I Broke up with her - did i make a mistake?

[E-Roc]

i'm 30 years old my; ex is 27. my ex and i dated for 4 years during our last years of graduate school and first 6 months out. it started out as a relationship of convience but grew into the best relationship ever. we lived together those years but did a LDR (about 2.5 hour drive) for 6 months after graduation. she was depressed and on medication when we first met but overcame it. she quit smoking cigarettes ( i never did) and became very career driven. she had taken a residency she wanted the last minute after i had already moved to the city we both thought we could live in.

 

we broke up 6 months into the LDR (she dumped me). within the next 2 months she started dating a friend of her dad's who was 3 states away. i was crushed but managed to be happy again. she started calling 3 months after we broke up because she missed me; after 2 months we were back together.

 

our relationship started out as a relationship of convience (school) but we had some differences. i was pretty much a pothead and would crash at her house because she wanted me too. she didn't smoke pot but drank and we used to have a great time together. as time went on she started picking on me for things she didn't like (about 3 years into the relationship). i changed everything except my nightly pot ritual. after we had broken up i quit my bad habits and cleaned my act up. she called, she was missing me, i told her how different i was. at this point i embraced a metro side (bought a 911, started wearing nicer clothes, etc).

 

we got back together and she had a job lined up already in another city 4 hours away from where i was. i really wanted to move there with her but was apprehensive. as i spent more time alone i picked up the pot again. this second time i was sure to never do it around her and haven't. its something i do a couple times a week if i have time off. so we continued a LDR and i would visit her on my time off. she had never lived in a big city and was getting into big city life. i had lived in cities before graduate school and had experienced all the things she was starting to experience in a big city. she was into looking at houses we couldn't afford and wanting to go to high dollar restaurants on a regular basis. i'm a sports bar, mexican, thai food kind of guy; she likes that stuff too but really wanted to dress up and go out to nice places at least once weekly. i would go with her to some of these places but never brought a suit to go out to the places she really wanted to go.

 

she's into antiques, museums, and fine dining...i'm into cars, concerts, movies, and casual dining with drinks. over the past 4 months i've felt we've not been connecting. she's upset with me that i still smoke cigarettes, and when she's not around i smoke weed at home after work and with friends. she wanted me to start doing more fine dining, museum stuff and stop all my bad habits. i want to stop all my bad habits too but i'm finding it very hard.

 

anyway, i go to visit her and notice she's registered with an online dating service...i confront her on that and she said she was just looking for women for her dad (who's single in ohio). her profile said she was looking for new possiblilities and she was looking for a guy to do all the nice things she liked to do.

 

i talked to her about a compromise to where we lived and if we could move somewhere we both wanted to be. she told me she wasn't going to put her career on the back burner and wasn't ready to move. i felt like i've compromised and was willing to compromise more for her but it wouldn't be right in the long run. i didn't think i'd be happy 5 years down the line.

 

we mutually agreed we've lost some connection lately...i've been the one initiating sex, saying i love you and calling. she has not been doing those things the past 3 months. so last night i initiated a break up after days of thinking and i feel like i've lost someone very special. i want her and me to be together, i just wish i could do the things i like to do. i love her very much but wish she could accept me for who i am. did i make a mistake?

[totallyconfused]

i have been a big believer in sacrifices in a relationship (small/big ones that effect the relationship, not in terms of fidelity issues tho)...that is until i sacrificed enough that he ended up cheating on me to the same extent of online dating, but this time much worse he actually met the girl online. story on that here > http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t66616/ - we had also been together for 4 years.

 

but yeah, it sounds like there are some major differences between you two. those are hard changes to overcome, lifestyle changes - she wants the glamourous and expensive life, while you are happy with what ya got. who needs the reality check here? maybe both. overly ambitious + scared of growing up = messy. those kind of problems will ONLY work out if BOTH of u WANT to and WILLING to compromise.

 

i dont mean to call u immature or "scared" of growing up. but it almost sounds like it, but i do see your appreciation in living within your means, as i do myself. i hate when my x wanted to blow $$ away at everything and go out to eat EVERY night. and he was also 4 y/o than me. i think its just a male/female thing, females mature much faster.

 

its pretty bad that she even lied about saying she was on those dating services for her dad, thats lying and cheating right there. Its bad enough shes denying it, but did she even apologize for it?? my x made up those silly excuses about why he was on there - low self esteem & boredom. those are all just excuses b/c they got caught. she has crossed the fine line of cheating, and believe me, if they'll go there, she'll take it even further if she could. basically she is keeping u along out of comfort, until she finds someone better.

 

please dont take online dating as a small problem. THAT is a big warning sign, HUGE. Think about it, what if you went on those dating services - what else cud be your reason to go on there?

 

unless she is willing to put an end to all that online crap, apologize profusely and willing to compromise with lifestyle changes (not necessarily moving to a different city or relocating jobs) but rather differences in going out. u gotta start small, and if u can fix the small problems like going out to eat/entertainment, then move on to the bigger problems.

 

you did NOT make a mistake in breaking up with her. DO no calling / no contact with for a few weeks. make sure she knows your serious about this and u arent willing to wait around for her. LIVE YOUR LIFE. Theres plenty of fish in the believe me as I've seen so many women from going out on the weekends! oh and pretty hot too. lol

[fundamental]

No you didnt make a mistake. Something is up with her and it's better to leave a sinking ship. Seems like the relationship has been dead for her for atleast 3 months. How did she take the break up?

[E-Roc]

thanks guys, i felt awful doing it because i love her so much. i agree with you "Totallyconfused" i am scared of growing up. i need to change some things in my life and they have been - slowly but surely. i enjoy a lot of things she doesn't and agree she is more mature than i am. thats what i like about her though. i think she's a good thing for me. however, i wish she was more tolerant of my needs, and more patient with me. after all, i haven't changed that much since we met but she has.

 

"fundamental" - when breaking up we both realized the insufficiencies of our connection lately. we were both upset breaking up. i cried, she cried. she didn't say much. i kept telling her how i'd always love her and the best years of my life were spent with her and how much of a great person i thought she was. she said the same. she wanted to know if she could call me and i told her she could do that whenever she wanted. i told her i wouldn't ignore her call and would be here for whatever and whenever she needed me. she wanted me to call her 1st though. i asked her if there was a certain amount of time she wanted me to wait to call her and she said no. she just wanted to make sure it wouldn't be the last time we ever talked again. we told each other that we loved each other and would talk later. that was the end.

 

"totally confused" i was sorry for you after reading your post, sounds like it will never be right between the two of you again. if i were you i would try my best not to contact him and move on. the hard part will be when he contacts you. you deserve someone who worships you as you do them. don't wait around for him, he's not worth it, its a waste of time.