OLD in your 40s

[limited]

I'm 40, and I have been off and on on OLD. From my experience, it's terrible.

 

I felt disposable. No matter how wonderful I think I am, the guy on OLD always thinks he can do better even though he is not the greatest catch. I feel like I'm not treated as a human being. It's like a shopping website. Don't like that shirt at that price? No problem, just keep looking.

 

Date #1 - went on four dates with him. He already tells me how much he likes me and wants to be exclusive with me. What do I find out? He's online while he's also texting me at night and later denies it. If things go wrong in person, no problem. Instead of apologizing for lying, he'll just jump back online and find someone else.

 

Date #2 - Thought date went well, but not perfect. I don't get a follow up message from him at all. He just goes back online. There was no thank you for a date. Nothing. He even told me he just broke off a 4 year relationship that had no issues (according to him) and they met online. He jumps back online right away to find a similar or better experience, he says.

 

I think online dating and social media period has ruined humanity.

[Miss Spider]

I'm 40, and I have been off and on on OLD. From my experience, it's terrible.

 

I felt disposable. No matter how wonderful I think I am, the guy on OLD always thinks he can do better even though he is not the greatest catch. I feel like I'm not treated as a human being. It's like a shopping website. Don't like that shirt at that price? No problem, just keep looking.

 

Date #1 - went on four dates with him. He already tells me how much he likes me and wants to be exclusive with me. What do I find out? He's online while he's also texting me at night and later denies it. If things go wrong in person, no problem. Instead of apologizing for lying, he'll just jump back online and find someone else.

 

Date #2 - Thought date went well, but not perfect. I don't get a follow up message from him at all. He just goes back online. There was no thank you for a date. Nothing. He even told me he just broke off a 4 year relationship that had no issues (according to him) and they met online. He jumps back online right away to find a similar or better experience, he says.

 

I think online dating and social media period has ruined humanity.

 

Yeah. I think that's a major problem with OLD for both genders. It really takes a lot of the humanity out of dating. It's the successor of the backpage personal ads "SWM seeking SF" Then they might list the requirements. This is not ideally how humans interact and ascertain attraction which is why you really have to make a career out of it ..like 200 dates or screening 900 people.. unless you get lucky or youre desperate. There's just so much essential to attraction you can't tell online, so people go on there with a general idea, reach around in the dark, so to speak, and if you don't meet that ideal, it's back to the site/app because there are plenty more.

 

Another thingI'd imagine is the the few people attracted to online dating who are as OP said (confident, attractive, genuine etc), are extremely. picky. Like seeking a person that they cannot get or does not exist...So they search for this elusive person online as well

Edited April 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[blockrockinbeat74]

Yes and no. Depends on what dating platform you use.

 

Gaeta is pretty much on point in regards to what she is saying. As a woman you make a profile and the messages will roll in. On a platform like OLD your looks and pictures are a defining fact.

 

Are you looking for a boyfriend, life partner, or just to date and have fun?

 

Fun times are easy enough to find IRL but at this point in my life, I'm open to a life partnership with a compatible guy.

 

I've had a quick look at various platforms and they all look a bit similar to me, but then again I don't know the first thing about OLD - if you have any suggestions, feel free to share them (I'm in Northern Europe, if that helps).

[Spring23]

Fun times are easy enough to find IRL but at this point in my life, I'm open to a life partnership with a compatible guy.

 

I've had a quick look at various platforms and they all look a bit similar to me, but then again I don't know the first thing about OLD - if you have any suggestions, feel free to share them (I'm in Northern Europe, if that helps).

 

To add my two cents I don't feel Gaeta isn't trying to preach or pressure you in any way to do online dating. She's simply saying sometimes it works so maybe try it, or don't, it's up to you.

 

When I was dating (OMG I sound like I'm 95) I found going on dates fun but sort of depressing. I sort of enjoyed the food and alcohol more than I did the dates. It was nice going out and not having to worry about paying the bill. Some of the guys I liked most I didn't. I hated rejection. I wanted to meet someone to settle down with and make a life together. It eventually happened.

 

Right now you need to give yourself every opportunity to meet someone. Maybe make an online dating profile but only check it once in a while. Get friends to set you up on dates. That is how I met my husband.

[Sweetfish]

I guess I should have mentioned the first step to talking to women - meeting them .I maintain that most men online struggle with women and really want one.

 

If your life is busy with activities that afford you no opportunities to meet women or at least interesting, eligible ones and you are seeking a woman then I can understand how online dating would be very appealing.

 

I have some difficulty seeing how that could be, and if your plate were that full, how you find time to date. But it's possible.

AND SO DO WOMEN.

You're still having difficulties "still" understanding what has happened.

 

Woman continue to reject men waiting for a golden ticket... this either put fear into men collectively or basically its not worth the squeeze to approach you.

 

And as entitled as you may feel that you want US to do the foot work... many female members in their 40's and 50's will tell you straight up and I read it many times here. That when they find their man they are happy and will not LEAVE him for anything...BECAUSE THEY KNOW there isn't *** out there and im willing to bet they didn't have this mentality when they were 20 or 30.. As you surpass 35 or 40, OLD will look more promising for you as the nightlife scene and bars/clubs may get old. You may just want to go to work, do your errands and relax on the weekend.

 

I still confused to why you think men should be approaching women IRL...

 

I think women would HATE that.. could you imagine?

Having 20-30 guys approaching you every day. Trust me the delete button is a lesser evil.

 

Using your sexuality/gender and waiting for men to come after you will leave you impaired in the long run if you are not socially strong and confident. If still interested in men and relationships, it will be you who will feel awkward and uncomfortable approaching men.. because they may never approach you ever... because your simply just another passing person.

 

I give + points to the OP for saying

 

I have no real preferences in terms of physical appearances (I like sexy, confident men of any height, shape or size) or jobs, I'm highly educated but don't require the same level of education in a guy, so long as he is driven and has professional goals,

 

I wish her all the best and beware more NPDs

[SevenCity]

Most people struggle with rejection.

 

Women don't handle rejection like guys can. The scary with OLD is the guy can reject you when you meet. If you meet IRL and they guy asks you out you know he already likes you.

 

This is why few women message guys first (that and they don't have to).

 

That's why it's important to use pics that accurately represent you and your body. Most rejections of women stem from old / thin pics.

 

Take great, but accurate pics. Rejection will be a lot less frequent if your personality is good.

[Miss Spider]

Since I've been getting out even a bit more I've been having no problem meeting men IRL, Sweet fish. Thanks. And I plan to do it even more.

 

If online dating works for you and you find your type of person there, the more power to you. It's just not my cup o tea. And I explain why

Edited April 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Sweetfish]

Since I've been getting out even a bit more I've been having no problem meeting men IRL, Sweet fish. Thanks. And I plan to do it even more.

 

If online dating works for you and you find your type of person there, the more power to you. It's just not my cup o tea. And I explain why

 

Again... never said you will have no problems now

 

It is you who critized ppl who use online methods.

 

And the people who approach IRL can have ill intentions as well.

 

Good luck

[Miss Spider]

My issue with online dating or dating in general has never been ill intentions. I used to have a lot more problems getting men I want to approach in person, but lately I've been lucky. Also being a little more open/friendly helps. Thanks.

 

Good luck on your dating journey, OP. Whatever path(s) you choose.

[d0nnivain]

blockrockingbeat74

 

 

I know nothing of Northern Europe. I did a quick Google search for the best OL dating sites in your area. I found a list by the Daily Telegraph. Most of the cites named where the standard industry giants. One said it was geared to Northern Europe: www.datingdirect.com Again I know nothing about it but you seem to live in its target market which to me indicates that it would a superior site for you as opposed to sited geared toward the US, that simply have European options.

 

 

My advice is try it for 30 days. See what happens. If you like it, you found a new tool. If you hate it, you stop using it. Done intelligently & thoughtfully it could be a good experiment for you. At least for me, it made me more appreciative of the quality men I met IRL.

 

 

Again, I didn't meet bad guys through OLD; e-harmony delivered what it promised me: well educated men with good jobs who seemed like good matches for me on paper. The men just didn't get my motor running but they were accomplished interesting guys. By profession of the ones where we got through the cites layers & were able to talk to each other, I was matched with 3 lawyers; 2 engineers; and 2 entrepreneurs over the course of my 90 day membership. I only met 2 IRL. I tried to make dates with 2 others but we couldn't get past the logistics / our respective busy jobs. I was sent about 5-10 matches per day. 2-3 guys would message me per day & I'd message maybe 1-2 per day. I honestly don't think more than 2-3 of the guys I reached out for ever got back to me. One who did get back to me almost immediately said we were too far away from each other to even try meeting. Hence the whole process felt like more rejection then I had ever experienced.

 

 

You have nothing to lose by trying. It will put you in touch with men you might not otherwise contact. That is a good thing.

[kendahke]

I'm 40, and I have been off and on on OLD. From my experience, it's terrible.

 

I felt disposable. No matter how wonderful I think I am, the guy on OLD always thinks he can do better even though he is not the greatest catch. I feel like I'm not treated as a human being. It's like a shopping website. Don't like that shirt at that price? No problem, just keep looking.

 

Everyone is entitled to their preferences.

 

You are entitled to turn down/reject anyone you feel wouldn't be a good fit, right? You're not obliged to fulfill anyone's dreams of you as their girlfriend as if you have no say so in the matter, right? Same with men. They don't owe you a relationship just because you have interest and vice versa.

 

If you feel disposable, that's something you've agreed to buy into. If you know you're not, then you're not going to give yourself permission to feel that way or to allow anyone near you who buttresses those feelings.

 

Date #1 - went on four dates with him. He already tells me how much he likes me and wants to be exclusive with me. What do I find out? He's online while he's also texting me at night and later denies it. If things go wrong in person, no problem. Instead of apologizing for lying, he'll just jump back online and find someone else.

 

depending on the app being used, even though you clear your screen of the app, it's still on and says you're on UNLESS YOU GO INTO THE SETTINGS OF THE APP AND LOG YOURSELF OUT. I just had to go do that recently--and I'm not on the dating app all the time, but I was also not logged out of it, so it showed me as being online.

 

So, no, he wasn't lying and therefore had nothing to apologize for. Chances are, he wasn't on the app as you accused him. It was running in the background on his phone which shows him being online and it didn't occur to him to go into his settings and log off.

 

 

Date #2 - Thought date went well, but not perfect. I don't get a follow up message from him at all. He just goes back online. There was no thank you for a date. Nothing. He even told me he just broke off a 4 year relationship that had no issues (according to him) and they met online. He jumps back online right away to find a similar or better experience, he says.

 

I think online dating and social media period has ruined humanity.

 

As he had a right to do. He wasn't in a relationship with you. One date does not mean one is obligated to the other person unless you two came to an agreement before you parted company that that was the agreed upon plan.

 

No, unrealistic expectations hoisted upon involvements which haven't developed the legs to run the marathon that relationships require are the problem.

 

Those are examples of some extremely unrealistic notions of what OLD entails.

[Titanll]

I'm not naive or inexperienced but, in my opinion, if your attitude about online dating (or online introduction) is any different than that of "real life" dating, you are confused. OLD is really just online introduction. Dates happen in real life.

 

OLD sites are a concentrated version of real life if you think about it. You can meet the same great people as well as jerks any day of the week.

 

If you are not successful at OLD, you won't be any more successful IRL. We all know how this works...if you are Brad Pittly or Jennifer Anistonly, you are gonna have a great time. Yes, you can be smoking hot and still utilize OLD to meet people...

One of the problems that you may experience online may be the same thing that you experience in real life. You are an unattractive man/woman and you message a rather attractive woman/man and they reply. Score, right! Wrong. They may be just being polite. Sure, it's easy to simply not reply but I'm sure it's like saying "hello" to some people. The problem comes from someone reading too much into a simple message or two. Hence, the threads and posts about the horrors of OLD.

 

Even if you get a date with someone, there is no obligation for either of you to be swept off your feet. Meeting online has no bearing on the outcome.

 

Men get a bad rap from OLD but I can attest to just how sneaky and dishonest women can be. Having a buddy online with you the same time can be eye opening. If that sounds sneaky on our part, get over it. I'm very comfortable "testing" someone's intentions as well as having my own tested.

 

I personally think OLD is the bee's knee's. YMMV.

[d0nnivain]

Those are examples of some extremely unrealistic notions of what OLD entails.

 

 

I read limited's post as showing she was expecting politeness but didn't get it. Guy one made it seem like he was only dating her but he was multi-dating. He's allowed & it should be expected but it's tough when the other person makes it seem like they are not multi-dating. Date 2, it would have been nicer if that guy said no thanks rather than ghosting.

 

 

While people do lie & ghost IRL & OLD gets a bad wrap for that, it's easier to be "mean" to people when the initial connection is through the computer. It's not as real & people figure they are less likely to bump into someone, since they never did before.

 

 

OLD by it's nature initially is casual & transitory (see the rise of Tinder). I repeatedly read that blockrockingbeat74 is uncomfortable about that because its not her style. I suspect that is why people who know her well advice against OLD for her.

[blockrockinbeat74]

blockrockingbeat74

 

 

I know nothing of Northern Europe. I did a quick Google search for the best OL dating sites in your area. I found a list by the Daily Telegraph. Most of the cites named where the standard industry giants. One said it was geared to Northern Europe: www.datingdirect.com Again I know nothing about it but you seem to live in its target market which to me indicates that it would a superior site for you as opposed to sited geared toward the US, that simply have European options.

 

 

My advice is try it for 30 days. See what happens. If you like it, you found a new tool. If you hate it, you stop using it. Done intelligently & thoughtfully it could be a good experiment for you. At least for me, it made me more appreciative of the quality men I met IRL.

 

 

Again, I didn't meet bad guys through OLD; e-harmony delivered what it promised me: well educated men with good jobs who seemed like good matches for me on paper. The men just didn't get my motor running but they were accomplished interesting guys. By profession of the ones where we got through the cites layers & were able to talk to each other, I was matched with 3 lawyers; 2 engineers; and 2 entrepreneurs over the course of my 90 day membership. I only met 2 IRL. I tried to make dates with 2 others but we couldn't get past the logistics / our respective busy jobs. I was sent about 5-10 matches per day. 2-3 guys would message me per day & I'd message maybe 1-2 per day. I honestly don't think more than 2-3 of the guys I reached out for ever got back to me. One who did get back to me almost immediately said we were too far away from each other to even try meeting. Hence the whole process felt like more rejection then I had ever experienced.

 

 

You have nothing to lose by trying. It will put you in touch with men you might not otherwise contact. That is a good thing.

 

Thanks for the suggestion! I'd never heard of that particular site - I'll look into it when I have more time.

[d0nnivain]

If you are not successful at OLD, you won't be any more successful IRL.

 

I personally think OLD is the bee's knee's. YMMV.

 

 

My mileage definitely varied. IRL it was rare indeed that I didn't get hit on when I went out. Yet, night after night I felt rejected constantly on OLD. Over the course of 90 days I probably messaged at least 150 men; 2 wrote back to me. Those are pretty terrible odds, especially for a woman who rarely left a bar without a date or phone # if I wanted one.

[kendahke]

I read limited's post as showing she was expecting politeness but didn't get it.

 

her date #2, yes, but he still has every right to get back on OLD and look if she didn't pique his interest. Heck, that's happened to me more times than I can recount, but it's his loss, not mine.

 

other than that, I stand by what I said

[Gaeta]

I am learning OP is from Northern Europe?

 

My boyfriend is from France. Over there it's in their culture to approach a lady in public and ladies are prepared for it.

 

When he moved to Canada and decided he'd like to meet someone he first used the French method and he got a lot of rejection as it's not in our culture to be cold approached. His friends explained to him if he wants to meet a woman he has better luck online.

 

He got himself online. He spoke with a few women but I was the only one he met and we've been together 1,5 year.

 

All this to tell you that my BF was from a different line of thinking. At 49 he had never been on a dating site in his life, he was ready to approach women in public as he was used to but our culture here is not in that frame of mind. Even though he had no faith in online he still gave it a try and what do you know! he falls for the first woman he meets face to face.

 

OP if you are from Europe I understand your resistance to online. If you are still living in Europe, if it's part of your culture to approach each other then you don't need online.

[BluEyeL]

Even this shouldn't be that hard or scary. If you're ultimately looking for somebody compatible, and the other person isn't interested in you, it just means you're not compatible!

 

And interesting that many people find it hard to be rejected, but really think nothing of rejecting people they aren't interested in...it's the same thing!

 

That's true. In hindsight, none of the guys I was bummed about not liking me were compatible. Now it's clear because hindsight is 20/20. You only get it when you meet someone truly compatible. In the moment you're bummed. Or at least i was.

[Titanll]

My mileage definitely varied. IRL it was rare indeed that I didn't get hit on when I went out. Yet, night after night I felt rejected constantly on OLD. Over the course of 90 days I probably messaged at least 150 men; 2 wrote back to me. Those are pretty terrible odds, especially for a woman who rarely left a bar without a date or phone # if I wanted one.

 

Not being snarky at all but why have you not met someone IRL?

 

I apologize if you posted why and I have not taken the time to read that...

 

My experience is almost identical IRL as compared to OLD. I am more often the contactee than the contacter. I am comfortable either way but having someone approach you (especially as a man) is very flattering. I'm no player but I am single by choice. I will marry but I have no time frame to do that. To be honest, I am having a great time single.

 

If you truly messaged 150 guys and received only two replies...holy moly, something is terribly wrong! Maybe the website is down!

 

Again, not being a smart butt...but are you saying that you are a lesbian or something in your profile? That may be a turn-off to 148 out of 150 guys.

 

I feel like if I messaged 150 women, I would get 148 replies...

[BluEyeL]

My mileage definitely varied. IRL it was rare indeed that I didn't get hit on when I went out. Yet, night after night I felt rejected constantly on OLD. Over the course of 90 days I probably messaged at least 150 men; 2 wrote back to me. Those are pretty terrible odds, especially for a woman who rarely left a bar without a date or phone # if I wanted one.

 

See, i never emailed men. I just viewed their profile to make myself visible. And those who saw I viewed them and were interested messaged me. So rejection happened only after we went out.

 

I started to see it as a game at some point. What can I do to go to the second date? The first 5 months I rarely moved to second or if I did I didn't move to third. Between 1 year and 1.5 years of OLD I had perfected my technique and had 100% call back for a second date. I didn't get any hotter.

[d0nnivain]

Not being snarky at all but why have you not met someone IRL?...

 

 

I've been happily married for over 9 years. My OLD experience was about 12-13 years ago. I had just come out of a 10+ year relationship where we lived together & then a 2 year relationship with a guy I reconnected with who I had gone to HS with but we hadn't known each other then. I had never been single out of an academic environment. Although I had many friends they were all coupled up so there were limited choices of people to go out with as I found myself single in my mid 30s. So I tried OLD but didn't care for it. Being so uncomfortable with OLD, I stopped & forced myself to be more proactive about dating IRL. I then met my now husband at an event where I also met 2 other men. I went on 1 date with all 3 at different times, then only dated my husband.

[BluEyeL]

blockrockingbeat74

 

 

My advice is try it for 30 days. See what happens. If you like it, you found a new tool. If you hate it, you stop using it. .

 

If she expects to find a relationship in 30 days she may be in for a disappointment. It rarely happens. I've seen it happen but that was extraordinary luck. I have to say though, if you are over 40, are skinny, don't have addictions and don't have any children you find someone faster than average.

 

That is, if you are also not very picky about "fireworks", looks, expect to find men with no children and other expectations that put you in a very narrow niche.

[d0nnivain]

If she expects to find a relationship in 30 days she may be in for a disappointment. It rarely happens. I've seen it happen but that was extraordinary luck. I have to say though, if you are over 40, are skinny, don't have addictions and don't have any children you find someone faster than average.

 

That is, if you are also not very picky about "fireworks", looks, expect to find men with no children and other expectations that put you in a very narrow niche.

 

 

You misunderstand. My advice was for the OP to commit being on OLD for 30 days to see if she likes the system / the process / the game. If it works for her she can use the tool as she sees fit. If after 30 days it was more draining then helpful, she can get off the cite. I just don't want her to try it for a week then quit.

 

 

If I gave the impression that I thought she'd find Mr. Right that quickly I apologize. That was not supposed to be my message .

 

 

Only that 30 days would give her an overview of how it all works.

[Miss Spider]

My mileage definitely varied. IRL it was rare indeed that I didn't get hit on when I went out. Yet, night after night I felt rejected constantly on OLD. Over the course of 90 days I probably messaged at least 150 men; 2 wrote back to me. Those are pretty terrible odds, especially for a woman who rarely left a bar without a date or phone # if I wanted one.

 

That's interesting. Lots of different experiences. Can I ask if you live in a large city?

[Sweetfish]

My mileage definitely varied. IRL it was rare indeed that I didn't get hit on when I went out. Yet, night after night I felt rejected constantly on OLD. Over the course of 90 days I probably messaged at least 150 men; 2 wrote back to me. Those are pretty terrible odds, especially for a woman who rarely left a bar without a date or phone # if I wanted one.

 

Besides clubs and bars what about real life... if bars were doing well.. why did you go on OLD