I'm married and want to have an affair with a married man

[Bryanp]

Conversely I imagine that you would not mind in the least if your

husband would engage in a sexual affair with another woman as well?

[Doscreetlady]

This, read it over and over and over again. Would you mind leaning forward a bit while I aim my open palm for the side of your face. I hope it was hard enough to roll your eyeballs back into focus so you can see the damage your about to create before you act on it. Just a question, have you always sabotaged yourself when things are going too well?

 

Yes.

 

My husband has noticed this. He said it's almost as if I have the need for chaos in my life at all times and unable to enjoy the here and now, and enjoy the smooth. Everything with me always needs to be an adventure.

[Doscreetlady]

None of you on here know me, and I don't know you so I'm going to be completely honest. No back doors.

 

I have no emotional connection to the MM whatsoever, and he is most certainly not the type of man I'd like to settle down with - he doesn't have a patch on my DH.

 

He is convenient, and it's that simple. I don't know him well enough to have an emotional connection.

 

I do often feel like I'm on self destruct mode... knowing that my actions are potentially going to get me into deep water but struggle to change my course.

[d0nnivain]

My husband has noticed this. He said it's almost as if I have the need for chaos in my life at all times and unable to enjoy the here and now, and enjoy the smooth. Everything with me always needs to be an adventure.

 

 

Then figure out how to make your husband your adventure. Wanting a thrill which will wear off with an AP is not a good reason to bust up your marriage & unsettle your kids.

[Doscreetlady]

Conversely I imagine that you would not mind in the least if your

husband would engage in a sexual affair with another woman as well?

 

That's a very good question and one that has been in my head quite a lot recently, because of how I've been feeling. We've also chatted about this recently, my DH and I.

 

My view was always that cheating would be the end of our relationship... however I'm now wondering if it would actually be that bad..? If he was to come home tonight and confess he's been sleeping with someone else and it was just sex and nothing emotional, would I be ok with that? And I think I might be. It's difficult as it's hypothetical as I don't really know how to react. My immediate thoughts have been that what I don't know, won't hurt me. So if it was just sex and he was coming home to me, that would be ok. I think the idea of a proper affair (ongoing, emotional involvement) is a bit more scary.

[wmacbride]

I've started reading Angelita's thread.. very interesting and thought provoking.

 

To give you some back story... we got married quickly following a very passionate start to our relationship (although we'd known each other for a lot longer as friends). We ended up fall pregnant very quickly into our r'ship too.

 

Roll on to when we had our baby... I had severe post natal depression and ended up losing my job. We scraped by financially and he bore the brunt of the childcare and managing the house while I recovered. We barely had any sex during that period.

 

I'm fully recovered now and back to work - I have quite a high powered career that requires travel, and I earn more than double what my husband earns so I guess in some ways, I hold a lot of power and have a lot more freedom than he has.

 

Things have been really tough for us as a couple and I thought we were working through that. We don't have the same financial pressure as we once had, we're not rich but we're comfortable and have a nice lifestyle. We do still have ups and downs - his complaint is that I disengage from him and I do wonder if this is when I start to look elsewhere.

 

My husband isn't perfect, neither am I (far from it, in fact), but he's perfect for me. We're very well matched and we have a lot of shared interests, he agrees with me that we're a very good team.

 

However, even with all of that, I still have this urge to go and try something new on for size.

 

I know this sounds awful and you must all be thinking my poor husband, and I think that myself. He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met and I know I'd never meet another, yet I want to do this to him. I'd say I'm already at the stage of an emotional affair as I'm so consumed by this so how can I possibly be giving my marriage my full attention.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to deal with these feelings. I need a slap

 

I'm going to suggest that you talk to your husband, and be specific. Tell him about this attraction, that you haven't acted on it and that you are worried about what it could mean.

 

I know it won't be an easy conversation for either of you, but part of being a spouse is also being a friend. As it stands right now, you haven't done anything wrong. In fact, you are doing a lot of things right by stopping before your start, as seeking answers about why you feel the way you do and support to not act on these feelings.

 

Affairs are like mushrooms, They thrive in the dark and feed on bullsh@t. Take those away, and they often wither and die. This is why its so wise that you are stopping to think before you go down that road.

 

It's too bad more people don't.

[aliveagain]

Remember guys think differently then women. Women worry about their man having an emotional connection to another women. "Most" men don't care as much about their wives having emotional connections, they do care about another man tainting their wife by putting his penis in her. Some of us can never get over that. The men that I know that don't are all bisexual, they use their wives to entice men to them. Men are very territorial, they will defend what they hold sacred with their lives but when the wife betrays them by giving what they hold sacred away freely they get rid of the wife instead. The vision of you with another man will forever be burned into his memory and nothing you can do will ever remove it.

[KatieLaw]

I think it's scary because it just opens a door that ought to remained shut. Once either of you goes there, who knows what will happen.

 

If you want a good, sneaky adventure, try the advice someone here gave - fantasy. What if you were drawn to some celebrity? Would you fly to CA or NYC? (I hope not. ) Just kidding, but a bit of fantasy will not ruin your life, as will what you're contemplating.

 

Best of luck to you and yours.

[DKT3]

I wondering why it was important to tell us not only do you earn more but over twice as much....I think much of the issue is in that statement. A lack of respect for your​husband and marriage. I guessing this other guy is more on your level in earnings.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What you are engaged in is grooming this married co-worker. You stated that he is starting to come out of his shell. Which means that you are the one encouraging him to do so.

 

Planting....black seeds. Seeds that get tended. Seeds that get water. Grow. Often times...those seeds take over the whole garden. Everything else that was in bloom there gets choked off and dies.

 

If you are hell bent on having sex outside of your marriage....minimize the collateral damage to others. Choose a single person. Get full permission from your spouse. Together set the boundaries.

 

Good luck with your life.

[aliveagain]

Just one or two other points. Why do you need validation from other men when you have a husband that almost every woman reading your post would kill to have in her life? Why do you think bringing another man into your marriage will fix whatever it is that you think is missing? Why do you think that being a part time wife will be good for you, your husband, your child and your marriage?

 

Whatever you plan on giving to your affair partner your stealing from your husband. Marriages between couples that are only in their relationship part time fail miserably. Perhaps you should talk to a lawyer first, find out how much alimony your going to have to pay your husband, what your finances could look like, how you might schedule and split your time with your child, get the facts before you bomb your marriage.

[Redhead14]

Your husband comes home tonight and says: "Hi, honey. I love you so much but I am going to have sex with some lady I met just because I want to".

 

Another potential conversation you may want to use some forethought about: The affair is discovered. The fight ensues, divorce, etc. Now, picture this: Sitting down with your child and explaining why their home and sense of security has been compromised, why Mommy and Daddy are fighting, why they have to go to separate places to visit with each of you, and/or whether the court will award custody to a woman who has trashed that home for a fling.

Edited April 13, 2017 by Redhead14

[AlwaysGrowing]

I wondering why it was important to tell us not only do you earn more but over twice as much....I think much of the issue is in that statement. A lack of respect for your​husband and marriage. I guessing this other guy is more on your level in earnings.

 

 

When a person puts too much value on money they lose sight of all the things in life (or a person/situation/relationship) has.....that money can not buy. They lose sight of the sought-after treasures that most are looking for....supportive SO, partner in child rearing, soft place to land....etc.....they go on to invest into fools gold. They invest their time, their thoughts, their money, and all the treasures that they already have....they risk it all. They risk everything....all in....betting on the grimy penny in the gutter that they see. Never stopping to ponder why that penny is in the gutter untouched.

[Doscreetlady]

I wondering why it was important to tell us not only do you earn more but over twice as much....I think much of the issue is in that statement. A lack of respect for your​husband and marriage. I guessing this other guy is more on your level in earnings.

 

The tables turned from when I'd lost my job and got over my PDN.

 

I feel that I hold the power at home sometimes, I don't like that. My DH although very reliable, isn't ambitious and sometimes I do find that a little boring. I'm more thrill seeking and more of a risk taker. And I measure myself on my salary.

[Doscreetlady]

Just one or two other points. Why do you need validation from other men when you have a husband that almost every woman reading your post would kill to have in her life? Why do you think bringing another man into your marriage will fix whatever it is that you think is missing? Why do you think that being a part time wife will be good for you, your husband, your child and your marriage?

 

Whatever you plan on giving to your affair partner your stealing from your husband. Marriages between couples that are only in their relationship part time fail miserably. Perhaps you should talk to a lawyer first, find out how much alimony your going to have to pay your husband, what your finances could look like, how you might schedule and split your time with your child, get the facts before you bomb your marriage.

 

I completely agree that if I was to do it, I'm taking the focus away from my husband and our marriage. Part of me is saying that I only need it once... like a heroin addict will think that if they get one hit, they'll be ok. I know it won't fix it at all. But part of me thinks that if it's just once, maybe it'd be ok... :(

[Doscreetlady]

When a person puts too much value on money they lose sight of all the things in life (or a person/situation/relationship) has.....that money can not buy. They lose sight of the sought-after treasures that most are looking for....supportive SO, partner in child rearing, soft place to land....etc.....they go on to invest into fools gold. They invest their time, their thoughts, their money, and all the treasures that they already have....they risk it all. They risk everything....all in....betting on the grimy penny in the gutter that they see. Never stopping to ponder why that penny is in the gutter untouched.

 

I'm a very money focused person. It's always about money with me.

[DKT3]

The tables turned from when I'd lost my job and got over my PDN.

 

I feel that I hold the power at home sometimes, I don't like that. My DH although very reliable, isn't ambitious and sometimes I do find that a little boring. I'm more thrill seeking and more of a risk taker. And I measure myself on my salary.

 

So by extension you measure your husband by his earning. Which is why I asked about this other guy.

 

This isn't a sex issue, but sex is something you can use to justify your desire for a more powerful man (earnings wise) the issue is bigger than you think or are willing to admit to. You've lost respect for your husband, that doesn't usually come back, getting involved with another man will quickly get out of control under these circumstances.

 

Get yourself into IC before you damage your husband and marriage beyond the point of fixing it.

[aliveagain]

I completely agree that if I was to do it, I'm taking the focus away from my husband and our marriage. Part of me is saying that I only need it once... like a heroin addict will think that if they get one hit, they'll be ok. I know it won't fix it at all. But part of me thinks that if it's just once, maybe it'd be ok... :(

 

Once you step over that line once, the second time, the third time are a lot easier because you already fought the demons the first time and you gave yourself the approval to do so usually by rewriting your marriage history. There is no such thing as only once with heroin. This is your life girl, I dealt with the cheaters in my life, nothing you choose to do to yourself, your husband or your child will change me other then to make me sad because you have so many other options. My name is Aliveagain because I am alive again, I fired all the cheaters and sh*tty people from my life.

 

I think you are maybe way beyond thinking about cheating. I think you are in an emotional affair at minimum and moving towards taking it physical, your spending way to much time thinking about banging this guy. My only comment to you is most of the world doesn't think too highly of any woman or any man that will chase and fu*k another man's wife or husband. You are a grown woman and know what's best for you and everyone that loves you, go fu*k him and let us know how it goes.

[Silverstring]

Yes.

My husband has noticed this. He said it's almost as if I have the need for chaos in my life at all times and unable to enjoy the here and now, and enjoy the smooth. Everything with me always needs to be an adventure.

 

This in my mind is your issue. I've known three people that have this similar need for chaos, and they all had very dysfunctional childhoods. Chaos was normal, so calm felt boring, and like something was wrong. If you don't get to the root of this, it won't really matter if you cheat this time or not. You will always feel the need to create chaos in your life. Get help.

 

Also random question, do you find that you have a lot of empathy for other people? You're easily able to put yourself in others shoes? Or is that somewhat of a challenge for you?

[Doscreetlady]

So by extension you measure your husband by his earning. Which is why I asked about this other guy.

 

This isn't a sex issue, but sex is something you can use to justify your desire for a more powerful man (earnings wise) the issue is bigger than you think or are willing to admit to. You've lost respect for your husband, that doesn't usually come back, getting involved with another man will quickly get out of control under these circumstances.

 

Get yourself into IC before you damage your husband and marriage beyond the point of fixing it.

 

I think you're right, I think have lost a bit of respect for him along the way, and it's awful as he's such a good man. He has given me so much support and yet I'm prepared to throw it in his facej -(

[DDTA]

You sound like someone who won't know what they have until it is gone. You should start imaging that scenario now - him gone and your time with child part time. You clearly recognize the value of your husband and what has already brought to the table. You just don't respect it. I can tell who will respect it, and even treasure it. It will be the next woman he meets after you and she will fight tooth and nail to keep him away from you and insert herself to be more of your child's mother. I can tell you that he is NOT ok with the idea of you going forward with your desire. If he has been doing his research he is already being told to or already setting up an appointment with an attorney.

 

And that trouble is just from your own side. Wait until you get some heat from the coworkers wife. She will attempt to get you canned.

 

List all the consequences of carrying through with affair. Dwell on them.

[aileD]

You need therapy. Not an affair.

 

Seriously.

 

You have identified many psychological issues you can clearly see that you have.

 

Why not go get help for them? Wouldn't it be nice to not have to have chaos in your life?