NTV Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Feeling fully healed... about 3 years. Lol I'm about 3 years out. Proud to be married to my wife? Not there yet. Do you journal? That helped me the most.
NTV Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 Also, the comparison stuff? Irrelevant. She was new and different. ... that is the qualifiers. My wife did a lot of different intensely sexual things with these two dudes I'd wanted for years. They spent hours sexting. If she had spent hours sexting me and doing those things there's no telling where our relationship would have been. My wife's affair partners were older and wealthier. What's that say about me? Nothing. But it says a lot about my wife. Why share all this? Maybe hopefully you see the correlation. About a year and half after dday, I had a revelation. It went something like... 'hold on a second here.... I'm f*cking awesome! I was awesome before I got married. Awesome during the marriage. And if it ends? Yup. That's right. Still f*cking awesome. ' weird how I forgot that for more than a year. Lol Maybe you don't have a sudden epiphany like that. Maybe it's gradual for you. But you will get there.
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 Also, the comparison stuff? Irrelevant. She was new and different. ... that is the qualifiers. My wife did a lot of different intensely sexual things with these two dudes I'd wanted for years. They spent hours sexting. If she had spent hours sexting me and doing those things there's no telling where our relationship would have been. My wife's affair partners were older and wealthier. What's that say about me? Nothing. But it says a lot about my wife. Why share all this? Maybe hopefully you see the correlation. About a year and half after dday, I had a revelation. It went something like... 'hold on a second here.... I'm f*cking awesome! I was awesome before I got married. Awesome during the marriage. And if it ends? Yup. That's right. Still f*cking awesome. ' weird how I forgot that for more than a year. Lol Maybe you don't have a sudden epiphany like that. Maybe it's gradual for you. But you will get there. It's crazy, but the things I've learned about her from SO somewhat resembles our R in the beginning. She paid for everything -dinner, movies, his new clothes. Things I use do with SO in the beginning of our R. The OW was very social and confident, something I use to be but lost after having kids. I even mention the similarities, and SO says he did notice it later on. Still hurts my self-esteem that he chose a 21 year old that is a replica of my younger self. I have been posting up positive reinforcements around my work desk, phone screen saver and on my bathroom mirror that I wrote telling myself that I'm beautiful, independent, strong, and amazing. Some days I believe it and feel like a bad a**, other times I don't and feel worst about myself... Again my insecurities that I need to work on. I might start doing a journal like you suggested. 1
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 That appointment was like two weeks ago. So . Yeah. We went to a marriage retreat thing this weekend called "retrouvaille". Google it. It was great for this, all focused on feelings, and personal work together . H was crying at the end when they took questions and comments . It helped I think with empathy and communication May I ask how long has it been since your DDAY? My SO rarely talks about his feelings and I'm worried if MC can help us. I think it has something do with how he was raised to believe that men shouldn't show emotions because it makes them weak. Stupid, because after the A was exposed, I later discovered he was also seeking acceptance and affectionate gestures but was too embarrass to tell me. So when I give him compliments, why does he shut down and reply with very little to no answers? Heck if he's too embarrass to talk to me face to face, I would be happy with a heart felt hand written letter from him. I looked into that retrouvaille program and from where I live that doesn't start until the end of September. I'm not sure I can wait that long.. but until then praying that MC can help our R and will continue suggesting date nights. Thank you for the suggestion though!
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) Once again, my father has let me down.. I don't know if you read my previous post regarding my father, but I can tell it again. My SO and the OW works for my father. When I discovered my SO A, my father was the first person I told. I wanted to know everything- does the OW works there, did my father see any flirtation going on, if he did how long has it been happening etc.. My father wouldn't even let me get my questions out before he angrily demanded that I stop spreading lies and causing unnecessary drama that could ruin his business image to his so called friends. Basically through my depression, he was not there for me. He didn't pick up the phone to see how I was doing. Or come visit me and the kids when SO and I were separated. Even after my suicide attempt, he didn't rush to see me but he did call and check on me. Only because my sister yelled at him. Has to count for something right? ((Being sarcastic)) However, 2 days after my attempted suicide, the OW tried to the same. She tried to overdose on pills, and was rushed to the ER. I heard my father closed down his business for 2 days to be by her side. After that day, I ended all contact with my father. He didn't seem to care since he never contacted me. However, my grandmother unexpectedly appears in my life.. mind you she's just as toxic as my father. All I hear coming out of her mouth is... "your father loves you, he misses you, this was all a misunderstanding... You need to forgive him and reach out to him" -- no, how are you and the kids doing? Or acknowledging my father is a selfish son of a b*tch. Nothing. Zip. Only that I need to forgive and move on -- my grandma words. That was the last time I saw my grandmother. I had cut her out of my life before the A, and will continue to do so. She is a delusional toxic woman who I have no intentions to allow my kids to have a relationship with. 2 days after her surprise visit, I receive a text from my father asking how am I and that he will come see me on the weekend. I had a panic attack soon after that. So... are you wondering if he did come see? Nope. Nothing. My guts knew he would pull a stunt like this. That he just sent that text to make himself look good in front of my grandmother. That he's telling her, "Oh, I tried to reach out and mend our R, but again she's not responding." I knew this. I knew he would be MIA, but once again I allowed my heart to take over. I felt like that little girl again.. waiting in the living room for hours to see if daddy will show up this time. Sorry, I needed to vent and let this all out... Edited April 4, 2017 by Ms.Leo 1
BMI03 Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 Once again, my father has let me down.. I don't know if you read my previous post regarding my father, but I can tell it again. My SO and the OW works for my father. When I discovered my SO A, my father was the first person I told. I wanted to know everything- does the OW works there, did my father see any flirtation going on, if he did how long has it been happening etc.. My father wouldn't even let me get my questions out before he angrily demanded that I stop spreading lies and causing unnecessary drama that could ruin his business image to his so called friends. Basically through my depression, he was not there for me. He didn't pick up the phone to see how I was doing. Or come visit me and the kids when SO and I were separated. Even after my suicide attempt, he didn't rush to see me but he did call and check on me. Only because my sister yelled at him. Has to count for something right? ((Being sarcastic)) However, 2 days after my attempted suicide, the OW tried to the same. She tried to overdose on pills, and was rushed to the ER. I heard my father closed down his business for 2 days to be by her side. After that day, I ended all contact with my father. He didn't seem to care since he never contacted me. However, my grandmother unexpectedly appears in my life.. mind you she's just as toxic as my father. All I hear coming out of her mouth is... "your father loves you, he misses you, this was all a misunderstanding... You need to forgive him and reach out to him" -- no, how are you and the kids doing? Or acknowledging my father is a selfish son of a b*tch. Nothing. Zip. Only that I need to forgive and move on -- my grandma words. That was the last time I saw my grandmother. I had cut her out of my life before the A, and will continue to do so. She is a delusional toxic woman who I have no intentions to allow my kids to have a relationship with. 2 days after her surprise visit, I receive a text from my father asking how am I and that he will come see me on the weekend. I had a panic attack soon after that. So... are you wondering if he did come see? Nope. Nothing. My guts knew he would pull a stunt like this. That he just sent that text to make himself look good in front of my grandmother. That he's telling her, "Oh, I tried to reach out and mend our R, but again she's not responding." I knew this. I knew he would be MIA, but once again I allowed my heart to take over. I felt like that little girl again.. waiting in the living room for hours to see if daddy will show up this time. Sorry, I needed to vent and let this all out... I don't mean to downplay the overall state of things, because it sounds like some serious relationship issues, but did you send anything aknowledging you received his text? Not that you needed to, and perhaps just me, but in such a heated and emotional environment as you described, had I sent that text stating I would come by and didn't see an acknowledgment of your having at least saw the note, I would not go visit for fear you were not ready to see me yet, would open wounds prematurely, I would surprise you, or all of the above. You know your dad and how he works, so this may or not make sense for him and his way of operating...just sharing.
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 I don't mean to downplay the overall state of things, because it sounds like some serious relationship issues, but did you send anything aknowledging you received his text? Not that you needed to, and perhaps just me, but in such a heated and emotional environment as you described, had I sent that text stating I would come by and didn't see an acknowledgment of your having at least saw the note, I would not go visit for fear you were not ready to see me yet, would open wounds prematurely, I would surprise you, or all of the above. You know your dad and how he works, so this may or not make sense for him and his way of operating...just sharing. No, I didn't reply to his text. I did the same for my grandmother, but she still had the courage to show up at my front door when I ignored her calls and text. I'm angry with my father, but I think deep down I wouldn't turn away from him if he saw me face to face.
Jersey born raised Posted April 5, 2017 Posted April 5, 2017 I choose to like your opening post because you made a decsion and stuck to it. You decided to push toxic people out of your life ! Good on you. I never met my paternal grandfather. Actually I thought he, and my Sibs thought he had died when dad was a child. Truth, he didn't pass until I was in my early teens. My dad had pushed him put of his life decades earlier. 2nd truth my dad and his children where a lot better off for it. Lord, a phone call to you, but close his business for her? Who the hell is his daughter. Keep him out! 1
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 I choose to like your opening post because you made a decsion and stuck to it. You decided to push toxic people out of your life ! Good on you. I never met my paternal grandfather. Actually I thought he, and my Sibs thought he had died when dad was a child. Truth, he didn't pass until I was in my early teens. My dad had pushed him put of his life decades earlier. 2nd truth my dad and his children where a lot better off for it. Lord, a phone call to you, but close his business for her? Who the hell is his daughter. Keep him out! Even though I kicked my father out of my life, my thoughts are constantly about him and the OW. I can't get rid of this obsessive hatred I have for them.
Jersey born raised Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 Yes, but your bio-father was part of the problem and had to go so you could focus on the main issues and heal. Your husband preys on emotional vulnerable people. Once is perhaps an accident, but twice - no. Both woman in his life attempted to kill themselves. Your dad and grandmother are the same. The fact he took the action to ignore you SA and demand you rug sweep to protect his company's reputation vs closing it for two days when OW tried to do the same leaves room for an other possibility. So cutting your dad and your grandmother out of your and your children lives is two thirds of the problem. A lot of my dad's life was driven by his choice not to be his dad. Not to neglect his children, to never hurt his wife as his dad hurt his mother. Not a bad starting point. Four children, one with a BA, one with a BS and a masters degree, one with a BS and two masters and one with a Phd doing research on traumatic brain injuries. None of his children arrested and none ever committed adultery. So be strong, stay with IC to help you finds the "ways". Choose to involve yourself and your children with groups that are good for you. Always reevaluate continuing with these groups as you grow.
Jersey born raised Posted April 6, 2017 Posted April 6, 2017 The hatred you have will diminish into a hard cold wall of indifference given time and separation. My dad took great joy in his family, his mother and friends. His dad a vague distasteful memory.
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 10, 2017 Author Posted April 10, 2017 Your husband preys on emotional vulnerable people. Once is perhaps an accident, but twice - no. Both woman in his life attempted to kill themselves. So be strong, stay with IC to help you finds the "ways". Choose to involve yourself and your children with groups that are good for you. Always reevaluate continuing with these groups as you grow. I don't really think the OW did it because she was depressed about losing him. I think it was really because she was worried about her image and how she couldn't face her family? I'm always obsessing over this, if SO stayed with me because I was his back up choice. SO isn't in IC and says he know what he need to focus on, which he says is our financial situation, family and hobbies. Should I be concern that he doesn't want to do IC or MC? He says he will go to help me only --- whatever that means.
Texashunter Posted April 10, 2017 Posted April 10, 2017 My friend is in the same boat..only difference is my wife's affair ended because he found Jesus of all things..which is total bs but that's what his wife says..I feel for you with all my heart..or what's left of it..I don't understand why people like us are always the ones who get hurt the most. Best of luck to you..I know your pain. 1
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 12, 2017 Author Posted April 12, 2017 SO and I got into a heated argument last night about his affair (it ended 6 months ago). I was going through our family vacation photos that were taken last July, and I saw that the OW posted a comment in a photo that was taken at Disneyland. He never told me that she was friends with him on facebook and that she seen all of our intimate family vacation photos. He always made it seem that they kept their personal lives and social media separate. I was angry and hurt that he lied and we got into a heated argument about it. He kept saying "The affair is over! Why do you always have to bring it up?? What do you want from me!?" I want remorse, support, love and patience from him. I want to know that this will not happen again in the future and that he knows why he strayed and what his boundaries are. He says it won't happen again and that he just wants a simple life and at that time he saw a open opportunity for sex and he took it. --- He threw away 15 years of memories for just sex?! I'm confused because he told me on DDAY that it was never about sex with her and that they could just lay in bed and talked about everything. Was this all bs lies he told me to manipulate me into taking him back? He's a selfish a**hole and now I'm questioning since DDAY, was he ever sincere? Thoughts please.
BluesPower Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 SO and I got into a heated argument last night about his affair (it ended 6 months ago). I was going through our family vacation photos that were taken last July, and I saw that the OW posted a comment in a photo that was taken at Disneyland. He never told me that she was friends with him on facebook and that she seen all of our intimate family vacation photos. He always made it seem that they kept their personal lives and social media separate. I was angry and hurt that he lied and we got into a heated argument about it. He kept saying "The affair is over! Why do you always have to bring it up?? What do you want from me!?" I want remorse, support, love and patience from him. I want to know that this will not happen again in the future and that he knows why he strayed and what his boundaries are. He says it won't happen again and that he just wants a simple life and at that time he saw a open opportunity for sex and he took it. --- He threw away 15 years of memories for just sex?! I'm confused because he told me on DDAY that it was never about sex with her and that they could just lay in bed and talked about everything. Was this all bs lies he told me to manipulate me into taking him back? He's a selfish a**hole and now I'm questioning since DDAY, was he ever sincere? Thoughts please. Wow, I had no idea... I read most of your other post. You should have led with some of this stuff. Lets start here: He kept saying "The affair is over! Why do you always have to bring it up?? What do you want from me!?"[/Quote] Six months out of the affair, this statement is grounds for divorce in my opinion. How dare he say this. Is this his attitude all the time? If it is, he is delusional. Have you guys read any books on this? There are a bunch of resources here and LS. He needs to be working to make you feel comfortable about him. He needs to be helping you heal. He needs to get his S*** together or you need to divorce him now. This statement shows that he is completely unremorseful about all of it. Are you sure that the affair is not still going on? Next, lets look at this: I'm confused because he told me on DDAY that it was never about sex with her and that they could just lay in bed and talked about everything. This is all 100% BS in every way. He is lying to you, period. Sure they could lay in bed and talk after they banged each others brains out. Everyone can. You do that until you get ready for round two. Have you been buying all of this crap from the start? Although, I do have a problem with this statement from you: He threw away 15 years of memories for just sex?! Hell yes a man will throw away 15 years to get laid by some strange. Seriously, are you even asking this question? Was your sex life dead? If you want to keep him home, you need to be his sex goddess. Men want to be desired by their wives, just like their wives do. I am sure that you understand this. If there is an issue of any kind with sex in the marriage, fix it or get divorced.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 Thoughts please. Well, my first thought is you're in the wrong forum. You might ask Mods to move it, would make more sense in the Infidelity forum. Have you ever heard the term "pain shopping"? Given all the challenges involved in reconciliation, I think focusing on who posted what on social media a year ago is unproductive and simply looking for a place to park your hurt feelings. If your WH isn't giving you the "remorse, support, love and patience" you deserve and need, deal with that directly through his behavior in real time. Plenty on your plate now, that's where my energies would be spent. Are you in MC? Mr. Lucky
BaileyB Posted April 12, 2017 Posted April 12, 2017 It is very apparent, in this post and your previous posts, that you are still working through the pain and anger from your husband's affair. It would seem that the trust has been lost and you are not confident that he is being honest with you now. It also seems that you don't feel that your feelings or your concerns are being heard and understood. Only he can tell you if he is being honest and sincere. Only he can show you if he has ended contact with this woman and is committing to you and your marriage. I agree, the best thing you can do to work through your concerns and these very painful feelings is individual and marriage counselling. Best wishes.
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 13, 2017 Author Posted April 13, 2017 Wow, I had no idea... I read most of your other post. You should have led with some of this stuff. Six months out of the affair, this statement is grounds for divorce in my opinion. How dare he say this. Is this his attitude all the time? The first 3 months after dday, he's been supportive and remorseful to my needs. He's answered all my questions and sent me reassuring texts, but in February it all stopped. He says I'm always going around in circles about the A and that he doesn't even think about that. I admit I do find myself asking questions about the A alot, I dwell on the answers and then go back to asking more similar questions. This is usually a repeat cycle. I'm thinking he's now getting fed up and thinks that I'm never going to be satisfied with whatever answers he gives me? We do have problems communicating and he says he will go MC to help us. Are you sure that the affair is not still going on? When the OW attempted to commit suicide in October, there has been NC from what he's told me since that awful day. This is all 100% BS in every way. He is lying to you, period. Sure they could lay in bed and talk after they banged each others brains out. Everyone can. You do that until you get ready for round two. Have you been buying all of this crap from the start? Shamefully, I did--- I guess I still do. In my head, I believed it was an emotional A that lead to a physical one. I guess that makes me a fool. Hell yes a man will throw away 15 years to get laid by some strange. Seriously, are you even asking this question? Was your sex life dead? If you want to keep him home, you need to be his sex goddess. Men want to be desired by their wives, just like their wives do. I am sure that you understand this. If there is an issue of any kind with sex in the marriage, fix it or get divorced. That's the confusing part. Before the A, our sex life was very good and active and we were always experimenting. That was the only time we showed physical affection toward one another. After we finished, it was back to being roommates. Now, we're working on fixing this. We have been more affectionate toward each other then we have been in 13 years.
Author Ms.Leo Posted April 13, 2017 Author Posted April 13, 2017 Have you ever heard the term "pain shopping"? Given all the challenges involved in reconciliation, I think focusing on who posted what on social media a year ago is unproductive and simply looking for a place to park your hurt feelings. If your WH isn't giving you the "remorse, support, love and patience" you deserve and need, deal with that directly through his behavior in real time. Plenty on your plate now, that's where my energies would be spent. Are you in MC? Mr. Lucky SO keeps saying he doesn't know how to do the things that I want from him, that his way of showing support and love is to pick up more work hours to help pay off our debts and to stop going out with his friends, and to stay home more. Do you think I'm overreacting and just being too needy? We were suppose to start out first MC session last Friday, but our therapist had to cancel due to a family emergency. Our next appointment isn't until May due to our work schedules. Until then, I've already expressed what I want and need from him and hope he can deliver.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 We were suppose to start out first MC session last Friday, but our therapist had to cancel due to a family emergency. Our next appointment isn't until May due to our work schedules. While that's a long gap from DDay to MC, your backstory puts things in perspective. Until then, I've already expressed what I want and need from him and hope he can deliver. Then I'd gently suggest you've done your part and can only wait and see if he steps up and does his. If someone doesn't meet your needs, I'm not sure if it's important to distinguish between "can't" and "won't"... Mr. Lucky
BluesPower Posted April 13, 2017 Posted April 13, 2017 The first 3 months after dday, he's been supportive and remorseful to my needs. He's answered all my questions and sent me reassuring texts, but in February it all stopped. He says I'm always going around in circles about the A and that he doesn't even think about that. I admit I do find myself asking questions about the A alot, I dwell on the answers and then go back to asking more similar questions. This is usually a repeat cycle. I'm thinking he's now getting fed up and thinks that I'm never going to be satisfied with whatever answers he gives me? We do have problems communicating and he says he will go MC to help us. What you are doing is what every single BS does. You ask questions, try to process it. Try to make sense of it. Then, usually, in the beginning, it does not make sense. So you ask the same question, or ask it in a different way and the cycle repeats. This is how it works. He needs to understand that. Because of his behavior I think he has not idea how to help you heal from his affair. He is being impatient with you, and he has no right to. When you get into MC there are several things that you have to watch out for. 1) Most MC's want to over look the affair and deal with the issues in the marriage that "caused" the affair. They are completely wrong in their approach. Most and I mean a large majority try to do this. It is completely stupid to do this. 2) The AFFAIR has to be dealt with first and foremost. You head is reeling, you are just starting to process the affair. You are not over it in any way. IT WILL TAKE YEARS. 3) At some point in the future, you have to decide if you can get over this or if you need to divorce him. You think you have made the decision, but really it is too soon. 4) It is his job to help you get over his affair, period. Has he read the "Helping your spouse heal from your affair"? If not he needs to read that today. He needs to read online about helping you heal. He is responsible the this mess, he has to fix it. When the OW attempted to commit suicide in October, there has been NC from what he's told me since that awful day. I am concerned that he may be in contact, not saying that he is. Are you monitoring everything about him, phone, computer, do you know for sure where he is at? If you are not you need to, like yesterday. Shamefully, I did--- I guess I still do. In my head, I believed it was an emotional A that lead to a physical one. I guess that makes me a fool. Yes, he had been trickle trothing you about all of this. It was all about sex, from start to finish for him. He wanted some strange. All the emotional stuff is so he could get laid. He needs to own every thing that he has done the right way. So far, he has not. Everything that he says you have to question, in your mind. You keep questioning it until you are sure that you know everything you need to know. If he gets tired of answering questions over and over, tough S***. That is his problem. You need the truth and you need to know that you have the truth about everything. That's the confusing part. Before the A, our sex life was very good and active and we were always experimenting. That was the only time we showed physical affection toward one another. After we finished, it was back to being roommates. Now, we're working on fixing this. We have been more affectionate toward each other then we have been in 13 years. The affection part is an issue. I have a high need for physical touch. Most of my GF's are that way as well, if they are not, they don't get to hang around much. Even for men this can be really important. It is not just about sex. Sex is very important in a relationship but so is affection. You guys need to continue to work on this. Get him to read some of the stuff about helping your spouse heal. He really need to understand this stuff. Stay strong...
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