Enso_101 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 So I've been seeing this girl for about a month now 1-2 times a week. Here's the deal, we have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time around her. She is a really sweet girl, she's cute, athletic, smart, and we share a similar sense of humor. Haven't moved to the bedroom yet but it seems to be headed that way before too long. Now I have a tendency to overthink things, but I have some nagging doubt in my mind like something doesn't feel quite right here. There is a little bit of an age difference (I'm 27, she's 22). She seems to be a fairly anxious and nervous person. I have historically suffered from similar issues myself although it's something I've gotten better about. Also, sometimes I get some weird vibes from her, like maybe she's just going though the motions and maybe isn't that into it. It could also just be me, or the by-product of two socially awkward people dating. I also happen to know that she has somewhat recently gone through recovery from an eating disorder, which is a bit of a red flag. I know such things never really "heal" but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she has learned to deal with her affliction. What worries me is that such problems are inherently tied to low self esteem, which she hasn't displayed outright yet, but I can sort of sense it... To be clear, one of my fears here is that I want to avoid ending up in a "white knight" sort of situation. I have been through a ~3 year relationship with a really needy and clingy woman who turned out to be fairly manipulative and kind of destroyed my life in a lot of ways. That was a huge learning experience and I definitely have no interest in solving other people's problems for them. But, at the same time I really like this girl I've been seeing and I feel like I want to give her a chance because she seems like a really wonderful person all-around and I enjoy her company. Cliffs: - I really like this girl but... - Could a nagging doubt just be early relationship nerves? - Is it really a good idea for two socially anxious people with possible self esteem issues to be dating? - Would you give someone a chance if they had recently undergone recovery for an eating disorder? - Given my seeming tendency to end up with needy women with self esteem issues, what does that say about me? Perhaps I'm not ready to be dating right now? - Wouldn't be asking any of this if I wasn't fairly into this girl. She has a heart of gold and has a lot of traits that I look for in a partner. Share your thoughts.
Larryville Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Now I have a tendency to overthink things, but I have some nagging doubt in my mind like something doesn't feel quite right here. While even though folks like you (me too) overthink and if at this point in your life you have a good read on your gut, go with that. You have doubts for a reason. Now if you have sex and the sex is great and she seemingly makes your life EASIER, stress free, go for it cause you are still young. She has a heart of gold and has a lot of traits that I look for in a partner. "white knight" sort of situation. I have been through a ~3 year relationship with a really needy and clingy woman who turned out to be fairly manipulative and kind of destroyed my life in a lot of ways. You just might be the type to be drawn to these sort of women so you better figure out quickly how to spot and avoid. kind of destroyed my life in a lot of ways. Yes and you just might be on that slippery slop again. Don’t get caught up… Oh one more thing if you are not sure end it sooner rather than later, after the drama starts. Way too many people refuse to follow their gut and frankly end up wasting theirs and the other persons time. Be fair to her too.
Lilyana76 Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Thats a lot of heavy stuff to have to deal with right away in a relationship. Is the eating disorder definitely a thing of the past, or is it something she is still being treated for today? Dating someone with self esteem issues, or eating disorders, is going to be a delicate situation no matter what. You would have to watch everything you say or do around them because the smallest things could trigger them. I think the nagging doubt you are getting is your gut telling you that you both aren't going to fair well in this relationship. You have to remember you can not change someone, and you can not fix them. They have to do that for themselves, so you may want to be the white knight, but you know you can not be. I'm not sure if you should be dating or not right now, thats up to how you feel. But I don't think a relationship with this girl would be a wise choice for you right now. Given both of your anxiety issues, as well as her self esteem and anxiety it could be a time bomb just ticking away. If you do want to try to work it through with her, you are going to have to be some serious support for her. Encourage her to take care of her mental health, without trying to be pushy. Be there for her when she has a bad day. Which with the conditions she has might be more often than not. It's going to have a toll on you eventually, to where you will have to push other things aside to be there for her. It's all in how much you have to give of yourself to someone right now.
Author Enso_101 Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 Thats a lot of heavy stuff to have to deal with right away in a relationship. Is the eating disorder definitely a thing of the past, or is it something she is still being treated for today? Dating someone with self esteem issues, or eating disorders, is going to be a delicate situation no matter what. You would have to watch everything you say or do around them because the smallest things could trigger them. I think the nagging doubt you are getting is your gut telling you that you both aren't going to fair well in this relationship. You have to remember you can not change someone, and you can not fix them. They have to do that for themselves, so you may want to be the white knight, but you know you can not be. I'm not sure if you should be dating or not right now, thats up to how you feel. But I don't think a relationship with this girl would be a wise choice for you right now. Given both of your anxiety issues, as well as her self esteem and anxiety it could be a time bomb just ticking away. If you do want to try to work it through with her, you are going to have to be some serious support for her. Encourage her to take care of her mental health, without trying to be pushy. Be there for her when she has a bad day. Which with the conditions she has might be more often than not. It's going to have a toll on you eventually, to where you will have to push other things aside to be there for her. It's all in how much you have to give of yourself to someone right now. I appreciate the feedback. So we are still definitely in the early stages of dating and I'm kind of feeling things out. She could turn out to be more secure than I suspect. I'm not sure whether the eating disorder is something she still deals with. I mean I'm sure she does on some level, but to what degree is really hard to gauge until I get to know her better. I want this to work out, I really do - but it's possible we're both settling as a result of self-worth issues. These concerns are hard to ignore, and it's something I'm going to keep an eye on and break it off if they turn out to be true. In a lot of ways, I have quite a bit of baggage and have always had trouble with dating. I'm trying to be the best version of myself and find someone who is compatible and not needy. But I will probably always end up with people who have issues to some degree because "normal" people and I will never mesh well. I may have to learn to deal with it. I'm a little f-ed up... I don't know. Long story short: I may have no business dating, but I'm sick of being lonely. 1
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