A Patriot In Dixie

[DixiePatriot]

I guess this will be my introductory blog/Post thread. Hello All! I'm Dixie Patriot or

 

DP for short. I'm a college student seeking out my purpose in life here in Central Florida.

 

I'm originally from New England and the greater Boston area thus the Username

 

"Dixie Patriot". I've moved back and forth between Florida and Mass 5 times (with

 

the family) twice on my own. However, I left my heart in Massachusetts after

 

college.

 

 

 

I'm here seeking out answers to questions that trouble me and often are

 

confused by the way people are and or treat me. It doesn't seam like it has

 

anything to do with cultural differences it just feels like people are changing.

 

Generations are evolving and in such a way that I'm not too fond of. It seams as

 

if anything goes these days. I'm a Patriot through and through and at times old

 

fashioned maybe TOO old fashioned but sometimes I feel older than I am. I am

 

depressed. I have not been diagnosed but I know I am depressed due to the fact

 

that everything seams too difficult for me to do. I spent all day scrolling through

 

pinterest and dragging my feet instead of getting up and going to the gym like I

 

originally planned. It's 5:53 and I'm still not ready to go out the door. I'm gonna

 

force myself to but I don't feel like going.

 

I'm in four toxic relationships, One My job, two my home, three my fiancé, and

 

four myself. My work life is toxic because I work with narcissists that put me

 

down no matter what I do it doesn't seem right. Two my apartment is controlled

 

by the fact that it was built stupid with outlets placed terribly and living next to a

 

broad next door who has three kids packed in a one bedroom and never ceases to

 

make loud noise. My fiancé who isn't really my fiancé I call him that with no ring

 

to show for it whom I am currently living with who I can never decipher weather

 

or not he truly loves me... Some days I feel like I'm the only one in his eyes and

 

other days I feel like the only one he has. (there is a difference). I feel

 

manipulated by him but can never put my finger on it. I can't pull him up on his

 

crap and say with physical evidence this is what your doing to hurt me and I want

 

it to stop. It's non existent the only thing I know of that happens right in front of

 

me everyday is he checks out other women. When were out when we go places

 

etc. I did call him out recently and all he said to this was "I try not to, I look

 

everywhere but at other women" etc. etc. and went on to turn the tables on me

 

and listed all the things I'm not currently doing to support us. Lastly, I am my

 

own worst enemy. I've got it so that in my mind I want to achieve an

 

unachievable body type that wasn't made for my structure or would take a long

 

time of working out before I could actually achieve it and most days I tell myself I

 

don't deserve to go to the gym. :mad:I feel pain from head to toe I feel like a

 

walking billboard for my weaknesses. I feel like everyone can see what I'm

 

suffering from and what my weaknesses are. It used to be that I never trusted

 

anybody now I don't know who to trust. I feel my mom talks to me and tries to

 

convince me that my fiancé is a bad person and telling me this only because she

 

wants me to move back in with her so she can have something to control and yet

 

I feel I can't trust him either.

[amaysngrace]

Have you tried to be on meds for your depression? Maybe that could help.