—a lot of emptiness with superficial reward.

 

Honestly, there are plenty of Indian doctors available (non-Desi here). I have plenty of friends who've found someone through their own aunty network and married within their same ethnic/religious group. If she's not impressed, she'll probably find someone else soon. Please don't contact her unless she reaches out first.

[Kitchen]

Yes, your behavior reflected poorly on you. I've been alone after heartbreak, and it hurts a lot initially but you should possibly focus on healing yourself. In my experience I threw myself into dating a short time after being dumped, and it was so unhealthy—a lot of emptiness with superficial reward.

 

Honestly, there are plenty of Indian doctors available (non-Desi here). I have plenty of friends who've found someone through their own aunty network and married within their same ethnic/religious group. If she's not impressed, she'll probably find someone else soon. Please don't contact her unless she reaches out first.

 

It's not just Indian. I'm part of a specific minority religious sect, amongst Indians.

 

In either case; what is the harm in trying to invite once for a cultural event? Investment on my part is zero, it's not like I'll be heartbroken over it. Will she think I'm a creep? From one invite? Really? One invite to a legitimate event...and I'll tell her to bring her friends.

 

And even if she thinks I'm a creep because of it, who the hell cares?

 

Also btw; this whole experience has helped me move past the previous girl. I used to think differently but I fully believe now that once you take some time to really feel your feelings (days or a week or 2 max), it's time to throw yourself out there. Sure it sucks when you go out with someone who's not interesting; you regress a little. But once you find someone semi attractive, you start shifting your energy from your ex to the new person.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Kitchen

[GemmaUK]

I used to think differently but I fully believe now that once you take some time to really feel your feelings (days or a week or 2 max), it's time to throw yourself out there. Sure it sucks when you go out with someone who's not interesting; you regress a little. But once you find someone semi attractive, you start shifting your energy from your ex to the new person.

 

And this is the main thing here really - the above is exactly what you should be letting the lady in question do. She hasn't found anyone to shift her energy to yet.

If you leave her be then she'll have more opportunity to do that.

[Kitchen]

And this is the main thing here really - the above is exactly what you should be letting the lady in question do. She hasn't found anyone to shift her energy to yet.

If you leave her be then she'll have more opportunity to do that.

 

That's what I'm hoping for

 

I'm hoping she's just emotionally tied up to the recent breakup; rather then me being the one who ****ed things up.

 

Honestly I'd feel nearly 100% better about this if a genie confirmed to me that it wasn't me, it was her.

[GemmaUK]

That's what I'm hoping for

 

Good, so at least that part is cleared up - you've decided obviously to not invite her to this upcoming event and leave her be - who knows that could end up for her being the day when she is off doing something and she meets some guy who she feels attraction for.

 

I'm hoping she's just emotionally tied up to the recent breakup; rather then me being the one who ****ed things up.

 

Honestly I'd feel nearly 100% better about this if a genie confirmed to me that it wasn't me, it was her.

 

Basically, if you would 'plan' a date and it be exactly as this one went then you can know it wasn't anything you did.

If not and you would hope not to have a date like this again then yep, it was something you did - from your posts it appears you took the lead so...

 

If this had been my date I would have left the rammed bar before getting any drinks, taken the opportunity that there was only 45 mins left (or less by then) of parking time and chosen to go elsewhere.

Re-parking when a bar is rammed and the evening was warm as you described in a busy area was bound to take an age.

You didn't seem to think of any of the logistics of any of that let alone the fact you went on two dates in the same day.

 

Maybe some logical thinking would have done you better - but logical thinking is impaired when drinking.

Edited April 16, 2017 by GemmaUK

[Kitchen]

Good, so at least that part is cleared up - you've decided obviously to not invite her to this upcoming event and leave her be - who knows that could end up for her being the day when she is off doing something and she meets some guy who she feels attraction for.

 

Sarcasm? I don't know where this is coming from. Of course I will be inviting her. Can someone please explain to me what is so bad about one invite as such? If someone gives me a good explanation why I shouldn't do it, then I will listen.

 

 

Basically, if you would 'plan' a date and it be exactly as this one went then you can know it wasn't anything you did.

If not and you would hope not to have a date like this again then yep, it was something you did - from your posts it appears you took the lead so...

 

If this had been my date I would have left the rammed bar before getting any drinks, taken the opportunity that there was only 45 mins left (or less by then) of parking time and chosen to go elsewhere.

Re-parking when a bar is rammed and the evening was warm as you described in a busy area was bound to take an age.

You didn't seem to think of any of the logistics of any of that let alone the fact you went on two dates in the same day.

 

Maybe some logical thinking would have done you better - but logical thinking is impaired when drinking.

 

Yea I agree. I ****ed up the logistics so badly. It's so unlike me, and I still can't fathom why I did it. Yes I was buzzed, but definitely not trashed. I think my recent heartbreak played a role. My confidence has eroded. Add the alcohol, and the unexpected crowd/parking, and the failed date earlier in the day, and I got myself the perfect storm of bad events.

 

Like seriously. Leaving her by herself while I order drinks....unimaginable the thought process in my head. I guess I didn't realize that it'll take 15 minutes until after the fact. At the moment I was expecting the drinks to come any minute... Same with moving her car.

 

Life sucks.

[Kitchen]

I should point out that I've had girls be persistent when they shouldn't. I've had girls come on way too strong. I was never "creeped out" by it. Either felt indifferent or turned off. But I never felt like I was getting stalked or something of that sort.

 

What I'm saying is that...why is this no investment idea such a bad one? I don't get it.

 

All I need is for her to respond and possibly show up. If she shows up I feel golden. And it would be a seriously useful event, not just some bogus crap I pull out of my behind. And if she ignores? Well then I'd be comfortable moving on.

[GemmaUK]

Sarcasm? I don't know where this is coming from. Of course I will be inviting her. Can someone please explain to me what is so bad about one invite as such? If someone gives me a good explanation why I shouldn't do it, then I will listen.

 

Ugh! You are so hard to communicate with! You have misunderstood again.

What I posted was not intended to be sarcastic in the least.

You posted this:

But once you find someone semi attractive, you start shifting your energy from your ex to the new person.

To which I replied:

And this is the main thing here really - the above is exactly what you should be letting the lady in question do. She hasn't found anyone to shift her energy to yet.

If you leave her be then she'll have more opportunity to do that.

 

You then replied 'I hope that's what she does'

 

I was hoping that you had realised that she needs to do exactly what you said - the bolded part - she needs to find someone semi-attractive for herself - this is clearly not you as she has already expressed her lack of interest in you.

 

If you leave her be she'll have a greater chance to meet someone for whom she has a spark with.

If you chose to ask her out to this event when she has ALREADY said she isn't interested she is likely to decline - because she isn't interested.

Edited April 16, 2017 by GemmaUK

[coolheadal]

So I've been recovering from a mini heartbreak. Decided to throw myself into the dating pool head first. Went on 5 first dates in the last couple of weeks. Usually I'm very good at first dates, but I think my confidence is shaken due to the above mentioned recent event. Nonetheless, out of the 5 of them, I really liked only 1, the one I think I totally blew it with.

 

This past Tuesday I had 2 dates scheduled back to back (really idiotic idea). The one I'm frustrated with was the second one. The first one was an early-mid afternoon drinks meet, and the second one was for the evening. The first one didn't go that well, mainly because the girl came off uptight and materialistic. However, we did hold hands and I went for the kiss which she declined. This whole thing resulted in me being annoyed and further hurt my confidence.

 

On to the next one, which was a 45 minute drive from the first location. So I showed up and met the other girl. To start with, contrary to almost every other person out there, she looked BETTER than her online dating pictures, which tripped me up! On top of that I was pissed from the previous date, and then lastly I've been sad due to my recent breakup.

 

So we went to the bar, which was unfortunately packed, just like every other bar on the street. So it took me 15 minutes to order drinks at the bar while she waited on a table for us. Finally got the drinks and we conversed. It went decent, although she was bad at making eye contact and was a bit quiet.

 

Generally I'm an extrovert but also a good listener, that's what makes me good at dates. But because I was tripped up because of the 3 reasons I listed above, I became extremely talkative. It probably didn't help that I was a few beers in from the first date. And the fact that she was fairly quiet made it worse.

 

At one point her car needed to be moved since it was a 1 hour limit at the spot where she was at. So I being the man offered to go move it. I took it as a good sign that she trusted me with her car the first time she met me. Given it was so packed, I was gone for a half an hour when trying to find a spot. Someone was offering 1 free pizza slice on the street and I took it, ate it while I moved her car.

 

So finally half an hour later I get back to the bar. We finish our drinks. I explain to her the pizza incident. And (and this is cringeworthy), I happened to have a flake of red pepper stuck in my teeth at that very second, which I pulled out with my finger and showed her as "proof" of the pizza thing. I know, just shoot me now. But we were drinking and I was being silly. Way too silly. I paid for the drinks.

 

So next we decide to get food. As we walked to the restaurant I tried to brush my hand against hers in an attempt to hold hands. Unfortunately she pulled away. So we went to the restaurant, got food (no drinks), and she actually paid, and was insistent on it.

 

After this, we went back to her car and she agreed to go out for hookah. So we both drove in our cars separately and we went to the hookah place. And hung out there for half an hour. It was during this conversation that she agreed to a Friday date (but halfheartedly, so I knew something was up). I paid for the hookah.

 

Overall the date lasted like 4 hours.

 

Anyway next morning I called her to coordinate the Friday date. She texted me back saying she's in the train, but what's up? So I said no worries, just call me when free. So I guess when she got out of work later in the day she sent me a text saying how she had a lot of fun but she's not ready for anything yet. So I basically told her no worries, and let me know if she changes her mind, and good luck on her upcoming exam. She said thanks and appreciate it.

 

Recognizing my obnoxious behavior, the next morning I texted her basically saying "listen, I had an awful day Tuesday, and therefore it was an off night for me; however I found you interesting, and was wondering if you can give me a second chance - brunch tomorrow" (the brunch is what she had half heartedly agreed on). She replied in an hour saying she appreciates that I reached out and she's sorry I had a bad day, but it really wasn't me at all, and that she's simply not ready to date. I replied saying "fair enough, if/when ur ready feel free to reach out".

 

So, first question - I really f**ked it up, didn't I? Or is it possible at all that she is genuinely not interested in dating? This was the first date she went on since the end of her last relationship (which I think ended in December). I'm okay with the idea of her rejecting me for her own reasons, I just can't stand the fact that I may have shot myself in the foot, really kills me! You'll see why it kills me below. I am definitely going to reach out to her again (will explain below why), so I just need some guidance as to when/how to do it. Anyone ever got rejected for a 2nd date but then ended up getting one in the future?

 

As far as why I don't want to give this one up, and why I take this one so seriously: We are of the same religion and culture (my religion is a small one, there aren't many of us, in the U.S.). We both have the same career - doctors, and she wants to be with a doctor. Culturally and career wise, we fit.

 

She's also not fully American. She was raised in India for like the first decade of her life, and then went back there for college/med, and just recently came back a few months ago. So, her idea of dating I think may be different than ours. And I think I may have come off really aggressive by going for the hand hold, even though it's not a big deal for Americans.

 

So I'm thinking of waiting for like 2-3 weeks, and then inviting her out for either a group thing or a cultural/religious meetup that occur from time to time in our community. I think I should take a friends approach with this one, given her rather conservative values, and hope that from there I can at least have one foot in the door.

 

Thoughts?

 

Leave this woman alone. First you should have never taken her to a crowded bar. Should have found another place to take her. Never drive someone car eating pizza. You and her could have ate. You wasn't so sober. You can date as many as you want but drinking and driving is a no, no. You didn't show much concern for that. You had a perfect woman she waited for you. What you did was careless behavior on your part. When the women say to you they're not ready to date, you have to stop thinking what you want, she told you she doesn't want to DATE YOU, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU, DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU!!!

Edited April 16, 2017 by coolheadal

[Kitchen]

Ugh! You are so hard to communicate with! You have misunderstood again.

What I posted was not intended to be sarcastic in the least.

You posted this:

 

To which I replied:

 

 

You then replied 'I hope that's what she does'

 

I was hoping that you had realised that she needs to do exactly what you said - the bolded part - she needs to find someone semi-attractive for herself - this is clearly not you as she has already expressed her lack of interest in you.

 

If you leave her be she'll have a greater chance to meet someone for whom she has a spark with.

If you chose to ask her out to this event when she has ALREADY said she isn't interested she is likely to decline - because she isn't interested.

 

In that case you're pretty damn hard to communicate with as well. What I meant was: I hope her recent breakup really means it was her and not I that is the reason for no date #2 (so I can not feel like an idiot about it).

 

Regardless I'm still going to try the group thing! Has nothing to do with any of the above quote

[Els]

I don't think your behaviour was all that egregious, given the circumstances. I think the two of you are just not compatible.

 

A little tip - if you want to date conservative women who were raised in traditional cultures (and who choose to still adhere to them), don't reach for their hand on the first date. Absolute no-no. That was probably the biggest faux pas in your opening post IMO.

[BaileyB]

 

A little tip - if you want to date conservative women who were raised in traditional cultures (and who choose to still adhere to them), don't reach for their hand on the first date. Absolute no-no. That was probably the biggest faux pas in your opening post IMO.

 

I would have been pretty unhappy to be left alone for half an hour on a date. In fact, I don't know that I would have been waiting when you returned... And, I would have been further unimpressed when my date drank too much and picked up a piece of pizza while moving his car...

 

Unfortunately, there are lots of reasons why she didn't want to hold your hand and wasn't interested in getting together with you again. You never get a second chance to make a good first impression, so you should just call this one a loss and move on...

[Kitchen]

So just wanted to update the thread as promised.

 

Preface: She had told me she's going away for a few weeks, during our date, and I knew it was in either May or June..and for some reason I thought it was June (maybe I can't remember because of the alcohol).

 

So I texted her this past week, about 2-3 weeks after our last communication. I asked her if she'd like to join a group community dinner this month, a few weeks away; told her to bring her friends too.

 

She replied within minutes saying she is actually at the airport about to leave for the rest of May, so can't make it, but to let her know next time I plan something.

 

I told her no worries, have fun, and made a one line inside joke regarding the situation (too much to go into detail here, but it was a light joke made no difference to this topic at hand). She replied with one line and an lmao.

 

2 days later I followed her on Instagram and she followed me back. It's obvious from pics that she indeed is away right now.

 

Anyway - this is neutral IMO. Obviously it's not a clear green flag but in no way is it a red flag. She specifically told me to let her know next time, and that also within minutes of my text.

 

Clearly the door is open for me to invite her to another group thing, and that I will be doing so.

[dispatch3d]

Does the highlighted comment come from a place of intuition, reflection and wisdom, or does it come from a place of desperation, attachment and projection...

 

I lol'd pretty hard at this. This "community" you belong to that is so small and from india, just guessing here, but what kind of view do they take on drinking? And you said you drank multiple beers or something?

[Miss Spider]

Your optimism is admirable

[Kitchen]

I lol'd pretty hard at this. This "community" you belong to that is so small and from india, just guessing here, but what kind of view do they take on drinking? And you said you drank multiple beers or something?

 

Everyone's a drinker. In fact, alcoholism is rampant with our people. Why do you ask?

 

I use the word "community" in order to not be too specific as I'd rather not reveal details that don't really matter anyway.

[Kitchen]

Your optimism is admirable

 

Thanks. It's good to be optimistic.

 

I think many people here thought I'd come off as a creep or stalker. We can all agree at the very least, that wasn't the case at all. Am I right?