CanisMajor Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) Hello guys, I could use some advice why giving some insight from the other end of the spectrum. I have been reading and looking on forum for something similar to my situation but I could find one that comes from my position. All I could fine was someone who wanted to be in a relationship and the other doesn’t. And all I see is that he either has commitment phobia or he wants to have his cake and eat it which is not true in my case. So to be clear, I am the one who does not want to be in a relationship, I will explain. When I first met her on our first date she did ask the question about what I was looking for. I told her straight up that I wasn’t looking to get into anything serious. She also asked if I was or planning to see other people, I told her I only see one place at a time. We met late February (26th ). From then we have been seeing each other at least 3 times a week, We have been having sex almost every time we met. Honestly it’s not about the sex for me but I’m not too sure whether she feel I am just in it for the sex. I remember twice where we met, had a good time but didn’t have sex. This was accompanied by a text from her enquiring whether we were ok or if there was a problem. Now before last time I would have assumed that she was just in for fun because she was being secretive and wouldn’t event tell her birthday plus she is hard to reach. I have never spoken to her on the phone, only text. So Last Night We just finished have sex and were cuddled up. She said let play 10 questions, I replied “sure”. Most of the questions are unimportant. What is important was the question about our situation. She asked the question again about what I am looking for and I said the same thing I said the first time we met. This time she wanted me to elaborate. This time also I did ask her what she wanted. She said was not leaning in any direction basically she was flexible. So I proceed to elaborate, I will bullet point this. 1. I was just out of a long relationship which I jumped into from another long relationship. Thus I did want to jump into one so soon again. (disclosed to her) 2. It would be too soon as I just got out of one relationship in January. (disclosed to her) 3. Throughout my relationships, I had formed a habit on being dependent on my S/O. i.e like I had to speak to my S/O after work before I could do anything. Now im trying and to be with success more independent like I used to be. (disclosed to her) 4. From my experiences it appears I am lacking in romance, emotions, PDA, compliment areas and has been an issue when thing got serious. (disclosed to her, and added we could talk more details) 5. Seeing as I just got out from a relationship my EX still contacts me from time to time, sometimes its friendly sometimes it’s emotional and I don’t want to bring that into a new relationship. (I did not disclose this to her) Replied by saying that she would have to take a step back before thing gets to emotional down the road and that she understands where I am coming from. I don’t know what to do, I’m not scared to commit but I don’t want to create a mess of things. We aren’t so different from what we want in the future. I don’t want to get married or have kids (kids only if I am very well off financially). She does not want to get married and feels she can’t have kids if not married. So technically, she does not want marriage or kids either I think I just need time to work into this Your thoughts! Edited April 14, 2017 by CanisMajor
mikeylo Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 Dude, put some brakes , seriously. And you are rightly so. After one month of having practically sex every time, you dont even have a relationship. You dont even know each other.I'm really lost here. You've got to know each other as a person and see if you even click together.You are just rushing, having sex and nothing more.This doesn't have anything to do committment phobia etc. Just stay on your own for a while.
spiderowl Posted April 14, 2017 Posted April 14, 2017 (edited) This is difficult because even at an early stage people start to wonder where a relationship is going. The thing is, the more you share with the other person, the more of those wonderful intimate moments you have, the more vulnerable you start to feel. 'Is this person taking me seriously?' 'Is he in it just for sex?', 'Is he dating anyone else?', but perhaps more importantly, 'Should I carry on sharing my emotional side with him/her?' This is the biggie that makes us feel insecure. Is there a point sharing feelings, being vulnerable with someone, if they are not likely to commit to even a girlfriend/boyfriend situation? I think in your situation it is wise to go slower. It is reasonable for both parties to want sexual exclusivity, for safety purposes if nothing else, but be prepared for her to date others if you offer no further emotional security. It sounds like you are saying you are still emotionally involved with your ex - maybe not in a happy way but still working things out. That is not the best state to enter another relationship. Maybe you should tell this new girl that you and your ex are still interacting/arguing/whatever? At least she will know why you are not emotionally 'all there' with her. I think it is hard for you to imagine being involved with someone else at the moment. Your ex is still pulling emotional strings. It may still not make sense to the new girl but she needs to be forewarned that you are not emotionally available yet. What to do? Tell her the whole situation then see if anything becomes clearer after further discussion with her. While your ex is still part of a secret you have going on in your head, she is a barrier between you. Maybe it will be a relief to have that out in the open. Edited April 14, 2017 by spiderowl
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