OLD in your 40s

[d0nnivain]

Besides clubs and bars what about real life... if bars were doing well.. why did you go on OLD

 

I wasn't going to clubs & bars because when I found myself single in my 30s, all my friends were coupled up so I had nobody to go out with & there aren't that many clubs & bars for 30 somethings. Plus I wasn't something more serious.

 

 

I occasionally met men through work but the weren't men I found attractive. I was open to getting fixed up.

 

 

I tried OLD. It was there. My aunt & cousin were also keen on it as a way to meet people.

 

 

When I realized I didn't like it, I made a greater effort to put myself out there. I attended singles events by myself. That was kind of scary at first. I worried about being labeled a loser because I didn't come with a friend. I got involved with a few singles groups -- one we played board games on Monday night; another where I could bring my dog. Right before I met my husband I had found a singles group where they match you up to play golf with somebody. I had been looking forward to trying that for the rounds if not the romance. I also made a point to look around at work (not my company but my field) events for single men.

 

 

Intellectually over 35 I understood meeting somebody was a numbers game & I wanted to maximize the # of people I was meeting.

 

 

To whoever asked, no I don't live in a big city but I do live about an hour outside of NYC.

[blockrockinbeat74]

I'm not naive or inexperienced but, in my opinion, if your attitude about online dating (or online introduction) is any different than that of "real life" dating, you are confused. OLD is really just online introduction. Dates happen in real life.

 

OLD sites are a concentrated version of real life if you think about it. You can meet the same great people as well as jerks any day of the week.

 

If you are not successful at OLD, you won't be any more successful IRL. We all know how this works...if you are Brad Pittly or Jennifer Anistonly, you are gonna have a great time. Yes, you can be smoking hot and still utilize OLD to meet people...

One of the problems that you may experience online may be the same thing that you experience in real life. You are an unattractive man/woman and you message a rather attractive woman/man and they reply. Score, right! Wrong. They may be just being polite. Sure, it's easy to simply not reply but I'm sure it's like saying "hello" to some people. The problem comes from someone reading too much into a simple message or two. Hence, the threads and posts about the horrors of OLD.

 

Even if you get a date with someone, there is no obligation for either of you to be swept off your feet. Meeting online has no bearing on the outcome.

 

Men get a bad rap from OLD but I can attest to just how sneaky and dishonest women can be. Having a buddy online with you the same time can be eye opening. If that sounds sneaky on our part, get over it. I'm very comfortable "testing" someone's intentions as well as having my own tested.

 

I personally think OLD is the bee's knee's. YMMV.

 

That's your prerogative, of course. I've never had any issue attracting men IRL, so that's where my preferences lie.

 

I have no expectations IRL (not looking to jump into a RL right away at all) and I don't think OLD is any different but as d0nnivain rightly picked up on (thanks for actually taking the time to read my posts without judgement, d0nnivain), my main issue is the multi-dating aspect of it - like I said earlier, it's not a self-esteem or a fear of rejection issue, it's just that I can only keep my focus on one guy at a time. That really doesn't mean I want anything more than to get to know them better - it's just how I roll.

[SevenCity]

Not being snarky at all but why have you not met someone IRL?

 

I apologize if you posted why and I have not taken the time to read that...

 

My experience is almost identical IRL as compared to OLD. I am more often the contactee than the contacter. I am comfortable either way but having someone approach you (especially as a man) is very flattering. I'm no player but I am single by choice. I will marry but I have no time frame to do that. To be honest, I am having a great time single.

 

If you truly messaged 150 guys and received only two replies...holy moly, something is terribly wrong! Maybe the website is down!

 

Again, not being a smart butt...but are you saying that you are a lesbian or something in your profile? That may be a turn-off to 148 out of 150 guys.

 

I feel like if I messaged 150 women, I would get 148 replies...

 

Wow you're my hero! You have a 98% success rate on old?!?

 

I've got about the same 2% success that most guys have. And I'm a good looking guy as per the women I date and have my life together (job, house, car, finances).

 

Please share your secret.

[Titanll]

Wow you're my hero! You have a 98% success rate on old?!?

 

I've got about the same 2% success that most guys have. And I'm a good looking guy as per the women I date and have my life together (job, house, car, finances).

 

Please share your secret.

 

 

Good looking, muscles, Louisville Slugger if you know what I mean.

 

That's pretty much it...that and I'm not a beta wimp that actually thinks that having his "life" together makes him stand out any more than the next guy that has his **** together. Guys like that are usually the ones with a 2% success rate in all aspects of their "together" lives. Guys like that make us 98% folks happy as hell.

 

But, I am in no way implying that that is your problem...maybe try a new hairstyle or something. I shave my head....

[Chilli]

Wasn't much point even being a good lookin guy on mine back when bc none of the women were either anyway. One now and then maybe.

Maybe it was just my area , dunno. Still ,l was scanning like a 2 or 3 hour radius come to think of it , well into a lot of other towns and a couple of small cities , same thing though.

 

Must admit , every time l'd see the line - "there must be attraction", l use to feel like emailing them and saying ahhh, you looked in the mirror or stood on scales in the last 20yrs love.

 

lf you do happen to be even a reasonably good looking guy man , sellin yourself way short even bothering with date sites from what l saw.

Or maybe that was just mine , dunno.

[Sweetfish]

I wasn't going to clubs & bars because when I found myself single in my 30s, all my friends were coupled up so I had nobody to go out with & there aren't that many clubs & bars for 30 somethings. Plus I wasn't something more serious.

 

 

I occasionally met men through work but the weren't men I found attractive. I was open to getting fixed up.

 

 

I tried OLD. It was there. My aunt & cousin were also keen on it as a way to meet people.

 

 

When I realized I didn't like it, I made a greater effort to put myself out there. I attended singles events by myself. That was kind of scary at first. I worried about being labeled a loser because I didn't come with a friend. I got involved with a few singles groups -- one we played board games on Monday night; another where I could bring my dog. Right before I met my husband I had found a singles group where they match you up to play golf with somebody. I had been looking forward to trying that for the rounds if not the romance. I also made a point to look around at work (not my company but my field) events for single men.

 

 

Intellectually over 35 I understood meeting somebody was a numbers game & I wanted to maximize the # of people I was meeting.

 

 

To whoever asked, no I don't live in a big city but I do live about an hour outside of NYC.

 

This is my point, you had to actively put your self out there. There are women and men who sit around expecting the opposite sex to approach them. Yes, if your in a bar or club the name of the game is to hook-up or find someone. Yes, if a woman makes a profile she will get tons on msgs. However, I know beautiful women who do not get hit on and its because they are unwilling to make the moves you made. OLD is like a bar or club its the platform for dating. But some people do not go to bars or clubs so now your meeting people on a platform thats not built for dating and that platform is the places you go to do your daily errands or public places . OLD is an alternative to clubs, parties, college or places were your chances of meeting someone is better. They are everyday average people who roam around real life as anyone else here... they are no less a person than anyone else.

 

But the ego driven idea that one can get any man easily is simply powered by the idea that they are using their sexuality and the thrist of horny men to dictate they are doing just fine. Its this unlimited supply of men that brings a slight arrogrance to many young women today until they find out at 35 and over most men on both IRL and OLD will not fit the requirements they seek and the effort tonfind a S.O. man or woman gets harder.

 

I respect the OP as she stated she mostly seek a connection. There is enough information out for men to know how to exploit a female, her feelings, and use her and its done on both platforms. On OLD I think many people want it all and thats where it fails.. they require an instant connection.

 

Eventually, club and bars will get old and you will be projected back into reality, the reality that men or women are not chasing them. Getting Jaded off one platform and going to another doesn't change human nor gender dynamics... they are simply hidden more IRL. In my opinion.

 

OLD and people have changed a lot in 10 years.. Social media and the way people connect has changed as well as dating.

 

Again good luck to those on IRL and OLD ?

[SevenCity]

Good looking, muscles, Louisville Slugger if you know what I mean.

 

That's pretty much it...that and I'm not a beta wimp that actually thinks that having his "life" together makes him stand out any more than the next guy that has his **** together. Guys like that are usually the ones with a 2% success rate in all aspects of their "together" lives. Guys like that make us 98% folks happy as hell.

 

But, I am in no way implying that that is your problem...maybe try a new hairstyle or something. I shave my head....

 

So I'm a beta whimp because I don't live with my parents?

 

You do sound very tough over the Internet.

[Titanll]

So I'm a beta whimp because I don't live with my parents?

 

You do sound very tough over the Internet.

 

Just like OLD and IRL...I'm the same in both.

 

Oh, don't get butt hurt. I'm sure that you are a great guy. You seemed a little pissy at my post. I have good luck dating regardless of how I meet the woman.

 

My point is that if your success in dating is based upon the fact that you are independent, good luck. I'm 41 and not sure of your age but at mine, independence is a given and hoping that you are at the top of the doo doo pile based on that is not going to get you very far.

 

Plus, if you don't have my success rate, not that we have quantified that, that's your problem, not mine.

 

Peace and good luck

[act00]

My experience - mainly just enjoy it. It's frustrating, and I have taken breaks, but it has been enjoyable to get out, meet someone, have a drink/coffee, maybe food, maybe a movie or other activity. Some smooching and affection.

Like any dating, there are a LOT of frogs.

 

I have had men text, but never seem to want to meet.

Men plan a date and bail last minute.

Men don't show.

They only want sex.

A few dick picks.

 

Frustration is biggest when you really seem to hit it off, and they drop off the planet and totally ghost you. I have fallen into bed too early because things just go so well, and then they're gone. This is risky behavior, so just don't, but what's really difficult is that you go out a few times, everything is going well, you feel safe, and they disappear.

 

I have had perpetual texters - they never seem to want/have the time to meet.

I have had men plan dates and bail at the last minute. Plan a second date, second bail.

I have been stood up.

I have had men who state they want a relationship, but really it's about the sex.

I've had first dates and even second dates go exceptionally well (IMO) only to have them ghost me.

I have had multiple dates seem to go exceptionally well only to have them ghost me.

I have slept with a couple because things are going so well...and <poof> gone. Risky behavior, and how do you judge when everything is going so well?

There are some weirdos.

A couple dick picks.

 

Funny though, a big ghoster was someone I met and talked to in person, platonically. It turns out he was interested and asked me out. We went out a few times, then ghosted. So really there are no guarantees, whether OLD or IRL.

 

I have not been inundated with 100's of 1000's of emails from men. I do find there to be an ebb and flow where you get dry spells, and then multiple emails, and you start to panic a little because you don't have the time to see and juggle them all, but it all seems to work out, as some are just really only into texting and never get around to planning a date. What really sucks is when you push back a date for later because you already committed, and they disappear, but what can you do?

 

I take breaks. At some point, you just have to if it's just not working out. Jump back in after a breather.

 

My search is very narrow, so I don't get a lot of new men show up on my list, but it's very important to me to have someone who lives close enough we can actually see each other. I have no desire to have to plan a 2-hour round trip. This doesn't stop people from all over the place to write you. I have attempted to meet, but the distance is a major issue for me, and it doesn't work out. They determine the distance to be an issue as well.

 

Just enjoy it. It's worth a try. If OLD doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

[BikerAccnt]

[quote=Cookiesandough;7284624

If your life is busy with activities that afford you no opportunities to meet women or at least interesting, eligible ones and you are seeking a woman then I can understand how online dating would be very appealing.

 

I have some difficulty seeing how that could be, and if your plate were that full, how you find time to date. But it's possible.

 

 

It's not that it's so busy, what I meant is, even if you are busy in various social circles, you are limited by the amount of available people in those circles. If you've already dated someone from that circle, you don't want to get a reputation of only hanging out there to get dates!

 

It also depends upon what it is you like to do. I'm also 56 (currently have a GF btw - who I met on OLD, 9 mos now.) and the amount of unmarried eligible women I'd run into just out and about is rather slim. I don't drink or hang at bars these days so its much easier to OLD. Not that many in my MC club, my gym, or anywhere else I frequent. As I said, OLD just expands your range and options. People who's path's you'd otherwise never cross.

[leogirl876]

I just turned 40 and I'll never do OLD ever again!!! I tried real OLD sites, not talking about Tinder or Adult Friend Finder, I did Match and eHarmony and over all, the men I met were mostly jerks or psycho's! I think men use OLD for hookups only, even the paid sites. I did find one guy, after weeding through several and going out for 4 months, come to find out, he had another girlfriend and I became a side person without knowing it until the end. I know all this can happen IRL, but I've never had the dating problems I've had until I joined OLD. After I graduate from grad school, I'm going to join groups, like Alumni groups and stuff and see if I can meet someone that way. If I don't, I'm going to be ok with being single. But I'd caution anyone trying OLD, if you're just looking to serial date and looking for fun, then OLD is fine, if you're looking for serious relationship like I am, then it's extremely had to find. I've heard this over & over from other people, so I know it's not just me.

[Chilli]

This take your pick unlimited supply thing is a crock of sh@t and any guy with 1/2 a brain should stop spreading that bs.

Any of the girls l met were by far the pick of the crop yet most of them were exhausted and burned out from the whole date site thing.

Some were still single after 10 yrs, usually after strings of little quickie dead end rubbish , mth here , 3mths there.

That's reality.

It's no easier for a women to find a "real" and lasting relationship than a guy at the end of the day and people really should just stop spreading the bs , and the weird thing is it's usually guys saying it.

Then they turn around and wonder why the girls are so arrogant on date sites.

Well they go on there shooting for the stars no matter what they look like and have to offer bc they're believing the bull****.

Edited April 14, 2017 by Chilli

[blockrockinbeat74]

If she expects to find a relationship in 30 days she may be in for a disappointment. It rarely happens. I've seen it happen but that was extraordinary luck. I have to say though, if you are over 40, are skinny, don't have addictions and don't have any children you find someone faster than average.

 

That is, if you are also not very picky about "fireworks", looks, expect to find men with no children and other expectations that put you in a very narrow niche.

 

I don't have any addictions or convictions, I'm not skinny (nor am I overweight, if that matters - I'm simply normal), no expectations, not fussy on looks (I'm more drawn to a man's body language and general demeanour), no 'fireworks' required (other than natural mutual attraction), I have children but I have no preferences as to whether the guy is childless or not (I suspect most child-free people will want to stick with similar though, which is somewhat understandable if a bit short-sighted maybe).

 

The 'only' thing I won't be flexible on is a man's good character, and the fact I have to be physically attracted to him (obviously).

 

I have spent more time this morning looking at a few profiles but they all look a bit samey / bland to me.

[Spring23]

I don't have any addictions or convictions, I'm not skinny (nor am I overweight, if that matters - I'm simply normal), no expectations, not fussy on looks (I'm more drawn to a man's body language and general demeanour), no 'fireworks' required (other than natural mutual attraction), I have children but I have no preferences as to whether the guy is childless or not (I suspect most child-free people will want to stick with similar though, which is somewhat understandable if a bit short-sighted maybe).

 

The 'only' thing I won't be flexible on is a man's good character, and the fact I have to be physically attracted to him (obviously).

 

I have spent more time this morning looking at a few profiles but they all look a bit samey / bland to me.

 

You sound like a nice person. Don't do OLD. If you don't care so much about looks but are focused on character then real life is a better way to judge. Online, people can hide their character easily.

 

For good, quality men you'll need to get involved in lots of activities. You'll need to attend some sort of religious gathering even if you're not that religious. Do lots of volunteer work and get the word out amongst your friends of your relationship goals.

[CptInsano]

I have spent more time this morning looking at a few profiles but they all look a bit samey / bland to me.

 

That is normal, and interesting profiles are rare. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the person behind the profile is bland. I think most people just don't know what to write.

[Chilli]

Strangest thing.

 

You know ,l just went into my 2 old date sites, first time in a few yrs.

Although , sadly , gf and l aren't gonna work out and l hate to think but, l may be back on them myself when l feel ready.

But l am bloody amazed. The only 3 girls l actually went to meet in person, talked to a lot but really, wasting my time with the rest or , they thought they were with me one or the other.

But l sh@t you not, all 3, are still on it. Anddd l also saw 2 of them still on the other one that l'd joined back then too.

 

A lot of people l could understand it but these 3 l would have thought be snapped up quick smart. All seemed like great girls and all 3 very special people and very cute, not for me but great ladies.

l truly am amazed and l know that would make from memory 7 or 8yrs single for 2 of them, the other one l can't remember what her sitch had been.

You know what though , one actually now says this on her profile.

"Apparently l must be extremely ugly so l'm giving up"

She was gorgeous and not only but one of the nicest people you could ever meet.

 

All l can say is, what a waste, of all 3.

[Chilli]

That is normal, and interesting profiles are rare. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the person behind the profile is bland. I think most people just don't know what to write.

 

Don't think it matters as most of them don't even seem to read it anyway.

Someone else on LS was saying the other day and l found the same thing.

Our most successful profiles only had a few lines on them. My best was only 3 or 4 lines.

 

Another strange thing was , in the what your looking for box.

l started of with a couple of lines about her in that.

But one day l went to edit it and accidentally left it with only one word in it and l didn't realize.

 

That one word was " loyalty".

But guess what l started getting emails by the bucket load..

There was still stuff in the other section also so they were still basically the type l was looking for but yeah, in the main box just that one word and it went off.

So there ya go, go figure.

[Spring23]

Strangest thing.

 

You know ,l just went into my 2 old date sites, first time in a few yrs.

Although , sadly , gf and l aren't gonna work out and l hate to think but, l may be back on them myself when l feel ready.

But l am bloody amazed. The only 3 girls l actually went to meet in person, talked to a lot but really, wasting my time with the rest or , they thought they were with me one or the other.

But l sh@t you not, all 3, are still on it. Anddd l also saw 2 of them still on the other one that l'd joined back then too.

 

A lot of people l could understand it but these 3 l would have thought be snapped up quick smart. All seemed like great girls and all 3 very special people and very cute, not for me but great ladies.

l truly am amazed and l know that would make from memory 7 or 8yrs single for 2 of them, the other one l can't remember what her sitch had been.

You know what though , one actually now says this on her profile.

"Apparently l must be extremely ugly so l'm giving up"

She was gorgeous and not only but one of the nicest people you could ever meet.

 

All l can say is, what a waste, of all 3.

 

 

It might have something to do with the platform; social media being so immediate yet so shallow. Maybe at first these women thought the attention and quantity was exciting but then proved unfulfilling. (I could be wrong. Just guessing.)

[CptInsano]

A lot of people l could understand it but these 3 l would have thought be snapped up quick smart. All seemed like great girls and all 3 very special people and very cute, not for me but great ladies.

l truly am amazed and l know that would make from memory 7 or 8yrs single for 2 of them, the other one l can't remember what her sitch had been.

You know what though , one actually now says this on her profile.

"Apparently l must be extremely ugly so l'm giving up"

She was gorgeous and not only but one of the nicest people you could ever meet.

 

All l can say is, what a waste, of all 3.

 

I remember a TV interview with a marketing executive for a European dating site, or rather a set of dating sites. She said that they initially focused on new members, as they thought people would form relationships and no longer need their services.

 

That was not the case. Most customers would remain active or develop cyclic patterns indicating 1-2 year relationships. Now they are focusing mainly on customer retention and winning previous customers back.

 

I wouldn't be surprised by long-term members at all.

[Popsicle]

Its baffling to me why this topic always causes such polarized debates here.

[CptInsano]

Its baffling to me why this topic always causes such polarized debates here.

 

Why does it surprise you? People seem to have very different experiences on OLD, and I find it fascinating because I can't quite figure out why.

[Mrin]

Admittedly I skipped pages 2-8 of this thread.

 

OP - I'd consider giving a paid site like Match a whirl. Or maybe Bumble. If only to for the immediate experience of meeting men. Re entering dating life can be stressful and nerve wracking. You probably have only a limited number of friend referrals and other "organic" opportunities to meet men right? And that's how you said you'd rather it happen. So consider doing a bit of OLD to knock the rust off so that when those non-OLD opportunities occur you are completely ready for them.

 

Just as an FYI - I'm 45 (and a dude) and have had terrific OLD experiences. Great women. Like truly world class. One turned into a 2.5 year relationship that would have gone the distance if we had been able to live together. But it was an LDR (only could see each other 50% of the time) and the LD couldn't change for 6 years.

 

Best of luck!

[OatsAndHall]

I have never had a date with a woman in her forties via OLD (I'm 36) but I can tell you my experiences:

 

1. The majority of these women on OLD know what they want from a date and a significant other. This can be good or it can be bad, depending on the guy. They are pretty straight-forward about what they are looking for and it's usually clear on their profile. I have run across a few forty+ year old women on OLD who had profiles that were well-written and it looked like we had a lot in common. But, I only got a few responses from them and not a single date..

 

2. Chances are that an older woman on OLD has been through the trials and turmoils of life. They're usually divorced, they have older kids and have their bumps and bruises from life. Some guys view this as baggage but I think it's a plus because they seem to have a realistic outlook on life and dating in general.

 

3. The OLD spinsters I have come across have almost always been forty+ years old. I chatted with one for a bit who was 43 years old and certainly looked her age. She was a beautiful woman but you surely wouldn't mistake her for someone older. We had a few good conversations but she shot a date down because she didn't like my goatee or long hair (cut at the middle of my ear..). It was frustrating but I wished her well. This was two years a go. I had gradually reduced my time on OLD over this space of time and hopped on there a few months ago to hide my profile and saw that she was still alive and kicking on the site. She was always on the site when I first met her and it doesn't appear as if anything has changed.

[Spring23]

 

3. The OLD spinsters I have come across have almost always been forty+ years old. I chatted with one for a bit who was 43 years old and certainly looked her age. She was a beautiful woman but you surely wouldn't mistake her for someone older. We had a few good conversations but she shot a date down because she didn't like my goatee or long hair (cut at the middle of my ear..). It was frustrating but I wished her well. This was two years a go. I had gradually reduced my time on OLD over this space of time and hopped on there a few months ago to hide my profile and saw that she was still alive and kicking on the site. She was always on the site when I first met her and it doesn't appear as if anything has changed.

 

Maybe she's married and likes to chat with single people. It seems lots of married people do this.

 

I'm in my 40's and to be referred to as a spinster is depressing. I mean, I'm married so I'm not a spinster but if I was single then I'd be a spinster??? It's such a mean term. Can a man over forty be considered a spinster?

[BaileyB]

Maybe she's married and likes to chat with single people. It seems lots of married people do this.

 

I'm in my 40's and to be referred to as a spinster is depressing. I mean, I'm married so I'm not a spinster but if I was single then I'd be a spinster??? It's such a mean term. Can a man over forty be considered a spinster?

 

Agreed. That term needed to be retired in the last century... It's so disrespectful to women.

 

I once had a phone conversation with a guy I met on a dating site... He told me that after a certain age, women fell into two categories - divorced with baggage (children, bitterness towards men) or never been married but so set in her ways that she has a difficult time compromising in a relationship. He wanted to know which category described me - he was such a jerk! He didn't make it past the phone call to the coffee date;).

 

Having been single for a long time but now in a relationship with a wonderful man, I would say that just because a woman is older and never married doesn't necessarily mean anything anymore. Women have so many more opportunities these days... they have our own careers, great friends, opportunities to travel... People delay marriage and children for so many reasons - not the least of which being that dating and meeting the right person has never been more challenging...