Enormously Frustrated, think I ruined the first date

[Kitchen]

So I've been recovering from a mini heartbreak. Decided to throw myself into the dating pool head first. Went on 5 first dates in the last couple of weeks. Usually I'm very good at first dates, but I think my confidence is shaken due to the above mentioned recent event. Nonetheless, out of the 5 of them, I really liked only 1, the one I think I totally blew it with.

 

This past Tuesday I had 2 dates scheduled back to back (really idiotic idea). The one I'm frustrated with was the second one. The first one was an early-mid afternoon drinks meet, and the second one was for the evening. The first one didn't go that well, mainly because the girl came off uptight and materialistic. However, we did hold hands and I went for the kiss which she declined. This whole thing resulted in me being annoyed and further hurt my confidence.

 

On to the next one, which was a 45 minute drive from the first location. So I showed up and met the other girl. To start with, contrary to almost every other person out there, she looked BETTER than her online dating pictures, which tripped me up! On top of that I was pissed from the previous date, and then lastly I've been sad due to my recent breakup.

 

So we went to the bar, which was unfortunately packed, just like every other bar on the street. So it took me 15 minutes to order drinks at the bar while she waited on a table for us. Finally got the drinks and we conversed. It went decent, although she was bad at making eye contact and was a bit quiet.

 

Generally I'm an extrovert but also a good listener, that's what makes me good at dates. But because I was tripped up because of the 3 reasons I listed above, I became extremely talkative. It probably didn't help that I was a few beers in from the first date. And the fact that she was fairly quiet made it worse.

 

At one point her car needed to be moved since it was a 1 hour limit at the spot where she was at. So I being the man offered to go move it. I took it as a good sign that she trusted me with her car the first time she met me. Given it was so packed, I was gone for a half an hour when trying to find a spot. Someone was offering 1 free pizza slice on the street and I took it, ate it while I moved her car.

 

So finally half an hour later I get back to the bar. We finish our drinks. I explain to her the pizza incident. And (and this is cringeworthy), I happened to have a flake of red pepper stuck in my teeth at that very second, which I pulled out with my finger and showed her as "proof" of the pizza thing. I know, just shoot me now. But we were drinking and I was being silly. Way too silly. I paid for the drinks.

 

So next we decide to get food. As we walked to the restaurant I tried to brush my hand against hers in an attempt to hold hands. Unfortunately she pulled away. So we went to the restaurant, got food (no drinks), and she actually paid, and was insistent on it.

 

After this, we went back to her car and she agreed to go out for hookah. So we both drove in our cars separately and we went to the hookah place. And hung out there for half an hour. It was during this conversation that she agreed to a Friday date (but halfheartedly, so I knew something was up). I paid for the hookah.

 

Overall the date lasted like 4 hours.

 

Anyway next morning I called her to coordinate the Friday date. She texted me back saying she's in the train, but what's up? So I said no worries, just call me when free. So I guess when she got out of work later in the day she sent me a text saying how she had a lot of fun but she's not ready for anything yet. So I basically told her no worries, and let me know if she changes her mind, and good luck on her upcoming exam. She said thanks and appreciate it.

 

Recognizing my obnoxious behavior, the next morning I texted her basically saying "listen, I had an awful day Tuesday, and therefore it was an off night for me; however I found you interesting, and was wondering if you can give me a second chance - brunch tomorrow" (the brunch is what she had half heartedly agreed on). She replied in an hour saying she appreciates that I reached out and she's sorry I had a bad day, but it really wasn't me at all, and that she's simply not ready to date. I replied saying "fair enough, if/when ur ready feel free to reach out".

 

So, first question - I really f**ked it up, didn't I? Or is it possible at all that she is genuinely not interested in dating? This was the first date she went on since the end of her last relationship (which I think ended in December). I'm okay with the idea of her rejecting me for her own reasons, I just can't stand the fact that I may have shot myself in the foot, really kills me! You'll see why it kills me below. I am definitely going to reach out to her again (will explain below why), so I just need some guidance as to when/how to do it. Anyone ever got rejected for a 2nd date but then ended up getting one in the future?

 

As far as why I don't want to give this one up, and why I take this one so seriously: We are of the same religion and culture (my religion is a small one, there aren't many of us, in the U.S.). We both have the same career - doctors, and she wants to be with a doctor. Culturally and career wise, we fit.

 

She's also not fully American. She was raised in India for like the first decade of her life, and then went back there for college/med, and just recently came back a few months ago. So, her idea of dating I think may be different than ours. And I think I may have come off really aggressive by going for the hand hold, even though it's not a big deal for Americans.

 

So I'm thinking of waiting for like 2-3 weeks, and then inviting her out for either a group thing or a cultural/religious meetup that occur from time to time in our community. I think I should take a friends approach with this one, given her rather conservative values, and hope that from there I can at least have one foot in the door.

 

Thoughts?

Edited April 14, 2017 by Kitchen

[SunnyWeather]

I'd let it go, if I were you.

 

Also, it's quite a red flag that she let you move her car after just having met you, a virtual stranger.

 

And driving whilst drinking is so so very wrong

[harrybrown]

leave her alone.

 

move on.

[smackie9]

Dude when they say "not ready to date" it's code for not interested in dating you.

[clia]

Honestly, the fact that she chose to park at a meter with a 1 hour time limit for your date indicates to me that she wasn't very interested to begin with. Then you show up slightly drunk, leave her sitting at a table for 15 minutes while you get drinks, leave her for 30 minutes while you move her car....eh.

 

Just move on. She's not interested.

[Kitchen]

Guys, I appreciate the advice and REALLY appreciate the time you took reading. But I know myself and the situation. And this is one I'm not going to let go. Even if I end up as friends that's totally cool.

 

So - back to my 2 questions: 1) did I **** it up by being obnoxious? 2) any advice on how to pursue this a few weeks down the line?

[Kitchen]

Honestly, the fact that she chose to park at a meter with a 1 hour time limit for your date indicates to me that she wasn't very interested to begin with. Then you show up slightly drunk, leave her sitting at a table for 15 minutes while you get drinks, leave her for 30 minutes while you move her car....eh.

 

Just move on. She's not interested.

 

She chose to park there.....because those are the only spots available. She isn't even familiar with the area. I was in her car when we parked and I told her to park there (she picked me up from my parking lot). So, yea, this had nothing to do with it. And this point is moot given we hung out for 4 hours.

 

As far as making her wait 15 while I ordered drinks, and 30 while moving car. Yea, it f**king sucks. But unfortunately it was totally packed and there was no space anywhere for people or for cars!

[coolheadal]

So I've been recovering from a mini heartbreak. Decided to throw myself into the dating pool head first. Went on 5 first dates in the last couple of weeks. Usually I'm very good at first dates, but I think my confidence is shaken due to the above mentioned recent event. Nonetheless, out of the 5 of them, I really liked only 1, the one I think I totally blew it with.

 

This past Tuesday I had 2 dates scheduled back to back (really idiotic idea). The one I'm frustrated with was the second one. The first one was an early-mid afternoon drinks meet, and the second one was for the evening. The first one didn't go that well, mainly because the girl came off uptight and materialistic. However, we did hold hands and I went for the kiss which she declined. This whole thing resulted in me being annoyed and further hurt my confidence.

 

On to the next one, which was a 45 minute drive from the first location. So I showed up and met the other girl. To start with, contrary to almost every other person out there, she looked BETTER than her online dating pictures, which tripped me up! On top of that I was pissed from the previous date, and then lastly I've been sad due to my recent breakup.

 

So we went to the bar, which was unfortunately packed, just like every other bar on the street. So it took me 15 minutes to order drinks at the bar while she waited on a table for us. Finally got the drinks and we conversed. It went decent, although she was bad at making eye contact and was a bit quiet.

 

Generally I'm an extrovert but also a good listener, that's what makes me good at dates. But because I was tripped up because of the 3 reasons I listed above, I became extremely talkative. It probably didn't help that I was a few beers in from the first date. And the fact that she was fairly quiet made it worse.

 

At one point her car needed to be moved since it was a 1 hour limit at the spot where she was at. So I being the man offered to go move it. I took it as a good sign that she trusted me with her car the first time she met me. Given it was so packed, I was gone for a half an hour when trying to find a spot. Someone was offering 1 free pizza slice on the street and I took it, ate it while I moved her car.

 

So finally half an hour later I get back to the bar. We finish our drinks. I explain to her the pizza incident. And (and this is cringeworthy), I happened to have a flake of red pepper stuck in my teeth at that very second, which I pulled out with my finger and showed her as "proof" of the pizza thing. I know, just shoot me now. But we were drinking and I was being silly. Way too silly. I paid for the drinks.

 

So next we decide to get food. As we walked to the restaurant I tried to brush my hand against hers in an attempt to hold hands. Unfortunately she pulled away. So we went to the restaurant, got food (no drinks), and she actually paid, and was insistent on it.

 

After this, we went back to her car and she agreed to go out for hookah. So we both drove in our cars separately and we went to the hookah place. And hung out there for half an hour. It was during this conversation that she agreed to a Friday date (but halfheartedly, so I knew something was up). I paid for the hookah.

 

Overall the date lasted like 4 hours.

 

Anyway next morning I called her to coordinate the Friday date. She texted me back saying she's in the train, but what's up? So I said no worries, just call me when free. So I guess when she got out of work later in the day she sent me a text saying how she had a lot of fun but she's not ready for anything yet. So I basically told her no worries, and let me know if she changes her mind, and good luck on her upcoming exam. She said thanks and appreciate it.

 

Recognizing my obnoxious behavior, the next morning I texted her basically saying "listen, I had an awful day Tuesday, and therefore it was an off night for me; however I found you interesting, and was wondering if you can give me a second chance - brunch tomorrow" (the brunch is what she had half heartedly agreed on). She replied in an hour saying she appreciates that I reached out and she's sorry I had a bad day, but it really wasn't me at all, and that she's simply not ready to date. I replied saying "fair enough, if/when ur ready feel free to reach out".

 

So, first question - I really f**ked it up, didn't I? Or is it possible at all that she is genuinely not interested in dating? This was the first date she went on since the end of her last relationship (which I think ended in December). I'm okay with the idea of her rejecting me for her own reasons, I just can't stand the fact that I may have shot myself in the foot, really kills me! You'll see why it kills me below. I am definitely going to reach out to her again (will explain below why), so I just need some guidance as to when/how to do it. Anyone ever got rejected for a 2nd date but then ended up getting one in the future?

 

As far as why I don't want to give this one up, and why I take this one so seriously: We are of the same religion and culture (my religion is a small one, there aren't many of us, in the U.S.). We both have the same career - doctors, and she wants to be with a doctor. Culturally and career wise, we fit.

 

She's also not fully American. She was raised in India for like the first decade of her life, and then went back there for college/med, and just recently came back a few months ago. So, her idea of dating I think may be different than ours. And I think I may have come off really aggressive by going for the hand hold, even though it's not a big deal for Americans.

 

So I'm thinking of waiting for like 2-3 weeks, and then inviting her out for either a group thing or a cultural/religious meetup that occur from time to time in our community. I think I should take a friends approach with this one, given her rather conservative values, and hope that from there I can at least have one foot in the door.

 

Thoughts?

 

Rule of thumb, listen to her she told you this:

she sent me a text saying how she had a lot of fun but she's not ready for anything yet.

 

When she said that to you she not into you at all. That's another way of saying that not to hurt your feelings. You need to drop her and move on. Do not be in denial. She's not worth your time and effort.

[Kitchen]

 

Also, it's quite a red flag that she let you move her car after just having met you, a virtual stranger.

 

 

Ha why red flag? I mean, isn't that a good sign if anything?

[CptInsano]

You messed up, and there is no second first impression. Move on, relax, and show a little more focus the next time.

[coolheadal]

She chose to park there.....because those are the only spots available. She isn't even familiar with the area. I was in her car when we parked and I told her to park there (she picked me up from my parking lot). So, yea, this had nothing to do with it. And this point is moot given we hung out for 4 hours.

 

As far as making her wait 15 while I ordered drinks, and 30 while moving car. Yea, it f**king sucks. But unfortunately it was totally packed and there was no space anywhere for people or for cars!

 

You need to stop what your dong.. Don't get used.. Move on!

[Titanll]

Dude when they say "not ready to date" it's code for not interested in dating you.

 

Abort that friggin mission asap!

[Kitchen]

Lol; alright, let's see. I'll get back to you all in a month. I'm going to give it a shot to invite for a group thing, and see what happens.

 

Even if it's a 5% chance it works, it's worth it. If she ignores, then I'll move on.

[Purepony]

You probably think you can change her mind but I don't think you blew it yourself I just don't think she's into you enough to pursue something

 

Move on !

 

She already told you twice ! Back off before you make yourself look worse and then become a joke among her and her friends

[Kitchen]

I should tell you all a story. The last girl I dated, I met her at a bar for 30 seconds literally; got her number, she agreed to get dinner.

 

Next day I texted her to set up the date, she replied saying she's genuinely not looking for something. I replied saying no worries and let me know if you change ur mind. She never replied to this text.

 

Two days later I texted her inviting her to a group thing. She agreed, then the day of, she cancelled last minute! **

 

Two strikes.

 

We texted for a week, and she started responding more.

 

Finally got the date! And then 3 more after. We hooked up and everything. Unfortunately it didn't work, but had I posted this conundrum after the ** in my post, y'all would have laughed and told me I'm a moron.

 

So yep there is that.

[SunnyWeather]

Ha why red flag? I mean, isn't that a good sign if anything?

 

bad judgement and lack of boundaries, to put it mildly

[selinaluv]

I should tell you all a story. The last girl I dated, I met her at a bar for 30 seconds literally; got her number, she agreed to get dinner.

 

Next day I texted her to set up the date, she replied saying she's genuinely not looking for something. I replied saying no worries and let me know if you change ur mind. She never replied to this text.

 

Two days later I texted her inviting her to a group thing. She agreed, then the day of, she cancelled last minute! **

 

Two strikes.

 

We texted for a week, and she started responding more.

 

Finally got the date! And then 3 more after. We hooked up and everything. Unfortunately it didn't work, but had I posted this conundrum after the ** in my post, y'all would have laughed and told me I'm a moron.

 

So yep there is that.

 

I think the difference in this case is that you did go on a date with this girl and she told you she does not want to move forward after the case. It may or may not have been how you acted on the date, but regardless she gave you a shot and made her decision.

[Tressugar]

Honestly...

 

She said exactly the same thing I said to my friend who professed his love for me. And you're doing the same thing my friend is doing to me. Respect ppl in what they're saying to you. Allow her to reach out to you.

[Bejangled]

Hi Kitchen

 

Did you f___k it up? Answer?...big time yes.

 

Honestly, if a guy did all the stuff you mentioned on a first date I wouldn't have been half as polite as this lady is being. From what you've explained you sounded like an obnoxious, tiresome, bore that night. Drunk? Sloppy? Not one bit slick? Disappearing to eat pizza on the street? That night sounds like one of those stories she'll tell her friends for years to come as (a) a warning and (b) an example of 'oh! you think your date was bad, well, I remember this one time etc....'

 

Also, again being honest here, in your 2nd comment where you said 'I know myself...I'm not letting this go'. Well, that just made me shudder. Let her go. Leave her alone. Are you really interested in her? Or do you just want to try again to make yourself feel good after being such a bore.

 

Look, sorry if it sounds harsh. You could very well be a really nice, likeable guy...but right now, you're just coming across as a guy who put minus effort into the date and then won't take the hint when she ever so politely suggests that you get lost.

 

Leave it. Seriously. No really......anymore follow-through and you'll start sounding like a pest.

[coolheadal]

I should tell you all a story. The last girl I dated, I met her at a bar for 30 seconds literally; got her number, she agreed to get dinner.

 

Next day I texted her to set up the date, she replied saying she's genuinely not looking for something. I replied saying no worries and let me know if you change ur mind. She never replied to this text.

 

Two days later I texted her inviting her to a group thing. She agreed, then the day of, she cancelled last minute! **

 

Two strikes.

 

We texted for a week, and she started responding more.

 

Finally got the date! And then 3 more after. We hooked up and everything. Unfortunately it didn't work, but had I posted this conundrum after the ** in my post, y'all would have laughed and told me I'm a moron.

 

So yep there is that.

 

Well I got to hand to you, your very persistent like me but when they tell you something your not listening. Denial!

[Gemma1]

It's totally different than your previous experience for the reason someone else already pointed out. Your previous ex was initially rejecting you because she didn't know you and was reluctant to take the time to get to know you. This girl has already met you and spent 4 hours with you and is simply rejecting you, not the work of getting to know you.

 

You can message her all you want but that puts you into the creepy stalkerish category and she'll have even more to tell her friends.

[Kitchen]

It's totally different than your previous experience for the reason someone else already pointed out. Your previous ex was initially rejecting you because she didn't know you and was reluctant to take the time to get to know you. This girl has already met you and spent 4 hours with you and is simply rejecting you, not the work of getting to know you.

 

You can message her all you want but that puts you into the creepy stalkerish category and she'll have even more to tell her friends.

 

No, don't want to be a creepy stalker.

 

I think people don't get how much influence being from the same community has. It's different than your run of the mill single person. A girl like her wouldn't date 95% of the men her age out there, simply for cultural reasons.

 

We're part of the same community and I don't think inviting her ONCE to a event will make me a stalker. Sure, if she ignores then I realize it's a done deal. But I think people need to recognize context here.

 

I agree, my previous experience was different, but regardless, had I posted that, I would have had the same exact response from everyone: "move on", "don't be a stalker".

[kidm]

No, don't want to be a creepy stalker.

 

I think people don't get how much influence being from the same community has. It's different than your run of the mill single person. A girl like her wouldn't date 95% of the men her age out there, simply for cultural reasons.

 

We're part of the same community and I don't think inviting her ONCE to a event will make me a stalker. Sure, if she ignores then I realize it's a done deal. But I think people need to recognize context here.

 

I agree, my previous experience was different, but regardless, had I posted that, I would have had the same exact response from everyone: "move on", "don't be a stalker".

 

You're projecting. How do you know who she will or will not date? So let's assume her dating pool is in fact very small, doesn't it speak volumes that she has still decided she does not want to get to know you?

 

You're going to ask her out irrespective of what anyone says here but it seems bleak from what you have described. Who knows though, you make get her to the community event and make a better impression and win her over. Good luck.

[Miss Spider]

She's not ready to date...but she's on a dating app/site. And she just went on a date with you. Mhm. Chalk this one up as a loss

[Kitchen]

She's not ready to date...but she's on a dating app/site. And she just went on a date with you. Mhm. Chalk this one up as a loss

 

It's her first date after a breakup. And I didn't leave the best impression.