OLD in your 40s

[blockrockinbeat74]

Hi all

 

Quick background: I've been single for almost 3 years (not counting a couple of short-term flings) after a (very) dysfunctional marriage with a diagnosed NPD, I have now fully recovered and I am in a happy, healthy mental and emotional place.

 

I'm now at a point where everything is finally falling into place nicely in my life: my kids are growing into kind, caring and bright children, I love my job and I have a great support system so I now feel ready to embark on a new relationship (with my kids' blessing!).

 

I have always gotten into relationships the traditional way (social circle, chance meetings, etc...), and I'm not really a 'forcing the issue' kind - I've had a few opportunities in the last 3 years, again all met by chance or through friends - but I didn't feel I was fully healed and thought it unfair of me to start something I couldn't finish. That's just to say that meeting someone 'by accident' is definitely my comfort zone.

 

I'm in my early 40s, I feel fine in my skin (I have the odd bad day like everyone else, but not enough to affect my self-esteem or trigger insecurities), I have no real preferences in terms of physical appearances (I like sexy, confident men of any height, shape or size) or jobs, I'm highly educated but don't require the same level of education in a guy, so long as he is driven and has professional goals, but I guess I am a bit picky when it comes to character traits and emotional stability - I've never cheated, manipulated or lied in any of my RLs and would expect the same in return, and that's the standard minimum.

 

I was advised by a couple of friends to give OLD a whirl, but most of the people who know me well are adamant it's not the right thing for me.

 

Has anyone (specifically men and women over 40) got any pearls of wisdom or is willing to share their experiences, good or bad, to help me judge whether it would be worth it?

 

Thanks in advance

[Lilyana76]

I'm 40, and I've been single for a little over a year now. I've tried online dating more than once. It was not for me.

 

A lot of men (and it may be different for guys) are on there trying to find hookups or flings. Most of them could not be taken seriously. And if they were after a relationship, they wanted to nail me into one before actually meeting. I thought it was all nuts so I stopped.

 

What has had more success for me is joining and doing more things socially to open up my circle. I started a cooking class for beginners or newly single people in my community arts center. I also joined some new groups for new hobbies, like mushroom hunting, and knitting.

 

I also volunteer at a few places, like our homeless shelter, or the banquet (which feeds people a hot meal every night), or even the local animal shelter walking the dogs or cleaning kennels. I've met a lot of wonderful people, and opened up my eyes to a lot of new experiences.

 

OLD can be so tedious, and an absolute mind mess. It played with me all wrong, made me feel horrible about myself. Kudos to those who can put up with it, but I don't have the time or the energy for it. I'd rather meet someone face to face.

 

Good luck in your search!!

[d0nnivain]

I was in my late 30s when I tried it. I didn't like it. IRL I never had many problems meeting people. OLD felt like rejection after rejection to me. I'd message guys but get no response. It took me a while to realize that at least some of them were no longer active paid members & might not have been getting messages. The cite bugged me for about 6 months after I left trying to get me to pay more money saying I had new matches so there were probably men out there trying to message me & wondering why I wasn't getting back to them.

 

 

That said, I was glad I tried it for the experience. There were men my age on there. They had good jobs & were well educated. I didn't get the penis pics or the shirtless garbage but I was on eharmony 10 years ago, not a free site. That was my choice because I was a bit weirded out by the random people who would tell my friend who was on Match that they saw her profile.

 

 

I think the key to having success is finding a site that fits you. They are not all created equal. I understand the niche sites are better than the national ones. The whole concept does work a little better in bigger cities. Chose your geographic settings carefully. How far are you realistically willing to travel? I picked 1 hour / 50 miles but only so NYC would come up in my search. It didn't help. I got more guys from Eastern PA.

 

 

Ironically when I was on eharmony my husband was on Match & we were both outside of each other's search parameters so the systems would never have put us together.

 

 

OLD is simply a tool. Try it. If you hate it, delete your profile.

[SevenCity]

Im on OLD in my 40s. Not a great place to be lol.

 

Here's my advice:

 

1) Develop a thick skin and prepare to lose faith in humanity

 

2) Plan to go on MANY dates until you find someone compatible, and then plan for them to ruin it

 

3) Be prepared to find a lot of married guys - Google your dates

 

4) Meet up as quick as you can. Don't develop a RL online and then meet - it seldom works out

 

5) As a woman, be prepared to get inundated with messages.

 

6) You will get as much out of it as you put in

 

7) Just because a guy says he wants a serious RL, doesn't mean he does or does with you.

 

8) Be clear on what you want but be prepared for guys not to read your profile

 

9) Put up a full body pick and don't try and hide what you look like

 

10) Understand that most people you meet will be dating other people. Don't assume you are exclusive and have a discussion if you want to be

 

OLD is sole crushing, but it can yield more results than just hoping you meet someone.

 

I'm a guy and I've had nothing but disappointments in the 6 months I've been on (no LTR options, crazy, selfish, alcoholics, unemployed, etc). I have had sex with quite a few so not a total loss

 

Though recently I met a girl who completely knocks my socks off. If things go the way I hope they do it will be all worth it in the end. This is the first one I want as a gf in as many women as I've been through. Regardless if it works out, there are some needles in the haystack and I never would have met her if not for OLD.

 

Good luck!

[Gaeta]

I am 50.

 

I got a demanding job, commute is 1 hour back and forth each day, I got a dog, a daughter, family, friends, and a bunch of interests. When I get home after work I am exhausted and don't feel like running in clubs and bars it's never been my thing. I was single for 10 years after my divorce and no one every swept me off of my feet at the grocery store. I believed if I wanted to meet someone I needed to make it happen so I used OLD. I met my boyfriend (1,5 year now) after being online on and off for 3 years.

 

Pretty much all the couples around me, the young and the less young, have met online. I read 75% of singles have an online profile. If you dismiss that tool to meet someone you are not doing yourself a favor.

 

Yes it's full of players and time wasters, you just need to use common sense and patience.

Edited April 12, 2017 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

Im on OLD in my 40s. Not a great place to be lol.

 

Here's my advice:

 

1) Develop a thick skin and prepare to lose faith in humanity

 

2) Plan to go on MANY dates until you find someone compatible, and then plan for them to ruin it

 

3) Be prepared to find a lot of married guys - Google your dates

 

4) Meet up as quick as you can. Don't develop a RL online and then meet - it seldom works out

 

5) As a woman, be prepared to get inundated with messages.

 

6) You will get as much out of it as you put in

 

7) Just because a guy says he wants a serious RL, doesn't mean he does or does with you.

 

8) Be clear on what you want but be prepared for guys not to read your profile

 

9) Put up a full body pick and don't try and hide what you look like

 

10) Understand that most people you meet will be dating other people. Don't assume you are exclusive and have a discussion if you want to be

 

OLD is sole crushing, but it can yield more results than just hoping you meet someone.

 

I'm a guy and I've had nothing but disappointments in the 6 months I've been on (no LTR options, crazy, selfish, alcoholics, unemployed, etc). I have had sex with quite a few so not a total loss

 

Though recently I met a girl who completely knocks my socks off. If things go the way I hope they do it will be all worth it in the end. This is the first one I want as a gf in as many women as I've been through. Regardless if it works out, there are some needles in the haystack and I never would have met her if not for OLD.

 

Good luck!

 

Online can be that exhausting. It did take me over 3 years and 200 meetings to find my BF but it could also be easy like one of my friend who married the 3rd guy she met online, they've been together years and are expecting their 3rd child. Online is like playing dices, you can get the winning number right away OR it could take a long time.

[CptInsano]

Pretty much all the couples around me, the young and the less young, have met online. I read 75% of singles have an online profile. If you dismiss that tool to meet someone you are not doing yourself a favor.

 

I would make a distinction, though. Online does not mean OLD. I met a number of women online, although none through OLD or a dating app. The percentage of relationships initiated through OLD/dating apps hovers around 15 - 20% to my knowledge, and is holding pretty steady.

[blockrockinbeat74]

Thanks all for the candid, honest replies - they are all appreciated .

 

I was already quite firmly on the fence anyway, but reading all your posts makes me lean towards the 'probably not for me' camp.

 

I'm not sure I'd have that sort of time, or the patience to meet new people on a regular basis. I don't know that it makes a difference, but I am introverted (I'm social, though) and this whole process looks a bit too exhausting.

 

I hear what you're saying about most singles being on OLD, Gaeta, and it does make sense; I don't really want to commute though (because I like where I live and I don't want to move, and to me accepting to meet a guy who lives too far means I'd be ok moving away, which I'm not) and I guess those who are single on OLD are also single IRL? Perhaps it's too naive of me, I don't know.

 

SevenCity - I've already been warned about most of the (very valid) points you make. The main points I'll struggle with would be the multi-dating thing and going on many dates. In all honesty, I don't think I can reconcile that with my own moral code - sounds like it was worth it for you, though .

[blockrockinbeat74]

So this brings me to another topic-related question:

Is multi-dating the accepted practice on OLD? If so, that's me completely out.

[central]

If you have a wide social circle that provides opportunities to meet single guys (and not always the same ones), AND you don't have unusual traits or interests you want them to have, then OLD may not be a good choice.

 

 

If you have no luck with your social circle or in your usual activities, have exhausted the local prospects, or have an unusual preference, then OLD is definitely worth trying.

 

 

I had no luck with the social scene, because I wanted some specific characteristics that are not common in the general population. OLD provided a good bunch of prospects who did have those characteristics, but most were not close by - I had to date out to 150 miles, but I did find some, one of whom later became my wife.

[Silverstring]

OLD is only soul crushing if your expectations are out of whack. Most people you meet aren't compatible to be in a relationship with you. Same goes for OLD. For whatever reason. And anytime you're meeting strangers, whether it's through OLD, or someone asking for your number in a coffee shop, chances are you won't be compatible.

 

If you think of OLD as just a way of meeting people that you might potentially want to date (AFTER you've met them), then it can be a lot of fun. But you do have to meet a lot of people. I'm a male over in my early 40s and had a great time with OLD. But my expectations were realistic...

 

Oh an also, your penchant for "sexy, confident men" might be a problem. As you already know, narcissists tend to be quite sexy and very confident...

[Miss Spider]

I would make a distinction, though. Online does not mean OLD. I met a number of women online, although none through OLD or a dating app. The percentage of relationships initiated through OLD/dating apps hovers around 15 - 20% to my knowledge, and is holding pretty steady.

 

Really??? I've never see it that high. This poll says 15% have used it at one point, but only 5% of couples say they met that way.

 

5 facts about online dating | Pew Research Center

 

Op, I don't think you need to set many dates or multidate, but depending on your luck and 'pickers' it might have take longer. yea it is kind of the nature of the beast but not everyone does that.

[Chilli]

Online can be that exhausting. It did take me over 3 years and 200 meetings to find my BF but it could also be easy like one of my friend who married the 3rd guy she met online, they've been together years and are expecting their 3rd child. Online is like playing dices, you can get the winning number right away OR it could take a long time.

 

 

Wow , 200 , you serious. Give ya points for persistence that's for sure.

 

l was only on it 6mths or so and l thought l was bad meeting 35 or so girls in that time. Talk about time wasting, 99% of them weren't even remotely close to someone l'd normally go for in the end.

 

There did turn up one though , l would have loved to have gotten to know way way more and l thought it could really go somewhere, but she effg disappeared

[d0nnivain]

Is multi-dating the accepted practice on OLD? If so, that's me completely out.

 

 

In any modern adult relationship you have to assume that the other person is multi-dating. Exclusivity is not the norm initially whether you meet IRL or through technology. Exclusivity is not assumed; both parties have to talk about it.

 

 

You are not required to multi-date but you will get your feelings hurt if you assume that the person you went on a date with is only going on dates with you.

 

 

Also many people get freaked out & scared off if somebody brings up exclusivity too early. You best give it about a month as a general rule of thumb, but definitely talk about it before intimacy.

[CptInsano]

Really??? I've never see it that high. This poll says 15% have used it at one point, but only 5% of couples say they met that way.

 

5 facts about online dating | Pew Research Center

 

I've seen other statistics go as high as 20%. 5% would actually help my point that OLD is just one option of finding somebody out of many. Some people use meetups, others browse social networks for dates. The options are plentiful.

[Miss Spider]

^ yea I suppose it would depend on the sample. I haven't looked into that much, but I had never heard that before so it surprised me. As of yet, one I know personally has met their unicorn online >.< but there are some that I don't know how they met and that might be the case lol

[CptInsano]

^ yea I suppose it would depend on the sample. I haven't looked into that much, but I had never heard that before so it surprised me. As of yet, one I know personally has met their unicorn online >.< but there are some that I don't know how they met and that might be the case lol

 

I'm sure people meet on OLD. In my social circle it seems to be around 10%. I went to a wedding three weeks ago where the dating site was mentioned during the ceremony. (I hope the couple got some ad revenue for that.)

[central]

Online can be that exhausting. It did take me over 3 years and 200 meetings to find my BF but it could also be easy like one of my friend who married the 3rd guy she met online, they've been together years and are expecting their 3rd child. Online is like playing dices, you can get the winning number right away OR it could take a long time.

 

Over the course of a year, I met about 50 women, after screening and communicating with close to 900. I was the first guy my wife wrote to on OLD, and the first she met. She was so taken aback, that we both continued dating others for a while so she could be sure of herself by meeting others for comparison - she hadn't had much prior dating experience, and none since her divorce. Obviously, it worked out! I did the hard work, and she got lucky!

[blockrockinbeat74]

OLD is only soul crushing if your expectations are out of whack. Most people you meet aren't compatible to be in a relationship with you. Same goes for OLD. For whatever reason. And anytime you're meeting strangers, whether it's through OLD, or someone asking for your number in a coffee shop, chances are you won't be compatible.

 

If you think of OLD as just a way of meeting people that you might potentially want to date (AFTER you've met them), then it can be a lot of fun. But you do have to meet a lot of people. I'm a male over in my early 40s and had a great time with OLD. But my expectations were realistic...

 

Oh an also, your penchant for "sexy, confident men" might be a problem. As you already know, narcissists tend to be quite sexy and very confident...

 

Is not being a cheating, lying manipulator an unrealistic expectation?

Also, I'm not averse to 'having fun' but I can find that easily enough IRL - no need to go on OLD for that specicifically.

Are you saying that all sexy, confident men are narcissists? FYI, the one I was married to was the shy, humble, retiring type so I guess stereotyping isn't that helpful.

 

Thanks for your input, though.

[Gaeta]

Concerning the % of success it depends where you're located. Where I am 25% of couples in official relationships met on a dating sites. I live in a city of 4 millions and it's quite a popular way to meet. We are 4 siblings in my family and 2 of us met their SO on a dating site. Majority of my friends who ended up divorced met their next SO on a dating site.

[blockrockinbeat74]

In any modern adult relationship you have to assume that the other person is multi-dating. Exclusivity is not the norm initially whether you meet IRL or through technology. Exclusivity is not assumed; both parties have to talk about it.

 

 

You are not required to multi-date but you will get your feelings hurt if you assume that the person you went on a date with is only going on dates with you.

 

 

Also many people get freaked out & scared off if somebody brings up exclusivity too early. You best give it about a month as a general rule of thumb, but definitely talk about it before intimacy.

 

Yeah,I guess getting to know a few people at a same time makes sense - I'd define that as 'pre-dating' though, with 'actual' dating starting in earnest with the exclusivity.

 

Sounds very time-consuming - I'd rather do other stuff in my free time, in all honesty.

[Gaeta]

I hear what you're saying about most singles being on OLD, Gaeta, and it does make sense; I don't really want to commute though (because I like where I live and I don't want to move, and to me accepting to meet a guy who lives too far means I'd be ok moving away, which I'm not) and I guess those who are single on OLD are also single IRL? Perhaps it's too naive of me, I don't know.

 

I think you misunderstood me concerning the commute. What I mean is my life is busy enough with work and my commute to work that I don't have time to participate to social events to meet someone. I was not talking about dating someone living far, I wouldn't do it either. All the men I met were local.

[Gaeta]

Sounds very time-consuming - I'd rather do other stuff in my free time, in all honesty.

 

It's a matter of priority. I REALLY wanted to meet someone. I had been single 10 years and I was ready to share my life with someone so I invested time and effort to meet someone. If it's not that important to you than by all mean just go about your day and if you meet you meet and if not than it's not a problem for you.

 

Wanting to meet someone through social circle nowadays is hard. It's not like in the 80s anymore. When we've reached a certain age we don't have a huge circle of friends anymore. I got 72 friends on FB compare to my daughter (29) who's got 500. She can meet through her social circle, not me.

[hippychick3]

I was doing OLD for 8 months before I met current bf of almost 4 years. I hadn't dated in 20 years (was married for awhile), and I have to say that I had a LOT of fun meeting and dating new people. I was very particular in my "screening" process so didn't really have any horrible experiences. I probably met about 40 men in that time span and stayed friends with a few of them.

 

I would never have met current bf if I didn't do OLD. He lived 20 miles away and never would we have crossed paths. He is also 10 years younger so was not in my OLD parameters (I was looking for no more than 5 years younger) but luckily I was in his when he contacted me.

 

If you decide to do it, keep these suggestions in mind: you will have to be very discerning (there are a lot of weirdos out there just like IRL), have a thick skin, meet as soon as possible in a public place for coffee/drink, keep expectations low, allow the men who live too far to come to you (almost every one of the guys I dated were willing to drive sometimes up to an hour to meet me and date me), and make sure you're having fun.

[blockrockinbeat74]

It's a matter of priority. I REALLY wanted to meet someone. I had been single 10 years and I was ready to share my life with someone so I invested time and effort to meet someone. If it's not that important to you than by all mean just go about your day and if you meet you meet and if not than it's not a problem for you.

 

Wanting to meet someone through social circle nowadays is hard. It's not like in the 80s anymore. When we've reached a certain age we don't have a huge circle of friends anymore. I got 72 friends on FB compare to my daughter (29) who's got 500. She can meet through her social circle, not me.

 

That makes sense.

It's not a huge priority to me, in fairness. Don't get me wrong, I'm open to it, and I'm ready for the right guy, but maybe I don't want it badly enough.

 

I'm in no way dissing OLD by the way, I fully appreciate that it's working great for some people. Like someone else said, it's one of many ways for meeting new people.