OLD in your 40s

[CptInsano]

The main thing to keep in mind is that OLD is just a medium to meet people...the same people you'd meet at a bar, party, grocery store, etc. They aren't different people. The positive thing is that, in this case, you know they're single and looking to date. You also know more about them from their profile (many times) than you would just meeting them IRL.

 

Actually, I tend to disagree on this one, but I consider it one of the advantages of OLD. Unless you live in a small town, you will only meet a subset of the people in your area, because your social circle is defined by your activities or your workplace. You may know everyone in your running group, but nobody who plays rugby. Yes, there are only a limited number of people available in your area, but OLD can help you reach those that you otherwise wouldn't have met. (Unfortunately, it may also make it obvious why you avoided others in the first place.)

[Lilyana76]

Honestly, you don't know that they are single on OLD. I have met many that are in relationships just looking for someone on the side.

[BaileyB]

I tried OLD a few times and it was not for me. I had many contacts and shut it down after received some very angry and sexually inappropriate messages.

 

I have gone on blind dates before and I don't really mind that because I enjoy meeting and talking with new people. But, there is a different level of trust required to meet a stranger from the Internet...

 

Interestingly, my boyfriend also tried OLD and he says that he had the same experience... And reading posts on this site, it can be equally frustrating for both men and women.

 

I know it has worked for some, but it was definitely not for me. And, I must say that I really could not stand hearing others ask if I had tried it and give me stories of people who had met online... somehow, that just made the whole experience worse.

[hippychick3]

Actually, I tend to disagree on this one, but I consider it one of the advantages of OLD. Unless you live in a small town, you will only meet a subset of the people in your area, because your social circle is defined by your activities or your workplace. You may know everyone in your running group, but nobody who plays rugby. Yes, there are only a limited number of people available in your area, but OLD can help you reach those that you otherwise wouldn't have met. (Unfortunately, it may also make it obvious why you avoided others in the first place.)

 

I think you misunderstood me. I agree with everything you said.

 

I meant "same people" as in people online are just the typical people you'd find in real life. Of course, there are more options online.

[CptInsano]

I think you misunderstood me. I agree with everything you said.

 

I meant "same people" as in people online are just the typical people you'd find in real life. Of course, there are more options online.

 

Yes, then I may have misunderstood you, sorry about that.

[hippychick3]

Honestly, you don't know that they are single on OLD. I have met many that are in relationships just looking for someone on the side.

 

Of course there will be liars and cheaters online, just as there are in real life. This is why careful screening before meeting is super important.

[kendahke]

Honestly, you don't know that they are single on OLD. I have met many that are in relationships just looking for someone on the side.

 

Same thing happens IRL.

 

You only know as much about a person as they let you know about them.

[blockrockinbeat74]

The main thing to kep in mind is that OLD is just a medium to meet people...the same people you'd meet at a bar, party, grocery store, etc. They aren't different people. The positive thing is that, in this case, you know they're single and looking to date. You also know more about them from their profile (many times) than you would just meeting them IRL.

 

The little sampling I have had reading profile after profile finds me befuddled and confused mainly - I really wouldn't know which one I'd want to meet to due to the obvious lack of body language, and I can't really tell much from a pic or a profile.

 

Looks like sifting through these profiles is a job in itself!

 

Plus

 

 

Honestly, you don't know that they are single on OLD. I have met many that are in relationships just looking for someone on the side.

 

I've heard that enough times from all sorts of people so it must be a real issue. Plenty of married guys do the same IRL to be fair - married guys like nothing more than the local single mum to try their charm on at school pick-up time, but at least they're transparent about it. I wouldn't be surprised to find half of them on OLD sites too!

 

I tried OLD a few times and it was not for me. I had many contacts and shut it down after received some very angry and sexually inappropriate messages.

 

I have gone on blind dates before and I don't really mind that because I enjoy meeting and talking with new people. But, there is a different level of trust required to meet a stranger from the Internet...

 

Interestingly, my boyfriend also tried OLD and he says that he had the same experience... And reading posts on this site, it can be equally frustrating for both men and women.

 

I know it has worked for some, but it was definitely not for me. And, I must say that I really could not stand hearing others ask if I had tried it and give me stories of people who had met online... somehow, that just made the whole experience worse.

 

That's where my mind was at before looking into it. I don't really mind the happy stories myself and if OLD helps people meet the right partner for them, fair enough. It doesn't mean it's the right way to go for everyone.

[Gaeta]

The little sampling I have had reading profile after profile finds me befuddled and confused mainly - I really wouldn't know which one I'd want to meet to due to the obvious lack of body language, and I can't really tell much from a pic or a profile.

 

Looks like sifting through these profiles is a job in itself!

 

Plus

 

I've heard that enough times from all sorts of people so it must be a real issue. Plenty of married guys do the same IRL to be fair - married guys like nothing more than the local single mum to try their charm on at school pick-up time, but at least they're transparent about it. I wouldn't be surprised to find half of them on OLD sites too!

 

That's where my mind was at before looking into it. I don't really mind the happy stories myself and if OLD helps people meet the right partner for them, fair enough. It doesn't mean it's the right way to go for everyone.

 

You are making this a much bigger deal than it is.

 

As a woman all you need to do is make a profile and wait for the messages to come in. If you are decent looking you'll get 10s of messages maybe 100s. You delete the message from men you don't find attractive enough, you delete those living too far, you delete the smokers, you delete the too young and too old, and after you delete all those not falling withing your search range you'll be left with maybe 1 or 2 profile you find interesting. You reply to them and see from there how they speak and behave. It's no more difficult than that.

[kendahke]

OP, you might fare better using a matchmaking service. You'll pay more, but supposedly, they have a better selection of men they've screened.

[BikerAccnt]

 

Your average guy online has a least a little trouble talking to women

 

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I tend to doubt this. As an average guy who's done old. And had two longer term relationships out of it, I'd have to say I don't think this holds water.

 

I'm not shy, in the least, I'm quite confident in who I am and can strike up a conversation anywhere with any woman regardless of how attractive or not she may be.

 

I do OLD because it's a way to meet women I otherwise would not. When you are older, established, busy with work and life and already have a plate full of hobbies and social events, what else would you suggest?

 

There are plenty of good normal people on OLD, and plenty of weirdo's. Just like there is in "real life". And plenty of men who are not socially awkward. We just get taken quicker

[Lilyana76]

If you do decide to delve into OLD, which actually I do suggest because at least it will get you out there, there are a few things I did before I met with a man, just for my own peace of mind.

 

I always required a phone call before a first meet, you can tell a lot about a person by their voice.

 

I ran phone numbers, and looked them up on Facebook, to make sure they were legit. I also plugged their name into the sex offender registry just to make sure they weren't on it. I have 3 kids, have to think of them too.

 

I never let them pick me up at my house, or told them my address before a first meet.

 

Most likely you will get bombarded at first, I think most of us women do, with 100s of messages. It can be overwhelming. Make sure you chit chat with them for a day on the app before giving them a phone number or any other personal information. (like full name or facebook). I found a lot of men from overseas, with fake pictures, trying to scam women this way.

 

Also there will be a lot of "love bombers" who try to get you in a relationship before you actually meet. I find this creepy and block them right away when it happens. And it happens more often than you think.

 

You just have to be smart, and don't trust someone right away, always protect yourself first. Trust your gut!

[Spring23]

You are making this a much bigger deal than it is.

 

As a woman all you need to do is make a profile and wait for the messages to come in. If you are decent looking you'll get 10s of messages maybe 100s. You delete the message from men you don't find attractive enough, you delete those living too far, you delete the smokers, you delete the too young and too old, and after you delete all those not falling withing your search range you'll be left with maybe 1 or 2 profile you find interesting. You reply to them and see from there how they speak and behave. It's no more difficult than that.

 

Very true!

 

Honestly, it sounds like it could be a fun pastime. OP think of it like reading threads on Loveshack. You write some stuff, look at some pictures, do this while petting your cat or watching TV. Take it as something fun to do that might have a positive outcome.

 

DON'T meet anyone you get a weird vibe from no matter how cute they seem.

[blockrockinbeat74]

You are making this a much bigger deal than it is.

 

As a woman all you need to do is make a profile and wait for the messages to come in. If you are decent looking you'll get 10s of messages maybe 100s. You delete the message from men you don't find attractive enough, you delete those living too far, you delete the smokers, you delete the too young and too old, and after you delete all those not falling withing your search range you'll be left with maybe 1 or 2 profile you find interesting. You reply to them and see from there how they speak and behave. It's no more difficult than that.

 

You're obviously an OLD convert, and that's fine.

 

I'm really trying to keep an open mind about it, and I have no doubt there are plenty of very good people using it. It's the process that I find tedious and constrained, not the people on it.

 

I also find the idea that all you have to do is write a profile and the rest follows as if by magic a bit passive and negativity driven. IRL, I wouldn't respond to a guy who approached me without at least giving him a sign of interest first, or I would strike up a conversation myself (not to the point of asking the guy out point blank though).

[Lilyana76]

I am not against OLD, it just wasn't for me. After meeting tons of men, it kind of damaged my self esteem a little bit. I realized I shouldn't be this miserable trying to meet someone. It should be fun.

[andie1969]

I guess I got super lucky, I'm in the process of moving in with my bf who I met via Match in Feb. 2015. He was the FIRST person I met from OLD! (well, this go-around, after a 14 year marriage to someone I met IRL). He wasn't the only one I dated, but the first. I went on one date with another guy and 2 dates with yet a third, but after the 3rd date with #1, that was it, no more dating anyone else! Even those few were mentally exhausting, I had been out of the game for so long and forgot how first meets/dates are kinda like interviews. There is no way I could have suffered through dozens or hundreds of those unless it was a speed dating type event. Give it a shot, who knows, you might just get lucky too! BTW, I was 45 and he was 41 when we met.

[Silverstring]

Yeah, I do think OLD can be mentally draining, but only if you don't have the right expectations. People feeling rejected or having their self-esteem hurt, or being upset when people ghost etc. It's just because of unrealistic expectations.

 

OLD shouldn't be painful at all. As many people have said, it's just another way to meet people. The problem with limiting yourself to meeting people IRL is that your options are rather limited for the most part. Honestly, how often in your day-to-day life do you meet someone new that you might be interested in? And then out of those, how many do you actually go out on a date with? And then out of those, how many have turned into an emotionally healthy, long term relationship? From your posts, I'm guessing the answer to the last question is none. So you had no success in finding a long term, emotionally healthy, meaningful relationship from meeting people in real life, yet you are immediately discounted meeting people online.

 

Why would you limit yourself? Just because you're doing OLD doesn't suddenly stop the opportunities from meeting people IRL. It just increases the chances of meeting somebody that might be a good match! I fail to see how that is a negative...

[d0nnivain]

OLD can be scary. I was nervous about the idea of meeting a stranger. But you do things to protect yourself. You google the picture. You google the full name as soon as you get it. You meet in public for a short safe inexpensive 1st meeting. I'll use your word & call that a pre-date. Even so somebody you know should be aware that you are going, where & when you expect you back. You can also have a friend call you in the middle of the date with an "emergency" should you need an escape route. I have had friends in the place where the OLD date would be for safety reasons.

 

 

You may have to go on a lot of those meetings. That is where the assumption that everyone is multi dating comes from. Simply because you exchanged a few e-mails, spoke on the phone & got coffee does not make you exclusive.

 

 

You said you were uneasy about a man pitting you against other women. That is one way of looking at it but it's more about looking for compatibility which is part of the law of large numbers. Even if you meet a man IRL rather than on OLD, in your 40s this is the new norm.

 

 

As for getting a sense of compatibility -- read the profile; look at the picture & go with your gut. If you get a message but aren't interested, you simply ignore. You don't speak to every man who checks you out in public do you? Of Course Not. This is just a little more direct.

[Sweetfish]

You're obviously an OLD convert, and that's fine.

 

I'm really trying to keep an open mind about it, and I have no doubt there are plenty of very good people using it. It's the process that I find tedious and constrained, not the people on it.

 

I also find the idea that all you have to do is write a profile and the rest follows as if by magic a bit passive and negativity driven. IRL, I wouldn't respond to a guy who approached me without at least giving him a sign of interest first, or I would strike up a conversation myself (not to the point of asking the guy out point blank though).

 

 

Yes and no. Depends on what dating platform you use.

 

Gaeta is pretty much on point in regards to what she is saying. As a woman you make a profile and the messages will roll in. On a platform like OLD your looks and pictures are a defining fact.

 

Are you looking for a boyfriend, life partner, or just to date and have fun?

[BluEyeL]

Well, whatever you do, remember: anything worth having is outside your comfort zone. If you only want to limit yourself to the choices in real life, at least go outside of your comfort zone in real life. I went to meetups for example. I went speed dating.

 

There was no way I could have met my man in real life. I'm so happy, it was all so worth it! It's fun planning the wedding and the honeymoon and our life together.

 

It is work, yeah, but good stuff doesn't fall out of the sky. At least that has never been my experience in life. Everything I got, the road to it was scary. I left my home country and flew 10000 km away to make a new life on my own, far from everything and everyone I knew. So OLD is a piece of cake. Just going and meeting some folks for coffee, lunch or dinner.

 

I didn't like it when I liked the guy and he wasn't into me. That's where the hard part was. I guess if I just stayed home and watched TV I wouldn't have had to go through that indeed.

[Silverstring]

I didn't like it when I liked the guy and he wasn't into me. That's where the hard part was.

 

Even this shouldn't be that hard or scary. If you're ultimately looking for somebody compatible, and the other person isn't interested in you, it just means you're not compatible!

 

And interesting that many people find it hard to be rejected, but really think nothing of rejecting people they aren't interested in...it's the same thing!

[CptInsano]

I think the trick is finding out what fits you. Some friends of mine were successful with OLD, others never made it past a first date even after years and years. One of them found her guy in IRL literally weeks after giving up OLD. A friend of mine just got married after striking gold(digger) on OLD.

 

I personally meet a lot of people IRL and only gave OLD a short try. It really wasn't of any use to me.

[Spring23]

Even this shouldn't be that hard or scary. If you're ultimately looking for somebody compatible, and the other person isn't interested in you, it just means you're not compatible!

 

And interesting that many people find it hard to be rejected, but really think nothing of rejecting people they aren't interested in...it's the same thing!

 

Most people struggle with rejection.

[Miss Spider]

I tend to doubt this. As an average guy who's done old. And had two longer term relationships out of it, I'd have to say I don't think this holds water.

 

I'm not shy, in the least, I'm quite confident in who I am and can strike up a conversation anywhere with any woman regardless of how attractive or not she may be.

 

I do OLD because it's a way to meet women I otherwise would not. When you are older, established, busy with work and life and already have a plate full of hobbies and social events, what else would you suggest?

 

There are plenty of good normal people on OLD, and plenty of weirdo's. Just like there is in "real life". And plenty of men who are not socially awkward. We just get taken quicker

 

I guess I should have mentioned the first step to talking to women - meeting them .I maintain that most men online struggle with women and really want one.

 

If your life is busy with activities that afford you no opportunities to meet women or at least interesting, eligible ones and you are seeking a woman then I can understand how online dating would be very appealing.

 

I have some difficulty seeing how that could be, and if your plate were that full, how you find time to date. But it's possible.

[Silverstring]

Most people struggle with rejection.

 

Yes I know, and it is a major source of grief on LS, but it doesn't have to be. Nobody exists that is interested in a relationship with every single person they meet. And most of us have rejected people that we aren't interested in. So why does it somehow have all this negativity when somebody rejects us? It's really just a mindset...