OLD in your 40s

[Miss Spider]

I think it's because the folks that had a terrible time have really strong negative feelings about OLD and make blanket statements like "all men", "all women" and what they say is not even close to true. It is certainly true that they did not fare well but that in no way means that there are not any great people OLDing. It's easy to blame the tool and not the one wielding the tool.

 

I met a super attractive woman at a coffee shop in town. She approached me and we chatted and exchanged numbers. We talked and things went well, we set up a date, went out and I thought that I would rather have my skin flayed from my body than see her again. Holy chit! She was scary crazy!

 

I met a super attractive woman online. I messaged her. We chatted and exchanged numbers. We talked and things went well, we set up a date, went out and I had a friggin blast. We dated for a good bit after.

Surprises the hell out of me how anyone experiences any difference between OLD and IRL.

 

Forgive me if I am wrong... but didn't your write this just a bit ago in another thread.

 

 

About a year ago a buddy and I both opened OLD accounts as sort of a dare/bet. He's a year younger than I am (I was 40 at the time). We both shave our heads, have facial hair and are fit. He's leaner but I am bigger and stronger. I look ok but he looks like a friggin model. We posted our best pics and I took time to write a nice profile, he did not. We both posted one shirtless pic.

 

I recall just two women that we both contacted that turned him down or did not reply to his contact. Tons of women would not reply to me after he contacted them haha! I was doing ok until he came along!

 

Some things that we learned (in our experience)

 

-Several women stating that they were not looking for a hookup were, in fact, looking for a hookup.

-Women claiming that shirtless pics were a no no had no problem with our pics.

-Women that I had set a date with suddenly had something come up to break our date to be available for my buddy.

-If a woman is interested in you, she will get you off the site asap. She will give you her number and more than likely start sending you pics.

-If a woman is interested she will care less how nasty you talk to her (within reason)

-If a woman is not interested, you will get burned for saying something that can be misconstrued as sexual.

-If you are really good looking, you are going to get more attention (no surprise, right?)

-If you are decently good looking, you will get plenty of attention and possible better potential partners for a long term relationship (I have no actual proof of that fact, though)

-If you are not attractive at all? Who knows...you are probably out of luck for the most part.

-Women are not as courteous as you will probably be.

 

I'm not bashing women at all but, in my experience, they can be exactly like the men that they supposedly despise.

[...]

The women that I have dated where we met IRL seemed to be more interested in long term and more "stable" in the relationship.

OLD=better for hookups

IRL=better for LT relationships

YMMV...

 

your opinion/xp seems to have changed drastically over the last couple weeks?

Edited April 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

[...]

She asked me if I would like to attend a community event with her but I turned her down as I was seeing someone at the time. The whole situation was just a riot... I couldn't get the time of day from her via Match for whatever reason but she was asking me out after talking for twenty minutes.

 

Of course, you weren't just one of the many men who spammed her online. Seriously, if you are a guy who is outgoing and leads an interesting life, then by all means I wouldn't focus too much on OLD, especially if you are interested in something other than having as many dates as possible.

[JuneL]

See, i never emailed men. I just viewed their profile to make myself visible. And those who saw I viewed them and were interested messaged me. So rejection happened only after we went out.

 

 

Did you usually view their profiles multiple times before they messaged you?

[kendahke]

And I'm like "Yeah, you ignored me before, and you'll do it again, so I won't try again. lol!"

 

I just had this happen to me this week. A guy I'd met on OKC 4 years ago messaged me on POF. Now, back then, he said he would not venture out of the area where he lived for dates. I think part of the reason was that he didn't have a car (and that could mean DUI/license revoked, and that = baggage). Now he's trying to be all brand new and I had to tell him "Last time we tried this, you told me that you didn't venture out of Rockville for dates, so I'm not seeing why we should try this again now".

[OatsAndHall]

Of course, you weren't just one of the many men who spammed her online. Seriously, if you are a guy who is outgoing and leads an interesting life, then by all means I wouldn't focus too much on OLD, especially if you are interested in something other than having as many dates as possible.

 

 

 

That's where I'm at right now. I haven't used any OLD site in quite awhile. I'm pretty busy, between work and coaching so I stay busy. I enjoy women and I enjoy dating so I've gone back to meeting women out in the real world.

 

However, the nurse that I mentioned in the earlier post looked at my profile twice after I messaged her. So, I didn't cut the mustard some how. I wasn't offended by the whole situation, at all. I just think that it shows how very different OLD is from meeting women in RL. It's almost a shame that I wasn't single when we crossed paths; she's friggin hot. Maybe I'll bump into her again down the road.

[Lilyana76]

I have another problem with OLD that I'm wondering of other women have run into it.

 

I was on two different OLD sites. Now for us women, we get BOMBARDED right away. I messaged a few guys from both sites getting to know them. But after some time, and them wanting to talk a lot, it became overwhelming. And confusing trying to keep my conversations with 4-6 men separated in my mind.

 

Do most of you only talk to one at a time? Am I the only one that talked to multiple men at a time? Did you ever mix up the conversations? It just becomes too much for me sometimes. I have a full time job and 3 kids as well, so I can't constantly communicate on my phone. Which when I was OLDing, it felt I was on there talking more than not. Or the men would get upset when I wasn't responding right away. With my jobs and kids, I maybe look at my phone every hour or two. So it could be awhile before I respond.

 

Any tips on how not to be so overwhelmed? I know that if you do not respond to a man right away when they message you, and then a few days later if you try to start a conversation they become upset because you didn't respond days ago when they first tried to reach out... I'm sorry but I can not respond to 20 men a day. I would find it extremely difficult then.

[blockrockinbeat74]

I can confirm the bombardment phenomenon - it's both depressing and overwhelming. I put up a minimal profile (1pic, 2 lines) and left it for a day; that was my level of investment. Honestly, I wouldn't know which guy to talk to.

 

I can see the attraction for someone who have no time to socialise, or someone who knows what to look for from online profile, but that one-day experience has confirmed that OLD is not for me.

 

Thanks for all the good wishes, thanks for all the happy stories, for the adbice and the tips. OLD has obviously made a lot of people happy and fulfilled - just not for me.

Edited April 15, 2017 by blockrockinbeat74

[Sweetfish]

I can confirm the bombardment phenomenon - it's both depressing and overwhelming. I put up a minimal profile (1pic, 2 lines) and left it for a day; that was my level of investment. Honestly, I wouldn't know which guy to talk to.

 

I can see the attraction for someone who have no time to socialise, or someone who knows what to look for from online profile, but that one-day experience has confirmed that OLD is not for me.

 

Thanks for all the good wishes, thanks for all the happy stories, for the adbice and the tips. OLD has obviously made a lot of people happy and fulfilled - just not for me.

 

 

I want to conclude with one more thing... These are the same people who will walk among you.

[blockrockinbeat74]

I want to conclude with one more thing... These are the same people who will walk among you.

 

I'm sure they are. Like I said, it's not the people on OLD I have an issue with; it's the process.

[Miss Spider]

See, i never emailed men. I just viewed their profile to make myself visible. And those who saw I viewed them and were interested messaged me. So rejection happened only after we went out.

 

I started to see it as a game at some point. What can I do to go to the second date? The first 5 months I rarely moved to second or if I did I didn't move to third. Between 1 year and 1.5 years of OLD I had perfected my technique and had 100% call back for a second date. I didn't get any hotter.

 

In a way, I've always seen it as a type of rejection when a guy doesn't initiate a conversation after viewing him and then him viewing you(provided you have pics and a profile written) Even more if you send a 'wink' (I guess this is pretty much telling the guy you find him or at least aspects of his profile attractive?) , match, like, etc and get nothing back.

 

But even if you view him, even the most risk averse say hello if interested. How many on there are sitting around waiting for women to message them? Initiating a convo with someone online is pretty much as low-effort and low- risk as you can get in the dating world.

 

He's basically saying without words "I looked at your pics and profile, but I'm not interested enough to say hello."

 

Rejection doesn't bother me at all( unless I feel I did something wrong according to my own standards) It's part of dating/life.

Edited April 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

That's where I'm at right now. I haven't used any OLD site in quite awhile. I'm pretty busy, between work and coaching so I stay busy. I enjoy women and I enjoy dating so I've gone back to meeting women out in the real world.[...]

 

Yes, I also enjoy dating. And IRL dates are nice in the sense that you met the person before, and you have a good idea what to look forward to. I wouldn't say that I enjoy all women, yet going out is in many cases fun. I work in an office complex with about 10K people, so meeting new people IRL is not that much of an issue for me.

 

However, the nurse that I mentioned in the earlier post looked at my profile twice after I messaged her. So, I didn't cut the mustard some how. I wasn't offended by the whole situation, at all. I just think that it shows how very different OLD is from meeting women in RL. It's almost a shame that I wasn't single when we crossed paths; she's friggin hot. Maybe I'll bump into her again down the road.

 

I had to laugh about that odd dynamic. As a math teacher I assume that you have some brains and are social, which will set you apart from other men IRL. You may not be able to convey that the same way on OLD, and I assume that meeting women IRL simply plays to your strengths.

[Imajerk17]

As a guy in his 40s who has done OLD, I was going to say to you that OLD is a tool to meet people. If you live in a small town and work in a field dominated by your gender, there typically just aren't that many single age-appropriate women to cold-approach or even in your social circle, so enter OLD.

 

As a woman, the problems you will face include the paradox of choice. You have all these men writing you, which ones to write back and engage in a conversation. And to make it even more challenging, out of all those guys writing you, it can hard to tell whether someone would be a good guy that you'd be attracted to, as awkward social skills (and lots of other things actually) on the part of the guy can be masked by good writing and being good on paper.

 

It also seems that people are a bit more likely to take out their dating frustrations and treat others badly online--e.g., guys lashing out at women who don't write back or who vanish, and women flaking and ghosting. (Not sure whether that is the medium itself or about if the people who turn to OLD in the first place are more frustrated or jaded than the general single population.) BUT, great people do sign up and find each other and get together from online dating.

 

Then I read in your opening post that you already had success meeting people from social circle and chance encounters, and that the issue before was that you just weren't ready to date. So I guess this is my question for the OP: If you are already having such luck meeting people IRL, why do OLD? (Forgive me if you covered this already, I only skimmed the rest of this thread)

Edited April 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

[OatsAndHall]

Yes, I also enjoy dating. And IRL dates are nice in the sense that you met the person before, and you have a good idea what to look forward to. I wouldn't say that I enjoy all women, yet going out is in many cases fun. I work in an office complex with about 10K people, so meeting new people IRL is not that much of an issue for me.

 

 

 

I had to laugh about that odd dynamic. As a math teacher I assume that you have some brains and are social, which will set you apart from other men IRL. You may not be able to convey that the same way on OLD, and I assume that meeting women IRL simply plays to your strengths.

 

Being a math teacher works against me on OLD as many women I have chatted with assume I'm Rainman.. I don't fit the mold of the typical, borderline idiot-savant math teacher that they had in school but it's hard to ditch that misconception via OLD. Changing my profile page to one long smart a-- remark after another helped out a bit though.

 

Lol.. My level of intelligence is relative, depending on who you speak with: my failing students would refer to me as a moron. But, I am smart enough to be well spoken and that works for me.. And, I lost most of my dignity through teaching many years ago so I have no issue chatting with a woman and then asking her out. She can't take away from me what the kids already have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My profile page was one gigantic smart a-- comment after another so that counter-acted that a little bit.

[blockrockinbeat74]

As a guy in his 40s who has done OLD, I was going to say to you that OLD is a tool to meet people. If you live in a small town and work in a field dominated by your gender, there typically just aren't that many single age-appropriate women to cold-approach or even in your social circle, so enter OLD.

 

As a woman, the problems you will face include the paradox of choice. You have all these men writing you, which ones to write back and engage in a conversation. And to make it even more challenging, out of all those guys writing you, it can hard to tell whether someone would be a good guy that you'd be attracted to, as awkward social skills (and lots of other things actually) on the part of the guy can be masked by good writing and being good on paper.

 

It also seems that people are a bit more likely to take out their dating frustrations and treat others badly online--e.g., guys lashing out at women who don't write back or who vanish, and women flaking and ghosting. (Not sure whether that is the medium itself or about if the people who turn to OLD in the first place are more frustrated or jaded than the general single population.) BUT, great people do sign up and find each other and get together from online dating.

 

Then I read in your opening post that you already had success meeting people from social circle and chance encounters, and that the issue before was that you just weren't ready to date. So I guess this is my question for the OP: If you are already having such luck meeting people IRL, why do OLD? (Forgive me if you covered this already, I only skimmed the rest of this thread)

 

To reply to your question: I don't consider meeting men IRL as having luck. In 3 years, I met and got to know 6 men, 2 with whom I had short-term flings, I met one when my car broke down, he stopped and waited with me until road assistance showed up, I met 2 through my kids' extra curricular activities (the divorce rate is rife where I live) and 1 through a well-meaning friend way too soon after my divorce.

 

There are plenty of men where I work; admittedly I don't know which ones are single but stastically, there must be a few.

 

I lead a totally normal life, I have a small social circle but some of my friends are very well connected; I'm not really extroverted but I'm fairly social, so that helps.

 

I only considered OLD after some suggestions from friends when I told them I was ready for a relationship, and I only tried one dating site on the back of advice from posters here, out of curiosity.

[CptInsano]

Being a math teacher works against me on OLD as many women I have chatted with assume I'm Rainman.. I don't fit the mold of the typical, borderline idiot-savant math teacher that they had in school but it's hard to ditch that misconception via OLD. Changing my profile page to one long smart a-- remark after another helped out a bit though.

 

Teachers are associated with their own set of stereotypes, but I grew up among teachers as my dad was one. They do seem to have their idiosyncrasies, but they are rather social, almost by default. My dad could talk his way in and out of anything. A quality not obvious via OLD.

 

I work in a field that is often associated with earning a lot of money. I wasn't quite aware of that and received the weirdest messages after creating my online profile and mentioning my occupation.

 

Lol.. My level of intelligence is relative, depending on who you speak with: my failing students would refer to me as a moron. But, I am smart enough to be well spoken and that works for me.. And, I lost most of my dignity through teaching many years ago so I have no issue chatting with a woman and then asking her out. She can't take away from me what the kids already have.

 

I have learned the same things through other channels, but once you're doing trade shows trying to fish people out of the crowd, trying to involve them in conversations, you are pretty much at the same place. For $10 I will approach pretty much anybody.

[OatsAndHall]

Teachers are associated with their own set of stereotypes, but I grew up among teachers as my dad was one. They do seem to have their idiosyncrasies, but they are rather social, almost by default. My dad could talk his way in and out of anything. A quality not obvious via OLD.

 

I work in a field that is often associated with earning a lot of money. I wasn't quite aware of that and received the weirdest messages after creating my online profile and mentioning my occupation.

 

 

 

I have learned the same things through other channels, but once you're doing trade shows trying to fish people out of the crowd, trying to involve them in conversations, you are pretty much at the same place. For $10 I will approach pretty much anybody.

 

You're spot on, most teachers are pretty social creatures as it's really within the nature of our job. We spend the whole day communicating with kids so it's easy to do the same around adults. Many math teachers are a different breed though. I hate going to mathematics education workshops as it feels like an autism spectrum convention. They are extremely intelligent people but they are socially inept. My sense of humor doesn't go over well in those situations.

 

I was a pretty shy kid that struggled with social situations. So I had to overcome that by learning to read people and then striking up conversation. That skill has served me well, professionally and personally. But, it's a skill that is completely useless in OLD. It's also why texting and messaging bothers me so much. The lack of tone throws off my radar and makes it too easy to read into things. So, I've branched out and started dating women that are older than me (I'm 36) as the millenials I have dated communicate primarily through texts.

[Chilli]

I just do the footwork and find dates out in the real world. I've had three dates this last week with a woman that I met through professional channels last fall. I'm a teacher and I do a lot of coaching so I find ways to meet and interact with women that way. Other teachers, female coaches and referees, etc..etc.. Someone mentioned volunteer work and that's an excellent route to go as well.

 

I trudged through the OLD scene for a long time after my divorce as I thought it would be a convenient way to meet women but it really wasn't. I had quite a few dates from it but it was time consuming and obnoxious. Send out a few dozen messages, get ten replies, chat with five women, and get a couple of dates..

 

I have told this story in other threads but I'll toss it out again here as it perfectly illustrates the OLD world. There is a cute nurse in the area that I messaged via Match and didn't get a response. She happens to be close friends with the mother of one of my students and this mother brought her to a basketball game I was coaching at. They approached me after the game and this nurse didn't recognize me from Match apparently. She started flattering me upside and down.

 

"Everyone around here says you're a good teacher and a lot of fun!"

"I know the kids just love you!"

 

She asked me if I would like to attend a community event with her but I turned her down as I was seeing someone at the time. The whole situation was just a riot... I couldn't get the time of day from her via Match for whatever reason but she was asking me out after talking for twenty minutes.

 

 

Yeah, exactly on that one for me too.

l have no trouble at all whatsoever out in the real world. l get along with women really well and they like me and notice me.

But OL ,it was as if l had to drop the bar 5 notches and squirm at that , and wound up meeting all these girls l just wouldn't have even had anything at all with in RL,

Fkg waste of time that was mostly , bar for the 3, l actually bothered to meet in person.

At least they were lovely girls and a great catch for some guy but again, had it had been RL, we really wouldn't have even bothered at that bc there was just no attraction for me.

We might've have met under some circumstance and got along well with each other but l wouldn't have been chasing them romantically at all.

All this picture thing on those sites is a pretty damn tricky business.

Yet in RL , one glance and vibe from across a room tells you everything you need in one second but that can take weeks or mths n a date site and then they look totally different in RL or the vibe just isn't there.

Just natural things that take 1 second in RL but are last of all and in reverse through a date site.

 

Your lucky in your work, you really wouldn't even need OL l guess being among it every day anyway in a natural way with new people coming and going all the time.

That'd be great, wish. l work on my own though to so that doesn't help..

In my younger day though l was into horses and there was never any shortage of great girls that l had heaps in common with just living life and doing sh@t l loved doing.

 

Those were the days

[OatsAndHall]

Yeah, exactly on that one for me too.

l have no trouble at all whatsoever out in the real world. l get along with women really well and they like me and notice me.

But OL ,it was as if l had to drop the bar 5 notches and squirm at that , and wound up meeting all these girls l just wouldn't have even had anything at all with in RL,

Fkg waste of time that was mostly , bar for the 3, l actually bothered to meet in person.

At least they were lovely girls and a great catch for some guy but again, had it had been RL, we really wouldn't have even bothered at that bc there was just no attraction for me.

We might've have met under some circumstance and got along well with each other but l wouldn't have been chasing them romantically at all.

All this picture thing on those sites is a pretty damn tricky business.

Yet in RL , one glance and vibe from across a room tells you everything you need in one second but that can take weeks or mths n a date site and then they look totally different in RL or the vibe just isn't there.

Just natural things that take 1 second in RL but are last of all and in reverse through a date site.

 

Your lucky in your work, you really wouldn't even need OL l guess being among it every day anyway in a natural way with new people coming and going all the time.

That'd be great, wish. l work on my own though to so that doesn't help..

In my younger day though l was into horses and there was never any shortage of great girls that l had heaps in common with just living life and doing sh@t l loved doing.

 

Those were the days

 

The entire combination of profiles and pictures creates a mess on OLD as it creates some seriously unrealistic expectations at times. I met a woman via OKC once that I matched up with at 90+% and we had both answered a ton of the questions on that site. Her profile was well written and had a sarcastic undertone to it which I liked. Her profile pic was pretty attractive as well. But, I showed up and the pic was certainly outdated as she was quite a bit heavier. I didn't mind that as she wasn't obese and I still found her physically attractive. But, she wasn't sarcastic: she was bitter, negative and abrasive. It wasn't a good time.

 

I luck out as a coach because I meeting women is easy that way. There's a cute track coach from a few towns over that's single and I might approach her and ask her out if I see her again. I had a date with a female volleyball referee last fall that was fun but she's a country-gal looking for a cowboy and that's just not me. But, the date was fun and we chat here and there.

 

Dating fellow teachers can be hit or miss though. Especially elementary school teachers.. They're generally very nice women but I don't click with them as they're usually "sunshine and lollipops" by nature and my cynicism just comes across as being an a--hole. Teaching obviously comes up on those dates and I have a very dark sense of humor when it comes to my job and it doesn't fly. I was out with a third grade teacher once and made a comment about how it's unfortunate that cages wouldn't be considered optimal learning environments for middle school kids. She thought I was serious.