OLD in your 40s

[Spring23]

Agreed. That term needed to be retired in the last century... It's so disrespectful to women.

 

I once had a phone conversation with a guy I met on a dating site... He told me that after a certain age, women fell into two categories - divorced with baggage (children, bitterness towards men) or never been married but so set in her ways that she has a difficult time compromising in a relationship. He wanted to know which category described me - he was such a jerk! He didn't make it past the phone call to the coffee date;).

 

Having been single for a long time but now in a relationship with a wonderful man, I would say that just because a woman is older and never married doesn't necessarily mean anything anymore. Women have so many more opportunities these days... they have our own careers, great friends, opportunities to travel... People delay marriage and children for so many reasons - not the least of which being that dating and meeting the right person has never been more challenging...

 

 

Exactly, I have a very good friend who never married and she has her own place, her own car and an incredible career. She has been all over the world and doesn't mind traveling alone. She's very attractive but very VERY picky.

 

This thread in called "OLD in your forties" so maybe calling the over 40 women spinsters is a bad idea.

 

(ya know )

[CptInsano]

Having been single for a long time but now in a relationship with a wonderful man, I would say that just because a woman is older and never married doesn't necessarily mean anything anymore. Women have so many more opportunities these days... they have our own careers, great friends, opportunities to travel... People delay marriage and children for so many reasons - not the least of which being that dating and meeting the right person has never been more challenging...

 

I wouldn't necessarily say that being single for a long time doesn't mean anything. It mean may something completely different than in the past, but there are still good or bad reasons why somebody was single for a long time.

 

I would definitely want to find out the reason.

[SevenCity]

Agreed. That term needed to be retired in the last century... It's so disrespectful to women.

 

I once had a phone conversation with a guy I met on a dating site... He told me that after a certain age, women fell into two categories - divorced with baggage (children, bitterness towards men) or never been married but so set in her ways that she has a difficult time compromising in a relationship. He wanted to know which category described me - he was such a jerk! He didn't make it past the phone call to the coffee date;).

 

Having been single for a long time but now in a relationship with a wonderful man, I would say that just because a woman is older and never married doesn't necessarily mean anything anymore. Women have so many more opportunities these days... they have our own careers, great friends, opportunities to travel... People delay marriage and children for so many reasons - not the least of which being that dating and meeting the right person has never been more challenging...

 

It was rude of him to say, and there are exceptions, but he's spot on in my experience.

 

With the ones I met who were never married, I pretty quickly found a very good reason for it.

 

I dated this one 43 year old girl who was stunning (and she knew it) who had been on OLD for 10 years. In her mind it wasn't a question of IF she was having kids but WHEN.

 

After spending about a month with her I realized why she was single for so long. If it were just a matter of looks she would have been married years ago. But her personality and inflexibility made her a terrible catch.

 

I've also dated other women who were the same. Often times selfish with a "my way or the highway" attitude.

 

The ones with kids were bitter towards their ex husbands.

 

So although rude, he was very accurate in my experience. Doesn't mean they are all like that, but a larger percentage sure are.

[OatsAndHall]

Maybe she's married and likes to chat with single people. It seems lots of married people do this.

 

I'm in my 40's and to be referred to as a spinster is depressing. I mean, I'm married so I'm not a spinster but if I was single then I'd be a spinster??? It's such a mean term. Can a man over forty be considered a spinster?

 

Oh, absolutely. I use the term "OLD spinster" in reference to anyone (men or women) that are on the OLD sites constantly for years. I am no longer active on OLD but I would log into the Match or POF periodically and the same four-five women were either always in my "chat que". I had chatted with two of them, they turned down dates and but they viewed my profile once every two weeks or so.

 

But, this falls into the "differences between men and women" conundrum/argument that we see on these forums quite a bit. The woman I was referring to is very attractive, is well educated, and owns her own business. It's safe to make the assumption that she gets messages via OLD on a daily basis. But, it seems as if she has set unattainable standards for dating.

 

But, I'm not going to get into this one any further as it is going to kick up the same discussion we've had repeatedly.

[OatsAndHall]

Exactly, I have a very good friend who never married and she has her own place, her own car and an incredible career. She has been all over the world and doesn't mind traveling alone. She's very attractive but very VERY picky.

 

This thread in called "OLD in your forties" so maybe calling the over 40 women spinsters is a bad idea.

 

(ya know )

 

The term "spinster" may be offensive to people and I will apologize for it.

 

However, I stand by my earlier statement.

 

I am seeing a woman in her forties right now (a first for me) and she hasn't been dating much since her divorce. I don't know the specifics of why she has chosen to remain single but she made the conscious choice not to date. There are many people out there like that and I respect it.

 

However, this is another difference between the OLD dating world the real-world dating.

 

If a person is on those sites continually over the space of years then they need to reconsider their approach to dating. I understand and respect a woman being picky but it's pretty unrealistic to think that she's just met complete a--es via OLD since she started using.

 

I wonder what kind of response I would get if I started a thread entitled "I called her fat" and talked about a hypothetical scenario where I messaged back and forth with a woman via OLD for a few days and then turned down a date because I thought she was "chubby". My Magic 8-ball says that I won't get a warm reception. I doubt I would be called "picky" and have it left at that.

 

Women have their horror stories about OLD, men have theirs' too.

[blockrockinbeat74]

That is normal, and interesting profiles are rare. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the person behind the profile is bland. I think most people just don't know what to write.

 

Of course - that's exactly part of my wariness. I don't have a trained eye to spot the personality behind the profile, and if I'm honest I like it that way. I don't want to become too jaded or too cynical or even too clinical about looking for what still is, to me, a special connection between two people.

[d0nnivain]

blockrockingbeat74

 

 

If you are going to do OLD don't overthink it. Look at the pictures. When you come across a guy you think is cute, read his profile. As long as you find the profile somewhat interesting without the obvious red flags like "no fatty's" or "looking for fun only" (translation: looking for NSA sex only), agree to meet the guy for a cup of coffee. We're talking a 1-2 hour investment here, including travel. If after meeting he's interesting, be open to a more substantive date. Otherwise be clear when you say thanks but no thanks.

 

 

All OLD is supposed to do is give you exposure to people you may never otherwise have the opportunity to meet.

[Spring23]

The term "spinster" may be offensive to people and I will apologize for it.

 

However, I stand by my earlier statement.

 

I am seeing a woman in her forties right now (a first for me) and she hasn't been dating much since her divorce. I don't know the specifics of why she has chosen to remain single but she made the conscious choice not to date. There are many people out there like that and I respect it.

 

However, this is another difference between the OLD dating world the real-world dating.

 

If a person is on those sites continually over the space of years then they need to reconsider their approach to dating. I understand and respect a woman being picky but it's pretty unrealistic to think that she's just met complete a--es via OLD since she started using.

 

I wonder what kind of response I would get if I started a thread entitled "I called her fat" and talked about a hypothetical scenario where I messaged back and forth with a woman via OLD for a few days and then turned down a date because I thought she was "chubby". My Magic 8-ball says that I won't get a warm reception. I doubt I would be called "picky" and have it left at that.

 

Women have their horror stories about OLD, men have theirs' too.

 

I think some women prefer to be single like my friend. She dated a lot but never met anyone she fell for enough to marry. She tried OLD, she met men but nobody great.

 

Those women who stay on OLD for years may be getting more out of it that you think. Maybe they like posting pictures of themselves and getting attention from men. They can sit behind their computer (like everyone here is doing now) and type. They don't have to get dressed up or spend an uncomfortable dinner with a guy that doesn't really do it for them. Who knows?

[blockrockinbeat74]

blockrockingbeat74

 

 

If you are going to do OLD don't overthink it. Look at the pictures. When you come across a guy you think is cute, read his profile. As long as you find the profile somewhat interesting without the obvious red flags like "no fatty's" or "looking for fun only" (translation: looking for NSA sex only), agree to meet the guy for a cup of coffee. We're talking a 1-2 hour investment here, including travel. If after meeting he's interesting, be open to a more substantive date. Otherwise be clear when you say thanks but no thanks.

 

 

All OLD is supposed to do is give you exposure to people you may never otherwise have the opportunity to meet.

 

Yes, I'm sure it is possible to use it diligently and purposefully, and of course have fun with it - this makes rational sense and has been illustrated by many posters on here (which I'm grateful for).

 

I can't really put my finger on it, but there is something about the whole process that I find a bit cold and un-natural, perhaps because I'm not accustomed to it; or maybe I don't have the nerves for it.

[d0nnivain]

I can't really put my finger on it, but there is something about the whole process that I find a bit cold and un-natural, perhaps because I'm not accustomed to it; or maybe I don't have the nerves for it.

 

 

You are just perceptive. It's not for everyone.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn't necessarily say that being single for a long time doesn't mean anything. It mean may something completely different than in the past, but there are still good or bad reasons why somebody was single for a long time.

 

I would definitely want to find out the reason.

 

For sure. Same here, there are many men who are 40 and have never been married... Makes you wonder why and sometimes, there is definitely a reason!

 

But, not always. Sometimes, people are just living life and waiting for the right person to come along...

[Mrin]

I've only been on OLD during my 40's. But in that period I've dated women spanning 31 - 50. I probably have been on over 40+ first dates in that period. I am a total extrovert so while you might see that as exhausting, I totally loved it.

 

A few thoughts on this specifically tailored around the OP's initial posts:

 

1. The women I find most attractive are the women that, as a poster said above, know what they want and aren't afraid to tell me. Women in their 40's or even their late 30's are WAY more likely to be this way.

 

2. I don't see it as them having suffered the bumps and bruises of life per se. But rather a strength or confidence in knowing who they are and what they want. It is like the difference between drinking wine at 21 and at 40. When you're 21 all you know is that you want to drink wine. You may have a preference for red vs. white. But that's really about it. But at 40 you have a discriminating palate, know what you want and can appreciate it.

 

3. Basically, I won't meet a woman off of OLD (or anywhere else for that matter) unless she has this mindset or at least a "don't waste my time" vibe to her.

 

4. That being said, I usually end up seriously dating/relationship-ing women who are in their 30's or early 40's. In other words, younger than me. I don't know why really except that our "fit" seems to fit better that way.

 

5. I don't date broken people. OLD, like life, is chock full of broken people. The one nice thing about OLD is just the sheer volume of options compared to "real life" or organic options. So if I meet a "broken" woman, I simply move on. Broken, for me, means significant ex issues, rebound-y, hostility towards men in general, financial distress, emotional distress, bad insecurity, commitment issues... stuff like that. It just isn't worth the hassle. I would strongly recommend you do the same OP.

 

Anyhow OP, if you do decide to give OLD a whirl I would definitely be very upfront about what you're looking for. Yes - you will scare some men off. I can say that with 100% certainty. But you know what? If you scare them off then you probably just saved yourself some hassle and possible heartache later on. Think of it as pre-qualifying them...

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

P.S. - cool screen name by the way. FBS FTW!

[blockrockinbeat74]

You sound like a nice person. Don't do OLD. If you don't care so much about looks but are focused on character then real life is a better way to judge. Online, people can hide their character easily.

 

For good, quality men you'll need to get involved in lots of activities. You'll need to attend some sort of religious gathering even if you're not that religious. Do lots of volunteer work and get the word out amongst your friends of your relationship goals.

 

Thanks . I too think people can and do hide their character easily. Reading these profiles, everyone seems to be perfect, great and sorted!

 

That being said, I have no doubt there are good quality men everywhere (even on OLD!) but yes, I find it easier to relate to people IRL.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It was rude of him to say, and there are exceptions, but he's spot on in my experience.

 

With the ones I met who were never married, I pretty quickly found a very good reason for it.

 

I dated this one 43 year old girl who was stunning (and she knew it) who had been on OLD for 10 years. In her mind it wasn't a question of IF she was having kids but WHEN.

 

.

 

Yeah, being that I'm in my mid-40s, and don't want kids at this point in my life because I don't want to be an AARP card holder and be the only dad in my 50's dropping Timmy off at school among the other 20/30-something parents. Just the idea of becoming an elderly parent isnt my thing.

 

I'm seeing women over 40 that hadn't had kids, still want them. Seen a few of them online wanting this. Even a 47 year old.

 

Which puts me in a quandary as a person without kids myself, you'd figure a woman also without children would be better matched with me.

 

That said, that's why I'm okay with dating single parents as well, might as well be flexible. Although, I'd much prefer someone without kids.

 

Online daters over 40, yeah. Like a previous poster stated, like that person, I keep seeing the same faces after taking a break from sites and coming back.

 

Some will even announce, "Well, I'm back again, third time's a charm...lol!" Surprised they would admit to that publicly...would be considered an online dating advice experts big No-no. Ya know?

 

And I'm like "Yeah, you ignored me before, and you'll do it again, so I won't try again. lol!"

 

They are rather shooting themselves in the foot actually by severely limiting themselves.

 

I have noticed the only luck I had with women online dating are the ones that are brand spanking new to online dating altogether. I mean, NEVER have tried online dating at all.

 

Everytime I'd find a new face, I strike while the iron is hot...and I usually get an in-person date. The longer these veterans of online dating have been on these sites, the more they stick around.

 

Sometimes their entire profiles sound like they have an axe to grind with the world. Talking AT their readers ...as if they are lecturing them.

 

Someone said earlier that the thing with online dating, women do know what they want, hm...maybe that's how I'm able to get dates more easily with women I meet in person?

 

Everytime I've asked them what they are looking for in a guy...they say "I really don't have a type" and they list basics of the characteristics on how you should treat a normal human being, "respectful, communicator, loving, caring, etc."

 

They list very basic criteria.

Edited April 14, 2017 by LookAtThisPOst

[blockrockinbeat74]

P.S. - cool screen name by the way. FBS FTW!

 

Thanks! And thanks for the tips and advice.

 

Plenty of posters have obviously benefited greatly from OLD, and that's very encouraging. I don't want to give the impression that I am dismissing the positive posts - I genuinely appreciate all the posts.

[OatsAndHall]

I think some women prefer to be single like my friend. She dated a lot but never met anyone she fell for enough to marry. She tried OLD, she met men but nobody great.

 

Those women who stay on OLD for years may be getting more out of it that you think. Maybe they like posting pictures of themselves and getting attention from men. They can sit behind their computer (like everyone here is doing now) and type. They don't have to get dressed up or spend an uncomfortable dinner with a guy that doesn't really do it for them. Who knows?

 

Then I would hope they'd stop writing "I'm looking for a serious relationship" in their profiles.

 

But, que sera, I'm done with OLD for awhile anyway.

[Titanll]

Its baffling to me why this topic always causes such polarized debates here.

 

I think it's because the folks that had a terrible time have really strong negative feelings about OLD and make blanket statements like "all men", "all women" and what they say is not even close to true. It is certainly true that they did not fare well but that in no way means that there are not any great people OLDing. It's easy to blame the tool and not the one wielding the tool.

 

I met a super attractive woman at a coffee shop in town. She approached me and we chatted and exchanged numbers. We talked and things went well, we set up a date, went out and I thought that I would rather have my skin flayed from my body than see her again. Holy chit! She was scary crazy!

 

I met a super attractive woman online. I messaged her. We chatted and exchanged numbers. We talked and things went well, we set up a date, went out and I had a friggin blast. We dated for a good bit after.

 

Surprises the hell out of me how anyone experiences any difference between OLD and IRL.

[Spring23]

Then I would hope they'd stop writing "I'm looking for a serious relationship" in their profiles.

 

But, que sera, I'm done with OLD for awhile anyway.

 

I'm just guessing. People say or "write" stuff that may or may not be true. You have to watch their actions. This is difficult if you only know their online persona.

 

I can write I want something but unless my behavior shows it then I probably don't know what I want.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm just guessing. People say or "write" stuff that may or may not be true. You have to watch their actions. This is difficult if you only know their online persona.

 

I can write I want something but unless my behavior shows it then I probably don't know what I want.

 

You are correct. Unfortunately, it is the kind of behavior that is keeping me away from OLD though. It doesn't upset me but it can just turn into a gigantic waste of time and energy.

[blockrockinbeat74]

I think it's because the folks that had a terrible time have really strong negative feelings about OLD and make blanket statements like "all men", "all women" and what they say is not even close to true. It is certainly true that they did not fare well but that in no way means that there are not any great people OLDing. It's easy to blame the tool and not the one wielding the tool.

 

I met a super attractive woman at a coffee shop in town. She approached me and we chatted and exchanged numbers. We talked and things went well, we set up a date, went out and I thought that I would rather have my skin flayed from my body than see her again. Holy chit! She was scary crazy!

 

I met a super attractive woman online. I messaged her. We chatted and exchanged numbers. We talked and things went well, we set up a date, went out and I had a friggin blast. We dated for a good bit after.

 

Surprises the hell out of me how anyone experiences any difference between OLD and IRL.

 

In the first example, she took a risk approaching, not knowing you were single, in the spur of the moment.

 

In the second example, you went through the motions of what every other single person does when on a dating site.

 

I'm mostly sane, but I still relate to the first example more. This could be cultural or how I'm wired.

 

I think it's ok to enjoy both processes, and I also think it's ok to prefer one over the other.

[Chilli]

I wouldn't necessarily say that being single for a long time doesn't mean anything. It mean may something completely different than in the past, but there are still good or bad reasons why somebody was single for a long time.

 

I would definitely want to find out the reason.

 

 

l've always wondered about this myself.

My gf had relationships but all short and l must admit that did worry me a bit.

Some people are just unlucky in love but yknow, there's probably reasons for others.

 

One of those 3 l did meet back when was such a sweetheart but 48 and never been married. l wondered for her too. Maybe it was her height she was tiny, although l thought that was really cool myself but maybe it bothered others.

Still wouldn't make sense though ,even in the way she wrote and talked on her profile , such a little sweetie.

Damn waste is all l can say.

l'd be open because anything can happen in life but l must admit l would rather she knew her way around a relationship and had had something very long term, even if it didn't work in the end.

 

My bro is 51 and he's only ever had one of a couple of yrs.Good lookin guy too and pretty comfortable these days.

He's been wanting to get married for yrs but l gotta admit, l can see why he's still single for a few big reasons.

One is he is def' unlucky in love.

You can see to he just has no effg idea about real relationships or marriage or kids and zero concept of the bending or give and take or the compromise it takes in any relationship long term.

 

Whenever he's complaining or finds a new love l always feel like just saying man, just cut a long story short and stay single , no way you'll cut it in any real relationship now.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Admittedly I skipped pages 2-8 of this thread.

 

OP - I'd consider giving a paid site like Match a whirl. Or maybe Bumble. If only to for the immediate experience of meeting men. Re entering dating life can be stressful and nerve wracking. You probably have only a limited number of friend referrals and other "organic" opportunities to meet men right? And that's how you said you'd rather it happen. So consider doing a bit of OLD to knock the rust off so that when those non-OLD opportunities occur you are completely ready for them.

 

Just as an FYI - I'm 45 (and a dude) and have had terrific OLD experiences. Great women. Like truly world class. One turned into a 2.5 year relationship that would have gone the distance if we had been able to live together. But it was an LDR (only could see each other 50% of the time) and the LD couldn't change for 6 years.

 

Best of luck!

 

 

Depending l mean it would have to be love , full on , no other love but if so l would've kept it. 6yrs , 50/50, that's not too bad and who knows what you might have been able to work out down the track way before 6yrs.

Dunno man , real love is damn hard to find.

[Chilli]

Yes, I'm sure it is possible to use it diligently and purposefully, and of course have fun with it - this makes rational sense and has been illustrated by many posters on here (which I'm grateful for).

 

I can't really put my finger on it, but there is something about the whole process that I find a bit cold and un-natural, perhaps because I'm not accustomed to it; or maybe I don't have the nerves for it.

 

 

Same here , although l can put my finger on it.

Trouble was and will be again now for me, l just wasn't getting out and about enough really. So it felt like l was gonna either sit there and fade away or at least meet some people if nothing else.

 

l use to think , but in the time l spent on that damn computer, if l went out even just one night a wk,, l'd be living real life and seeing more real women and mixing than l could in 6mths sitting at home on a date site.

Although for me it's never been about quantity, better of meeting one worthwhile than 20 time wasters. Imo anyway.

[Chilli]

You are correct. Unfortunately, it is the kind of behavior that is keeping me away from OLD though. It doesn't upset me but it can just turn into a gigantic waste of time and energy.

 

 

So what do you do then , what go out and stuff or just go about your life until you come across someone or what ?

 

Seems harder now , or maybe it's just me. Married 20yrs and all , new world out there now.

[OatsAndHall]

So what do you do then , what go out and stuff or just go about your life until you come across someone or what ?

 

Seems harder now , or maybe it's just me. Married 20yrs and all , new world out there now.

 

I just do the footwork and find dates out in the real world. I've had three dates this last week with a woman that I met through professional channels last fall. I'm a teacher and I do a lot of coaching so I find ways to meet and interact with women that way. Other teachers, female coaches and referees, etc..etc.. Someone mentioned volunteer work and that's an excellent route to go as well.

 

I trudged through the OLD scene for a long time after my divorce as I thought it would be a convenient way to meet women but it really wasn't. I had quite a few dates from it but it was time consuming and obnoxious. Send out a few dozen messages, get ten replies, chat with five women, and get a couple of dates..

 

I have told this story in other threads but I'll toss it out again here as it perfectly illustrates the OLD world. There is a cute nurse in the area that I messaged via Match and didn't get a response. She happens to be close friends with the mother of one of my students and this mother brought her to a basketball game I was coaching at. They approached me after the game and this nurse didn't recognize me from Match apparently. She started flattering me upside and down.

 

"Everyone around here says you're a good teacher and a lot of fun!"

"I know the kids just love you!"

 

She asked me if I would like to attend a community event with her but I turned her down as I was seeing someone at the time. The whole situation was just a riot... I couldn't get the time of day from her via Match for whatever reason but she was asking me out after talking for twenty minutes.