How important are gifts and gestures of love?

[SunnyWeather]

Would you be OK if your significant other rarely- to put it mildly- brought you gifts, flowers or made other types of displays of affection, and seldom, if ever, takes you out on a date?

 

I’m grappling with this because our 1 year anniversary was just last week, and nothing came out of it, not even sweet words of appreciation and devotion (something he is actually quite adept at). I did get him a small gift and a card to which he was politely thankful, but critical of.

 

Granted, there was a major crisis we had to endure during the weekend of our anniversary (of which I'm still managing emotionally) and he said he wanted to take me to dinner, I just needed to pick the place. In my mind, I felt like it was something I had to work for and wanted nothing to do with that, that it just showed laziness and excuses on his part. A card, a flower, anything! would have sufficed.

 

The same with the Christmas “present” of an Amazon gift card that came weeks later after me telling him how upset I was that he ignored my cultural holiday. (he’s from a culture that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but has lived long enough in Western countries to know the game. heck, people in his family celebrate Christmas so he’s fully up-to-date on that.) I got him something small but thoughtful that he uses nearly every day.

 

I’ve told him how these events, whether birthdays, Christmases or anniversaries are important to at least acknowledge in some way his feelings for me, even if it’s just cooking dinner just once for me, but to no avail. He has brought me flowers two times in the year we've been together. He's taken me out on one date, maybe two in the same time.

 

I don’t know what to do at this point.

 

One year is an important marker, imo, for a couple. I really needed him to show me how he feels. During the crisis I previously mentioned, he was a real trooper, was really there for me 100%, as it was quite traumatic, but our anniversary still should've been acknowledged by him, even if it was a day or two after the crisis event started to subside.

 

I’ve narrowed down possible reasons as to why his behavior is thus:

 

1. He still is processing the trauma of losing his first wife in an accident nearly 5 years ago and these gestures are too painful for him.

 

2. It’s a difference of our two cultures where the man expects to receive and gives very little in return.

 

3. He’s too cheap and/or lazy

 

4. He’s just not really that into me.

 

Maybe I'm being spoiled. I don't know, that's why I'm here to gauge my perspective. I should also qualify this by saying he is pretty great in many other ways, and I’m still crazy in love with him. Our life together is pretty harmonious and happy. We’ve been living together for over 4 months now and there is more laughter than not. However, for him to not be doing these simple gestures--after me talking quite plainly about it a couple of times now-- really is sending up flares of concern, not to mention feeling insecure about just where this relationship is heading. Oh, and I did broach that subject a week or two before the anniversary and was met with a very non committal response.

 

I’m vastly coming to the conclusion that I either learn to live with it and appreciate the other wonderful things about our relationship or move on, as much as I would rather not. I've read other stories about spouses who've lived decades like this and I don't want to be one of those people.

 

Please share your insights and experiences into this as I’m confused as to how to proceed.

 

thanks in advance

[Bejangled]

Hi SunnyWeather

 

Don't panic just yet. All's not quite lost here But I have one simple question...

 

Do you explain to him, without drama or high-tension, that such gestures are extremely important to you as a means of acknowledging the events and celebrations that you care about in your life?

 

Does he know this clearly?......clearly.

 

If it's an unhesitating yes! then go further with the explanation. Tell him all the reasons why they're important. You do know why they're important to you, right? Tell him it's part of your sharing dynamic in the relationship. Explain that it's a subtle communication of the love you share.

 

Also, don't be embarrassed to say that many women like this kind of stuff. It really does appeal to most of us because we naturally communicate our feelings in more dynamic ways than what comes naturally to many men. He needs to clearly....I'll say it again....clearly!....understand. I'm emphasizing the word clearly not to belittle men in general, but because many men haven't learned how important trivial (at least trivial in their eyes) stuff like this can mean.

 

If this isn't already clear to him. Then start letting him now. Of course you can do this in a fun and light-hearted way without it becomming a heavy weight between you both.

 

Speak your mind, say what you need and give him the space to deliver.

 

I wish you luck!

[aileD]

Have you heard of the five love languages? Have you ever taken the test to see what your love language is? Or his?

 

Maybe he doesn't value those this as proof of love as much as you do. Does he have other ways he shows you love?

[SunnyWeather]

Hi SunnyWeather

 

Don't panic just yet. All's not quite lost here But I have one simple question...

 

Do you explain to him, without drama or high-tension, that such gestures are extremely important to you as a means of acknowledging the events and celebrations that you care about in your life?

 

Does he know this clearly?......clearly.

 

If it's an unhesitating yes! then go further with the explanation. Tell him all the reasons why they're important. You do know why they're important to you, right? Tell him it's part of your sharing dynamic in the relationship. Explain that it's a subtle communication of the love you share.

 

Also, don't be embarrassed to say that many women like this kind of stuff. It really does appeal to most of us because we naturally communicate our feelings in more dynamic ways than what comes naturally to many men. He needs to clearly....I'll say it again....clearly!....understand. I'm emphasizing the word clearly not to belittle men in general, but because many men haven't learned how important trivial (at least trivial in their eyes) stuff like this can mean.

 

If this isn't already clear to him. Then start letting him now. Of course you can do this in a fun and light-hearted way without it becomming a heavy weight between you both.

 

Speak your mind, say what you need and give him the space to deliver.

 

I wish you luck!

 

what a sweet and thoughtful post! thank you.

 

I believe I have done these things, though maybe a little too heavy-handedly in the past. It's pretty clear on how I feel about this. The last couple of days I've had a sour face in the morning and when he returns home from work. I know this only makes things worse. we're sort of at a stand off now. He's stubborn and if pushed, will retreat. Anytime I've broached the subject he always ALWAYS has excuses. The last time this subject was discussed he took out a pen and paper to write down the specifics and he STILL didn't do anything for the anniversary.

 

I feel I have given him "space to deliver", as you say. And, here I am

[SunnyWeather]

Have you heard of the five love languages? Have you ever taken the test to see what your love language is? Or his?

 

Maybe he doesn't value those this as proof of love as much as you do. Does he have other ways he shows you love?

 

Hi ailD, yes I'm aware of these. In the beginning of the relationship we did this together. Interestingly, our criteria matched exactly--then.

 

But, I was operating from the position of the basic (Western) set of ideas as far as gift-giving/gestures was concerned. I don't need extravagant displays or massively expensive gifts (though I wouldn't complain too terribly ), just basic ones, and he, sadly, does not or will not participate.

 

If we were to itemize the languages again, my answers would be different and I would probably put the gift-giving aspect much higher on the scale.

 

Yes, he does show his love and affection in other ways, like fixing things around the house and being affectionate, which I absolutely adore.

Edited April 14, 2017 by SunnyWeather

[Bejangled]

Ok SunnyWeather

 

Don't panic about this either....it's still not lost

 

You guys are only living together for 4 months. There's a huuuuuuuuuuuuge amount of stuff that you both still have to learn from each other. You know, if you snapped your fingers right now and fixed this issue...yep! you guessed...there'd be another one just ripe to pop up to the surface. That's totally normal. Seriously, it is.

 

The trick here is to remind yourself that you're both still discovering how to deeply share your worlds and weave them together in a way that makes you both happy. Here's the bit you probably didn't want me to say....this stuff takes time, dedication and seriously great communication.

 

When I met my husband, he was also like this at the start. Why? Because no previous woman had the guts or the self-esteem to show him why this stuff is important. They all just huffed and scowled when he didn't get it right...which actually made him dig his heels in more. He actually formed the idea that it's 'good' for women not to cave into these trivialities because they should be stronger and not so princess-y....yeah...that came to an end, but to be fair, it took us both a while to get clued into to the truth...that's it was all about OUR love and not about me wanting random stuff.

 

I will say. The looks and moods (which I definitely do understand) are doing you absolutely no favours with this situation. You may be actually forcing him to hate the idea of it all. Honestly, it really is time to get clear. Speak about these things without any negativity creeping through at a relaxed time.

 

Then, you could (if you like) try what I did....at every special occasion where i needed this stuff, I bought the biggest and best stuff for myself and him. it took a while, but he learned to enjoy it and saw how important these mini celebrations were. He began to look forward to them.....then.....he began to out-do me with the surprises and celebrations. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't about big spending, but one year he made me dinner and sat me down and read me a letter of love he'd written for me. This almost slayed me. He made good out of that evening for a couple of months after...if you get what I'm saying

 

Look. Don't sweat this. Speak to your man this evening. No heavy talk, just catch up and make up. I wish you luck!

[d0nnivain]

I need some gestures. My husband wasn't very good at them when we first got married but over the years he has improved tremendously, to the point that now it's an embarrassment of riches. If he's willing to work with you, it's fixable. If he doesn't acknowledge your concerns, well that may be a problem.

[SunnyWeather]

Ok SunnyWeather

 

Don't panic about this either....it's still not lost

 

You guys are only living together for 4 months. There's a huuuuuuuuuuuuge amount of stuff that you both still have to learn from each other. You know, if you snapped your fingers right now and fixed this issue...yep! you guessed...there'd be another one just ripe to pop up to the surface. That's totally normal. Seriously, it is.

 

The trick here is to remind yourself that you're both still discovering how to deeply share your worlds and weave them together in a way that makes you both happy. Here's the bit you probably didn't want me to say....this stuff takes time, dedication and seriously great communication.

 

When I met my husband, he was also like this at the start. Why? Because no previous woman had the guts or the self-esteem to show him why this stuff is important. They all just huffed and scowled when he didn't get it right...which actually made him dig his heels in more. He actually formed the idea that it's 'good' for women not to cave into these trivialities because they should be stronger and not so princess-y....yeah...that came to an end, but to be fair, it took us both a while to get clued into to the truth...that's it was all about OUR love and not about me wanting random stuff.

 

I will say. The looks and moods (which I definitely do understand) are doing you absolutely no favours with this situation. You may be actually forcing him to hate the idea of it all. Honestly, it really is time to get clear. Speak about these things without any negativity creeping through at a relaxed time.

 

Then, you could (if you like) try what I did....at every special occasion where i needed this stuff, I bought the biggest and best stuff for myself and him. it took a while, but he learned to enjoy it and saw how important these mini celebrations were. He began to look forward to them.....then.....he began to out-do me with the surprises and celebrations. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't about big spending, but one year he made me dinner and sat me down and read me a letter of love he'd written for me. This almost slayed me. He made good out of that evening for a couple of months after...if you get what I'm saying

 

Look. Don't sweat this. Speak to your man this evening. No heavy talk, just catch up and make up. I wish you luck!

 

what a jewel! thank you for your refreshing perspective. I expected most here to circle the wagons and chant DUMP HIM!

 

I'd also like to validate how during this getting-to-know-you phase we've had other types of discussions that ended in the most deliciously fun-filled ways. I guess I'm feeling stuck on this one because it's a sore spot for me.

 

I'm also going to seriously consider your approach in the incident you shared, it's certainly creative!

 

thanks again, cheers

[Mr. Lucky]

One year is an important marker, imo, for a couple.

 

We’ve been living together for over 4 months now and there is more laughter than not.

 

I'm confused, what "one-year" anniversary were you expecting him to acknowledge?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunnyWeather]

I'm confused, what "one-year" anniversary were you expecting him to acknowledge?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

1st date. We've been together since, and that was the date we decided to be acknowledged as our anniversary date.

[ja123]

Google the 5 Love Languages and determine what yours is and what his is ... this could be a matter of miscommunication.

[reeseyummy]

Gestures are rather more important than gifts. It's all about the effort he puts in.

I had a LDR relationship before, and just once I mentioned I wanted a stuffed raccoon. The raccoon was like USD 25 or something, but my then bf when out his way and ordered on amazon for me, the shipping cost was like USD 80 haha.

 

It wasn't the most romantic gift(amazon... he could have bought it and wrote a card and shipped it) but I liked the gesture. And to be frank, the bf just wouldn't think of doing it my way. Ha.

[Mr. Lucky]

1st date. We've been together since, and that was the date we decided to be acknowledged as our anniversary date.

 

Boy, I've been with my wife for 30+ years, she's the best thing that ever happened to me - and I have no idea what the date might be. TBH, it's simply not an important "anniversary" for most guys, especially one as gift-challenged as yours. Be happy if he correctly remembers your birthday and (eventual) wedding anniversary...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jason Van Jason]

The simple fact that you are equating gifts and gestures of love, as similar concepts, per your title, is your first problem.

[preraph]

Well, the part that worries me and is most telling is the part where you said he was critical of you giving him a card.

 

So I'm going with CHEAP and unromantic and he's a mean jerk.

[SunnyWeather]

Boy, I've been with my wife for 30+ years, she's the best thing that ever happened to me - and I have no idea what the date might be. TBH, it's simply not an important "anniversary" for most guys, especially one as gift-challenged as yours. Be happy if he correctly remembers your birthday and (eventual) wedding anniversary...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

ya, maybe you're right, though he was pretty touched when he realized that we've been together for a year.

 

The birthday part is actually next week, so we'll see how that goes...

[SunnyWeather]

The simple fact that you are equating gifts and gestures of love, as similar concepts, per your title, is your first problem.

 

not sure I agree. Cooking for my partner is something that I put love into,to show I care, and that to me is ONE way of demonstrating my love. Giving a simple flower is also a way, imo

 

maybe you could expand your point a bit more. I guess this brings up the issue of me feeling that things feel lopsided in the relationship and that I'm giving more, and the little things I would like in return are not forthcoming.

 

is this wrong?

[SunnyWeather]

Well, the part that worries me and is most telling is the part where you said he was critical of you giving him a card.

 

So I'm going with CHEAP and unromantic and he's a mean jerk.

 

no, he actually liked the card very much. It was the gift I got him, he complained it didn't fit, wrong kind, blah blah.

 

Later I found out that his ex (now deceased) had giving him almost the exact same gift , same color, just better in the style (in his opinion), ugh. I offered to return it for a different color, but then he started saying he wants it to be like this, like that , and now I'm just gonna be done with it and give him the receipt and tell him to do what he wants.

 

I'm done with this chapter of our first anniversary. Just gonna write this off as a learning curve and never acknowledge that date again as per Mr. Lucky's assessment, it's not a big deal, but honestly, my feelings are hurt

 

he is cheap, btw, something I find unsettling, sometimes attributed to difference of cultures, but overall, not a deal breaker. maybe over time it will be, we'll see

[preraph]

Well, cheap is going to really become a dealbreaker once you have kids and HAVE to spend money on them.