Me [33M] with my GF [26F] 10 1/2 Months, wants a break to figure out if this is a for

[jbp005]

I was going to post this on reddit but then remembered this site and advice I'd gotten from here.

 

I had been feeling something was off in our relationship for a few weeks. I figured it was just a bump that you go through. Apparently that was not the case.

 

We started dating in May. We went to Chicago together after going on like 5 dates. She was going for work then staying later to see the city and her brother dropped out of going. I asked her to be my girlfriend after about a month and a half. She initially accepted, but later said she didn't want this to move to fast and asked to wait. I was fine with that, I was really into her, I still am. I think about a month later she asked to be my girlfriend again and I was ecstatic.

 

Fast forward to December, I get appendicitis on Christmas day, I go to the hospital the day after not realizing what it was. Luckily it didn't burst. She takes care of me the next few days. She is moving into her first house that week after, and we start spending a lot of time together. I initially stayed over a lot because she was scared to be alone in the house. I thought all this time together was good for us.

 

Sometime around all these events happening at the beginning of the year I tell her I love her. She doesn't feel that way yet. I'm fine with that, I know people can come to it at different times. I tell her I won't say it again until she says it to me as I don't want to pressure her into feeling the need to return the sentiment. She says it after her Mardi Gras party for work in early March. I've been staying over quite a bit. I now realize this may have been too much as she doesn't get alone time with her friends, work, and me.

 

The last few weeks I could tell something wasn't right. The way should would say things to me, or mention doing stuff without me. I was emotional most of the weekend. Monday she texts me we need to talk. She says we need a break so she can figure out if this is a forever thing. I start to cry a bit. I ask questions to which I get mostly IDKs. She says about 2 weeks for her to figure it out. That she hasn't had time to think about it alone. I ask her what happens if I decide I don't want to be with her but she decides she wants to be with me in this time which I feel was probably just a jab at her. She tells me while out of town for 4 days or so the prior week she didn't really miss me. I get up and start to get most of my stuff I've left over. She starts to cry, I go and hold her. I ask what am I supposed to do, I don't want to have to comeback if she is going to breakup with me in 2 weeks. Am I supposed to leave, get all my stuff, what? She didn't have answer. I explained I didn't want her to take a break if it meant she was breaking up with me in 2 weeks. That it wasn't going to make it easier on me, and would feel like I was having my heart broken twice. I gather a few more things and get ready to leave. She completely breaks down crying in my arms. I tell her it will be ok, and we hold each other for a min or two. I walk to my car, she watches me leave. I realize I have keys to her house and go give them back to her. She was standing behind the door crying when I gave them to her. I ended up leaving a little bit less than 1/2 my stuff there.

 

I just don't know where this is supposed to go. I've had a few reservations about the relationship, possibly similar one's shes been asking herself. I'm not sure if this is caused by feeling this distance she could have been creating or what. I sit here and wonder how I'm supposed to feel. I do believe I want to be with her.

 

I also think I may have been codependent, and/or a "nice guy" (if you've read no more mr. nice guy). As I don't have many if any close friends to spend time with. I'm worried I use relationships to feel this void, and that may have pushed her away. Because of these recent events I've been considering going to co-dependence anonymous and seeing a psychiatrist. I'm sure I have many other issues to work through then just this.

[jbp005]

I am seeing someone on Friday. I believe I became codependent and have other issues I need to work through. Too many problems to rely on faceless stranger's advice, one which I posted about a couple of years ago.

[Maldives]

I was going to post this on reddit but then remembered this site and advice I'd gotten from here.

 

I had been feeling something was off in our relationship for a few weeks. I figured it was just a bump that you go through. Apparently that was not the case.

 

We started dating in May. We went to Chicago together after going on like 5 dates. She was going for work then staying later to see the city and her brother dropped out of going. I asked her to be my girlfriend after about a month and a half. She initially accepted, but later said she didn't want this to move to fast and asked to wait. I was fine with that, I was really into her, I still am. I think about a month later she asked to be my girlfriend again and I was ecstatic.

 

Fast forward to December, I get appendicitis on Christmas day, I go to the hospital the day after not realizing what it was. Luckily it didn't burst. She takes care of me the next few days. She is moving into her first house that week after, and we start spending a lot of time together. I initially stayed over a lot because she was scared to be alone in the house. I thought all this time together was good for us.

 

Sometime around all these events happening at the beginning of the year I tell her I love her. She doesn't feel that way yet. I'm fine with that, I know people can come to it at different times. I tell her I won't say it again until she says it to me as I don't want to pressure her into feeling the need to return the sentiment. She says it after her Mardi Gras party for work in early March. I've been staying over quite a bit. I now realize this may have been too much as she doesn't get alone time with her friends, work, and me.

 

The last few weeks I could tell something wasn't right. The way should would say things to me, or mention doing stuff without me. I was emotional most of the weekend. Monday she texts me we need to talk. She says we need a break so she can figure out if this is a forever thing. I start to cry a bit. I ask questions to which I get mostly IDKs. She says about 2 weeks for her to figure it out. That she hasn't had time to think about it alone. I ask her what happens if I decide I don't want to be with her but she decides she wants to be with me in this time which I feel was probably just a jab at her. She tells me while out of town for 4 days or so the prior week she didn't really miss me. I get up and start to get most of my stuff I've left over. She starts to cry, I go and hold her. I ask what am I supposed to do, I don't want to have to comeback if she is going to breakup with me in 2 weeks. Am I supposed to leave, get all my stuff, what? She didn't have answer. I explained I didn't want her to take a break if it meant she was breaking up with me in 2 weeks. That it wasn't going to make it easier on me, and would feel like I was having my heart broken twice. I gather a few more things and get ready to leave. She completely breaks down crying in my arms. I tell her it will be ok, and we hold each other for a min or two. I walk to my car, she watches me leave. I realize I have keys to her house and go give them back to her. She was standing behind the door crying when I gave them to her. I ended up leaving a little bit less than 1/2 my stuff there.

 

I just don't know where this is supposed to go. I've had a few reservations about the relationship, possibly similar one's shes been asking herself. I'm not sure if this is caused by feeling this distance she could have been creating or what. I sit here and wonder how I'm supposed to feel. I do believe I want to be with her.

 

I also think I may have been codependent, and/or a "nice guy" (if you've read no more mr. nice guy). As I don't have many if any close friends to spend time with. I'm worried I use relationships to feel this void, and that may have pushed her away. Because of these recent events I've been considering going to co-dependence anonymous and seeing a psychiatrist. I'm sure I have many other issues to work through then just this.

 

 

I can relate about the contact dependant thing. It depends how old u r I guess too the older u get the harder it becomes to build that social network everyone's married etc. I use to be a lil like that too so wen they dump u ur support network just isn't there. Having said all that don't beat ureself up too much over this as on the flip side someone that's really into u especially at the beginning of a relationship wants nothing more than to spend time wth u. Her crying and all that was just probably the act of seeing u hurt and leaving. U kno like watching a sad movie it makes u sad don't be led down the garden path over her crying. She indicated she didn't miss u after 4 days right? That's not a huge concern because it cld be she needs more time to feel the void of u not being there. Having said all that I think wat u need to be careful of and be aware from reading ur post, it sounds like she wasn't really into the relationship to begin wth. Woman that r usually wanna see u all the time it changes maybe after a yr or two minimum where they start hanging wth the gfs etc. I'm sorry if that hurts hearing that I don't mean to im just giving u an honest perspective it's not so much ur codependency that's the issue however that may in future build attraction wth the right partner if u do hav a larger social group. It's not easy tho meeting and building that network it takes time. Keep us posted on ur progress and for now I wouldn't contact her anymore. U may wanna play hardball if she contacts u not too extreme but more so to show ur no door mat.

[jbp005]

Thanks for the reply. I know it might not have been the beginning issue, but I think after spending that much time after my surgery and her wanting someone around those first couple of weeks of her moving in I guess I just figured it was cool. Looking back I realize she said she didn't want a roommate for at least a few months and it's possible some of that was directed at me. Regardless of the outcome, I'll be ok, I've put myself through worse. I can control going NC. She said she needed 2 weeks, I'll contact her that Sunday before and ask to meet. It's apparent we both lacked communication skills. I mean we were still in contact while she was out of town for 4 days, and talked one or two of those nights. She is VERY indecisive, and independent. Also, other then a 4 year relationship in college that ended after graduating and 6 months of living together in a new city I'm her first serious boyfriend. All she had for a few years in between were short bursts of 1-3 months of dating a guy.

[jbp005]

I called about 1 1/2 weeks in and asked to meet. I asked if it was ok to meet at her house, I had quite a few things there and wanted to make sure I got them all. She texts me the next morning and asks to meet at the park. I'm like fine, really could that be a bigger sign things are over.

 

I say my piece, she still doesn't say much other then our relationship became routine. She has most of my stuff in her car. We hug, and I walk away to jog.

 

Now to the issue at hand. We had a vacation planned to Cancun for Memorial Day weekend. We each paid 1/2. I told her it would be inappropriate for her to go. She asked what could be done. I called Expedia and they informed me the ticket could be turned to a voucher for a $200 processing fee, well the ticket was only $150 so that's a wash. They also said it would be more expensive to take someone off the all-inclusive hotel then to just leave it. I tell her I called and nothing can be done.

 

I arrange to get the remaining items of mine back from her. She gives them to I'm guessing a co-worker to bring to my side of town and leaves it on their doorstep. During the correspondence for this she asks if she can have the itinerary number for the trip. I call Expedia again to see what would happen if the entire trip was cancelled, they said we could get $600 of the $1,050 or so we spent. I was told someone could cancel the trip with just the itinerary number or phone number so I change those just in case.

 

So $300 back or go to Cancun then I'm going Cancun. I feel she shouldn't go. She broke up with me, she took her losses then. I don't have $300 to give her nor do I feel I should be paying $300 more for a trip that was costing me $500. She obviously doesn't care how cold she was during this breakup and how it would make me feel having her go, so why should I care how she feels about losing out her money?

 

I just want to go alone, have a good time, and forget about her. I've haven't messaged her since she messaged that she was disappointed we couldn't act like adults and that if she wasn't getting her money back she was going and would get some of her girlfriends to go too. So I don't think she would stay with me, but would be on the plane for a total of about 8-10 hours plus layover time of 4-6 hours. I feel I should just block her and never talk to her again. Also, saw her on Bumble, all old photos except for one from Thanksgiving since we were together then May 16'-April 17' makes me wonder how long she's had it up. I will say maybe she made it during our break, and only added photos when she was thinner as she gained a few pounds while together.

Edited May 10, 2017 by jbp005
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