Was I right now to allow myself to be a rebound? ****UPDATED****

[DontBreakEven]

I hope this thread doesn't get merged because it's a different topic.

 

Long story short, things ended about a month ago with a girl that I was talking to for about a month. She told me from jump that she wasn't looking for anything serious, but she also would tell me that I was a bit less casual to her than she was planning on.

 

Anyway, doesn't matter, she was CLEARLY still in love with her ex and even verbalized a few times that she was holding out hope that they would get back together.

 

So, I told her I couldn't do it. I can handle casual for a bit, but really what is the point if there is no end game there? All I could see was a 99.99% chance of me getting hurt, as I continued to get feels. We went back and forth until SHE finally told ME that we need to let go.

 

Bottom line though, I freaking miss her. And I know that she is dating other people and I'm upset that I can't be one of them. But I also have to be honest with myself in that I definitely wanted more from her than she could admittedly give me right now, and I didn't know if/when that would ever change.

 

Was I right to let go? Or should I have just rode the wave to see where it could have potentially gone? Because I feel like now it definitely will never go anywhere because we have exited each other's lives pretty much.

Edited April 14, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[Bejangled]

Hi DontBreakEven

 

Were you right to let go? Yes, of course you were. But, have you really let go? You still have strong emotions for her but that's normal. You liked her even though it was casual. It happens. It shows you have a heart and you're not made of stone. Some people find these casual, open affairs healing or cathartic...but congratulations, you have discovered that this doesn't work for you. You've gotten clarity now that it's not for you. So, wish the girl well and hopefully she will resolve her issues with her ex and eventually work on her self-esteem. In the meantime, dust yourself down and start looking towards a future relationship with someone who gives you 100% of their love, time and affection. Good luck!

[Altair0770]

If a girl said she wants to get back with her ex at the start, I'd say, "thanks for picking up my tab" and walk the hell out.

 

Okay I would probably pay my bill, but still, you made the correct decision. You were plan B and knew you were being used.

 

Let me ask you a serious question - are you okay with being a plan B, getting more involved in a relationship, and then having her instantly walk out on her because her ex got jealous and took her back?

 

She's clearly using anyone she can without intent on progressing in any relationship.

[DontBreakEven]

Awe you guys make me feel a lot better

 

Altair your question is a great one, and one that I was asking myself. She told me that I was basically predicting our demise before it even happened, but I told her that I was worried that we would get more involved, and then what if they got back together? She couldn't really say much to that. Other than that yeah, that's a valid point. That was another one of the convos where she admitted that she was holding out hope for them working out (although also got upset and said that she can't keep thinking that that's what will happen).

 

It also bothered me the way she viewed dating. She's like, so when you date people you have expectations? I'm like well not an expectation, but I date with a purpose of seeing if it will become something. She didn't "get" that. All the times she has fallen in love it has started out as them being friends who have sex and then it would just "happen". I don't know how long I could logically play that game ... wondering if it would "happen" for her or not.

 

Idk. I'm just upset because I couldn't hang, and now she's dating someone else (and who knows how many others ... no clue), and I'm left here to wonder if maybe I just wasn't enough. Maybe this new one is enough. Deep down I kinda know that's not true ... that I basically passed the rebound torch I was living to someone else, especially since she straight up told me that she is wanting numbing, meaningless relationships right now, but I also don't really know what going on anymore because we don't speak. Maybe this new person is enough. But even if that person is in the exact same position I was, it's hard, because that someone else is getting some of her time and attention and sex and cuddles, maybe "potentially" something down the line if they give it enough time for things to "happen" ... and I'm getting ... nothing. It's like we don't even exist to each other now. Space for days. I might as well be NASA.

Edited April 14, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[love.sick.101]

You were def right to let her go. Ive been in that girls situation before and if she had hopes of getting back with her boyfriend, you would have been nothing more than a rebound. If you stayed you would have been crushed by the end of it. ITs good that you ended it now before you got in deeper.

[DontBreakEven]

Ugh ... part of me just thinks "what if"? Like has anybody heard of a successful rebound??

 

I'm stupid jealous of the person she is messing with now. I have no idea what it is, if anything remotely serious, but of course my crazy thoughts keep jumping to them being happy ever after, simply because that person could hang during this transitional period where she is literally f*cking everyone under the sun

[DontBreakEven]

Successful rebounds only occur when the original relationship that caused the rebound is no longer an option, or even a want anymore.

 

That's an interesting point. Well then I suppose it would never have succeeded, as it was definitely a burning want. Not so sure about the option part at this moment, but was clearly a want that I heard about a lot (though I did ask questions so as not to be hoodwinked). In fact, she and her ex have been friends since they were children, so she said no matter what they would be maintaining a friendship - that was a going to be a given.

 

Ugh. What a mess. First chick that's really done something for me in years. Go figure.

[DontBreakEven]

Oh there's no choice left. I already expressed my concerns about everything, and after I did, she freaked out and said she couldn't do this because she didn't want to put me in a risky position and she didn't want to half a** things with someone until she can clean up her past. We were never in a relationship anyway. She made it clear from jump that this was casual, and she was also carrying on numerous casual relationships as well (though she did tell me that I was different in that she was actually having some feelings for me, so she needed to take a step back ... whicchhhhh I no longer believe lol ... who says that's how they feel and then *poof* disappears??)

 

So we haven't spoken in a month, and even though she left it very open ended by saying that she needed to let it go "for now", but that she selfishly wants to say for now because she'd maybe like to start fresh again someday when she is in a different mindframe, I view it as this is done and over with and we will most likely never speak to her again, because, let's be realistic here ...

 

The part of me that really misses her now wonders if I should've just allowed it all.

Edited April 14, 2017 by DontBreakEven

[DontBreakEven]

 

 

 

 

 

I feel as if she was very clear from the beginning. Enjoy the casual friendship, don't get your panties in a bunch.

 

Lol. I didn't think I would catch feelings. I did. So I couldn't do it anymore. I wish I could have. I miss her. And part of me wonders if I could've just stuck in there if things maybe would have changed.

[Maldives]

Lol. I didn't think I would catch feelings. I did. So I couldn't do it anymore. I wish I could have. I miss her. And part of me wonders if I could've just stuck in there if things maybe would have changed.

 

OK here's something to think about on ur take on if ud had stuck it out. The thing wth sticking it out was u have to ask ureself how were u feeling in the short time u were sticking it out wth her? Answer - probably in pain right? Wat does that potentially do? Easy causes a whole range of issues and arguments and resentments along the way as she oscillates between u an ex and other casuals. It's too hard bro to handle the only people or partners that wouldn't would be ones that wouldn't have feelings for her and guess wat happens there....they leave lol because it becomes to painful. There's one thing being patient wth someone u have feelings wth and let me tell u I've tried this and lasted about 8 mths before I just cldnt handle it anymore all that kept happening g was me getting hurt. Sure she ended up wth her ex partners best friend who got killed in a car accident long story I actually ended up going to her wedding yrs later wth the next soulmate I'd fallen in love wth. She kept looking at me like she'd made a mistake but I couldn't be sure but it matters none as it was over 20 yrs ago now. But wat that did hanging on was just set me up for a harder fall it took 3 yrs to get over her I had to eventually tak3 a holiday to sth America to completly get over her. A lot of good that did for me. I think u did the right thing and I know ur still gonna be thinking if i just managed to hang in there but I can bet my bottom dollar it wouldn't of been fun and it would only of been at ur expense wth a chanc3 of her recomn3vting wth an ex. That'll stay for a while ull mull over it should i have done this or that the truth is she wasn't good to u or for u since she's holding out like that. I suspect she'll make a mess of things by the sounds of it

[breadbin]

you were dead right! some people are ok with that sort of shenanigans but if you aren't then good for you. Stick to your guns. You saved yourself a greater heartache by saying no before you got too involved.

 

I myself couldn't entertain an 'open' relationship. My ex offered it to me on a plate but without the getting back together part and as desperate as I was, I refused. It hurt but it would hurt more lying to yourself and knowing she could be off with someone else.

[DontBreakEven]

Each and everyone's take on it makes me feel a lot better.

 

Yes, I was definitely in pain while in the "open relationship". I couldn't handle it because it was a literal roller coaster. Right now I'm just missing the highs.

 

And I guess there are people out there that can handle this type of stuff, and I suspected that I wasn't one of them, but now I definitely know that I'm not ... although I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could be. From the outside it seems like it'd be very fun and never any loneliness.

[breadbin]

Each and everyone's take on it makes me feel a lot better.

 

Yes, I was definitely in pain while in the "open relationship". I couldn't handle it because it was a literal roller coaster. Right now I'm just missing the highs.

 

And I guess there are people out there that can handle this type of stuff, and I suspected that I wasn't one of them, but now I definitely know that I'm not ... although I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could be. From the outside it seems like it'd be very fun and never any loneliness.

 

i'd say you'd need to be emotionally cold to do this and be truly happy with it. the way I feel right now is that i'd be less lonely on my own.

[DontBreakEven]

i'd say you'd need to be emotionally cold to do this and be truly happy with it. the way I feel right now is that i'd be less lonely on my own.

 

I'm getting to that point. I'm getting to an anger stage and realizing that you are correct, you do have to be emotionally cold to do this, and though that seems like an easier life to live, it's not me, and it's not how I want to be, for real. It seems like it works in a seduction sense, but not for anything authentic.

 

There's a weird part of me that can't believe people really act like this. And since I can't believe it, I then drive myself crazy thinking this entire relationship was a conspiracy and really she just didn't like me but didn't know how to tell me. It's all so ridiculous.

[DontBreakEven]

I've been in a bs NC for about 6 weeks now. Meaning we haven't spoken at all. 5 weeks ago I deleted her from my social media. But. I still look. I'm so pathetic that I don't even follow her on Instagram, and I friggin look to see if her picture count has gone up (all I can see). I'm not even going to go into the other ridiculous ways I manage to get "info".

 

All I continue to do is hang on, and whilst at it, make up all these stories in my head about what is ACTUALLY happening, rather than just believing what she told me at the end. I make up these stories in my head based on the tiny amount of information that I can grab via social media.

 

This has become madness. This relationship is over. It doesn't even matter that it feels unfinished to me, or even that she left me hanging with a thread of "for now". It does not matter. For all intents and purposes, it is over.

 

I guess I'm just scared to let go of the final ties in my mind. I'm scared to let go and have nothing to attach anything to (my thoughts, my feelings, anything). I'm scared of free falling. Scared of just floating, unattached. Anyone else ever feel like this? Or any stories about how much better it has been since you did?

[jamili]

I've been in a bs NC for about 6 weeks now. Meaning we haven't spoken at all. 5 weeks ago I deleted her from my social media. But. I still look. I'm so pathetic that I don't even follow her on Instagram, and I friggin look to see if her picture count has gone up (all I can see). I'm not even going to go into the other ridiculous ways I manage to get "info".

 

All I continue to do is hang on, and whilst at it, make up all these stories in my head about what is ACTUALLY happening, rather than just believing what she told me at the end. I make up these stories in my head based on the tiny amount of information that I can grab via social media.

 

This has become madness. This relationship is over. It doesn't even matter that it feels unfinished to me, or even that she left me hanging with a thread of "for now". It does not matter. For all intents and purposes, it is over.

 

I guess I'm just scared to let go of the final ties in my mind. I'm scared to let go and have nothing to attach anything to (my thoughts, my feelings, anything). I'm scared of free falling. Scared of just floating, unattached. Anyone else ever feel like this? Or any stories about how much better it has been since you did?

 

I know the feeling exactly. Your thinking is correct - you can't be NC and still check social media stuff. It definitely delays healing.

 

However, i will say in my case at least, I find it doesnt get much easier when you go hard NC. My ex doesnt even use any social media, but my mind still creates theories and ideas about what she might be thinking.

 

This is because i havent REALLY cut the ties in my own brain. 6 months later and i still have a little hope in the back of my mind that she will come back someday.

 

Others who have actually snipped that strand in their head will probably tell you it makes everything a lot easier. They are surely right. But wanting to snip that strand and truly accept she is gone forever is a huge move. Ive never in my life thought of anything in terms of "forever" except for death... and even then... we really dont know for sure. So making a cold, solid 'forever' decision in my head is veet hard for me. Ive seen too many odd things happen in my life to abandon hope even when odds are abyssmal. But that is my problem.

 

Thats my experience, i know it doesnt help much. Others have much more positive experiences with NC. Ignoring my ex's constant reaching out was the hardest for me, and im only recently accepting my decision to ignore her and reject the breadcrumbs.

Edited April 24, 2017 by jamili

[Jimmyjackson]

I've been in a bs NC for about 6 weeks now. Meaning we haven't spoken at all. 5 weeks ago I deleted her from my social media. But. I still look. I'm so pathetic that I don't even follow her on Instagram, and I friggin look to see if her picture count has gone up (all I can see). I'm not even going to go into the other ridiculous ways I manage to get "info".

 

All I continue to do is hang on, and whilst at it, make up all these stories in my head about what is ACTUALLY happening, rather than just believing what she told me at the end. I make up these stories in my head based on the tiny amount of information that I can grab via social media.

 

This has become madness. This relationship is over. It doesn't even matter that it feels unfinished to me, or even that she left me hanging with a thread of "for now". It does not matter. For all intents and purposes, it is over.

 

I guess I'm just scared to let go of the final ties in my mind. I'm scared to let go and have nothing to attach anything to (my thoughts, my feelings, anything). I'm scared of free falling. Scared of just floating, unattached. Anyone else ever feel like this? Or any stories about how much better it has been since you did?

 

I identify with this so much man, you see one thing and all of a sudden think of a million horrible possibilities? Just try to remember 'thoughts aren't facts'.

 

I recently started going to therapy as I am also obsessive at times, perhaps give this a go? It's good to tell a stranger all of the things you're ashamed to tell someone you know and get it off your chest.

 

Read my thread if you like, slightly similar and got some really good advice.

[DontBreakEven]

I identify with this so much man, you see one thing and all of a sudden think of a million horrible possibilities? Just try to remember 'thoughts aren't facts'.

 

I recently started going to therapy as I am also obsessive at times, perhaps give this a go? It's good to tell a stranger all of the things you're ashamed to tell someone you know and get it off your chest.

 

Read my thread if you like, slightly similar and got some really good advice.

 

Ha it's funny because I actually have read your thread already, and you are correct, SO many similarities. Even down to me finally sending a text saying to stop stringing me along (now I'm wishing I hadn't because then at least there'd be something). But I know it's for the best, because the half-a**-ness was making me even more upset.

 

It's weird today actually not doing any social media snooping. But I think this will help. Something has to help, because I cannot believe that here I am 6 weeks later still hung up on a 1 month deal. Unreal.

 

I do go to therapy weekly, and have recently started back on meds for anxiety/ocd/depression. I was going through a hard time when I met this one, so I was probably poised for this ...

[Jimmyjackson]

Ha it's funny because I actually have read your thread already, and you are correct, SO many similarities. Even down to me finally sending a text saying to stop stringing me along (now I'm wishing I hadn't because then at least there'd be something). But I know it's for the best, because the half-a**-ness was making me even more upset.

 

It's weird today actually not doing any social media snooping. But I think this will help. Something has to help, because I cannot believe that here I am 6 weeks later still hung up on a 1 month deal. Unreal.

 

I do go to therapy weekly, and have recently started back on meds for anxiety/ocd/depression. I was going through a hard time when I met this one, so I was probably poised for this ...

 

Ha well to be honest I sent that text as you mentioned, it lasted two months until I bumped into her on Saturday night...I anticipated she would send me a text and I got one like an hour later which resulted in light conversation. I was quite cool and didn't really say much back which was good considering I was heavily under the influence. It bothered me inside the next day but she didn't know that I guess. Not to give you false hope or anything but that text won't discourage her from reaching out, especially if she's drunk and something triggers it.

 

I read something somewhere about the beginning of relationships being like a fantasy as it's all hormones, so if someone ends it at that stage it feels like a perfect fantasy always...never have any negatives to look back on and use as motivation really, do you feel like this perhaps?

 

I was the opposite, felt really good about myself then my self esteem has been extremely low for like 5 months now. I refused meds as I personally don't believe in them but that's just me. Keep it up with the therapy though I find that to be the best thing to do.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Jimmyjackson

[DontBreakEven]

I read something somewhere about the beginning of relationships being like a fantasy as it's all hormones, so if someone ends it at that stage it feels like a perfect fantasy always...never have any negatives to look back on and use as motivation really, do you feel like this perhaps?

 

I definitely feel like this. There were a lot of glaring red flags but I didn't get enough time to really see into them, so in my mind she's this amazing catch. But there has to be stuff that I don't know. Part of me now suspects that she's a liar. It's really maddening because I honestly have no idea one way or the other, and most likely never will.

[Jimmyjackson]

I definitely feel like this. There were a lot of glaring red flags but I didn't get enough time to really see into them, so in my mind she's this amazing catch. But there has to be stuff that I don't know. Part of me now suspects that she's a liar. It's really maddening because I honestly have no idea one way or the other, and most likely never will.

 

Exactly...most likely never will! I know it's easier said than done but just try realise you have no influence on the situation and you'll never get the answers you want.

[DontBreakEven]

After 6 weeks of NC she texted me today saying that she wants to be friends. I mean, we were never even together for real, and we live 300 miles away. She misses talking to me and she wants that back.

 

I have to admit that I felt like I lost a friend too. Just trying to navigate how to handle being friends with someone I still have a crush on? How do I mentally do that? I want to ... I just want to make sure I don't let passive aggressive comments come out, or get attached to the friendship in the wrong way.

[Altair0770]

Don't be friends with her if you want something more, unless you're completely willing to give any chance at reconciliation up.

[DontBreakEven]

Don't be friends with her if you want something more, unless you're completely willing to give any chance at reconciliation up.

 

I let her call me and I talked to her for a couple hours. Honestly, I think now I want neither from her. Funny, because before today I wanted anything. I just wanted to talk to her.

 

Now, I see her differently. First off, she cut everything off with us stating that she needed to pull back because she was getting feelings and she can't do that right now. She can't give anyone all of her right now due to her past and stuff and she doesn't want to half-a** it with anyone.

 

And yet, a few days later I could tell she was dating someone. She IS dating someone. I flat out asked her on the phone, and she confirmed. We barely spoke about it and I told her I don't wanna talk about that, at all, but I mean .... lies.

 

Which is totally fine because, the whole time we talked she just kept going on and on about the drama with her exes (both soon to be ex spouse as well as ex affair). And how now she's lost them both. Awee .. boo-hoo. Also, you have someone new ... why do you care?

 

I don't envy her new person. I mean what the hell? She chose someone else. Why on Earth is she trying to be friends with me? She has plenty of friends! There is absolutely no need to be friends with me, and especially when she is newly dating someone. Why contact the person you were talking to right before that and try to be friends? To alleviate guilt? Wtf is that?

 

I agreed to the "friendship". It's easier than having someone out there I have to avoid. It really is. But trust me, not hardly much, if any, of my energy will be put into this. Good riddance.

[Altair0770]

I let her call me and I talked to her for a couple hours. Honestly, I think now I want neither from her. Funny, because before today I wanted anything. I just wanted to talk to her.

 

Now, I see her differently. First off, she cut everything off with us stating that she needed to pull back because she was getting feelings and she can't do that right now. She can't give anyone all of her right now due to her past and stuff and she doesn't want to half-a** it with anyone.

 

And yet, a few days later I could tell she was dating someone. She IS dating someone. I flat out asked her on the phone, and she confirmed. We barely spoke about it and I told her I don't wanna talk about that, at all, but I mean .... lies.

 

Which is totally fine because, the whole time we talked she just kept going on and on about the drama with her exes (both soon to be ex spouse as well as ex affair). And how now she's lost them both. Awee .. boo-hoo. Also, you have someone new ... why do you care?

 

I don't envy her new person. I mean what the hell? She chose someone else. Why on Earth is she trying to be friends with me? She has plenty of friends! There is absolutely no need to be friends with me, and especially when she is newly dating someone. Why contact the person you were talking to right before that and try to be friends? To alleviate guilt? Wtf is that?

 

I agreed to the "friendship". It's easier than having someone out there I have to avoid. It really is. But trust me, not hardly much, if any, of my energy will be put into this. Good riddance.

 

Dude just ghost her. You don't need her in your life. Don't even say anything, just disappear.

 

The thing about exes is they think that because you are their ex, they still have some control and entitlement over you. That is why people send breadcrumbs. It's why people lose all chance at reconciliation because they say they still have feelings.

 

Give them NOTHING. You are in control of yourself, don't let anyone steal that from you, especially some chick that dumped you for someone else.

 

The thing about No Contact is people don't give it a chance before it starts working. It's not a miracle cure. It's a roller coaster. There will be days where you feel great. There will be days you feel like crap. But eventually you reach the end.

 

Staying in contact is because people subconciously think that if they stick around it gives them a chance. That it's "better than nothing". No it isn't. There will always be people in your life you don't want to get rid of. There will always be things you don't want to get rid of. But eventually you'll have to.

 

Unless you want to put dating on hold for a long time because you stuck on some ex and feel you can't go on living your life without ever seeing or speaking to them again, you need to cold turkey quit. It's like smoking, you aint ever going to quit it if you keep taking a puff or hang around people that blow it in your face. You need to cold turkey quit it.

 

I know the internet makes NC seem so easy, because literally it is. You just ghost your ex that left you. But they fail to mention the emotions. They fail to state it's not an instant cure. It takes months to get over someone even with NC. But it takes longer if you stick around.

 

I wasn't in a romantic relationship with my roommate, but he was my bro. We were really close. And he had to move out to help his mom. I didn't have my bro with me, and he said if he needed a roommate again he'd contact me. Took me 4 years to give up that hope of rooming again, and we weren't in a romantic relationship, it was just nice having a brother I never had when I needed one my entire life. There was no romantic interest. We weren't gay, and it took me 4 years because I clinged onto that hope. Eventually I grew up and he got into a long term relationship that likely is going to end in marriage.

 

If I gave up that hope instantly, it wouldn't have taken me 4 years.

 

Once you ghost your ex, you gain the upper hand. Doesn't mean they come back seeking reconciliation, but once you feed them what they ordered they start realizing the dish tastes like crap. You are in control of your own destiny.

 

Reading your post makes me think you're angry at the moment. I suspect you still have feelings and you're just mad waving your middle finger around. Nothing wrong with that, in fact it's sometimes healthy. More power to you brother! But don't be friends with her if you're frustrated at her for finding a new boytoy and lying to you. She doesn't even deserve a thought.

 

Feed her the dish she ordered. Become a ghost. You win regardless. She comes back realizing she had what she wanted all along in you, or you heal and find someone that doesn't like and find a new rebound a few weeks later.

 

Halloween is coming.