OLD in your 40s

[Silverstring]

Is not being a cheating, lying manipulator an unrealistic expectation?

 

Haha noooo, this should be a minimum requirement!

 

Also, I'm not averse to 'having fun' but I can find that easily enough IRL - no need to go on OLD for that specicifically.

 

Oh yeah, I'm just saying OLD doesn't have to be as painful as many people make it out to be. It can be fun. I met a lot of interesting women and dated almost none of them because we weren't a good match. Still enjoyed meeting and talking to them for those one or two hours...

 

Are you saying that all sexy, confident men are narcissists?

 

No, but all narcissists are (falsely) confident. And because narcissists love being admired, a lot of them pay special attention to their sex appeal. Most people are quietly confident in some areas, and humble and not as confident in other areas.

 

FYI, the one I was married to was the shy, humble, retiring type so I guess stereotyping isn't that helpful.

 

Well if being able to recognize certain characteristics of narcissists by certain traits helps one avoid them, I'd say that can be helpful. But of course take it with a grain of salt. Curious though, were you attracted to your ex husband, seeing as he wasn't sexy and confident?

[d0nnivain]

Yeah,I guess getting to know a few people at a same time makes sense - I'd define that as 'pre-dating' though, with 'actual' dating starting in earnest with the exclusivity.

 

Sounds very time-consuming - I'd rather do other stuff in my free time, in all honesty.

 

 

What you are calling pre-dating I would call dating. What you are calling dating I would call having a relationship. The labels don't matter as much as the two people involved need to have an agreement about what they are doing. I just don't want to see you in a misunderstanding because of a vocabulary word.

[blockrockinbeat74]

Haha noooo, this should be a minimum requirement!

 

Glad we agree!

 

Oh yeah, I'm just saying OLD doesn't have to be as painful as many people make it out to be. It can be fun. I met a lot of interesting women and dated almost none of them because we weren't a good match. Still enjoyed meeting and talking to them for those one or two hours...

 

Okay. I'm sure it can be a very positive experience for some; the thing that's giving me pause is the 'meeting a lot of people' process; I'm not sure I'm cut out for that kind of thing, and to be honest I don't really have the time for it either. Maybe OLD allows meeting one guy at a time, but from what I've been reading it seems a little too fast paced for me.

 

 

Most people are quietly confident in some areas, and humble and not as confident in other areas.

 

Quietly confident and humble = sexy

 

 

Curious though, were you attracted to your ex husband, seeing as he wasn't sexy and confident?

 

Yes, but I was young and clueless back then, and I didn't really know how to recognise good qualities in a guy. Plus he lied to me quite a bit, so there was that.

 

I've learned a lot about myself since then, to keep my standards high and my expectations low, to communicate a whole lot better, to pick my battles and to call it a day when the time is right.

[Miss Spider]

Is not being a cheating, lying manipulator an unrealistic expectation?

Also, I'm not averse to 'having fun' but I can find that easily enough IRL - no need to go on OLD for that specicifically.

Are you saying that all sexy, confident men are narcissists? FYI, the one I was married to was the shy, humble, retiring type so I guess stereotyping isn't that helpful.

 

Thanks for your input, though.

 

Of course not, but you kind of have to wonder why they'd be online dating, unless there was another agenda. Sexy..confident? They'd probably not have too much issue meeting women to need to fire up a profile unless something else was at play.

 

Your average guy online has a least a little trouble talking to women

 

And just anecdotal of course, but every guy I met (3) that was sexy (all 3) was painfully awkward. Like nearly incapable of talking to me....

[blockrockinbeat74]

What you are calling pre-dating I would call dating. What you are calling dating I would call having a relationship. The labels don't matter as much as the two people involved need to have an agreement about what they are doing. I just don't want to see you in a misunderstanding because of a vocabulary word.

 

Ok well I don't really have the patience or time to date more than one guy at a time; sounds like this might be a problem on OLD?

[blockrockinbeat74]

Of course not, but you kind of have to wonder why they'd be online dating, unless there was another agenda. Sexy..confident? They'd probably not have too much issue meeting women to need to fire up a profile unless something else was at play.

 

Your average guy online has a least a little trouble talking to women

 

And just anecdotal of course, but every guy I met (3) that was sexy (all 3) was painfully awkward. Like nearly incapable of talking to me....

 

I hear what you're saying, but we may not have the same definition of what 'sexy' is . To me, a guy who is genuine, straightforward and has his stuff together (and that I find attractive, obviously) is super sexy - but yeah, I wouldn't know that from a profile .

[Silverstring]

Ok well I don't really have the patience or time to date more than one guy at a time; sounds like this might be a problem on OLD?

 

Well the multi-dating takes place before exclusivity. It's at the getting to know each other to see if you'd like to become exclusive stage. And like I said, most people won't be compatible so being in that early stage with multiple people at a time is more efficient and serves a much larger function: It makes sure you don't get too emotionally invested too early.

 

That's another theme you see from a lot of people that complain about OLD. They are way to invested emotionally in strangers. Multidating solves that problem.

 

But finding a meaningful relationship is just like any other part of life. The more time and effort you put into it, the more you'll get out of it. Gaeta really wanted a relationship, put a lot of time and effort into it and is now in a meaningful relationship. I did the same. When I was searching for a relationship I was on 5 different OLD sites / apps and usually had at least 2 "meets" a week. I've now found someone and we've been together for 8 months.

 

And also, if you don't have the time or patience to find someone to be in a relationship with, you likely don't have the time or patience to be in an actual relationship...

[blockrockinbeat74]

Well the multi-dating takes place before exclusivity. It's at the getting to know each other to see if you'd like to become exclusive stage. And like I said, most people won't be compatible so being in that early stage with multiple people at a time is more efficient and serves a much larger function: It makes sure you don't get too emotionally invested too early.

 

That's another theme you see from a lot of people that complain about OLD. They are way to invested emotionally in strangers. Multidating solves that problem.

 

But finding a meaningful relationship is just like any other part of life. The more time and effort you put into it, the more you'll get out of it. Gaeta really wanted a relationship, put a lot of time and effort into it and is now in a meaningful relationship. I did the same. When I was searching for a relationship I was on 5 different OLD sites / apps and usually had at least 2 "meets" a week. I've now found someone and we've been together for 8 months.

 

And also, if you don't have the time or patience to find someone to be in a relationship with, you likely don't have the time or patience to be in an actual relationship...

 

Really, I think it's great that it's worked for people like you and all those posters who kindly gave their positive experiences on OLD, but I take exception to the bolded.

 

I have all the time and patience to be in an actual relationship with the right guy - I'm in no rush though, nor am I desperately wanting to be in one.

 

Like Gaeta says, if it happens then great; if not, no sweat. OLD or multidating is only one avenue for meeting people; there are others that don't involve meeting a bunch of strangers at a time until one fits.

[d0nnivain]

Ok well I don't really have the patience or time to date more than one guy at a time; sounds like this might be a problem on OLD?

 

 

 

It's not a problem. I only wanted to warn you that the one guy you are dating may be dating multiple women. If you are OK with that you will be fine & you can date one at a time if that is your preference.

 

 

The thing is OLD results in many one and done dates.

[Miss Spider]

I hear what you're saying, but we may not have the same definition of what 'sexy' is . To me, a guy who is genuine, straightforward and has his stuff together (and that I find attractive, obviously) is super sexy - but yeah, I wouldn't know that from a profile .

 

No. That sounds about right! what you describe is striking gold online(but not impossible ofc)

[coolheadal]

Hi all

 

Quick background: I've been single for almost 3 years (not counting a couple of short-term flings) after a (very) dysfunctional marriage with a diagnosed NPD, I have now fully recovered and I am in a happy, healthy mental and emotional place.

 

I'm now at a point where everything is finally falling into place nicely in my life: my kids are growing into kind, caring and bright children, I love my job and I have a great support system so I now feel ready to embark on a new relationship (with my kids' blessing!).

 

I have always gotten into relationships the traditional way (social circle, chance meetings, etc...), and I'm not really a 'forcing the issue' kind - I've had a few opportunities in the last 3 years, again all met by chance or through friends - but I didn't feel I was fully healed and thought it unfair of me to start something I couldn't finish. That's just to say that meeting someone 'by accident' is definitely my comfort zone.

 

I'm in my early 40s, I feel fine in my skin (I have the odd bad day like everyone else, but not enough to affect my self-esteem or trigger insecurities), I have no real preferences in terms of physical appearances (I like sexy, confident men of any height, shape or size) or jobs, I'm highly educated but don't require the same level of education in a guy, so long as he is driven and has professional goals, but I guess I am a bit picky when it comes to character traits and emotional stability - I've never cheated, manipulated or lied in any of my RLs and would expect the same in return, and that's the standard minimum.

 

I was advised by a couple of friends to give OLD a whirl, but most of the people who know me well are adamant it's not the right thing for me.

 

Has anyone (specifically men and women over 40) got any pearls of wisdom or is willing to share their experiences, good or bad, to help me judge whether it would be worth it?

 

Thanks in advance

 

Okay your in your 40s are you looking to have more kids? If not make sure you tell the OLD men this. Leave the old marriage out of the new life never bring it up and never talk about your ex-husband ever. No need for the next guy to deal with the drama, since he wasn't in your life at all. Now you have experience with being married, and what to expect from your next one if you choose that route again. You know the mistakes and events that lead you to the end of that marriage. Now you want to date off OLD. That where games and fantasy starts. Everyone uses OLD because the truth of the matter is it's really hard to find common ground with meeting up with a stranger off the street. OLD solves that buy breaking the ground for you. You have to plan out what you want and seek. No the games and lies online too. Just have to up your game play. As we all are OLD and deal with the ups and downs of that quest.

[Gaeta]

Like Gaeta says, if it happens then great; if not, no sweat. OLD or multidating is only one avenue for meeting people; there are others that don't involve meeting a bunch of strangers at a time until one fits.

 

You make online dating what you want it to be. If you want to meet one person at a time you do, if you want to go on a bunch of dates in the same week then you do it. You are the only shareholder of your corporation, you do as you wish. You can meet 1 person, hide your profile and take your time getting to know him. You'd be surprised how sometimes we just click with a pure stranger.

 

I don't want to force your hand, just trying to have you keep an open mind on something you have never tried.

[kendahke]

 

Has anyone (specifically men and women over 40) got any pearls of wisdom or is willing to share their experiences, good or bad, to help me judge whether it would be worth it?

 

Thanks in advance

 

Always put their pictures and profile through a google search before you respond to anything they send you. Scammers are on the look out for women over the age of 40 and it's up to you to protect yourself because the dating sites won't weed them out.

 

Meet them within 7 days so you know they're not scammers/catfish. Any man who says he's on his way out of town or he can't meet you--block him. He's most likely a scammer. Also, you don't want to start building artificial constructs around who you think they are: you want to build a real construct around who they actually are. Not meeting them allows you to begin building your dream of them and you may end up being highly disappointed in who they turned out not to be.

 

If you do meet them and they go at breakneck speed, then that's a red flag. You need to pace yourself and not dismiss red flags.

 

Understand that you're going to be stomping a lot of frogs before you find a prince... but they are out there.

[Ami1uwant]

My own 2 cents....OP how do you know online dating 8snt right for you ???

 

You don't know till you try it out.

 

40+ meeting people in real life at random is going to be very difficult. Since you have young k8ds it gives you an option and source to meet people and network.

 

What complicates things is that many refuse to date coworkers.

 

Online dating is a source to find people who are looking to date. You aren't force meeting because they are saying imacailable. How often have you randomly met someone snd they turned you fown or you found out they were not available???

[rushed]

I was on it for two months. In those two months I went out with four guys, the last one my now boyfriend (we're both 42 btw).

 

OLD was both fun and a huge PITA. The attention was addicting. The wading through guys a bit annoying. But I had lots of fun conversations with different guys. I was also left wondering when those awesome conversations just ended abruptly with no further word from them (although I have to admit I did the same to some, too). At the time, I was on a few graveyard shifts, so having people to talk to in the middle of the night was pretty entertaining.

 

Tinder was my favorite. I was too much of a wuss for Bumble where the female has to message the guy first, and I didn't like OKCupid where just anyone can message you. I've seen a lot of people on here say that Tinder is just for hook-ups. But that hasn't been my experience. Sure I got a lot of messages from guys just looking to hook-up. But I also came across a lot of guys looking for something more serious as well.

 

I say just try it. Give it a month at least. You never know who you'll meet. (My boyfriend is a professional with a great job, sweet and kind, and someone whom I probably would have never crossed paths with because he lives and works on the other side of the bay (only 20 miles across, I think I put 50 miles as my limit) had it not been for Tinder.)

[BluEyeL]

My experience. I'm getting married in 3 months. I started dating online at 41 and I'm now 45. I dated online in 2013 and half of 2014. I found my soon to be husband within 18 months.

 

OP, I really like what you wrote in your opening post, about what you're looking for. I even checked to see if it wasn't me who wrote that haha I think you have a very healthy attitude and would be successful in finding a good partner. Sadly, over 40 is harder to find someone offline. And this is why I decided to go online, alhtough it was scary.

 

What made me try it is that I told myself that anything that is worth having is outside our comfort zone. Sure, I said, is going to be hard. When did you ever do anything that you're proud of right now that was easy to do?

 

18 months online. It was hard. You have to be emotionally tough. I didn't chase chemistry. I learned, even studied, a lot. I didn't go by feelings. As in: "I don't think it's a good idea to have sex on the first date but I feel like it". Not that I ever feel like having sex with a stranger, but just as an example. I followed rules and I was very strict. It was still hard, tough emotionally. The rejection. There is a lot of garbage but once I figured things out, the garbage men weren't going out with me anymore.

 

I wasn't "inundated" with messages, which maybe means I'm not that hot. And I"m still getting married. And I have a child from a previous relationship. My fiancee is kind, emotionally stable, financially well off and would do anything for me, as I would for him. I am very very happy and I think it was all worth it.

 

It's up to you what you are willing to do to achieve your goals. I am not willing to go hungry to lose the 15 lb I need to lose, because that's hard. But I was willing to do OLD to find a loving life partner.

 

Oh, and I met my fiancee on match.com. I was on many sites, not on the new ones tinder and the like. I found match to be the best. Free ones are full of creeps and disgusted me.

[BluEyeL]

Regarding the multi-dating. I don't see the problem, people need to chill. When you are going out for coffee or drinks with some stranger that's not "dating". That's merely having a conversation with a stranger. Once you kiss or have sex, then of course you don't see other people.

 

I was meeting more than one person for the first 3-5 dates. But I was very slow moving physically, way slower than most people, so I wasn't making out with two people at the ssame time ever. Just talking. I think that's perfectly fine. If I was seeing 2 men at the same time, I would usually hide my dating profile because I did not have time to go o more dates than that during that time period. If both of those men ended up not working out (which most of them don't work out, that's the norm and you should expect it to be a numbers game) I was going back online and find another couple of guys.

 

I tink I met abouit 30ish men during the 18 months and I had a 3 months ill-advised fling during that time, in the earlier days, when I wasn't too good at it.

 

And btw, yes, my friend met her current husband on match within 2 weeks of signing on. My fiancee's friend also met his wife on match and they've been married 10 years now.

[Popsicle]

Instead of wondering and asking people on a message board, why don't you just give it a try? You don't have to take it super seriously. Just get on and see what happens.

[mortensorchid]

I'm 42, I started OLDing when I was about 28/29. There have been a million crazy stories (many documented on this forum), but it's what it is. OLD seems like something sent from heaven to an inexperienced user, but remember it's just another means of meeting people. You'll be disappointed but that's life. Don't see OLD as the means to an end, just see it as what it is. And if something happens, like in the means we used to do it before this took over, good or bad, that would have happened anyway.

 

Go forth and thrash.

[FoundLove]

I met my husband on an online dating site. I had my profile up for a little over a year and was just about to give up because it got to a point where I became tired of it all, thinking it would never work.

 

Not even two weeks later I started chatting with my future husband and I never would have met him if it hadn't been for this online dating website. We've been together now for 4 years and married for 3.

 

Definitely worth a try, right?

[blockrockinbeat74]

My experience. I'm getting married in 3 months. I started dating online at 41 and I'm now 45. I dated online in 2013 and half of 2014. I found my soon to be husband within 18 months.

 

OP, I really like what you wrote in your opening post, about what you're looking for. I even checked to see if it wasn't me who wrote that haha I think you have a very healthy attitude and would be successful in finding a good partner. Sadly, over 40 is harder to find someone offline. And this is why I decided to go online, alhtough it was scary.

 

What made me try it is that I told myself that anything that is worth having is outside our comfort zone. Sure, I said, is going to be hard. When did you ever do anything that you're proud of right now that was easy to do?

 

18 months online. It was hard. You have to be emotionally tough. I didn't chase chemistry. I learned, even studied, a lot. I didn't go by feelings. As in: "I don't think it's a good idea to have sex on the first date but I feel like it". Not that I ever feel like having sex with a stranger, but just as an example. I followed rules and I was very strict. It was still hard, tough emotionally. The rejection. There is a lot of garbage but once I figured things out, the garbage men weren't going out with me anymore.

 

I wasn't "inundated" with messages, which maybe means I'm not that hot. And I"m still getting married. And I have a child from a previous relationship. My fiancee is kind, emotionally stable, financially well off and would do anything for me, as I would for him. I am very very happy and I think it was all worth it.

 

It's up to you what you are willing to do to achieve your goals. I am not willing to go hungry to lose the 15 lb I need to lose, because that's hard. But I was willing to do OLD to find a loving life partner.

 

Oh, and I met my fiancee on match.com. I was on many sites, not on the new ones tinder and the like. I found match to be the best. Free ones are full of creeps and disgusted me.

 

Thank you so much for that positive and thoughtful post. Yeah, you nailed it - I find the idea of meeting new people online very scary.

 

I've always managed to find guys IRL without much hassle but after a certain age, and being out of relationship practice, I feel really rusty and a bit intimidated. I don't know many people who have found their partners online so it's nice to have some reassurance on this.

 

There are so many available websites to choose from, it'a bit overwhelming... I've had a quick glance at one of them and I wouldn't have the first clue how to pick a guy out of hundreds of profiles.

 

You can't judge someone's personality or how compatible they might be from a photo and a couple of lines, and I'm really not comfortable with the idea of getting to know more than one guy at a time (I live in a smallish town in Europe so there might be some cultural differences) and I'm not sure I'd be ok with a guy pitting me against other women.

 

I totally understand that others don't have issues with it (in case the 'people need to chill out' remark from the poster was addressed to me - sorry I'm on my phone and I haven't learned to multiquote yet) and I'm really not judging at all - I'm not sure it's for me is all I'm saying.

Edited April 13, 2017 by blockrockinbeat74

[MoreThanThat]

Most of my dating/relationships have come from IRL vs online. Multi-dating is not exclusive to OLD - this is just how things are now for many single people. It's actually a really good idea to avoid the instant relationship stuff that causes you to continuing seeing someone longer than you should.

[Spring23]

I met my husband on an online dating site. I had my profile up for a little over a year and was just about to give up because it got to a point where I became tired of it all, thinking it would never work.

 

Not even two weeks later I started chatting with my future husband and I never would have met him if it hadn't been for this online dating website. We've been together now for 4 years and married for 3.

 

Definitely worth a try, right?

 

That's awesome.

 

I know a couple who married and they met on eharmony.

[blockrockinbeat74]

Most of my dating/relationships have come from IRL vs online. Multi-dating is not exclusive to OLD - this is just how things are now for many single people. It's actually a really good idea to avoid the instant relationship stuff that causes you to continuing seeing someone longer than you should.

 

That makes sense. In all honesty, 'instant' relationships aren't really my thing either. I'm not really the intense type, I don't mind the occasional mutually agreed meaningless fling and I have no qualms stopping seeing someone when things are not working - you don't have to multi-date not to take things too seriously.

 

But I get that it would help meet local men that I would otherwise likely never cross paths with.

[hippychick3]

The main thing to keep in mind is that OLD is just a medium to meet people...the same people you'd meet at a bar, party, grocery store, etc. They aren't different people. The positive thing is that, in this case, you know they're single and looking to date. You also know more about them from their profile (many times) than you would just meeting them IRL.