Enormously Frustrated, think I ruined the first date

[Kitchen]

You're projecting. How do you know who she will or will not date? So let's assume her dating pool is in fact very small, doesn't it speak volumes that she has still decided she does not want to get to know you?

 

You're going to ask her out irrespective of what anyone says here but it seems bleak from what you have described. Who knows though, you make get her to the community event and make a better impression and win her over. Good luck.

 

No, not projecting. My dating pool is far wider. I know what her pool is because she told me. Yea will give it one shot and will update everyone.

 

I just don't think it's "creepy" and that's the difference of opinion here. Do I have a chance? Maybe a tiny one.

[Imajerk17]

Yes indeed, on LS, whenever a first date doesn't lead to the second, it is always because the more interested party screwed up beyond all hope. ALWAYS.

 

Friends, let's keep this in perspective here. People "make mistakes" on first dates far worse than this and it often ends up working out. She couldn't have hated OP too much because she went with him somewhere else (the hookah joint). THAT is the key detail here.

 

Yeah he was gone for a half-hour to move her car, as there was a walk in either direction involved and parking was tight. How is that even his fault? I am surprised Girl let OP move her car in the first place. And who doesn't like free pizza? It's not like that really kept him away from his date, it doesn't take 90 seconds to eat a slice when you are hungry!

 

(You're not entirely off the hook OP though. The showing her the fleck of pepper in your mouth was gross. And on a related note, going from one date to another is a horrible idea in general--there are a bunch of reasons why, but no one looks and smells their best after a couple of beers nevermind beers and pizza. (I have a pack of "Eat Anything" gelcaps in my car, you should invest in some too.) As she went with you to the hookah bar after though, it doesn't look like those things did you in, you were given an opportunity to recover. Just don't do them again.)

 

There is always room for improvement indeed. My gut feeling about this is though, that the chemistry just wasn't there for her, and still wouldn't have been there even if OP didn't make the mistakes he made.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Miss Spider]

No, not projecting. My dating pool is far wider. I know what her pool is because she told me. Yea will give it one shot and will update everyone.

 

I just don't think it's "creepy" and that's the difference of opinion here. Do I have a chance? Maybe a tiny one.

 

Just ask her. You have a chance. You also have a chance of getting hit in the head with a meteorite. Just be prepared for the roughly the same odds and you'll be fine. She has gave you a big no thx based on her first impression and it's very unlikely she'll give it a second try. If she was EXTREMELY attracted to you, your margin of error would be much wider, but if she's was even a little unsure you kinda killed the attraction with your actions. It's ok, though, we all get tripped up sometimes.

[OatsAndHall]

Guys, I appreciate the advice and REALLY appreciate the time you took reading. But I know myself and the situation. And this is one I'm not going to let go. Even if I end up as friends that's totally cool.

 

So - back to my 2 questions: 1) did I **** it up by being obnoxious? 2) any advice on how to pursue this a few weeks down the line?

 

1. First dates can be tough so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. I generally go with coffee or dinner for a first date as bars can get busy, which takes away from time together, and they can be loud so it's hard to hold a conversation. Plus, like you said, it's easy to take start taking over a conversation if you've had a few drinks. Stopping for pizza may not have been the smoothest move but so be it. So, just live and learn from it.

 

2. If she gets back to you, then great. Set up a date at quieter place and go from there. If not, chalk it up to experience and move on. But, just avoid contacting her, keep going on dates and have fun with it.

[Kitchen]

Yes indeed, on LS, whenever a first date doesn't lead to the second, it is always because the more interested party screwed up beyond all hope. ALWAYS.

 

Friends, let's keep this in perspective here. People "make mistakes" on first dates far worse than this and it often ends up working out. She couldn't have hated OP too much because she went with him somewhere else (the hookah joint). THAT is the key detail here.

 

Yeah he was gone for a half-hour to move her car, as there was a walk in either direction involved and parking was tight. How is that even his fault? I am surprised Girl let OP move her car in the first place. And who doesn't like free pizza? It's not like that really kept him away from his date, it doesn't take 90 seconds to eat a slice when you are hungry!

 

(You're not entirely off the hook OP though. The showing her the fleck of pepper in your mouth was gross. And on a related note, going from one date to another is a horrible idea in general--there are a bunch of reasons why, but no one looks and smells their best after a couple of beers nevermind beers and pizza. (I have a pack of "Eat Anything" gelcaps in my car, you should invest in some too.) As she went with you to the hookah bar after though, it doesn't look like those things did you in, you were given an opportunity to recover. Just don't do them again.)

 

There is always room for improvement indeed. My gut feeling about this is though, that the chemistry just wasn't there for her, and still wouldn't have been there even if OP didn't make the mistakes he made.

 

 

Thanks; that was a well balanced, unbiased reply.

 

Nearly 100% of my frustration is a result of me making such obvious logistical and other mistakes. Simple rules such as: don't pick red pepper from teeth, don't do back to back dates, find a place that's not packed, don't show up with a buzz; should have been followed and I feel like an utter fool for not doing so. These are rookie mistakes and I don't know what got into me.

 

Ironically, the reason I scheduled back to back dates was because I see how fast paced the online dating world is and was paranoid I'd lose my opportunity with the one I push out by a week. Logistically it was the only day that worked for both, much to my misfortune.

 

Having said that, yes perhaps it really was the chemistry. After all, she also messed up by not making any eye contact. If she wasn't so beautiful, and of the same career and religion as me, I wouldn't have thought twice about the rejection.

 

It's times like these when I wish I believed in fate and destiny. True love would survive through the silliness of the date. Perhaps it's still meant to be; we will see what happens when I hit her up in a few weeks.

 

Another story for the cynical LS community:

 

A friend of mine, truth to be told, is not attractive. He messaged this beautiful woman on a dating site a few years ago. Never got a date, and I don't think it went past a few messages. A year later he decided to message again; said he's getting off the site and wanted to give it one more shot.

 

They were married a year and half later.

 

And believe me when I say this, he is maybe a 4/10 on the looks scale and she's a 9/10. And I should disclose they are also of the same community as me, and she is very selective upfront of the type of guy she wanted. This is the situation I hope I'm in lol.

[OnlyHonesty]

Guys, I appreciate the advice and REALLY appreciate the time you took reading. But I know myself and the situation. And this is one I'm not going to let go. Even if I end up as friends that's totally cool.

 

So - back to my 2 questions: 1) did I **** it up by being obnoxious? 2) any advice on how to pursue this a few weeks down the line?

 

 

Does the highlighted comment come from a place of intuition, reflection and wisdom, or does it come from a place of desperation, attachment and projection...

[Kitchen]

Does the highlighted comment come from a place of intuition, reflection and wisdom, or does it come from a place of desperation, attachment and projection...

 

I appreciate the pretentiousness.

 

It's the former.

 

It's also realizing I have nothing to lose. Aside from her apparently "joking with her friends for the rest of her life".

 

Seriously what's there to lose?

[KrimzonWolf]

I should tell you all a story. The last girl I dated, I met her at a bar for 30 seconds literally; got her number, she agreed to get dinner.

 

Next day I texted her to set up the date, she replied saying she's genuinely not looking for something. I replied saying no worries and let me know if you change ur mind. She never replied to this text.

 

Two days later I texted her inviting her to a group thing. She agreed, then the day of, she cancelled last minute! **

 

Two strikes.

 

We texted for a week, and she started responding more.

 

Finally got the date! And then 3 more after. We hooked up and everything. Unfortunately it didn't work, but had I posted this conundrum after the ** in my post, y'all would have laughed and told me I'm a moron.

 

So yep there is that.

 

Congratulations... Don't come to the internet asking questions expecting the answer you want.

[Kitchen]

Congratulations... Don't come to the internet asking questions expecting the answer you want.

 

The answer I wanted was:

 

A) did I **** up, yes or no?

 

B) WHEN I pursue, how should I do it?

 

Most people answered with something I didn't ask

[Miss Spider]

The answer I wanted was:

 

A) did I **** up, yes or no?

 

B) WHEN I pursue, how should I do it?

 

Most people answered with something I didn't ask

 

You did not ask that, kitchen! But we pretty much all agree you did mess up to some extent. And that the happens to the best of us. The consensus is you should not pursue, but you won't accept that answer. You have decided to do it anyway by asking her to the cultural event happening in a couple weeks.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Kitchen]

You did not ask that, kitchen! But we pretty much all agree you did mess up to some extent. And that the happens to the best of us. The consensus is you should not pursue, but you won't accept that answer. You have decided to do it anyway by asking her to the cultural event happening in a couple weeks.

 

lol I did ask that! Go to my OP!

 

I never asked whether or not I should pursue!

 

Yes I'll ask in a few weeks,promise to get back to you!

[coolheadal]

The answer I wanted was:

 

A) did I **** up, yes or no?

 

B) WHEN I pursue, how should I do it?

 

Most people answered with something I didn't ask

 

She already told her answer. You just want us to say yes or no, but come on its' clearly in her favor. She is doing whatever she please. We all have our experiences you never push a woman into anything it can backfire. Look how long you been at this. I am just going by what you said if you were to see someone in person they would tell you the same thing. Move on.

[allez102]

Thanks; that was a well balanced, unbiased reply.

 

Nearly 100% of my frustration is a result of me making such obvious logistical and other mistakes. Simple rules such as: don't pick red pepper from teeth, don't do back to back dates, find a place that's not packed, don't show up with a buzz; should have been followed and I feel like an utter fool for not doing so. These are rookie mistakes and I don't know what got into me.

 

Ironically, the reason I scheduled back to back dates was because I see how fast paced the online dating world is and was paranoid I'd lose my opportunity with the one I push out by a week. Logistically it was the only day that worked for both, much to my misfortune.

 

Having said that, yes perhaps it really was the chemistry. After all, she also messed up by not making any eye contact. If she wasn't so beautiful, and of the same career and religion as me, I wouldn't have thought twice about the rejection.

 

It's times like these when I wish I believed in fate and destiny. True love would survive through the silliness of the date. Perhaps it's still meant to be; we will see what happens when I hit her up in a few weeks.

 

Another story for the cynical LS community:

 

A friend of mine, truth to be told, is not attractive. He messaged this beautiful woman on a dating site a few years ago. Never got a date, and I don't think it went past a few messages. A year later he decided to message again; said he's getting off the site and wanted to give it one more shot.

 

They were married a year and half later.

 

And believe me when I say this, he is maybe a 4/10 on the looks scale and she's a 9/10. And I should disclose they are also of the same community as me, and she is very selective upfront of the type of guy she wanted. This is the situation I hope I'm in lol.

 

It has been so frustrating to read this thread. 'Unbiased response' - Suggesting that many of the other responses you've seen have been 'biased' or 'cynical' as you've also put it. What's happening is you're rejecting anything you don't want to hear. Yes I know you've asked how to pursue her, not if you should or not, but people on here don't want to see this crash and burn and feel you should just let this one go. Have a read of a concept called the 'Mental Crusher'.

 

A woman's perspective - she is not into you. At all.

 

Most importantly of all, STOP drinking and driving.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds to me like a date I would put down to experience for sure!

 

Turning up having already had a few beers and then going for more beers more than anything isn't a good sign for me.

In that kind of situation I would have just gone along with things - simply as that is the safest option.

Not knowing you I wouldn't know how you might react if you had been drinking.

 

It 'sort of' surprised me that she let you go off and re-park her car - but then if you insisted you do this then yep - I would have gone along with that too - again just for my own safety.

 

The fact she picked you up from where your car was parked she was kinda stuck with getting you back there.

 

You don't want to respect her wish to not go anywhere with this and you don't want to take anyone's advice it seems - this is why I'm thinking you insisted upon re-parking her car.

 

Sure, ask her to this event but in the meantime you need to learn to realise you don't always get what you want or get things your way.

If she declines then accept that graciously.

Bear in mind also that when you do contact her you will likely have to remind her who you are and possibly even remind her of the date as she likely won't be keeping hold of your contact details.

 

The fact that you are from the same community really has nothing to do with whether she would want to date you, moreso given the fact she has said she is not interested. She can make her own choice on that.

[basil67]

I think you see approaching her again as persistence. But most people in her situation would see it as a being obtuse. Or showing a lack of respect for their wishes. Either way, it will not reflect well on you.

 

And I would imagine that she doesn't want to be your friend either.

[basil67]

Only 5 days ago you wrote about fearing that you could not recover from the emotional trauma of a breakup. Now you're out dating and refusimg to respect a No Thanks from a woman who's not interested. Actually, it was two women on the one day.

 

This has to be the world's quickest recovery from despair. Or, if you are still damaged to the point you think you may not recover, then you have no business trying to date a new girl.

[act00]

Here's how I'm picturing things. My date shows up with alcohol on board, and he drove 45 minutes. We go to a busy bar where I'm left by myself for ages. I wouldn't have let him have keys to my car, but let's just say I did, and I'm left waiting for 45 minutes while he grabs something to eat, and then makes a display of it, and I'm kinda hungry.

 

This is one for the books. You will both have a tale to tell on bad dates.

 

Honestly, Kitchen, I'm a second chance kind of person, and I realize that the circumstances were not the best. The parking situation on it's own was a bit of a nightmare, and neither of you seemed to know the area well enough to know what to do and the best plan of action. For that, I wouldn't hold it against my date, as we are both floundering. Now if SHE knew the area, I would expect her to have given you direction and dictated a plan of action, so she loses points on that.

 

She states she's "not ready to date," so why in the world is she on a dating site?? Yes, she could have put herself out there only to realize it was a bad idea, but this could be her gentle way of saying, "I'm not into you."

 

You had an unfortunate set of circumstances. She has indicated she's not entirely interested. You get one more, ONE, communication to see if there's a second chance. If she does not respond or tells you she's "not ready," drop it, end it, and let her go.

 

Don't over-extend yourself like this ever again. One thing that is a turnoff for me is when someone plans a date that gets sandwiched between "other things to do." Do you think your first date might have gone better if you didn't have a second date planned with a 45 minute drive looming and another obligation in an area unfamiliar to you?

[Kitchen]

Here's how I'm picturing things. My date shows up with alcohol on board, and he drove 45 minutes. We go to a busy bar where I'm left by myself for ages. I wouldn't have let him have keys to my car, but let's just say I did, and I'm left waiting for 45 minutes while he grabs something to eat, and then makes a display of it, and I'm kinda hungry.

 

This is one for the books. You will both have a tale to tell on bad dates.

 

Honestly, Kitchen, I'm a second chance kind of person, and I realize that the circumstances were not the best. The parking situation on it's own was a bit of a nightmare, and neither of you seemed to know the area well enough to know what to do and the best plan of action. For that, I wouldn't hold it against my date, as we are both floundering. Now if SHE knew the area, I would expect her to have given you direction and dictated a plan of action, so she loses points on that.

 

She states she's "not ready to date," so why in the world is she on a dating site?? Yes, she could have put herself out there only to realize it was a bad idea, but this could be her gentle way of saying, "I'm not into you."

 

You had an unfortunate set of circumstances. She has indicated she's not entirely interested. You get one more, ONE, communication to see if there's a second chance. If she does not respond or tells you she's "not ready," drop it, end it, and let her go.

 

Don't over-extend yourself like this ever again. One thing that is a turnoff for me is when someone plans a date that gets sandwiched between "other things to do." Do you think your first date might have gone better if you didn't have a second date planned with a 45 minute drive looming and another obligation in an area unfamiliar to you?

 

I know, the circumstances sucked didn't they

 

Actually I knew the area VERY well. Unfortunately it is never packed, except for that day! For those of you in NYC area, last Tuesday. It was the first really warm day of the year. People came out in droves. Perhaps I should have just said let's get into the car and drive elsewhere, but I think the alcohol I had impaired that judgment.

 

Life is so cruel. It was the perfect storm of bad circumstances.

[smackie9]

OK here's my answer, yes you messed up because you were in a crappy mindset, and no you didn't mess up because things were out of your control like how busy it was, and the parking situation. BUT, if she really liked you none of that would have mattered.

 

It was a crappy date uncomfortable date and yes it might have been the contributing factor to her final decision to not give you another chance, but like I said if there was an inkling of her being attracted to you enough she would have given you a second date to make up for it.

 

If you feel you have to ask her out again then go for it. We are just warning you that your chances are slim to none. First impressions count.

 

Looking back when I was dating, first impressions did count, and no was the answer given to them when they asked me out again.

[Kitchen]

Sounds to me like a date I would put down to experience for sure!

 

Turning up having already had a few beers and then going for more beers more than anything isn't a good sign for me.

In that kind of situation I would have just gone along with things - simply as that is the safest option.

Not knowing you I wouldn't know how you might react if you had been drinking.

 

It 'sort of' surprised me that she let you go off and re-park her car - but then if you insisted you do this then yep - I would have gone along with that too - again just for my own safety.

 

The fact she picked you up from where your car was parked she was kinda stuck with getting you back there.

 

You don't want to respect her wish to not go anywhere with this and you don't want to take anyone's advice it seems - this is why I'm thinking you insisted upon re-parking her car.

 

Yes, that's how manipulative I am right? Move her car so she can't get to it, forcing her to stick with me all night! You've figured me out, I'm an evil genius!

 

Never mind the fact that she got in her car after (I got in mine), and we both drove to a separate location to extend the date! Just ignore that small fact! Let's focus on me moving her car from the 1 hour max parking spot so that I can hide it from her.

[Kitchen]

Only 5 days ago you wrote about fearing that you could not recover from the emotional trauma of a breakup. Now you're out dating and refusimg to respect a No Thanks from a woman who's not interested. Actually, it was two women on the one day.

 

This has to be the world's quickest recovery from despair. Or, if you are still damaged to the point you think you may not recover, then you have no business trying to date a new girl.

 

Separate topic but I believe in getting under someone to get over someone else. Not that I rebound. This was my 5th first date since that last girl, and the only one I liked.

[smackie9]

Separate topic but I believe in getting under someone to get over someone else. Not that I rebound. This was my 5th first date since that last girl, and the only one I liked.

You should never limit yourself to one.....if you have 1 out of 6 odds, your chances of meeting someone you like even more are pretty good....way better than anyone that has posted on LS.

[Kitchen]

You should never limit yourself to one.....if you have 1 out of 6 odds, your chances of meeting someone you like even more are pretty good....way better than anyone that has posted on LS.

 

Absolutely. There's actually research on this topic: those who move on faster from heartbreak (to a new relationship) tend to be happier and more confident.

 

We shall see. Let's see who I'm dating or hung up over in a month.

[act00]

Does anyone else find it odd that this woman would give her car keys up to a virtual stranger to move the car while she hangs back like a damsel in distress? Apparently they chose the 1-hour parking together, and I would think that they would call the bar and drinks a bust together, move the car to another location together, and find something else to do together, while laughing about what a stupid idea it was to choose 1-hour parking, and they should have known better than that on a Friday night with good weather; it would be packed to the gills.

 

The OP certainly made some mistakes, but this girl sat at the bar with a drink while giving up her keys to some dude she met for the first time in order for him to solve her parking problem, and she hung back and enjoyed her cocktail.

 

I'm bouncing on two sides of the fence on this date. I'm really not all that impressed with the woman's behavior either.

 

It is still tale-telling worthy.

[CptInsano]

Does anyone else find it odd that this woman would give her car keys up to a virtual stranger to move the car while she hangs back like a damsel in distress? [...]

 

Actually, no. It's an odd dynamic, but women seem to trust the person they are with. A woman may complain about being unable to trust the men she met, then she hands you purse, car keys and her phone while she is going to the bathroom. This happened to me so many times.

 

I once went hiking in the desert for a week with a woman who met me the night before and knew me for about 30 minutes.

 

As much as people distrust each other online, trust seems to build quickly IRL.